help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1
help?
My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic and in the middle of his second relapse since July. I started writing a thorough history of his drinking, but it was turning into a novel. So short story, we're both twenty-four. I'm in my sixth year of college, he dropped out in 2013. We're both servers. He worked at a bar for a year. He started working at the same restaurant as me a few weeks ago, we work together two days a week, but have opposite shifts Friday-Sunday (he opens I close). We've also been living together for three years.
His drinking problem started about a year ago, escalated quickly over the winter and he had his first experience with detox/treatment in April, when he did outpatient detox and a couple of months of bi-weekly therapy. At the end of July he quit his job and did a week long rehab program where he was prescribed naltrexone and given a vivitrol injection. Both times it was determined that an anxiety disorder played a role in his alcoholism and he was also prescribed paxil. Throughout everything he was honest with me and for the most part, his parents. However after each treatment he only stayed sober for about a week.
The vivitrol wore off around the middle of September and I assumed he switched to taking the naltrexone. About a month ago I found a half empty bottle of vodka and several receipts. I realized he had been spiking his gatorade and drinking a lot more than just a few beers a night. I said I would move out in February when our lease ends if he doesn't get serious about recovery.
Since then there have been issues with him driving after drinking and hanging out at the bar he used to work at with his friend Rick and then lying about it. Two weeks ago he wet the bed after drinking all night while I was at work and last Friday he peed in the kitchen sink after doing the same. Wednesday he went out to get take-out and didn't come home until I called him almost three hours later. He tried to blame it on a long wait for his food and trouble finding parking, but then admitted he was visiting Rick at work. This guy is a terrible influence and I don't like my boyfriend to be around him, especially at a bar. I ended up leaving and spending the night at a hotel, hoping it would be a wake-up call.
He was off today and started drinking around 2 after buying a six pack of 16 ounce beers. I knew that wouldn't last the ten hours he would be up so I told him to go buy more, since I didn't want to worry about him getting a DUI. I told him a dozen times not to leave the house after I went to work, but when I got home his car was in a different spot. He said he bought one more beer after i left "just in case" but he never drank it. Then he said he was taking a shower and I heard him vomiting in the bathroom. After he got out I told him he has a week or I'm out and I'm going to start packing in the morning.
I feel like there's a very real possibility that nothing is going to change in the next week. It kills me because I love him so much but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly worried about what he's doing when I'm not around. He's never been abusive, he rarely even gets mad when he's drunk. I have no reason to believe he's ever cheated. Right now he's at a point where he's sober more than he's drunk. But the trust is completely gone. He dropped a bad adderall addiction a couple years ago so I know he can kick an addiction, but I don't know if alcoholism is just a completely different issue. I can't decide if I should just give up.
I'm also stressing out about what he did tonight because I have no idea. He tried to blame the vomiting on food he ate earlier but I didn't buy it. So basically, I'm pretty sure he was really drunk when I got home but there's stuff that doesn't add up. A bottle of gatorade went missing from the fridge, that he says he left in his car. Which makes no sense if he only left the house to buy beer. And beer has always been his drink of choice, so i don't know why he would drink vodka gatorade when I'm not home.
I also checked his transaction history for his bank account and he pulled out 70 dollars and 40 dollars in two different transactions from non bank of america atms, which he never does. His wallet only has 20ish dollars, all in ones, which makes sense because he's a server and I also paid him back for some groceries the other day in ones, but does't make sense if he withdrew over 100 dollars today. It isn't like him to go out and spend that much money, he usually prefers to drink at home. And there's a boa atm near all the bars and its really out of character for him to pay atm fees. It also seems like it wasn't just two transactions, but two different atms. I don't think he bought drugs because if it was weed he would have told me (I'm a bigger smoker than he is) and he's been in bed for over three hours so I don't think he bought cocaine (which he hasn't done since December). It also doesn't make sense that he went to the liquor store because he buys cheap vodka and I don't think he would risk me finding and throwing away 100 dollars worth of it.
I called him from work around 8:45 and he said he was playing a video game, which makes sense from the background noise I heard. Then I called a little after 11 when I was headed home. I'm pretty sure he ignored it, but I assumed he was trying to sleep because he works early tomorrow. He called me back 15 minutes later and when I said I was about to pull in he hung up right away. When I got home he was at his computer. It's not like him to not answer his phone, and especially to not call back right away. Then he went outside and said he thought he left his phone in his car. So I'm thinking he got home right before I did but i can't figure out where he went.
Am I being paranoid? Any ideas of what could explain all this? And should I ask him about it?
