FireSprite

I know this feeling will pass, especially once I vent it here.

One of the most challenging & confusing aspects of my recovery is having to defend my healthier behavior & habits. It frustrates the hell out of me that my positive improvement is labelled by others around me as my "issue" or "problem".

Of course, this is an attitude from someone not focused on their own side of the street.

In this case, it's circled back to my mom. (You all knew that was coming.) And to a lesser extent, my completely unaware sister. Sis means well, but she is completely ignorant of any kind of Real Recovery so she is trying to be supportive but doesn't really Get It.

We girls got together at sis's house this weekend & I was so disappointed to find them unable to stop focusing on their children or spouses long enough to carry a conversation. Scratch that - they carried convo fine as long as it was ABOUT their kids or spouses. I finally told one girl that her kid WAS THERE so I really didn't her to share another picture or video from her phone.... every time a phone buzzed it was a mad dash by everyone to check & respond. My sister utterly irks me with this because she's so freaking independent when she's single & then turns into this predictable, judgmental snark when she's IN a relationship. Really? You have it all figured out now?

My bestie can't seem to understand that her husband is NOT changing & no amount of wishing on her part is going to make him want to be someone different. Yeah, she agrees, I guess I wish he'd just give me that one big event so I'd have a good excuse to leave with no guilt, ya know? That's funny, I respond, because you didn't leave him even when he gave you MANY of those obvious reasons. Then she goes on to justify her staying because her DD isn't being sexually abused. What? That's the yardstick you are using to measure? Everything else is acceptable by comparison? She is miserable & has been fighting the worse depression I've seen her in during the 15+ yrs we've been friends but she refuses to make changes because she wants someone else to do it for her.

Since my mom-meltdown in late summer I've gone minimal contact with her because that's what was best for me. I don't ignore her calls but I don't go out of my way any longer to initiate contact & make conversation. I don't ask a ton of crap about what she's going through & offer assistance or suggestions. I don't force myself to find events to include her in or invite her along for, but when DD had her 1st school performance I certainly didn't leave her out.

So now when I have seen or talked to her, it's strained. I'm over forcing conversation & racking my brain to try to come up with topics that are "safe". We have nothing in common as we've always been very different people. She forced me to talk about it briefly but a lot of the crap I'd been digging up was not-great-stuff about her & I was trying to keep distance while I worked through it - I didn't want to lash out emotionally, you know? I told her this & she still pressed for examples.

It is getting more strained as the weeks tick by now because instead of really focusing on herself, she's just trying to make me happy because I'm sure, she's obsessing over what I have already shared with her. (obsessing, not understanding) Suddenly after years of me suggesting it, she's finally joined the (free) gym she's had access to. She finally started some volunteer work to get outside of herself for a bit. Great for her - but I don't feel like she deserves a medal of honor. She only did this in reaction to me "dropping the rope". It's no different than an alcoholic suddenly attending a single meeting & saying See? I'm recovering, right? No.

The mom-topic came up briefly this weekend with Sis & she gave me a touch of haughty attitude & some line about how we're just going to have to sit down & hash it out. Um, no, we don't. My recovery = My Business. I don't need you all to understand or work around my needs. If you'll notice, Dear Sis, you are the uncomfortable ones, not me.

So first thing this morning I signed up for a new class this Friday night. I have to meet new people & widen my circle with more positive, forward-focused influences.

Bring. It. On.

SparkleKitty

I understand this vent perfectly. I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

When I find myself taking others' inventories and becoming frustrated and upset with what I find there, it usually means I am angry or disappointed with something in myself. Untangling that knot takes time, so I try to detach from situations I know are going to set me off until I can approach them peacefully again.

Then it's all coloring and jigsaw puzzles until I work it out.

FireSprite

Yes, absolutely, I've been walking away & dropping the rope constantly.

It doesn't end there though..... it leads to a bunch of questions about what's my problem? What's wrong with ME?

Um, nothing. I'm perfectly fine. (just really bored)

**insert tension here**

Mango blast

I've had these days, too. Not so much all in one place yet, but I'm sure it'll come up. I'm practicing in smaller numbers.

What has helped me the most the past couple of weeks is remembering that if it's beyond the tip of my nose, it's not my business. I even touch my nose sometimes when I'm alone to remind me, and thank my HP for it!!

The hula-hoop analogy (staying inside mine) is confusing to me sometimes. I "get" it, yet my brain doesn't always. I often want to invite others into my hula-hoop, or get into theirs. Progress, not perfection. I used to want to tell them HOW they should hula-hoop while standing inside theirs, while trying to pull other people into their hula-hoop, too!!

