HHTexas

It really boils down to this for me. I still love AH on some level. But I'm sooo incredibly tired of the turmoil, mood swings and irritability (and that's when he's sober!). But ack I hate being single. Love being married and having that identity, (perceived) stability. Heck, help with corralling a toddler boy! Going to see a counselor again Wednesday. Bought the book Why Does He Do That?. Mulling the attorney consult as he picked up the bottle again while I was out of town this week. Sorry feel like I'm rambling. Would like to ask him to leave our house instead of moving out as I think it would be best for our child to have as much stability/continuity as possible if we split. Would love a dose of the wisdom you all so freely give ❤️

manicpanic15

I"m not sure what your history is with him so I hesitate to give out any advice. How long has he been drinking? Have you set boundaries before or let him know you've been considering divorce? How much documentation do you have for the attorney so you can be fierce with visitation?

I completely agree that you and your son need to stay in that home if possible.

Single life really is not that bad - it is definitely more difficult with a child in some aspects, but the peace you get from not living in that turmoil more than makes up for it. I was a single mom for quite some time and in all honestly I adored that precious mother/son time we had. We truly bonded - I think that is so much harder to do when you are dealing with another person that demands attention and brings crazy amounts of stress.

HHTexas

Sorry.. Should have mentioned- together 13 years, married 8 years, 8 (9?) treatment trips (they all run together in my mind). He's currently trying to do it on his own with meds... Pattern of binge drinking every 3 or so months. Our little one is 2. I've never left for more than a couple days.

AnvilheadII

so then you really don't know what single NOW looks like for you. your "normal" has been the past 13 years, filled with HIS struggles/efforts to "try" and get sober., the numerous attempts at rehab, the glimmers of HOPE and the crash when it all falls apart. that's like trying to catch a nap in the middle of O'Hare airport......constant movement and chaos all around you. it's what you know.

and the absence of all that, the pure SILENCE, can be deafening. all that empty space that his circus used to fill. you don't know what life is like without monkeys and clowns. and you don't know what your JOB will be when you no longer have HIS BS to pick up after.

maybe look into why you so identify with the title of MARRIED....what does that MEAN to you? and where did that message come from? i do get it...i'm 55, hank and i have been together 13 years, own a home together, and to others i refer to him as my husband because it sounds stupid to have a boyfriend at my age. but we are not married and that is not the plan. but i am not embarrassed that we are NOT married.....

a couple weeks ago he was out of town for work for a few days and dang.....i'll say it, it was SO nice. first the house was QUIET.....hank IS the hurricane. and i got to eat what "I" wanted for dinner....first night was potstickers, lots of them, just gorged. next night was.....dun da dun.....stouffer's mac n cheese and i damn near crawled IN the container! LOL i had the bed to myself, well whatever parts the dogs did not possess, if i had the tv on a certain channel, and left the room...when i came back the tv was on the SAME CHANNEL. heck i didn't even have the tv most of the time.

i queued up the Justin Timberlake-Michael Jackson video Love Never Felt So Good on the laptop and cranked it and played it multiple times. i hooted and yelled and whooped. and when hank pulled into the drive EARLY i was kinda disappointed.....not that he had come HOME, just that i lost about 3 more hours of ME time.

what i know is that you WILL be ok......and that single isn't a death sentence.

LexieCat

In my experience, NOTHING is as lonely as being in a marriage to an active alcoholic. I happen to love being single--I can't even imagine, now, ever giving it up. I'll never say never, but there is a lot to be said for not having to constantly accommodate another adult's needs.

HHTexas

So I tried to have a conversation tonight (mistake #1), told him he needs to go, he of course refused and said he gets the house and little one. Told him I had consulted an attorney and that was not going to be the case (a,erm, slight stretch of the truth). He then became livid and marched off. Later came back and said there was no turning back since I said the attorney thing. I broke down and said it was online. Bleh. I started crying (mistake #2). "Is this what you really want??" My thoughts are of course it's not!! Ugh. Feeling really despondent. Trying to just stay focused on my son, my world. Thanks for the suggestions so far. Lots to think about.

maia1234

HH- Your word means nothing if you don't follow through with what you say. He doesn't believe you as you don't believe him. You guys are playing games with each other. You obviously are not ready to do what you want to do.

So what do you need to do. Keep reading, educating yourself about this disease. Hit some alanon meetings. Don't engage when he is drinking. Work on yourself and do what you need to do. Don't force a solution that you are not able execute it. Hugs my friend. Dont put any pressure on yourself.

