What is a good alanon meeting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
What is a good alanon meeting?
I've been to at least a dozen or more (different) alanon meetings in my area, but I have not found a meeting that makes me comfortable. Most of the meetings are women with a "poor me" attitude complaining about their situation - it's like a competition to see who has the worst life! I haven't found any of the meetings to be helpful. The last few meetings I've been to, I left early because it was so frustrating to listen to people whinning. I'm tempted to think al-anon is not for me, but everyone else seems to think it is so helpful. What am I missing?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Call your local chapter of Alanon it should be listed in the white bussiness section of your phone book and tell them what you have told us. This ought not be happening. Ask them if they have a meeting where the people actually work on getting well....
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Veronica,
Well, those certainly aren't what I would consider good meetings. A good meeting is when you have a good mix of "old-timers" and newcomers, with the old-timers sharing stories of recovery methods that have allowed them to end a lot of the chaotic behaviors in their life and let them find some peace and serenity. In fact, people shouldn't be sharing much about the details of their situation and their alcoholic, they should be sharing about how they're trying to make their lives better.
Don't give up on al-anon, it really is a great program.
Well, those certainly aren't what I would consider good meetings. A good meeting is when you have a good mix of "old-timers" and newcomers, with the old-timers sharing stories of recovery methods that have allowed them to end a lot of the chaotic behaviors in their life and let them find some peace and serenity. In fact, people shouldn't be sharing much about the details of their situation and their alcoholic, they should be sharing about how they're trying to make their lives better.
Don't give up on al-anon, it really is a great program.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Journey and Splendra are right, the meetings you described seem to be a little off course.
I know when I walk into a meeting, I can be feeling really bad, mad, sad or glad and I always leave feeling at peace. In the meetings I've attended, we usually take turns reading from one of the Alanon santioned books and the person reading talks about what that page's message means to them or how they have or can apply it in their life for the betterment of things.
I know when I walk into a meeting, I can be feeling really bad, mad, sad or glad and I always leave feeling at peace. In the meetings I've attended, we usually take turns reading from one of the Alanon santioned books and the person reading talks about what that page's message means to them or how they have or can apply it in their life for the betterment of things.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
Got a question here for some one? I am really scare to go to a AlAnon meeting here in UK. I live on High Street..which can get nasty after about 8/9:00PM at night..with yobs and drunks..causing all kinds of trouble. The police aren't the best to come to the recuse! Problem being...AlAnon meetings are 7:30PM to 10:30PM. I don't drive over here and buses don't run this time of night where meetings are being held. My AH works nights and taking a cab is rather expensive..so do any of you have any ideas as to how to get to meeting without all the hassles of having to deal with yobs and drunks leaving the local pubs? I really am in a panic state over this. I won't go out after dark here.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
The only thing I can think of is to take a cab to the first one and then ask at the meeting if anyone would pick you up for the next one for your safety. You never know how things have a way of working out. There may be a group of people near you that all ride or walk together. You never know if you don't ask.
If the 1st cab isn't an option, then take mace (making sure to keep it in your hand and ready at all times) or borrow someones pit bull to walk to and from the meeting with you.
If the 1st cab isn't an option, then take mace (making sure to keep it in your hand and ready at all times) or borrow someones pit bull to walk to and from the meeting with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
That's a great suggestion jenna! I actually went to a quick course about a year ago with my local police department that was for women about self defence and such. You might try to find out if there is something like that. And if they don't have something like that set up...see if you can drum up some interest at one of your meetings (the one that I went to was actually specifically set up because someone that I worked with asked them for it and got a bunch of people to commit to going)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
Hey,thanks. The dog is a good idea. Carrying maze is against the law here...think only the police can carry that. The self-defense is a good idea. Thats what is so scary here...the laws are so different. ...and the police don't react in the same ways as they do in USA. They don't carry guns here. Self defense or helping some one else in trouble can land...a person in hot water..here. Seems yobs and criminals have the rights these days.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Veronica
Even at a meeting such as you discribed. You may still get something out of it.
With each Complaint should come a solution/suggestion.
For me hearing a real life problem and then hearing a solution, I feel I understand it better. To hear well but what if this was to happen, yes but what if then this happens?
What if’s vs. real life… I will take the real with a real solution every time.
A complaint comes out… raise a hand and ask…OK what should we be doing in such a situation. How should we deal with such?
A simple question should redirect things where they should be.
A cruddy situation but a situation that you can turn around to help not only yourself find answers but all in attendance.
A great example of… you will get out what you put in…. though we shouldn’t need be putting in so often *LOL*
I think you may be put at the meetings to straighten them out *grin*
A paying forward to self in a way.
Even at a meeting such as you discribed. You may still get something out of it.
With each Complaint should come a solution/suggestion.
For me hearing a real life problem and then hearing a solution, I feel I understand it better. To hear well but what if this was to happen, yes but what if then this happens?
What if’s vs. real life… I will take the real with a real solution every time.
A complaint comes out… raise a hand and ask…OK what should we be doing in such a situation. How should we deal with such?
A simple question should redirect things where they should be.
A cruddy situation but a situation that you can turn around to help not only yourself find answers but all in attendance.
