he did it again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Nikki,
I'm glad that your sister is staying with you for the week. This will help you out a lot.
Your RA is very similar to my ex. Plus with the additional baggage of him possibly having a mental health issue, it is hard to predict what they will do.
My ex only hit me when he was drunk, until, he did it when he was sober.
I know that they say abuse is all about control. It usually is. But, did you ever think about when an abuser loses control. I think almost all of us here can admit to ourselves losing control. H3ll, I left my ex because I think I was more afraid of me hurting him, by the time I left, and I am a somewhat normal person that tries to avoid confrontation.
With you telling him to leave, it can trigger his abandonment issues, which could make him quite irrational (even for him).
I think that is what most of us are worried about, (aside from the fact that he is an abuser, that hurts you everyday).
I just want you to keep yourself safe until you get him out of there. The most dangerous time for a woman is when they are leaving the abuser. This is when an abuser feels his loss of control, and can really become "out of control".
Yes, he may start doing things around the house again, especially with your sister there. Just know this is all so that he can just look good to other people.
Here for you
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I'm glad that your sister is staying with you for the week. This will help you out a lot.
Your RA is very similar to my ex. Plus with the additional baggage of him possibly having a mental health issue, it is hard to predict what they will do.
My ex only hit me when he was drunk, until, he did it when he was sober.
I know that they say abuse is all about control. It usually is. But, did you ever think about when an abuser loses control. I think almost all of us here can admit to ourselves losing control. H3ll, I left my ex because I think I was more afraid of me hurting him, by the time I left, and I am a somewhat normal person that tries to avoid confrontation.
With you telling him to leave, it can trigger his abandonment issues, which could make him quite irrational (even for him).
I think that is what most of us are worried about, (aside from the fact that he is an abuser, that hurts you everyday).
I just want you to keep yourself safe until you get him out of there. The most dangerous time for a woman is when they are leaving the abuser. This is when an abuser feels his loss of control, and can really become "out of control".
Yes, he may start doing things around the house again, especially with your sister there. Just know this is all so that he can just look good to other people.
Here for you
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
The point is, we really really do care about you and want all the best. And many of us were on the same side and were putting up with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I myself was undergoing mental torture and was gaslighted big time.
I just see so many red flags in you posts. There is a history of physical violence (alcohol is not an excuse), then him trying to have sex with you (Doesn't he understand you had a surgery??? Doesn't he see you were in pain???), then the porn you wrote about not so long time ago, then verbal abuse, that looooooong list of names he called you, extreme jelaousy, cheating accusations (been there myself, know how that feels), then undermining your exam.
The thing is, leaving tends to be the most dangerous time. My ex got outraged when I told him I would be moving out. He was livid, he was vicious. I never thought he would call me all these names, but he did. Now, my ex no matter how drunk never ever got physical with me. Maybe he could not "control" his tongue, but he could control his moves. Yes, abusers know how far they can go with their victim. Mine knew that noone would believe me if I told them he was calling me names because he idealized me so much, to the puking point. But bruises and scars are visible. The damage to your self-confidence and soul is pretty much invisible.
We just care about you and do not want to see you upset. You deserve hapinnes and stability. That's all.
I just see so many red flags in you posts. There is a history of physical violence (alcohol is not an excuse), then him trying to have sex with you (Doesn't he understand you had a surgery??? Doesn't he see you were in pain???), then the porn you wrote about not so long time ago, then verbal abuse, that looooooong list of names he called you, extreme jelaousy, cheating accusations (been there myself, know how that feels), then undermining your exam.
The thing is, leaving tends to be the most dangerous time. My ex got outraged when I told him I would be moving out. He was livid, he was vicious. I never thought he would call me all these names, but he did. Now, my ex no matter how drunk never ever got physical with me. Maybe he could not "control" his tongue, but he could control his moves. Yes, abusers know how far they can go with their victim. Mine knew that noone would believe me if I told them he was calling me names because he idealized me so much, to the puking point. But bruises and scars are visible. The damage to your self-confidence and soul is pretty much invisible.
