Need advise as to how best to handle this with a friend
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Ok so I've known this friend for many years prob about 20 years. We lost touch mostly due to me and my insecurities of feeling people didn't want to be friends with me so I shut people out. Anyway we have met up a few times over the years but more so recently and it's been nice spending time with her. I've apologised to her for losing touch with her. Recently I've been suggesting we meet up for coffee and either she doesn't reply or says she will let me know but doesn't. I know she's busy she has 3 young children. And is currently off work sick with anxiety. I've. Said about calling up to her, she previously said I could call. Told her I'm here for her.
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
I don't know the best way to handle this. My insecurities are in over drive what have I done does she not want to continue our friendship but doesn't want to say what is wrong with me that people don't want to stick around!! Also she knows my old friend we all worked together and I'm worried she's bumped into him and he told her what a nut job I am even tho I told her about it but she's thinking stay away from her!!!
My initial reaction is to ask if I've done something wrong and explain how I'm feeling but I recognise this is me trying to control things. I just don't know how to handle this???
So, what have you really got to lose by just growing some guts and speaking to her openly and honestly? What have you got to lose? It sounds like you are giving up before anything has even happened.
See--this is where most relationships fail: communication breaks down and pretty soon you have each party GUESSING or trying to guess what the other party is thinking/feeling; what their motives are, etc.
Take the guesswork out of it. Relax. I sense that you are indeed fearful and insecure.
Look at it this way: No matter what the outcome is....it's good practice for you in communication skills. You may not get another chance to practice this, so take advantage of it.
Best of Luck.
Let us know how it goes...
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you Emily and teetreeoil.
I did say to her that I understood what she was going through and I was there if she needed me. I send her a wee text every now and then just to ask how she is, she replies but if I ask anything further she doesn't reply.
Communication is something I need to work on as I do tell some people how I feel but I don't do this well and it comes across as being really really needy, insecure and obsessive and I still listen to others words rather than their actions to see if what they say they will follow through on and show it in their actions.
It's like you said this but your actions don't match but I still think of what they said, if that makes sense?
I did say to her that I understood what she was going through and I was there if she needed me. I send her a wee text every now and then just to ask how she is, she replies but if I ask anything further she doesn't reply.
Communication is something I need to work on as I do tell some people how I feel but I don't do this well and it comes across as being really really needy, insecure and obsessive and I still listen to others words rather than their actions to see if what they say they will follow through on and show it in their actions.
It's like you said this but your actions don't match but I still think of what they said, if that makes sense?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Originally Posted by Butterfly
Thank you Emily and teetreeoil.
I did say to her that I understood what she was going through and I was there if she needed me. I send her a wee text every now and then just to ask how she is, she replies but if I ask anything further she doesn't reply.
Communication is something I need to work on as I do tell some people how I feel but I don't do this well and it comes across as being really really needy, insecure and obsessive and I still listen to others words rather than their actions to see if what they say they will follow through on and show it in their actions.
It's like you said this but your actions don't match but I still think of what they said, if that makes sense?
I did say to her that I understood what she was going through and I was there if she needed me. I send her a wee text every now and then just to ask how she is, she replies but if I ask anything further she doesn't reply.
Communication is something I need to work on as I do tell some people how I feel but I don't do this well and it comes across as being really really needy, insecure and obsessive and I still listen to others words rather than their actions to see if what they say they will follow through on and show it in their actions.
It's like you said this but your actions don't match but I still think of what they said, if that makes sense?
It sounds like to me you have made sufficient efforts to keep communication open and going with your friend.
Yes, sometimes people say things and don't follow through on them with their actions. That can rather discouraging and can leave you with a feeling of "why bother." They say actions speak louder than words and sometimes that is true...but really consider the source, the circumstances which neither of you have real control over and how things may appear from the other person's viewpoint.
Your friend could be under more stress and more pressure than she has let on to you. I had a friend who I discovered the hard way was a fair weather friend and only wanted to share in the good parts. But I really needed someone to help divide my sorrow....as I was going through a lot of it. He just wasn't there for me and in fact cut me off at one point in time. Since then I have not felt totally free to share some of my true struggles from deep inside my heart.
Now he's gone. Not my choice; his. I won't see him again. He never said good-bye. So, how am I supposed to take that?
I wish you the best as you work on open communication.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
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I would agree with Lexie on this one. While communication is all well and good, seeking reassurance is indeed putting a burden on the other person to make you feel better. You also put her in an uncomfortable spot, asking her for an explanation she might not want to give, which could lead to some resentment on her part. I could see that going badly. You could put pressure on an already strained relationship.
