LemonGirl

it is really nice that I can still talk with my abf, who is working on sobriety... i think... and that we can have adult conversations with each other about all of it.
But it is so darn difficult to have to explain why I am slow to trust his words. I don't see him going to AA, and he had two bumps recently that got me thinking about whether or not he is serious about recovery.
I told him my concerns... just that, I had expected that he was going to continue with AA, and when I don't see him doing that, and he has two "oopsies" recently, it makes me want to take a step back.
Now, I KNOW I am not wrong here. And he "sorta" sees what I am saying. And I assured him that I'm not trying to be the darn sobriety police and force him to do anything about it; that it is his job and his business... But he asked what was bothering me, and I honestly answered.

How can any of us help needing time to pass so that we can begin to open and up and fully trust our partners again...?

Sobriety in a relationship seems like a very thin lined dance. This is the first time things have been "difficult" for him and I through this whole process. I totally get that he cannot fathom what it has been like for me, and I'm certainly not pulling the whole victim bs here.

I truly feel that as long as I am working my program AND he is working his, that we actually have a chance. Am I wrong in believing that him NOT going to AA since he has been home from deployment is a "bad sign" and is directly associated with his recent fall off the wagon? It really is none of my business how he chooses to conduct his needs. But in his mind this was last week, and here I am still affected by it, feeling like I need to do something or else I may end up with a broken heart again. Codependency sucks!!!!!

You go along just fine... until one day, one thing happens, and then suddenly, you don't.

I feel so uneasy.

LexieCat

I think you have reason to feel uneasy. I don't know that his going to AA every day would be cause for you to feel any LESS uneasy. I know people who went to multiple meetings a day and still kept slip-sliding along. It's the recent "bumps" (if you want to call them that--I just think of them as a return to drinking after a short dry spell) that are the major concern.

I know how badly you want for this to work out. I can't say he WON'T eventually get it, but from what you've posted I never had the sense that he considered sobriety a priority. THAT's what *I* would be concerned about.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like your gut is telling you something.

I don't know what you mean by "oopsies" but I'm assuming that's
a sugar-coated gloss for relapses?

I think, as a former drinker myself, that when you are truly in recovery
it is obvious. That uneasy feeling suggests to me he isn't.

Sorry LG--hope I'm wrong but be careful

gonzo51511

Will my gf ever forgive me? Im an recovering alcoholic 100% focused on my recovery but recently broke up with my gf.. i love her so much but i know she wants space.. just curious on some of your opinions. Thx

LemonGirl

Well THAT I can tell you that putting your sobriety first will be the best chance you have at repairing the relationship!

But you won't know until she has had some time under her belt to really figure out what she wants to do. In the meantime, do you!

gonzo51511

Yes.. i know from the bottom of my heart that i want recovery..drinking has destroyed my life and anything good in it..i go to AA daily...several meetings a day..i work the steps with my sponsor (i dont want to be a dry drunk) and when the crap hit the fan with my gf (i was only sober couple weeks...it was the beginning of my sobriety) she actually said all i care about is meetings!! Im so confused.. for me to recover i need meetings.. me thinking i can stop on my own is why things got so bad to begin with...but i love her with every once of my heart

LemonGirl

no no... there were 2 times that he relapsed (that I know about).

He has come home from deployment and is up and running with EVERY other part of his life... EXCEPT for AA or some other meaningful program. I've been around SR long enough to know that 105 days sober is a drop in the bucket and means nothing in the long haul.

And during those days, unprompted by me, he had all sorts of good wisdom and great actions that were real.

And now, *I * feel that he has dropped the ball. When I expressed my feelings today he said something along the lines of '.... not everything has to be about alcohol....' to which I agreed, but I also said that it is a big deal.

I really don't think that someone who is truly ready to recover would say that.

What I can't figure out, as a codependent, is whether or not I am just letting my thoughts get away with me, or if it truly is my gut talking to me. Is it my fear, or is it my instinct?

I just don't know... I heard once from someone in the field of recovering from codependency that *we* should trust our gut, EVERY time... even if we fear it is wrong, because he wants us to learn how to feel that feeling again.