We just care about you and do not want to see you upset. You deserve hapinnes and stability. That's all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FTS,
You have come so far since you first joined SR. We all see it, as well as your family and kids. You explain how he verbally abuses you. The question is, how can you avoid situations so that he doesn't have that opportunity. If he does it through texting, block the texting. If he does it in person, don't see him, and so on. I think you have a grasp on what he does and how to avoid it. If you don't have any fear if he stays sober, thats awesome!!
It takes time to execute your plan. Nothing is done over night. You need to take care of your health, figure out what will happen with school, and reach out to the people who will help with the divorce. Besides all the other things "moms" do. You have a lot on your plate. You can figure it all out, do what you need to do and don't force a solution!! It will all fall into place the way it's suppose to!!
Hugs my friend and take care of yourself!! We CARE!!
You have come so far since you first joined SR. We all see it, as well as your family and kids. You explain how he verbally abuses you. The question is, how can you avoid situations so that he doesn't have that opportunity. If he does it through texting, block the texting. If he does it in person, don't see him, and so on. I think you have a grasp on what he does and how to avoid it. If you don't have any fear if he stays sober, thats awesome!!
It takes time to execute your plan. Nothing is done over night. You need to take care of your health, figure out what will happen with school, and reach out to the people who will help with the divorce. Besides all the other things "moms" do. You have a lot on your plate. You can figure it all out, do what you need to do and don't force a solution!! It will all fall into place the way it's suppose to!!
Hugs my friend and take care of yourself!! We CARE!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Hello FTS ... I can only speak from experience ....
I had to see a DV female at the police station many years ago when my husband at the time (ex h now) was abusing me. It had gone on for years and was always alcohol related. No warning on any of the occasions. He would show up ready for a fight and would hurt me or try to kill me.
It often ended with 'you know I can kill you at any moment right ?'
power and control
I feel that he had none in his own life and had to find someone he molded into being weaker - to exert his fake power.
She told me one thing .... 'it will continue to come at shorter intervals and the level of abuse will increase until you may end up dead, either intentionally or by accident'
She was right. I got that order of protection and never looked back. I learned how to shoot, learned self defense, had an escape plan and money put aside. People to call and code words to use.
This was no joke. it's deadly and when perpetuated by a drunk ... like playing Russian roulette.
I am worried for you as so many were worried for me. His words mean nothing. Please don't let them take root. Keep working on you. It is evident that he realizes that you are getting stronger and he is losing his hold on you.
I hope you will heed these words and avoid being around him in any way. One wrong move, one threatening word, etc - please contact the police and get that order if needed so that he is no longer allowed to be near you.
Sending you hugs and prayers. Try to talk to the education school and bypass that teacher if possible. I'm sorry that you are going thru this but only you can end the cycle. Best wishes during this difficult time. Joie
I had to see a DV female at the police station many years ago when my husband at the time (ex h now) was abusing me. It had gone on for years and was always alcohol related. No warning on any of the occasions. He would show up ready for a fight and would hurt me or try to kill me.
It often ended with 'you know I can kill you at any moment right ?'
power and control
I feel that he had none in his own life and had to find someone he molded into being weaker - to exert his fake power.
She told me one thing .... 'it will continue to come at shorter intervals and the level of abuse will increase until you may end up dead, either intentionally or by accident'
She was right. I got that order of protection and never looked back. I learned how to shoot, learned self defense, had an escape plan and money put aside. People to call and code words to use.
This was no joke. it's deadly and when perpetuated by a drunk ... like playing Russian roulette.
I am worried for you as so many were worried for me. His words mean nothing. Please don't let them take root. Keep working on you. It is evident that he realizes that you are getting stronger and he is losing his hold on you.
I hope you will heed these words and avoid being around him in any way. One wrong move, one threatening word, etc - please contact the police and get that order if needed so that he is no longer allowed to be near you.
