the break up that just won't end
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
the break up that just won't end
Well, I think I had posted about my ASO and I breaking up and him moving out. This has happened before...he has moved out and then talked me into taking him back. Well this time there was not even a small little tiny crack in my veneer....no way was he coming back. He even said ...again...one of his empty threats...if I leave this time, i'm never coming back. Ah, yea, that IS the idea.
Well I was being patient in giving him time to get his things out. I know he has to get a truck or make arrangements, etc. Well he ahd a million and one reasons why he couldn't get his things now. I just couldnt' understand why he would want to drag it out. My friends had all said...he needs to get his things out now so you can both get on with things.
Last weekend we had another huge fight. He had been gone a week or more but all his things are still at my house. He threatened me and we had major long phone convos. Don't ask me why I attempted to argue with him. there is no arguing with him. Buthe was threatening a friend of mine and threateneing to make a scene at my work. So I had to threaten him back. I threatened a protective order and have him forcibly removed. If he made a scene at work. So he backed WAY down. And even asked if we could stop fighing. He became all civil again. He is like a split personality.
Well, now I know why. HE plays this game. Let's threaten her and see if she'll stop all this break up nonsense. No that didn't work. OK..how about if I am sweet and nice and understanding and turn on the charm. OK, now dammit, that didn't work either...back to square one...being nasty again. I just called to say that I wanted to participate in a garage sale Saturday and did he think he could get the big things out of the garage so I would have room. He wanted to start up with all the same old arguments about our relationship...which in my mind, IS OVER. So he's dragging his feet on getting his things, cause he thinks I am going to back down. I see it now.
I SO want this to be over. And all the fighting on the phone is upsetting to me and to my kids. SO unfair. IF someone told me they wanted me out of their life...I'd move so fast their head would spin. What in the heck do I do??? I have to cmoe up wtih plan B in case he doesn't show up Friday and get his things. I realy don't want to involve the police. Sheez..that is just not me. But if he doesn't get his things...I m either doing that or renting a truck myself and dumping hs things at his son's. I'm so sick of this...figuratively and literally!!!
Well I was being patient in giving him time to get his things out. I know he has to get a truck or make arrangements, etc. Well he ahd a million and one reasons why he couldn't get his things now. I just couldnt' understand why he would want to drag it out. My friends had all said...he needs to get his things out now so you can both get on with things.
Last weekend we had another huge fight. He had been gone a week or more but all his things are still at my house. He threatened me and we had major long phone convos. Don't ask me why I attempted to argue with him. there is no arguing with him. Buthe was threatening a friend of mine and threateneing to make a scene at my work. So I had to threaten him back. I threatened a protective order and have him forcibly removed. If he made a scene at work. So he backed WAY down. And even asked if we could stop fighing. He became all civil again. He is like a split personality.
Well, now I know why. HE plays this game. Let's threaten her and see if she'll stop all this break up nonsense. No that didn't work. OK..how about if I am sweet and nice and understanding and turn on the charm. OK, now dammit, that didn't work either...back to square one...being nasty again. I just called to say that I wanted to participate in a garage sale Saturday and did he think he could get the big things out of the garage so I would have room. He wanted to start up with all the same old arguments about our relationship...which in my mind, IS OVER. So he's dragging his feet on getting his things, cause he thinks I am going to back down. I see it now.
I SO want this to be over. And all the fighting on the phone is upsetting to me and to my kids. SO unfair. IF someone told me they wanted me out of their life...I'd move so fast their head would spin. What in the heck do I do??? I have to cmoe up wtih plan B in case he doesn't show up Friday and get his things. I realy don't want to involve the police. Sheez..that is just not me. But if he doesn't get his things...I m either doing that or renting a truck myself and dumping hs things at his son's. I'm so sick of this...figuratively and literally!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
plan A) Tell him you're participating in the sale and his things are getting price tags if they're not gone on Friday. Then do it.
plan B) Tell him you called a charity to come and get his things and they're coming Saturday. If he gets the stuff on Friday, you'll call them and cancel. Then do it.
plan C) Tell him you're making up a bill for storing his things. Free storage ends on Friday. Send one copy to him and make sure you indicate that you're sending a cc to your attorney. Then do it.
