Pia

Mom started up again and I tried to not engage she said something to trigger a reaction and I just told her as long as she is happy that's all that matters.
She went on and on and on. I could hear her under her breathe I was in my room. I tried so hard to not engage to ignore. I was trying and trying to think of everything I have been learning from everyone and to not take it personal.

For some reason I felt I deserve to be hurt.
So I logged into my AH account and saw all the pictures of the half naked girls. I saw some conversations. Oh how he showed so much care and worry for them.

I'm so stupid I know I did it to myself. I deserve to alway hurt I can't do it all and be everything to everyone. I tried so hard and it is never enough. I am so so tired of this all.

Thomas45

So be everything to yourself and let that be good enough.

Don't be too hard on yourself. So you tried and failed. Everybody fails before they succeed. Before Wayne Gretzky became the Great One, he was a little kid learning how to stand up on a pair of wobbly ice skates. You could tell him a hundred times how to skate properly, but in the end he had to learn on his own through practice.

Inner peace is a learned skill that takes practice. If it weren't, we'd all be master Tibetan monks!

Liveitwell

I think that is a total Codie trait-to try and be everything to everyone-so much so that we forget to take care of ourselves!!

dandylion

Pia.....you don't "deserve" to be hurt....... I will bet that, somewhere, along the way....maybe, when you were growing up.....you received a damaging message that you "believed" and internalized (about yourself). And, now you tell yourself that--at an almost subconscious level. Maybe, you were just never "seen" or really "heard"...or, maybe, you were just sort of ignored or were "invisible" to those you wanted to feel loved by......

You deserve love...and, you deserve to be happy......
ALL of God's creatures do. Aren't you one of God's creatures....?

Sometimes, our own world feel so small....that we think that the views and actions or a few damaged people is all that there is.......
But, it isn't all that there is...... It is a big, big world....filled with a few billion people.....
There is love, and beauty and joy....and people who would be willing to love and appreciate you for just who you are......

dandylion

FireSprite

Pia, nothing you've ever shared shows you to be a malicious person deserving of being hurt & disrespected. Their problems are about them, not you.

You DON'T deserve to be hurt like this and you NEVER have. Don't accept this as part of your definition of Self. It's not true. You're not stupid, you just made a bad decision & hurt yourself reading stuff you would be better off ignoring. It's ok. Today is a brand new chance to start over again.

I know it's going to be difficult financially when your mom leaves but I'm starting to think it is the very best thing that could possibly happen for you. Getting away from that negativity & blaming is Step #1. Stopping behaviors like checking into his accounts is #2 - you KNOW that's taking a step backward in your own healing so stop torturing yourself!

I'm in total agreement with Thomas here, what'll happen if you stop worrying about them & start being everything to YOU instead? What kind of positive things can you start doing for yourself today, right now? Chant a personal mantra, take a power walk, meditate, look yourself in the eye in the mirror & list all the amazing qualities that you bring to the world?

Kboys

((((pia)))))
You deserve everything beautiful in life!
Thinking of you