Sending you hugs and prayers. Try to talk to the education school and bypass that teacher if possible. I'm sorry that you are going thru this but only you can end the cycle. Best wishes during this difficult time. Joie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Nikki,
I wish I was there with you right now. There are things that I would like to say that I would like you to hear, but afraid that you might isolate yourself from a family, here, that truly loves you.
When I started to talk about things that were going on, I got a lot of support. I was on a forum. It just seemed like I wasn't moving fast enough for any one there. I started to shut myself down on that forum. I know your RAH isolates you from some people, mine did also, but then I started to isolate myself. I don't want you to do that. Always remember that your timeframe, is your timeframe. Not anyone elses. It's yours. It's when you feel safe.
I hope that you are not feeling pressure from here. You do know that most people here are people pleasers. Remember the only person you have to please is yourself. I see how much you have grown, and how much more your eyes are opened now, and I think it was because of the support you received here. (I could be wrong).
I remember the poem that you wrote. It was heart aching and beautiful. I remember the camera that you bought last year, and your yearn to be free and just being with nature.
This is the person that I see. I always see that beauty in you and the wanting in you to experience life to it's fullest and to finally feel happiness. I've seen you struggle thru things that most people would just give up.
I've seen you turn Fandy's heart to where she wanted to adopt you.
We are on online, but we have thru together a lot also. I so much admire your strength and courage.
It's so hard when you know the end is here. That there are no other rocks to turn over, nothing else that you can do.
After reading about your childhood and knowing you the way that we do now, there is nothing at all that you can't do. You already walked thru the fires of h3ll and came out the other side. Just one more thing to take care of.
You know that I will always be here for you, I told you that a long time ago. I'm still here, and I care. I'll always care and I will always support you.
Sorry, about all of the rambling. I just wanted you to know how special you are to me. Let us know how you are doing.
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
I wish I was there with you right now. There are things that I would like to say that I would like you to hear, but afraid that you might isolate yourself from a family, here, that truly loves you.
When I started to talk about things that were going on, I got a lot of support. I was on a forum. It just seemed like I wasn't moving fast enough for any one there. I started to shut myself down on that forum. I know your RAH isolates you from some people, mine did also, but then I started to isolate myself. I don't want you to do that. Always remember that your timeframe, is your timeframe. Not anyone elses. It's yours. It's when you feel safe.
I hope that you are not feeling pressure from here. You do know that most people here are people pleasers. Remember the only person you have to please is yourself. I see how much you have grown, and how much more your eyes are opened now, and I think it was because of the support you received here. (I could be wrong).
I remember the poem that you wrote. It was heart aching and beautiful. I remember the camera that you bought last year, and your yearn to be free and just being with nature.
This is the person that I see. I always see that beauty in you and the wanting in you to experience life to it's fullest and to finally feel happiness. I've seen you struggle thru things that most people would just give up.
I've seen you turn Fandy's heart to where she wanted to adopt you.
We are on online, but we have thru together a lot also. I so much admire your strength and courage.
It's so hard when you know the end is here. That there are no other rocks to turn over, nothing else that you can do.
After reading about your childhood and knowing you the way that we do now, there is nothing at all that you can't do. You already walked thru the fires of h3ll and came out the other side. Just one more thing to take care of.
You know that I will always be here for you, I told you that a long time ago. I'm still here, and I care. I'll always care and I will always support you.
Sorry, about all of the rambling. I just wanted you to know how special you are to me. Let us know how you are doing.
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
For the poets
I'm really sorry this: but I don't really have any friends or family. I'm pretty isolated and I need an outlet. I really am having a hard time. I need to write and be heard.
Cold and empty
Sorrow and rage
I keep myself inside this cage
Scared and pathetic
Jealous am I
This mind of mine- I just can't abide
I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying inside
I'm the death of me and from me, I can't hide.
Give me the tools, give me a sign
Dear God let me know that I'm still alive
A breath of fresh air, and the wind in my face
I know, I just know...there is God in this place
Don't hide from me God, I need you so much
Can't you see that I'm drowning? I seek only your touch.