Also, I do love this man dearly... and in no way has he ever been abusive, so we don't have much to really work out. He did do some stupid things, of course, but we don't ever hurt each other with mean words, or do hurtful things to each other, so the relationship itself isn't suffering other than the trust issue. Which, of course, is huge. meh..

gonzo51511

And i know time is what is needed but im confused about the contact thing..i dont even bother apologizing anymore or telling her my plans.. im waiting to reach amends step to truly tell her... but i dont know if i should stop contacting her completely? Not answer her texts ? So confused :/

LemonGirl

If she asked you to stop contacting her, then I wouldn't contact her. Sorry you're confused. Just stick to your program and I am sure life will work out for you =)

HHTexas

I've learned (am learning?) to always trust my gut. When something doesn't feel right, in my experience, I've been right 97% of the time. Proceed with 2 eyes wide open. Very wide. And keep doing your thang. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are taking good steps.

jjj111

One thing you might want to consider is the possibility that you don't really know how sober he was during his deployment. I say this because my relationship with my last AXBF was long distance part of the time, and I eventually had to accept that he wasn't being honest with me about everything he was up to while he was far away. Didn't your ABF get disciplined for drinking at some point during his deployment? There's nothing wrong with taking your time on this. More will be revealed.

gonzo51511

She never asked me to not contact her..thats why i get confused.. i dont want her to think i dont care about her

gonzo51511

And please forgive my ignorance. .it is genuine and ive never been thru this so all advise helps.. is the general idea that once the relationship gets to a point theres no recovering? Like will she always just be preparing for me to mess up? Is the relationship even worth trying to get back someday? Is there any happy stories anyone has?

maia1234

Gonzo, she knows you care. She is tired of the crxp you have caused in her life. You are working your program which should give you no time to worry about her. The best and the only thing you need to be doing is working on you.

Hopefully she is going to alanon meeting or getting some therapy. She has been dating an addict and has some major trust issues I'm sure. The absolute best thing you can do for her is to grow up, sober up and work a program.

Hugs my friend and it will all fall in to place the way it's suppose to!!

LemonGirl

No one can really answer these questions for you... just give her time. you might want to pose this question on the other side of the forum; they will most likely support the idea that you should just stick to your program and things will work itself out for the best.

gonzo51511

Ok.. thank you...

LemonGirl

Yes, he was. He was on restriction. He did, however, receive his 90 day chip from his AA group there, and he was open and honest about the whole thing on FB, with his family, his friends, and even his daughter's mother.... most of his actions and behaviors during that time "felt" right and were very clear to see that he was actually working on things.

BUT, I do have to consider this possibility.

I am finding that he doesn't really want to deal with *me* and all that I am feeling about this stuff. I don't bring it up often; but two relapses kind of puts things back on the table, right?

Last week when he admitted to a second relapse, he first asked if he should leave. I told him, no... He stayed and we talked about it the next day. He held me for a bit, and then (because we had plans) said he had to run home to shower and change. Well..... HOURS later, we finally reconvened, even though that wasn't the plan. I literally sat around waiting for him. It turned into some awkward miscommunication fiasco (that we resolved just fine), but it did feel that it was a move he made in order to evade what he had just done.

I guess I am answering my own questions here, aren't I?
Him not dealing with things..... still alcoholic behavior.

ho flippin hum....

He was also going to call me back after his haircut today. And THAT was hours ago..... nothing makes me more irritated than to be brushed off.

Hawkeye13

actions sure do speak louder than words,
though it is so hard to "hear" what we don't want to see, isn't it?

hugs LemonGirl

LemonGirl

Yes it is Hawkeye!

I love this quote... or idea anyway...

It says, I don't trust other's words. I don't even trust actions. But I do trust patterns.

That train of thought is what I am going to go with here because it means what was suggested to me above: to keep my eyes wide open and more will be revealed.

Time is the key ;-)
We all know that alcoholics can't hide their drinking forever.

jjj111

LG, your story about his coming clean on FB made me think of my sister's baby daddy. He will periodically post things about how he has turned a corner and is rededicating himself to his sobriety. I guess to the casual eye it might seem like he's being very honest about when he has had a relapse and is trying to bounce back. But my sister in the past year has had it revealed to her that he is also hiding things from her--he got a DUI, his new g/f calls her to tell her that he is drinking hard liquor every night, he suddenly has a court date because he has been failing the breathalyzer installed in his car. So FWIW, in his case crowing on FB about how he's turned a corner in his sobriety seems to be the same old talk.

More WILL be revealed to you. But it's also probably worth keeping track of what has already been revealed. Your ABF's disciplinary incident while he was gone, his series of oopsies since he got home, the fact that he isn't keeping any kind of program, and his disappearing act all sound like red flags to me. I guess the question is how many red flags you're willing to tolerate? I'm not saying this to be harsh. I just remember well how with my AXBF I had a kind of short memory about his misdeeds. I finally had to make a list before I could see how they had piled up!