His drinking problem started about a year ago, escalated quickly over the winter and he had his first experience with detox/treatment in April, when he did outpatient detox and a couple of months of bi-weekly therapy. At the end of July he quit his job and did a week long rehab program where he was prescribed naltrexone and given a vivitrol injection. Both times it was determined that an anxiety disorder played a role in his alcoholism and he was also prescribed paxil. Throughout everything he was honest with me and for the most part, his parents. However after each treatment he only stayed sober for about a week.
The vivitrol wore off around the middle of September and I assumed he switched to taking the naltrexone. About a month ago I found a half empty bottle of vodka and several receipts. I realized he had been spiking his gatorade and drinking a lot more than just a few beers a night. I said I would move out in February when our lease ends if he doesn't get serious about recovery.
Since then there have been issues with him driving after drinking and hanging out at the bar he used to work at with his friend Rick and then lying about it. Two weeks ago he wet the bed after drinking all night while I was at work and last Friday he peed in the kitchen sink after doing the same. Wednesday he went out to get take-out and didn't come home until I called him almost three hours later. He tried to blame it on a long wait for his food and trouble finding parking, but then admitted he was visiting Rick at work. This guy is a terrible influence and I don't like my boyfriend to be around him, especially at a bar. I ended up leaving and spending the night at a hotel, hoping it would be a wake-up call.
He was off today and started drinking around 2 after buying a six pack of 16 ounce beers. I knew that wouldn't last the ten hours he would be up so I told him to go buy more, since I didn't want to worry about him getting a DUI. I told him a dozen times not to leave the house after I went to work, but when I got home his car was in a different spot. He said he bought one more beer after i left "just in case" but he never drank it. Then he said he was taking a shower and I heard him vomiting in the bathroom. After he got out I told him he has a week or I'm out and I'm going to start packing in the morning.
I feel like there's a very real possibility that nothing is going to change in the next week. It kills me because I love him so much but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly worried about what he's doing when I'm not around. He's never been abusive, he rarely even gets mad when he's drunk. I have no reason to believe he's ever cheated. Right now he's at a point where he's sober more than he's drunk. But the trust is completely gone. He dropped a bad adderall addiction a couple years ago so I know he can kick an addiction, but I don't know if alcoholism is just a completely different issue. I can't decide if I should just give up.
I'm also stressing out about what he did tonight because I have no idea. He tried to blame the vomiting on food he ate earlier but I didn't buy it. So basically, I'm pretty sure he was really drunk when I got home but there's stuff that doesn't add up. A bottle of gatorade went missing from the fridge, that he says he left in his car. Which makes no sense if he only left the house to buy beer. And beer has always been his drink of choice, so i don't know why he would drink vodka gatorade when I'm not home.
I also checked his transaction history for his bank account and he pulled out 70 dollars and 40 dollars in two different transactions from non bank of america atms, which he never does. His wallet only has 20ish dollars, all in ones, which makes sense because he's a server and I also paid him back for some groceries the other day in ones, but does't make sense if he withdrew over 100 dollars today. It isn't like him to go out and spend that much money, he usually prefers to drink at home. And there's a boa atm near all the bars and its really out of character for him to pay atm fees. It also seems like it wasn't just two transactions, but two different atms. I don't think he bought drugs because if it was weed he would have told me (I'm a bigger smoker than he is) and he's been in bed for over three hours so I don't think he bought cocaine (which he hasn't done since December). It also doesn't make sense that he went to the liquor store because he buys cheap vodka and I don't think he would risk me finding and throwing away 100 dollars worth of it.
I called him from work around 8:45 and he said he was playing a video game, which makes sense from the background noise I heard. Then I called a little after 11 when I was headed home. I'm pretty sure he ignored it, but I assumed he was trying to sleep because he works early tomorrow. He called me back 15 minutes later and when I said I was about to pull in he hung up right away. When I got home he was at his computer. It's not like him to not answer his phone, and especially to not call back right away. Then he went outside and said he thought he left his phone in his car. So I'm thinking he got home right before I did but i can't figure out where he went.
Am I being paranoid? Any ideas of what could explain all this? And should I ask him about it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
It sounds like you are in a stage that is all-too-familiar to me: obsession. I used to obsess over my AH's addiction day in and day out. How could I get to the bottom of this? How could I fix him? What is he lying about? How can I prove he is lying? Should I give and ultimatum? I found myself trying to manipulate and control every aspect of his addiction, and I was driving myself crazy.
Can you get to an al-anon meeting? Al-anon helped me accept that I cannot continue these obsessions, and that I was driving myself into a craze and stressing myself over something I truly have no control over. You are playing an insane game of tug-of-war. If you let go of the rope, sure, he could fall. But that fall might be what he needs to get help. However, if you continue to play this game, there is a chance he could pull so hard that you fall right along with him. Try to let go of the rope.