Refiner

You'll get there HH. When the pain and sick-and-tiredness of staying gets worse than the pain of staying together. It took awhile for me in my first marriage too. And I felt that same "single" or even worse... "divorcée" stigma would be upon me. But when the staying got harder than the splitting, I remember the feeling of being FREE from the turmoil. And that was the BEST feeling in the world and that's when I realized it was the right thing to do. Yes, there were plenty of sad, lonely, questioning times after that. But I just grew and learned and became a stronger and happier person along the way no longer being in a "fake" role or allowing another to be my identity.

hexx

Sounds so painfully familiar. I never wanted to be a single parent, but here I am making it work the best I can. One thing I discovered, outside of having someone to take my DD to school and pick her up afterwards is that nothing has changed in the parenting aspect. I am still doing everything that I was doing while he was living here.

For me, the pain of staying was worse than the pain of being without him. I have not been single since I was 18 (Im 38 now). Right now I am just enjoying having a clean house, no fighting, not coming home to a house that smells like a dive bar, etc. DO I miss having someone to curl up with at night, to tell my crazy day about, to call and ask "do we need milk?" Of course I do. But I missed those things when he was still living here, too so again, it is really no different.

Why Does He Do That is a GREAT book. It has really helped me through this.

Something else that helped me as well was to make a list of all of the pros and cons of being together/apart. It can really help put things in perspective.

Hugs to you--stay strong.

FeelingGreat

HH, a rule you can follow and control is no serious talking if he's under the influence, even one drink. You'll resolve nothing.
What other friends, family or social network do you have in place? You might end up being the only adult in your house, but that doesn't mean you'd necessarily be isolated, and you'd go from having 2 children to look after to one. Your toddler actually has an excuse for immature behaviour.
If you're not ready to move yet, use your time to investigate your legal rights and financial position. Maybe start a 'leaving fund', talk to a lawyer, find out how much rents cost, or whether you can get an order to stay in the house. At least you are taking some power into your own hands, and you don't have to move on it until you're ready.

TidyTeal

With my 1st husband some of the deciding factors for me were,

-I already have two kids, I can't afford a third.
-Even murderers get paroled

Little drastic, but that's actually what it boiled down to ,to me to make my decision to leave. My situation was there was physical abuse, the kids were getting to an age that they'd see & remember it and really......criminals get paroled, why was I staying in my own prison if I didn't have too?

I didn't know to make an exit plan, didn't know I deserved a normal life, and didn't know a LOT, but what I did know is I didn't want our children to see EITHER of us like THIS. Me wishy washy, or him drunk. ( I was 21)

I was single for 10 yrs before I remarried the same type of guy....widowed now, but am having the same issues as you. I like being married, or with a significant other and dislike being alone. Still trying to figure out where that's coming from since I was ok during those 10 single-Mom years?

Now it's like I'm back to square one, altho it's been 3 yrs since my second husband died. I have to relearn being alone and I suck at it. If I had small ones to take care of it'd be easier, cause it takes the focus off of me, but the "why" would still be there.

Can say that altho the kids were mad as they got older they didn't have a Dad, he didn't want contact, they are ok now and have reconnected with him on their own terms which I'm fine with. My daughter has admitted what I did was the right thing at the time....( that took 40 yrs) I used to tell them I was the adult, it was my marriage and as children they don't get to dictate my personal life. They started that stuff in their teens, so not age inappropriate discussion.

I'm glad I left, as two kids & work was a handful. His stuff would have been just too much. Heck at times "our" stuff was a serious juggling act! I'm loving that people are telling you to make up your own mind and do what you need to do. Back when I was young it was just "you have to leave" and I didn't get any time to mourn us, or even really have the option of how much longer am I willing to stay?
The Police who were inevitably called TOLD me leaving was my only option, my family as well once they were informed what was going on, and my friends. On TV that was the message too. Different era & all.....

LexieCat

Yes, consult an attorney (for real). It obligates you to NOTHING, but actually knowing how you might make out (something you really can't find out online) can help you make some decisions to prepare for whatever may come. A couple of things you should do are to start documenting his behavior and to make sure you are aware of your finances and that you have access to funds you might need.

FG is right, don't try to talk while he's under the influence. I'd also hold off on any further talk about divorce or separation until you are prepared.

HHTexas

Such solid feedback. Thank you all. Wish I could have you all over for dinner

LemonGirl

I share a similar fear. Not really of being alone or single. I like the idea of having a life partner like anyone else, though.
What it boils down to for me is actually being able to pay for bills and rent on my own. I have two daughters, 8 and almost 13. I work part time. My one daughter can be a latch key kid, but the other would require childcare still if I were to work full time. And the offset of what I would make working fulltime versus what I would have to pay in childcare, not to mention being away from the house longer which would mean less time with my kids doing homework, extra curricular activities, and time to cook a real meal....
I currently live with my alcoholic mother. I am stuck in a lease with her until the end of August next year. Not too bad of a deal.... but her drinking IS getting worse, and I am well aware that it could progress immensely in that short period of time. Then there is my abf, who recently relapsed after 105 days sober. Twice in one week. I told him that I will NOT be moving in with him unless he has a solid year sober first, and that I need some sort of financial cushion to fall back on should he ever relapse once we were living together. We agreed to keep all financial items separate and that I should have a cushion.