That touch from the sun, the warmth on my skin
You know me so well, from the outside and in.
I want peace so badly, and what must I do?
I feel so far, so far from you.
Don't leave me God, don't cut me from the vine,
redemption, deliverance, can that really be mine?
Can I find peace with so much destruction?
Can I find solace with this much dysfunction?
I choose to stay and I choose to endure
because I believe I deserve nothing more
Can someone wipe these clouds, these clouds from my eyes?
Clarity, clarity......under these gray skies.
Thank you for the vent. I need it tonight. I am really struggling to make sense of everything. Having a BAD day today.
freetosmile
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I posted this wrong somehow. I meant to quote this poem that freetosmile posted back in 2014.
__________________________________________________ ____________
I remember this. It really is a beautiful poem, but it just describes how much you are dying inside.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))'
amy
I'm really sorry this: but I don't really have any friends or family. I'm pretty isolated and I need an outlet. I really am having a hard time. I need to write and be heard.
Cold and empty
Sorrow and rage
I keep myself inside this cage
Scared and pathetic
Jealous am I
This mind of mine- I just can't abide
I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying inside
I'm the death of me and from me, I can't hide.
Give me the tools, give me a sign
Dear God let me know that I'm still alive
A breath of fresh air, and the wind in my face
I know, I just know...there is God in this place
Don't hide from me God, I need you so much
Can't you see that I'm drowning? I seek only your touch.
That touch from the sun, the warmth on my skin
You know me so well, from the outside and in.
I want peace so badly, and what must I do?
I feel so far, so far from you.
Don't leave me God, don't cut me from the vine,
redemption, deliverance, can that really be mine?
Can I find peace with so much destruction?
Can I find solace with this much dysfunction?
I choose to stay and I choose to endure
because I believe I deserve nothing more
Can someone wipe these clouds, these clouds from my eyes?
Clarity, clarity......under these gray skies.
Thank you for the vent. I need it tonight. I am really struggling to make sense of everything. Having a BAD day today.
freetosmile
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I posted this wrong somehow. I meant to quote this poem that freetosmile posted back in 2014.
__________________________________________________ ____________
I remember this. It really is a beautiful poem, but it just describes how much you are dying inside.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))'
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Free, I did not mean to take you to task about contacting your professor about being excused from your exam, and I apologize. You have done every thing possible to make a terrible situation bearable, and I did not intend to add to your burden.
What I should have asked is whether the school itself, not the professor, has a policy that they could choose to follow when someone is so ill and tests are imminent. The administration, if they did, could overrule the professor.
Glad your sister is with you to the end of the week, and my very best wishes.
ShootingStar1
What I should have asked is whether the school itself, not the professor, has a policy that they could choose to follow when someone is so ill and tests are imminent. The administration, if they did, could overrule the professor.
Glad your sister is with you to the end of the week, and my very best wishes.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
((((Free)))) I'm glad you are getting support for your family. I'm sorry things are going down this way, but I am a full believer in things happening for reasons we don't always understand at the time. Not everything arrives in the package we expect, right?
I think what I'm hearing from those up-thread that have more experience in these situations, isn't a misunderstanding your situation so much as a wisdom that comes from having seen "these" situations turn into "those". I think it's more about the unknown factor that occurs when an abuser feels cornered like an animal, or humiliated, or desperate.... and suddenly they DO do things that they normally wouldn't. Him not having a long history of outright physical violence doesn't for one second mean he's incapable of it.
I think you get that & are keeping it in the forefront as you deal with him. ANY interaction has the potential to go in the worst possible way - it's the only way you can afford to think about things with him at this point.
I hope you are able to focus on healing right now with your sister there to help. Sending you LOTS of strength & positive vibes today Girl!! (((((Hugs)))))
I think what I'm hearing from those up-thread that have more experience in these situations, isn't a misunderstanding your situation so much as a wisdom that comes from having seen "these" situations turn into "those". I think it's more about the unknown factor that occurs when an abuser feels cornered like an animal, or humiliated, or desperate.... and suddenly they DO do things that they normally wouldn't. Him not having a long history of outright physical violence doesn't for one second mean he's incapable of it.