Can you get to an al-anon meeting? Al-anon helped me accept that I cannot continue these obsessions, and that I was driving myself into a craze and stressing myself over something I truly have no control over. You are playing an insane game of tug-of-war. If you let go of the rope, sure, he could fall. But that fall might be what he needs to get help. However, if you continue to play this game, there is a chance he could pull so hard that you fall right along with him. Try to let go of the rope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
Don't sign a new lease if there is any doubt and lock yourself in.
Sounds like your instinct is right to me, but only you can decide what is best.
It also seems like you are investing quite a lot of your life energy in what he's doing.
That's not helpful to either of you.
Take care of you, and like Dj said, try and drop the rope.
Sounds like your instinct is right to me, but only you can decide what is best.
It also seems like you are investing quite a lot of your life energy in what he's doing.
That's not helpful to either of you.
Take care of you, and like Dj said, try and drop the rope.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
brooke...it sounds like he is spiriling downward in the alcoholism. If you keep reading, you will find thousands of stories that duplicate this, on the forum.
The maneuvers and the lying sound very typical.
I hope you will read the stickies at the top of the main page (above the threads), especially, the ones in "classic Readings"
dandylion
.
The maneuvers and the lying sound very typical.
I hope you will read the stickies at the top of the main page (above the threads), especially, the ones in "classic Readings"
dandylion
.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm a former prosecutor and I've read homicide investigation reports less detailed than your post.
Quit playing detective. Finding out exactly what he is drinking, when, how, and with whom, won't do either one of you any good. You are making yourself crazy.
All you need to know, really, is that he is still drinking and does not appear to be inclined to quit at this point in time. He's been addicted to pills and booze and street drugs. I suspect he simply replaces one with the other.
Yes, get to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself and start thinking about the rest of your life. Right now, what you see is what you have to look forward to (only worse, because addiction always gets worse).
Quit playing detective. Finding out exactly what he is drinking, when, how, and with whom, won't do either one of you any good. You are making yourself crazy.
All you need to know, really, is that he is still drinking and does not appear to be inclined to quit at this point in time. He's been addicted to pills and booze and street drugs. I suspect he simply replaces one with the other.
Yes, get to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself and start thinking about the rest of your life. Right now, what you see is what you have to look forward to (only worse, because addiction always gets worse).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR, Brooke!
You sound like you've reached your limit with the cycle of his addiction.
I found this article helpful. It helped me really grasp how far done in the priority list I was in my marriage to an A. It also helped me see how messed up his thinking was.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You sound like you've reached your limit with the cycle of his addiction.
I found this article helpful. It helped me really grasp how far done in the priority list I was in my marriage to an A. It also helped me see how messed up his thinking was.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm a former prosecutor and I've read homicide investigation reports less detailed than your post.
Quit playing detective. Finding out exactly what he is drinking, when, how, and with whom, won't do either one of you any good. You are making yourself crazy.
All you need to know, really, is that he is still drinking and does not appear
Quit playing detective. Finding out exactly what he is drinking, when, how, and with whom, won't do either one of you any good. You are making yourself crazy.
All you need to know, really, is that he is still drinking and does not appear
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Not sure which drove me more crazy…….
My obsession to snoop, spy, check -recheck, looking for, finding “proof” and discovering things………
OR
My inability to stop doing those unproductive things or actually do anything positive for MYSELF with what I had discovered.
It took time for me to allow my heart to listen to what my instincts and brain were shouting.
My obsession to snoop, spy, check -recheck, looking for, finding “proof” and discovering things………
OR
My inability to stop doing those unproductive things or actually do anything positive for MYSELF with what I had discovered.
It took time for me to allow my heart to listen to what my instincts and brain were shouting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Sounds all too familiar....snooping and trying piece things together. I did this for years until I lost myself, I spent to much time focusing on him and lost sight of myself. My case was different, I have to 2 kids with my A, and you’re still young and have a whole life ahead of you. I know what it feels like to be in love and wan to help the person you love but you must learn to "detach with love" and you won't do that until you're ready....took me years. In the meantime, don't let it take away from you and furthering yourself in life. I lost a lot of years but I do have 2 beautiful children that came from my relationship. It wasn't always bad but for some reason it seems like the bad ends up outweighing the good. I’ve learned to stop spying, it he’s drinking it will come to light, it will drive you crazy and it’s not healthy for you.
Take care of yourself, continue to educate yourself and stay strong."
Take care of yourself, continue to educate yourself and stay strong."
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