All my other potential plans are destructive and possibly illegal.
Hugs,
Smoke
plan B) Tell him you called a charity to come and get his things and they're coming Saturday. If he gets the stuff on Friday, you'll call them and cancel. Then do it.
plan C) Tell him you're making up a bill for storing his things. Free storage ends on Friday. Send one copy to him and make sure you indicate that you're sending a cc to your attorney. Then do it.
All my other potential plans are destructive and possibly illegal.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
hey I never thought of those plan B's. I like em!!
I just see no reason to involve the police. But my friends are worried about me. I am going to see if my brother and sister can come up Friday night and be here so I am not here alone. I don't want anymore scenes. I really am on the verge of an emotional/physical collapse. He has raked me over the coals emotionally too many times.
Well, I just keep telling him when he islike this...Thank you. HE looks at me strange. I say Thank you....I used to second guess my decision about asking you to leave. Now I am more certain than ever. So, thanks for that.
Now I can mourn being alone again....no mourning for missing him!!
I just see no reason to involve the police. But my friends are worried about me. I am going to see if my brother and sister can come up Friday night and be here so I am not here alone. I don't want anymore scenes. I really am on the verge of an emotional/physical collapse. He has raked me over the coals emotionally too many times.
Well, I just keep telling him when he islike this...Thank you. HE looks at me strange. I say Thank you....I used to second guess my decision about asking you to leave. Now I am more certain than ever. So, thanks for that.
Now I can mourn being alone again....no mourning for missing him!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
TV - I'm in a similar situation. My AH moved out on Friday, and Saturday...and Sunday. The plan was to have everything moved out of our house and into his new apartment by Sunday...big surprise, he spent most of the weekend drinking and only moved the furniture out on Saturday when a friend of his came over to help. On Monday, my AH came over to our house to get clean clothes. I talked to him about moving the rest of his things out, but he suddenly wasn't feeling well (legimately, though had he not been drinking he probably would have felt okay) and he left - without taking anything more than a comforter and pillows. So...Monday evening around 6pm, I drove over to his apartment and dumped the rest of his stuff off. He was drunk and furious. He still has things at our house (like his work clothes), but that doesn't really bother me - when he needs those in the morning, I'll already have left for work and it will give him some time with our dog, who is having a tough time with everything (I can only imagine what this must be like with kids!). Anyway, long way of saying, I understand where you are and what you are going through. Hang in there - and I love some of the alternate plans listed above!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Yeah Smoke really good ones . TV I would call an attorney and make sure they are legal to do but putting him on a time limit is what you need to do. I would not spend my time and money on his things unless it was to sell them in a garage sale to make money. Making sure someone is there when he comes over is a good idea, your safety is the most important thing. You might also want to record your converstaions with him if you can so if you have to get a protection order you will have enough to show the Judge. In the state I live in it is legal if one of the people in the conversation knows that they are being taped you may need to find out about that in your state. Good luck and keep safe.
Rose
Rose
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
FYI - www.findlaw.com is a great source for learning the law of your state (go to statutes on the right hand side and find your state - usually you can find a table of contents to direct your search).
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I think I might be the queen of telling a man it is over and then taking him back later. My ex and I were together this last time for nearly 4 years and I must have kicked him out 20 times or so during that and...of course...I always let him or wanted him back later. So needless to say, I trained him to know that I would take him back. So when I was really serious a year ago...he did what I had trained him to do! He kept calling and promising to change and sweet talking me the way he always did. And it was REALLY hard on him when I didn't let him back. When he realized that I really meant it...well he didn't know what to do with himself because all the sudden I had changed the rules on the way we played our little game.
It took me a long time to realize this and to this day it's still a tough one to admit to, but I know now that I was also part of the problem in our relationship. This is just my personal experience. And all I'm really saying is that it may take him a while to realize that you really mean it this time.
With me...I meant it the last time, but still knew there was a small chance that i would let him back.
My suggestion is that you really think hard about if you mean it this time and if there is ANY chance that you may change your mind. Then, I would talk to him and let him know that you understand that he expects to be let back in because that is how it has been in the past, but this time is different. And it may just take some time passing before he realizes that you really are not going to let him come back.