That said, I struggle with this too. I constantly want reassurance. I always tried to get it from my soon to be ex. In that relationship though, he was always so emotionally distant even when things were good, and he usually was mad at me. But that's a different situation. You have become aware of this tendency in yourself. Al anon says its awareness, acceptance, action. So maybe just work on accepting these insecurities and then you can work on the action part? That's what I am trying to do for myself. Just some thoughts. You have to do what you think is best for you.
That said, I struggle with this too. I constantly want reassurance. I always tried to get it from my soon to be ex. In that relationship though, he was always so emotionally distant even when things were good, and he usually was mad at me. But that's a different situation. You have become aware of this tendency in yourself. Al anon says its awareness, acceptance, action. So maybe just work on accepting these insecurities and then you can work on the action part? That's what I am trying to do for myself. Just some thoughts. You have to do what you think is best for you.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks teetreeoil and carrythatweight, I am becoming more aware of my behaviours and trying to work very hard on them. I am beginning to realise that needing constant reassurance adds pressure to any relationship and probably why friends have walked away.
Carrythatweight, I was the same with stbxah, constantly needing reassurance from him that he wasn't going to leave, that he loved me and wanted me, he left many times. I am more aware now guess I just got to work on the acceptance part.
Teetreeoil, I am ashamed of my neediness and don't want o lose anyone else because of it. I know she was going through a hard time and me asking to meet up may have increased her anxiety, so I stopped and as I said told her I was here for her and text just to ask how she is. When I say if I ask her anything else she doesn't reply it's not me seeking reassurance or anything just how her new counsellor is going. I don't keep asking.
I'm sorry about your friend but his behaviour and how he has treated you says more about him than it does about you. You needed your friend to support you and be with you through the good and bad, he couldn't follow through, his issue not yours. ((((Hugs)))).
Carrythatweight, I was the same with stbxah, constantly needing reassurance from him that he wasn't going to leave, that he loved me and wanted me, he left many times. I am more aware now guess I just got to work on the acceptance part.
Teetreeoil, I am ashamed of my neediness and don't want o lose anyone else because of it. I know she was going through a hard time and me asking to meet up may have increased her anxiety, so I stopped and as I said told her I was here for her and text just to ask how she is. When I say if I ask her anything else she doesn't reply it's not me seeking reassurance or anything just how her new counsellor is going. I don't keep asking.
I'm sorry about your friend but his behaviour and how he has treated you says more about him than it does about you. You needed your friend to support you and be with you through the good and bad, he couldn't follow through, his issue not yours. ((((Hugs)))).
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by Butterfly
Thanks teetreeoil and carrythatweight, I am becoming more aware of my behaviours and trying to work very hard on them. I am beginning to realise that needing constant reassurance adds pressure to any relationship and probably why friends have walked away.
Teetreeoil, I am ashamed of my neediness and don't want o lose anyone else because of it. I know she was going through a hard time and me asking to meet up may have increased her anxiety, so I stopped and as I said told her I was here for her and text just to ask how she is. When I say if I ask her anything else she doesn't reply it's not me seeking reassurance or anything just how her new counsellor is going. I don't keep asking.
I'm sorry about your friend but his behaviour and how he has treated you says more about him than it does about you. You needed your friend to support you and be with you through the good and bad, he couldn't follow through, his issue not yours. ((((Hugs)))).
Teetreeoil, I am ashamed of my neediness and don't want o lose anyone else because of it. I know she was going through a hard time and me asking to meet up may have increased her anxiety, so I stopped and as I said told her I was here for her and text just to ask how she is. When I say if I ask her anything else she doesn't reply it's not me seeking reassurance or anything just how her new counsellor is going. I don't keep asking.
I'm sorry about your friend but his behaviour and how he has treated you says more about him than it does about you. You needed your friend to support you and be with you through the good and bad, he couldn't follow through, his issue not yours. ((((Hugs)))).
You come across as being very considerate of your friend in not wanting to put pressure on, etc. I know that can be an issue for a lot of people(they don't want to feel 'pressured'). I guess one has to respect that request when it has been made, if it has been made. Has your friend ever indicated to you that you are putting too much pressure on her? Just wonderin'...take care...
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
This is really about her being very busy. I suggest letting it go. If she has time or the inclination she can call you. Very good advice on this thread!
Be Well and God Bless
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