So is the problem really with them, or that you want them to experience life the same way you're now seeing it? How can it be enough to be in the moment, to accept them how they are? Questions I've been struggling with for quite a while. It seems to be getting easier. As I practice it, I get better at it. Last week I fell down, beat up myself for a day for not being better, then hit a couple extra Alanon meetings and heard exactly what I needed to hear. I had insight into how my brain is working, and changing, and how to be gentle with myself. A lot of my own problems are with unrealistic expectations of myself and perfectionism. My program and recovery will never be perfect. It's not meant to be. I'm okay as I am. I am enough.

Taking gratitude to wonderful extremes has been beneficial, also. Talking to HP more often, giving things up and asking for guidance throughout the day. I forget to do this, and as someone told me, it's okay to then say "Oh... hi HP, I forgot that I'm a woman of faith and You have this!!"

Ktf

ps -- for years I haven't accepted my mom as she is, and there was an extended period of time I felt betrayed by her actions and words not meeting up. Even when I thought I was accepting her, I was trying to change her. Now that I'm doing 4th step work, I see there's a lot in her that I also have and really don't like about how I've been. Somehow, I'm coming to accept her fully as I'm coming to accept my flaws fully. And as I let go, she's gently changing on her own. Not on my timeline or how I'd like, but she has her own path.

Mango blast

To paraphrase what I needed to hear on a certain occasion:

"Are you expecting (them) to be good communicators? It is your expectation, not (their) behavior that has you upset. Ask HP to remove this shortcoming (in my case, of expecting an active alcoholic to behave like anything else ). Then carry on."


Are you comfortable with yourself, walking in your truth and spiritually fit? Ironic how taking care of little things like time for me and enjoying the in-between moments of the day can change up my viewpoint of everything around me. Taking different actions. Not being in the same moment/situation that tends to trigger me... or if I choose to, to stay intent on responding differently to it. It seems like you're already doing these things.

(((((FireSprite))))

You are okay, just as you are. You are enough. Be very gentle with yourself. Kudos on the positive forward actions!

FireSprite

Yeah, this is gonna sound really cold but.... I think I really AM just bored with it all.

I've got no problem letting others walk their own paths in their own time. Anything I've offered in the way of advice or whatever has only been as a result of being directly asked for my opinion. I even restate it - Are you asking my opinion? BTDT with that lesson in early recovery. (Which I've started to refer to as Boot Camp, btw. It seems a somewhat appropriate comparison.) We've also had a standing rule that you never ask Fire a direct question you aren't ready to hear the true answer to.

I definitely run out of generic, bland responses: "Ugh, that sounds difficult." "How frustrating" "Really? Wow." "I didn't know that." ... which leads to walking away faster. I definitely had high expectations (my bad) that after spending weeks planning our first girls' night in about a year that STILL had to include children in order to accommodate, we're going to sit here & run the same scenarios, the same conversations... really?

I think that anytime that anyone stays in a rut like that though, they naturally start to turn inward; reducing outside influences slowly & surely. When you keep narrowing your world view like that, you're not bringing anything to the friendship table any longer, I guess, in a manner of speaking. Certainly my own recovery taking me in the opposite direction most of the time widens the chasm. It's been a progression getting to this point on the whole, not something that I just focused on at this moment. We're talking years now of the same struggles, same challenges, same potential solutions, same fears, same circles, same dazed denial..... etc. Years of walking in opposite directions, sounds like, reading back on my own paragraph.

My sister adopts new personality traits every time her relationship changes, it's not just a subtle difference. I don't understand it - it's almost condescending? idk, haven't really thought about it, again, I just drop the rope. She's trying, but I have to shake my head sometimes. Today she text me that she hopes one day I can just let the past be the past & move on. O.M. G.

With mom, I actually feel like I am accepting her more every day, which is not the same thing as tolerating her behaviors. That's the part she doesn't understand. I've changed the dance steps by dropping her pass-aggress rope & she is angry. It's building, all of the tension is coming from her side when I refuse again & again to engage in her emo games. She asked my sister why I am punishing her. Mind you - I haven't DONE anything except NOT go out of my way to contact her, call her, make DD call her, create time in my schedule to visit her & include her in activities that accommodate her physical limitations. All while she just uh-huhs & nods along. (Until I guess wrong, like thinking it was ok to invite mine & sis's best friends of 15+ yrs for our Labor Day BBQ last month..... then it's all snark & tone. Whew! Her attitude was so palpable the minute she walked in & saw them that they offered to leave!) But when DD had her school performance last week, of COURSE I included her & THAT threw her for a loop - I wasn't acting mad, faking & covering up anger. She can't "read" me to know how to respond.