I think you get that & are keeping it in the forefront as you deal with him. ANY interaction has the potential to go in the worst possible way - it's the only way you can afford to think about things with him at this point.
I hope you are able to focus on healing right now with your sister there to help. Sending you LOTS of strength & positive vibes today Girl!! (((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Free, I know you knew it was coming. That man has some serious issues he is not going to shake. I am just glad that you will eventually be free of him and his abuse. I am also so glad your family is by your side.
Sending lots of hugs and much love to you!
Sending lots of hugs and much love to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hey just thinking of you - what a bunch of BS you are going through - ALL OF IT!!
On the school front - can you go around your dicky Professor to your adviser - explain the situation? Mine helped me a lot in school when a professor or 2 didn't really care. Wishing you the best - and a speedy recovery - and end to the mess with Super Doosh* at home
*spelled for the benefit of the cuss flagger program
On the school front - can you go around your dicky Professor to your adviser - explain the situation? Mine helped me a lot in school when a professor or 2 didn't really care. Wishing you the best - and a speedy recovery - and end to the mess with Super Doosh* at home
*spelled for the benefit of the cuss flagger program
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Thinking of you Niki! I don't know why, but last weekend seemed to be DV TV marathon for some reason (I think October may be DV Awareness month?) Anyway, watched an HBO documentary called "Private Violence" and then there was the Drew Peterson story/documentary (not the stupid movie). It's stunning how the insane jealosy seems to be at the root of so much DV of the most insidious kind. Just as you pointed out how insidious, Niki. I know you think he won't crack the "good guy" exterior with others, but as it sinks in that he's losing you, losing that control of you, and especially when it means you could end up with another man... he could certainly go crazy bc in his mind there's nothing more to lose for him. And if he loses you, everyone must "lose" you. Stay SAFE. When do you get out of there to go to your Gparents? I must have missed that part where you are going to leave after all. (not counting on him to).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hugs Free.
I'm thinking of you.
I so very much relate to what you are going through, and the kind of abuse your AH is putting you through. Mine is remarkably similar.
You deserve SOOOO much better, and I know you know that.
You will get there Free, brighter days are ahead!
I'm thinking of you.
I so very much relate to what you are going through, and the kind of abuse your AH is putting you through. Mine is remarkably similar.
You deserve SOOOO much better, and I know you know that.
You will get there Free, brighter days are ahead!
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
I feel like you guys are misunderstanding my problem. As do most people when I try to explain him to them. He's not the typical hang out on the couch, drink beer and kick the dog type of abuser. He's insidious. He's picture perfect on the outside ( at least to most people). He's admitted his alcoholism to his friends, his boss, his kids, and so on. He's in therapy. He is taking his meds. He helps the neighbors and has the good ol boy relationship with most people in the community. And everyone is sooo proud of his sobriety. He's not an out in the open type. He's the type of abuser who would kiss you goodbye with a smile in front of the kids and the world, then send you a private text message five minutes after leaving saying what a **** you looked like. His abuse is so much more on an emotional level. It's so.........secretive. It's like he only does it when it's "safe" for him.
After he got out of treatment and jail, he's taken great care to restore his reputation. Physical violence just wouldn't be in HIS best interest right now.
I'm not downplaying this, I'm simply saying, abusers know the BEST way to abuse their victim and with me, he knows it is safe to verbally and emotionally come after me because then he can twist and manipulate his way out of accountability (like to our therapist or me) by saying " well you took it the wrong way" or " i didn't mean anything i said, you should just get over it. "
Abuse is different for some reason when there is no alcohol involved......
I've done Everything in my power to control what i CAN control. And yes, he would try to handle this divorce maturely because now that everyone knows (I've let the cat out of the bag) he is going to need to look like the good guy.