But in the meantime, him relapsing reminds me of the reality that I still need to plan as if August is coming next year and I may NOT be moving in with him. And where the heck am I going to go as a part time worker with two children??? I live in an expensive town, and honestly, I'll barely be able to afford a studio apartment for myself and my two daughters. And THAT scares me! What kind of life am I going to be able to provide for my girls once I am finally away from all of these alcoholics in my life (which is A LOT OF THEM). I won't be able to provide much at all.... And I do not know how to change that.

So..... for me, getting to the bottom of that fear has to do with money. Ugh

unsureoffuture

Lemongirl,

Explore your options. Do you qualify for any childcare assistance that may be offered by your state or county? If so check it out. Could you find a sober friend/roommate to share expenses? Are you able to find a better job that pays more and offers full-time benefits? Your kids will adapt to whatever you choose and the more you can do for yourself financially, the better you will be.

I am a full-time working mom with kids in extracurricular activities. I still cook homecooked meals. I use the crockpot some, plan ahead, do the prep-work in the morning and have the kids help cook in the evenings while doing homework. Mine are 10 and 6. I live in an expensive town too. We have a peaceful house. We laugh a lot, play games, enjoy each others company and my kids are very happy. The serenity we now have much outweighs the chaos we used to have.

HHTexas

Unsure, what made you take the leap??? I feel like I'm standing at the edge looking over. Saw AH sitting alone yesterday on the patio looking very despondent. Made my heart hurt. I've mostly been angry and distant here recently 😒

healthyagain

Here is the logic I followed when I was leaving.

My life became unbearable. Constant fights, put downs. Detachment made things worse. He was literally bending out of shape when mad. And this was every day. I was accused of cheating. He showed a really really ugly face.

So, I started the process of leaving. It was not secret. He saw I separated our clothes, that I got a new phone number, a new bank account in my name only. What did he do? Nothing. Kept on drinking. So, I told him after numerous arguments, "hey, this apparently does not work. I talked to so and so, and will be moving out sometime in July/August, if you do not mind. Then you can have the space you always complain about, and I will have time to think about where my life is now." I told him this on Friday. Well, that weekend was the worse weekend ever. He was yelling and yelling, and the hate was just coming out of him. He was daring me to hit him. I did not. I just glued my butt to a chair, clenched my teeth, and waited till he went to another room. He fell asleep. I thought the Monday will never come. That night, I spent on this forum. Some good ladies told me to call the DV hotline. I did. I was ready to leave in the middle of the night.

Then I really started working on leaving. Today, I am waiting for my divorce decree in the mail.

The fear of being alone you say? Living with an active alcoholic is a text book definition of loneliness. You have a so-called husband, but you do not have him when you need him. You cannot rely on him. You cannot ask him things, you cannot talk about serious life/marriage issues because the time is never right. You forget who you were once. All your family is gone, all your friends are far away and you lost contact over the years.

Yes, I see how finances may worry you. How "downgrading" in some areas of life might worry you. But just like with anything else, take one step at a time. My first step was opening my own bank account, exactly a year ago. Today, I live alone with a herding dog and a pair of birds in a tiny little place, and am lonely, but am lonely because I for real live alone. Not because I am ignored. There is a big difference. And I get sad, and grieve. But it is still way better than living with a beast.

And, in theory, you are never alone. There is always your HP to guide you.

HHTexas

Hugs. Thank you ❤️ Made my attorney consult for next Tuesday (earliest appt) and therapist tomorrow. Our "marital" acct is in my name only- he never cared to add his. Also have another old acct I rarely use. Baby steps. Getting there!

Liveitwell

Unsure-thank you for posting!!! I too share your sentiments-it is a challenge but definitely doable to still have home cooked meals, share laughs with the kids, play games and absolutely be free of the chaos and fear alcoholism brings into the home. Happy to be free of that in my house! And you are exactly right-I was more lonely in my marriage than I have been since he's been gone-for the exact reasons you posted. He turned into a beast. And I was done-more than done. I'm happy to be free-Thanks be to God!

redatlanta

Saw AH sitting alone yesterday on the patio looking very despondent. Made my heart hurt.

Do you think his heart hurts when you look despondent which is probably a lot of the time? Do you think his heart hurts when he picks the bottle up again, and again and again? Do you think his heart hurts the multiple times you have caught him on dating websites since 2007 and hotel reservations for stays that you weren't included? How about when he yells at your animals do you think he looks at you and his heart hurts because it upsets you?

This is why you are still with this man. Its because your heart hurts, and no matter what he does you absorb his faults and disgusting behavior internalized into feeling sorry for him when you should feel sorry for YOU and your CHILD. I'll repeat something that was written to you many, many years ago by a member here I admire....

dear, you may be his best friend, but, he is not your best friend.

Do you not see that you are already alone in this marriage?

Al Anon would help you tremendously.