IDK how to describe it except to say that every interaction with her requires so much energy that it's exhausting. She has to be managed because she latches onto my energy like a dang vampire. Throughout the course of the summer she pushed & pushed & pushed at me until I finally had to just do the limited contact for self-preservation. I can't change her, I can remove myself. I tried to do it gracefully - she pushed her agenda & now is martyring herself on my response to that. All unnecessary, she's working herself up to a tizzy but that's not my monkey. I can't control when she's going to lash at me so limited contact makes sense. Why expose myself? It's been 42 yrs of this BS, I don't WANT to play reindeer games any longer. Not once a month, not a few times per year. I've been to her house once in the last 2 months & suddenly ~BAM~ suddenly there are books I've shared with her on the coffee table? The mandala books & art supplies I gave her when she was feeling so low one day, all scattered around (not used, mind you - scattered)..... emotional manipulation, folks. When I don't ask all about them, pay it no attention, she just simmers & glowers. It's unbelievable.

When I started recovery, she had a full-blown meltdown. Honest to God - Melt. Down. She summoned me & sis to her house to "tell us how it was gonna be" in her exact words. Mind you - I sat there, a shell of myself already. I was broken. AH & I had only just moved back in together after almost 3 yrs of separation during which time she offered me exactly zero support & made exactly zero inquiries about my life - metaphorically plugging her ears to my struggles & pretending they weren't happening. Calling me constantly & yelling at me about everything my sister was doing wrong in her life. RAH & I are in the first months of Boot Camp.... I sometimes stared at the phone thinking, this can't be real, these things she's saying? Thank GOD for SR because I could never have stood up to her that night like I did without the chorus of voices in my head, helping me stay focused on the Big Picture. It was a moment that shattered me in a way that helped me to start a new definition in the same stroke.

She is extremely codependent - that's not a judgment, she IS. She ONLY exists in relation to others & has no definition for herself in absence of that connection. But SHE has to see that. When I once suggested (a long time ago) that she read up on codependency she scoffed out loud. Why? She doesn't have that. Ok.

So, yeah, new activities needed. Things are feeling stale for too long. New people, new energy, new potential for ME to grow. New conversations & ideas. More opportunity to meet like-minded people travelling parallel paths, you know? I can't wait - it always leads to the next thing & I won't know what that is until I do this!

If you read all of this

suncatcher

FS I needed to read your post today .thank you! It sounds like you are taking healthy steps with setting boundaries while taking care of yourself! It's a struggle sometimes isn't it? But keep up the good work!

LifeRecovery

Reading your post yesterday made me think.

How grateful I should feel for anger and frustration......

It is those emotions that often get me moving in a forward direction and into finding/trying new things.

hopeful4

Oh man, I really do understand. I hate to admit, but there are definitely people I had to stop being around in my life b/c I literally could not stand that they refuse to move from this really horrible place. It was too much for me to try to be their support system when they were unwilling to do a single thing for themselves. This person wants someone to come in and rescue her, and it's not going to happen. I just cannot deal with it. At first, that came with a lot of guilt. As time went, I saw that was an unhealthy relationship for me, and if I was around her, I let it get to me and affect my mood, which just cannot happen.

It's absolutely OK to move away from people who are toxic to you.

Many, many hugs to you!

tomsteve

...."but I don't feel like she deserves a medal of honor. She only did this in reaction to me "dropping the rope". It's no different than an alcoholic suddenly attending a single meeting & saying See? I'm recovering, right? No."


cant recall what year it was, somewhere around 5, but i called my sponsor with the underlying motive to get some praise for attaining 5 (or however many) years sober.
rambling on a bit, he just listened. then when i finished he said," if youre looking for kudos for doing something you should have been doing all your life, it wont come from me."
took me a bit to get over the resentment but i finally got some humility and admtted he was right.

FireSprite

I really like this attitude. And it's TRUE. These are always the moments that propel me to action. I absolutely recognize this feeling of discontent, this impatience.

Thanks All!

Talking with by very best friend that lives many states away last night was helpful too. She is a very active person like me & is up for going & doing & learning & trying.... but I seem to be surrounded by a lot of people that want to sit down & be still. And that's ok for them, but it doesn't fit my Sagittarian nature. I want to move, travel, debate, have adventures, sleep good & do it all again tomorrow.

In reflecting on everything I think it's the first time I've felt so much judgment from everyone at the same time too - judgment for being healthy, mind you. This kind of, "Ugh, you think it's just SO easy, don't you?" eyeroll. It's like they've forgotten they've been watching me climb this mountain & that I've invited every one of them to find their own paths, in their own ways. They've forgotten how broken I was, blinded by their own chaos & codependency. They aren't ready or may never feel the need for whole-life changes & it's sad, but their right to do so.

I feel pretty amazing these days so, meh. I feel healthy & happy. I love myself, I love sharing that feeling with those that appreciate it..... like surprising DD with a Tuesday night movie & pizza party last night for the sheer hell of it. She's a great kid, works hard, is crushing her goals & she really wanted to see that movie.

I also scheduled acupuncture for just before my new class this Friday & today I'm experimenting with henna on my hair. Wish me luck!

LifeRecovery

FireSprite-

I have used this poem more often at other times in my journey, but this post reminded me so eloquently of it and I re-read it today.

THE GUEST HOUSE
by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.