Relationships, recovery, and trust
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by jjj111 
LG, your story about his coming clean on FB made me think of my sister's baby daddy. He will periodically post things about how he has turned a corner and is rededicating himself to his sobriety. I guess to the casual eye it might seem like he's being very honest about when he has had a relapse and is trying to bounce back. But my sister in the past year has had it revealed to her that he is also hiding things from her--he got a DUI, his new g/f calls her to tell her that he is drinking hard liquor every night, he suddenly has a court date because he has been failing the breathalyzer installed in his car. So FWIW, in his case crowing on FB about how he's turned a corner in his sobriety seems to be the same old talk.
More WILL be revealed to you. But it's also probably worth keeping track of what has already been revealed. Your ABF's disciplinary incident while he was gone, his series of oopsies since he got home, the fact that he isn't keeping any kind of program, and his disappearing act all sound like red flags to me. I guess the question is how many red flags you're willing to tolerate? I'm not saying this to be harsh. I just remember well how with my AXBF I had a kind of short memory about his misdeeds. I finally had to make a list before I could see how they had piled up!
More WILL be revealed to you. But it's also probably worth keeping track of what has already been revealed. Your ABF's disciplinary incident while he was gone, his series of oopsies since he got home, the fact that he isn't keeping any kind of program, and his disappearing act all sound like red flags to me. I guess the question is how many red flags you're willing to tolerate? I'm not saying this to be harsh. I just remember well how with my AXBF I had a kind of short memory about his misdeeds. I finally had to make a list before I could see how they had piled up!
These are all red flags. Which is why I posted. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I was thinking correctly about it.
I should also say that I am a very different person at this point in my life. I knew that going through recovery as a couple would be difficult, but I really feel that my tolerance level has dropped. I don't really fancy the idea of being lied to... even if that is the worst of what comes from his drinking, it is unacceptable for me to want to spend my life with someone who does this. I deserve honesty.
I also allow myself to have needs and can now express those needs to a partner. I am no longer keeping inside what bothers me.... though I am still shaky when it comes to how to express those needs. I still struggle with NOT apologizing for how I feel, or feeling the need to burst into tears when I express myself. It's an issue, and I am working on it! I am also still very busy taking care of myself and my daughters and putting our interests above those of others; I am now a priority for myself. I rest when I need to. I eat right and exercise. I stay away from alcohol to destress. I am more open with co-workers, friends, and family, and I no longer feel so much shame.
Actually, what I think bugs me about all of this is how much he is underestimating exactly what is about to happen if I figure out another slip up and he STILL hasn't gotten back into his program.
You just wanna smack em sometimes and say "wake up!".... But alas, it is like the sleep of death in a personal hell that no-one but you has the key to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
LG-
In your first post you mentioned that you were wondering how long it takes to build trust, especially around words.
Then you proceeded to mention two significant occasions in the last week where his words did not match his behavior. It does not sound like the directly involved drinking, but they were words vs actions.
I would desperately want to believe his words (I always have), and I am sure he is giving you his "best" truth right now.
The question you have is if that is enough for you right now?
In your first post you mentioned that you were wondering how long it takes to build trust, especially around words.
Then you proceeded to mention two significant occasions in the last week where his words did not match his behavior. It does not sound like the directly involved drinking, but they were words vs actions.
I would desperately want to believe his words (I always have), and I am sure he is giving you his "best" truth right now.
The question you have is if that is enough for you right now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
LG-
In your first post you mentioned that you were wondering how long it takes to build trust, especially around words.
Then you proceeded to mention two significant occasions in the last week where his words did not match his behavior. It does not sound like the directly involved drinking, but they were words vs actions.
I would desperately want to believe his words (I always have), and I am sure he is giving you his "best" truth right now.
The question you have is if that is enough for you right now?
In your first post you mentioned that you were wondering how long it takes to build trust, especially around words.
Then you proceeded to mention two significant occasions in the last week where his words did not match his behavior. It does not sound like the directly involved drinking, but they were words vs actions.
I would desperately want to believe his words (I always have), and I am sure he is giving you his "best" truth right now.
The question you have is if that is enough for you right now?
I can still walk away at this point and face these fears:
1. I love him and don't want to "lose" him.
2. I am still going to have to find a full time job and change my life in order to move out of my mother's house when our lease is up next August.
3. I am going to have to grieve.
What would have been number 4, and one I am no longer afraid of is:
I am afraid what others will say or think if I have yet another break up and am honest about what is going on. I am glad to say that that doesn't scare me anymore.
thank you for your response. I can see that it is my own level of tolerance and how long I am willing to deal with this that is the real issue.
In fact, having posted and mulled over everyone's suggestions, I think it is safe to say that I am also not afraid of whether or not I am hurting him by expressing my emotions and needs over his behavior. I feel I am justified and that this is necessary for me to be able to move forward in a relationship with someone who is an addict....
A part of me even wonders if I really want to deal with possible relapses down the road. I'm really just fed up with all the alcoholism and bs I have dealt with my entire life because of things like this.
Anyway.... Really, isn't it up to him what he is going to do? My job is to take care of me. And in doing so, I am allowed to feel and express my concerns and needs. It is only awkward to do so with a partner who isn't willing or ready to do so themselves. Still, I do and will have some patience over this, because if he does in fact get back on track, then I think it is totally acceptable to know that the relationship takes a back seat to recovery. THAT I am okay with.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
LG-
I think that almost is tricky, and at time can be a masquerade for "accepting" unacceptable behavior....which many of us that love problem drinkers are familiar with and then I know I at least spent a lot of time justifying it all to myself.
I think having expectations of what you want in a relationship is fine, but it is not always reasonable to have those expectations of an individual in early recovery.
He is showing you what he has to offer, is it enough? That is for you to decide, and really about you LG. For me that was some of the most challenging learning I needed to have around recovery.
I think that almost is tricky, and at time can be a masquerade for "accepting" unacceptable behavior....which many of us that love problem drinkers are familiar with and then I know I at least spent a lot of time justifying it all to myself.
I think having expectations of what you want in a relationship is fine, but it is not always reasonable to have those expectations of an individual in early recovery.
He is showing you what he has to offer, is it enough? That is for you to decide, and really about you LG. For me that was some of the most challenging learning I needed to have around recovery.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
