DjSmithsfsd

Here I am, a couple of weeks into attending al-anon meetings, and I feel like a different person. I've told my jobless, AH that he will no longer have access to my bank account at the end of this month. We had a breakthrough a couple of days ago when he said he wanted to see a therapist. He has an appointment for tomorrow.
Tonight, I went to another meeting. He got mad, saying he didn't understand why I didn't want to hang out with him. He hadn't drank for a couple hours, but he was so stressed out about me going to a meeting, that I "made him want a drink."
When I got back from my meeting, he picked a fight. I tried really hard to remain calm, but I did get frustrated. He is trying so hard to manipulate me and make me feel guilty about taking care of myself. He says I don't care and I'm pushing him away, creating this distance that just stresses him out and drives him to drink more. (In fact, I think he is drinking less... Or maybe I'm just not keeping track as much.) He says he is only going to a therapist because he thinks it is what he needs to do to keep me from leaving him. I have created this codependent monster. It's so hard not to play the game right along with him.
I'm soooooo frustrated!
I hope he goes to his appointment tomorrow.

dandylion

DjSmithfsd....I think you are pretty clear on what is happening.
Often times, a person will double the efforts to manipulate to keep the status quo going.....if they sense that you are becoming more independent......they know where your hot buttons are, and what has worked in the past. (it does make sense from their point of view),

Amazingly....he is telling you, straight out, his motivation for going to a therapist, tomorrow. !!
I suggest that you not question or bug him about the appointment, tomorrow....
Just leave that on his side of the street. Back up 200 feet.....lol.
Also, it would be a good idea to keep your plans close to your vest, for now....because it will probably just make him more frantic about sucking you back into the same old thing.

You can be sure that there is a mighty battle going o n in his head, right now---between himself and the alcoholic voice that whispers distortions and lies to him, 24/7. The alcohol is still winning and is in control of him.....and, he is flailing with this life and death battle ......it DOES feel like life and death to the alcoholic..
I suggest that you google "The Addict's dilemma" and "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships" by Floyd P. Garrett..... These articles give a good perspective and may take away th e tendency to personalize what is going on.

Something that I have observed so often......Many men wouldn't be caught dead walking into a therapist's office......but, that is what they will offer the wife as a sacrifice....rather that do the thing that feels even worse for them....which is AA and the word "alcoholic"......That is how m uch they fear the prospect of being labled and never having another drink, again.

I hear how frustrating it is for you.....but, living with the drinking can be frustrating, also......

As it is said---do the next right thing (for you)....and, he will have to do the same for himself.....

dandylion

Lilro

Yes^^^^^^Dandy is spot on!

DjSmithsfsd

Thank you, Dandy. I don't know what I would do without the support I get on here and al-anon. It is crucial in keeping me grounded. Thank you so much.

Hangnbyathread

It's a process. You will fail sometimes at the start. My biggest challenge was to avoid the never ending baiting sessions. They try to find that button to push. The more you refrain from engaging, the more they push. If you had no way to get away from them, you eventually react......which is what they wanted in the first place.

Then I'd get mad at myself after getting mad at them. They win twice this way.

Try and stay positive. Fine productive things to do. Try and have an exit activity you can quickly do when the heat is on. I had the cleanest car in the state. And the most organized garage in the county.

honeypig

DJ, I think you are doing so well for yourself! You've got a good solid start, feet on the ground, heart and mind in the right place. I love hearing when someone comes here looking for help and dives right in, learning how to help themselves and move ahead.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I wish you continued strength and clarity as you follow your path.

DjSmithsfsd

He just left for his appointment. Small win. Hangn, you hit the nail on the head; I was mad at myself for engaging last night. I had nowhere to go, and he wouldn't give up. But each day is a new one, and I'm not going to stop walking this path I've begun. I don't know what the future holds, or where this path will take me. But I know it's the right one. Things will end up as they are meant to.
Dandy, I just read those articles. They helped explain exactly what I know is happening. Thank you.

dandylion

Dj......I'm glad that you read them. They helped me so much. I printed them out...and, still revisit them sometimes.....because it helps me to not take the behaviors so personally---I can remember that the alcoholic is not wanting to hurt me (although it does)....it is about protecting themselves as their first priority.

dandylion

Dimndaruf

It's hard not to "play the game". I would literally have a talk with myself, telling myself to remain calm no matter what. I would say don't let him push your buttons (and they know which ones to push) and get sucked in...it's frustrating and draining to say the least. It took me years to master of

Any real therapist will emphasize the importance of AA and encourage him to go. The alcoholic's thinking is definitely distorted and its a waste of time engaging in a REAL conversation with them, they tend to see things the way THEY see them and that's all that makes sense to them.

He's willing to see a therapist to keep you but is he willing to get help for himself? I've been through this 1000 x's with my AH, he did everything FOR ME but not for himself and that's why he consistently failed. The last thing they want to do is lose you, who else will they have to blame their anger and drinking on? Who else will they have to be their emotional punching bag? Gotta start somewhere and I guess therapy is better than nothing!

Hawkeye13

Who else will pay for it as well?
Who will do the shopping, cook, clean, and let them
think they are "normal"?

The enabling is a huge issue for most of us.
Hugs