slowclimb

I tried a whole bunch of times this morning to reset my password but got frustrated so I'm back with a new name.

My previous name was walkinganewpath....realizing that sounds a lot more positive than slowclimb...ah well such as it is sometimes I guess.

I joined in August/September of 2014 when AH ended up in rehab for the first time. Since then I think I have had the most 'challenging' (aka horrible, sucky, scary, sad, etc) year of my life so far. I had started making progress focusing on myself, reading and posting here, and attending al-anon meetings. Aside from AH continuing to drink and going to rehab again (via jail after riding the drunk crazy train and trashing our house and threatening me ), my stepmom went through hospice at home for 6 weeks and subsequently died in June. I ended up sliding backwards at that time.

Right now I'm finding myself back at the bottom for the most part. Focusing on everyone and everything except me and what I need as well as isolating myself far too much. I haven't been to a meeting in 6 months and am honestly afraid to go. My emotions are so tied up and stuffed down that I'm afraid what will happen if I express them - hence the isolation and lack of introspection.

So for this week I'm reading my books and thought that reading and posting here again might help open up the valve a little slower so that maybe in a week or so I can handle a meeting without a breakdown.

Thanks for listening....

dandylion

slowclimb....whatever works! Do whatever works for you, I say.

Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!

***Just out of curiosity....what would happen if you "broke down" at a meeting? ......like, would the world stop spinning on it's axis? Would the locusts come?
Rivers of tears are shed at alanon meetings....lol

ShootingStar1

Welcome back! Just ease gently into recovery - - think of lowering yourself slowly into a hot bubble bath, and feeling the relaxation and comfort once you are in... and the big sigh of relief...

Post often, we'll stay with you

ShootingStar1

slowclimb

Logically I know it's all good to cry there, no locusts, lots of hugs and a big box of tissues (purposely placed directly in front of me often times). I think the control aspect of me is trying to avoid it and the pain associated with admitting to the mess inside me. I also know that once I get it out it can get better. Home meeting is on Friday morning....I have a day to pep talk myself.

Locusts...hehehe...that's a good one...thanks!

slowclimb

Thank you!

FireSprite

I'm all for a good cry too, I always feel better afterward. I always think of dandylion's share a while back about how crying for different reasons releases different hormones, chemicals, emotions etc. How it's a literal purging for the body. After reading that I stopped questioning why I cried every time I felt a very strong emotion - empathy, love, disgust, fear, anger, sadness, joy; you name it.

I'm glad you're back but I'm sorry for all that you've been through! (((((hugs)))))

FeelingGreat

Welcome back SC. So where is AH now? Still in rehab? That smashing, threatening, jail thing doesn't sound like much fun for you, on top of your SM dying.

I hope things will look up from here.