Like I said, until recently I hadn't taken responsiblity for MY part in the game that my ex and I played. I just blamed everything on him
because I was the one doing everything right and he just kept messing things up. And even though that is mostly true...I ALLOWED him to always come back so I was a voluntary player in our little games.
Try and be patient. It's hard. I know. I actually did go to get a restraining order, which they never could find him to serve him and I slept through the court hearing so guess what....I'm the one hurting from it. I still owe more than $100 to the court for filing fees and that stuff.
Good luck and God bless,
Jenna
It took me a long time to realize this and to this day it's still a tough one to admit to, but I know now that I was also part of the problem in our relationship. This is just my personal experience. And all I'm really saying is that it may take him a while to realize that you really mean it this time.
With me...I meant it the last time, but still knew there was a small chance that i would let him back.
My suggestion is that you really think hard about if you mean it this time and if there is ANY chance that you may change your mind. Then, I would talk to him and let him know that you understand that he expects to be let back in because that is how it has been in the past, but this time is different. And it may just take some time passing before he realizes that you really are not going to let him come back.
Like I said, until recently I hadn't taken responsiblity for MY part in the game that my ex and I played. I just blamed everything on him
because I was the one doing everything right and he just kept messing things up. And even though that is mostly true...I ALLOWED him to always come back so I was a voluntary player in our little games.Try and be patient. It's hard. I know. I actually did go to get a restraining order, which they never could find him to serve him and I slept through the court hearing so guess what....I'm the one hurting from it. I still owe more than $100 to the court for filing fees and that stuff.
Good luck and God bless,
Jenna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
oh, Shutterbug...thank you for that post. You are right. This has happened before and he has come back. I know he thinks he will be back here. And I know I do send mixed messages. 1. because I hate to be brutally honest and hurt his feelings and 2. I miss him a great deal BUT...I don't want to live with him. 3. And it's hard...when I talk to the sweet sober man..I want HIM...I just don't want the OTHER guy. So even the break up is a roller coaster ride.
But emotionally I am a roller coaster all by myself.
This morning he called and apologized for getting angry. He said that he felt I was in such a huge hurry to get his things out and it hurt his feelings. He wants to know if I still love him. Oh, this is so hard. My mind is a muddle now. I hate it when he gets angry and yells and cusses at me. I hate that. It throws me into a tizzy.
So, Shutterbug, I am going to talk to him aobut our past history. And that we need to part ways right now. And that this is different than the past times.
But emotionally I am a roller coaster all by myself.
This morning he called and apologized for getting angry. He said that he felt I was in such a huge hurry to get his things out and it hurt his feelings. He wants to know if I still love him. Oh, this is so hard. My mind is a muddle now. I hate it when he gets angry and yells and cusses at me. I hate that. It throws me into a tizzy.
So, Shutterbug, I am going to talk to him aobut our past history. And that we need to part ways right now. And that this is different than the past times.
Finding Strength
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Boston , MA
Posts: 91
My A moved out 4 months ago and his stuff is still here!!!!!!! I have told him soooooo many times that trash day is Wednesday and if he doesnt come to get his things I am going to throw everything out. I finally made the decision to keep his photos of his children and family in a box in the basement and the rest is going to charity this week. I dont know where he is so I cant even change his mailing address, he wont give me an address when he calls, all of his mail still comes here. Which REALLY pisses me off!!
I need to move on and having his things here is slowing my recovery down.
Good Luck Big Hugs
Michelle
I need to move on and having his things here is slowing my recovery down.
Good Luck Big Hugs
Michelle
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Tiny,
How did your talk go???
If you changed your mind and let him come back. That's okay ya know. We just want to know how things are going. Only only keep up with a certian number of threads, so if you have posted somewhere else and I just don't know, then I'm sorry. I was just wondering how you were doing and how everything is going.
Hugs
,
Jenna
How did your talk go???
If you changed your mind and let him come back. That's okay ya know. We just want to know how things are going. Only only keep up with a certian number of threads, so if you have posted somewhere else and I just don't know, then I'm sorry. I was just wondering how you were doing and how everything is going.
Hugs
,Jenna
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