A great example of… you will get out what you put in…. though we shouldn’t need be putting in so often *LOL*
I think you may be put at the meetings to straighten them out *grin*
A paying forward to self in a way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
Okay...I am definitely missing something. I got the recommendation of a "good" alanon meeting in my area. The person who led it was a gentleman in his late 30s, whose parents stopped drinking BEFORE he was born - he spent about 15 minutes (literally) complaining about the therapy his parents made him go to when he was 11! There were no other alcoholics in his life. Then a few people vented here and there, but no one talked about their experience with the alcoholic in their lives - one woman went off on some tanget about her cats. Ugh! I tried another meeting - this time at lunch instead of after work - and the whole time they talked about the Ninth Tradition...which is great, but talking about acts of service does nothing to help me learn about dealing with my AH. I went to third meeting and it was awesome - I completely related to everyone in the room...well, except that everyone was talking about their child...but I related to their emotions and their struggles. Turns out (someone politely told me after the meeting), the meeting is for parents of alcoholics. Ugh. I am really having no luck. Can I go to the meeting for parents or would that be wrong? I've tired over a dozen meetings and I can't find one with people that I can relate to. I'm so frustrated.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Veronica, Hi! A good meeting should have members sharing their experience, strength and hope. Members should be into the solution more than the problem. At my home group we study a step on the 1st Monday of the month, 2ns Monday is open to chairperson on any alanon meeting literature, 3rd Monday is a Tradition study, and the 4th Monday is a Concept study. After the meeting subject is discussed if there is time for individual sharing we do it then. Most always it is sharing ESH. We allow newcomers to share just so long about their As then someone, usually an old timer, speaks to them in private, about how the program works and it is suggested they get a sponsor.
Yes we are structured but most of us who have lived with alcoholism only know the chaos of the disease want and need to know that some things don't change. The minute I hear the Steps being read something inside me immediately seem to feel a sense of quietness come over me (which is exactly what I need).
I am so blessed with the greatest home group. Please keep trying.
Yes, you should be welcome at the parents meeting if that's where you find what you are looking for and it meets you needs.
Welcome to SR.
Love and prayers,
Daffodil
Yes we are structured but most of us who have lived with alcoholism only know the chaos of the disease want and need to know that some things don't change. The minute I hear the Steps being read something inside me immediately seem to feel a sense of quietness come over me (which is exactly what I need).
I am so blessed with the greatest home group. Please keep trying.
Yes, you should be welcome at the parents meeting if that's where you find what you are looking for and it meets you needs.
Welcome to SR.
Love and prayers,
Daffodil
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I agree with Daffodil.
There are many parents of alcoholics who attend the Alanon meetings I go to and I often find their words comforting. If you find comfort in hearing how they meet the challenges of dealing with an alcoholic then that is what it is all about. Tell them during the meeting that you are not a parent of an alcoholic but have an alcoholic husband, although you find their meetings more comforting and helpful than any others you've tried. They will welcome you with open arms. It's still an Alanon meeting!
Also, the meeting you went to where they talked about the 9th tradition, well that is because this is the 9th month of the year and that is how Al-anon meetings go about talking about traditions. I don't find the tradition meetings as helpful either, but most groups don't hold but one tradition meeting a month. But the fact that this group did, tells me that they might be following the program as it should be followed. So in addition to attending the parents of alcoholics meeting, I would suggest that you go back to this group again and give them another try. If you do go back to a try this group again or any other regular Alanon meetings, I would look for someone who has been in the program for several years and who you feel you can relate to and then ask for their number so you can call them and ask more questions later on.
Don't give up! And pray for God's will ( or the God of your understanding's will) to be done in your life. Pray that you may find the right meeting for you, for the meeting that your HP knows will be of most help to you and your husband. And get your hands onto some Alanon books. The daily devotionals are wonderful! As someone else said, maybe you can bring one or more of those groups back to the focus - which is healing, not gripping. Just think...if you did that in just one group, then the next person like you might find comfort from their first meeting instead of frustration.
I am so proud of you for sticking with it. Those books that I mentioned can be wonderful tools. They will teach you so much. I can tell you the names of some good ones to pick up at your next meeting if you would like me to.
Hang in there. We're root'n for ya!!
There are many parents of alcoholics who attend the Alanon meetings I go to and I often find their words comforting. If you find comfort in hearing how they meet the challenges of dealing with an alcoholic then that is what it is all about. Tell them during the meeting that you are not a parent of an alcoholic but have an alcoholic husband, although you find their meetings more comforting and helpful than any others you've tried. They will welcome you with open arms. It's still an Alanon meeting!
Also, the meeting you went to where they talked about the 9th tradition, well that is because this is the 9th month of the year and that is how Al-anon meetings go about talking about traditions. I don't find the tradition meetings as helpful either, but most groups don't hold but one tradition meeting a month. But the fact that this group did, tells me that they might be following the program as it should be followed. So in addition to attending the parents of alcoholics meeting, I would suggest that you go back to this group again and give them another try. If you do go back to a try this group again or any other regular Alanon meetings, I would look for someone who has been in the program for several years and who you feel you can relate to and then ask for their number so you can call them and ask more questions later on.
Don't give up! And pray for God's will ( or the God of your understanding's will) to be done in your life. Pray that you may find the right meeting for you, for the meeting that your HP knows will be of most help to you and your husband. And get your hands onto some Alanon books. The daily devotionals are wonderful! As someone else said, maybe you can bring one or more of those groups back to the focus - which is healing, not gripping. Just think...if you did that in just one group, then the next person like you might find comfort from their first meeting instead of frustration.
I am so proud of you for sticking with it. Those books that I mentioned can be wonderful tools. They will teach you so much. I can tell you the names of some good ones to pick up at your next meeting if you would like me to.
Hang in there. We're root'n for ya!!
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