I wish i could better explain the type of person I am dealing with. It's sneaky, it's planned and it's very much more on an emotional and verbal level. He is too self- centered right now tho be physical. It would tarnish the good name that he's gotten... Especially since he has been totally dry and the community just thinks that is so wonderful.
After he got out of treatment and jail, he's taken great care to restore his reputation. Physical violence just wouldn't be in HIS best interest right now.
I'm not downplaying this, I'm simply saying, abusers know the BEST way to abuse their victim and with me, he knows it is safe to verbally and emotionally come after me because then he can twist and manipulate his way out of accountability (like to our therapist or me) by saying " well you took it the wrong way" or " i didn't mean anything i said, you should just get over it. "
Abuse is different for some reason when there is no alcohol involved......
I've done Everything in my power to control what i CAN control. And yes, he would try to handle this divorce maturely because now that everyone knows (I've let the cat out of the bag) he is going to need to look like the good guy.
I wish i could better explain the type of person I am dealing with. It's sneaky, it's planned and it's very much more on an emotional and verbal level. He is too self- centered right now tho be physical. It would tarnish the good name that he's gotten... Especially since he has been totally dry and the community just thinks that is so wonderful.
As for your test ... he knew how important it was, but he tried to sabotage it. He is trying to keep you down by belittling you. Read about narcissistic projection, read about narcissistic gas lighting. I think you will be surprised at what you read. It will help make sense of what has been happening and why he behaves the way he does. Knowledge is power so you will also learn how deflate him and move on with your life.
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Freetosmile, I don't know what to say.... I'm sorry you're in so much pain, that your professor is such a d- and that your AH is such an a--.
Some aspects of your AH sound so very familiar. While with AXH, the only surgery I ever had was when I broke and dislocated my ankle, but with that and any other illness, either mine, or later DS's, AXH always seemed to get nastier. I could never understand why he seemed to do so (because shouldn't a husband _care_ for his wife and child?), but looking back it's easier to see it's related to the fact that I was no longer focusing on meeting his needs. So, while in no way excusable, your AH's actions 'make sense' in the scheme of abusive relationships.
You probably already know it, but an apology from him is so unlikely. AXH still blames me for all the times he was abusive and we've been divorced for almost 5 years now. I always 'deserved' it. (HP I am so relieved I don't have to deal with him on a regular basis anymore. And I'll be so happy for you once you get that safety, too.
)
I'm glad your sister will be there to help and that she'll provide a reason for your AH to be on good behavior. Sending you healing light, wishes for peace and safety and continued strength.
Some aspects of your AH sound so very familiar. While with AXH, the only surgery I ever had was when I broke and dislocated my ankle, but with that and any other illness, either mine, or later DS's, AXH always seemed to get nastier. I could never understand why he seemed to do so (because shouldn't a husband _care_ for his wife and child?), but looking back it's easier to see it's related to the fact that I was no longer focusing on meeting his needs. So, while in no way excusable, your AH's actions 'make sense' in the scheme of abusive relationships.
You probably already know it, but an apology from him is so unlikely. AXH still blames me for all the times he was abusive and we've been divorced for almost 5 years now. I always 'deserved' it. (HP I am so relieved I don't have to deal with him on a regular basis anymore. And I'll be so happy for you once you get that safety, too.
) I'm glad your sister will be there to help and that she'll provide a reason for your AH to be on good behavior. Sending you healing light, wishes for peace and safety and continued strength.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, kiddo,
Sorry I've been away and even more sorry to hear about all the BS you've been dealing with.
You've gotten some good feedback here--it's hard to absorb when your head is spinning and you don't feel well, on top of it.
You're a tough cookie, and very smart. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it.
Keep reaching out for whatever help you need.
Hugs!
Sorry I've been away and even more sorry to hear about all the BS you've been dealing with.
You've gotten some good feedback here--it's hard to absorb when your head is spinning and you don't feel well, on top of it.
You're a tough cookie, and very smart. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it.
Keep reaching out for whatever help you need.
Hugs!
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