alybally

I know this may be a repeat of threads, but I am new to SR. I just ended an off and on 1 year deep love affair with a man who was wonderful until he started to progress in his alcoholism. I had never been exposed to an alcoholic and so I didn't know what I was getting into. The last six months he was in and out of my life more or less, and the last three months especially he really fell apart. He was actively drinking daily to the point that he didn't even go to work and lost both his job and his home. He is an attorney like me although he doesn't practice and worked for a real estate development company. He had become very angry and irrational and I think he was experiencing psychosis. Even fellow acquaintances said the same. He threatened to "destroy" me on one occasion because I wouldn't stay with him and on three others threatened to try and have me fired from my job and disbarred (I follow all rules and am an ethical person -- he just knew that's all he had left to threaten me with).

For most of the past year I was very close to his mom. That is, until a week after saying he wanted to restart our relationship that he has a new girlfriend. He was angry because I wouldn't stay with him and then because I wouldn't drop everything and come help him rebuild his life when he was fired. The new GF works with his mom and get this -- they are both substance abuse counselors. His mom blew her entire retirement (and she's close to retirement) to help him. She's a class A enabler and so afraid he will cut all contact with her if she pushes him. Needless to say at points his mom gave me reason for pause. But as soon as the new GF was mentioned and I stood my ground by telling him to never contact me again, she turned on me. She cut all contact. This is a counselor who told me she had grown to love me as a person and missed me when we didn't talk. Crazy or what?

We were very serious and had talked about him moving in and getting married early on. I then stood by him for a year and rode the rollercoaster. Now the "new GF" (if it's even true) looks like a stripper and has some rough looking photos all over the internet. If she's a counselor one would think she would not be involved with him. Otherwise, she must be SUPER sick like his mama. No? I did blow a fuse when he told me that -- after 6 months or more of hell -- to do that to me was incredulous.

Thoughts? Advice? I'm still kind of traumatized and thinking did I miss a major bullet or what? I guess I will never know what happens to him. He could be dead and I wouldn't even know.

CodeJob

Hello Amharter,

Welcome to SR though you sound pretty worn out after a year with Mr. Wonderful.

You were very smart to back out after just a year. Leave him to his crew of enablers. Momma cut you off after you put down a boundary with her son? Enablers often rally to circle the wagons after someone gets wise and jumps off a Karpmann Drama Triangle.

Enjoy the peace! You missed a major bullet. Deal with the emotional fall out from realizing Mr. Wonderful -was not.

Light76

Ahh this reminds me of my ex fiancé. Have you read anything on emotional abusers if you think this might be a factor? Drinking is no excuse for him acting this way. Im a survivor of an abusive relationship and now very unfortunately an alcoholic as well. However even as an alcoholic I don't toy with my boyfriends emotions, cheat or lie ( but obviously i have other problems I need to get working on though). It's soooo hard from my personal experience to get out of a relationship with someone who is manipulative and devaluing and to top that has an addiction which surely alters moods and testosterone. My ex also pretended to want to see strippers etc which was so bad for my self esteem bc I had a great jo, education, was size zero at 5'9 and blonde oh and 26. I look back at pictures and am like what was I thinking being so controlled by this dude. Those were the days I felt the worst about myself. Hang in there and don't get into drinking with him as his drinking buddy!! One of the worst decisions I've ever made. You deserve the best and no crazy making.

Light76

Also I forgot to add my ex had a very odd relationship w his mother. It added another layer of complication to things. She was very overbearing and he resented her a lot. This all took me years to sort through and it's definitely very complicated. Just never lose the fact that you have options and time will heal!! Your feeling and experience is one that includes loss and grief and that is no fun but will get better and we're here.

Eauchiche

WOW!!!
I too, am glad you called it quits after a year. I am sorry it took a year to find out.
I hope you look into AlAnon. I have been in the program 1-1/2 years, and just NOW am starting to explore family of origin issues and why we are attracted to certain people. I also made the decision to not be involved with anybody for the rest of my life. I know this sounds extreme, but I came to admit that my picking skills leave a lot to be desired.
You must be a very intelligent person to have achieved what you have in life. Put this to work for you with this situation.
Keep coming back!!!

Thomas45

Not in half a year, that's simply not possible. If she blew all her retirement money to help him, the problem has been going on for longer than you are aware.

Having serious talks about marriage at the onset of a relationship, in my mind, is a giant red flashing warning sign. I'd say you came out on the better side of the short list of possibilities.

teatreeoil007

It doesn't sound like you were abandoned really at all.

Be glad this creep is out of your life.

teatreeoil007

Yes, odd relationships with the mother are definitely a red flag!

Lilro

Codejob ^^^^^^ that Mr. Wonderful comment made me spit out my coffee.

Amharter
The answer to your question is YES, you did dodge a bullet. I'm so sorry for what finds you here but welcome to the club. Read around, you will find many interesting and almost identical postings.
Alcoholism is a crazy making disease for not only the alcoholic but the friends and family of. I know it's hurtful but count your lucky stars you found out sooner than later what kind of man/boy you are dealing with. Sounds like career wise you have done an excellent job! Don't let this sidetrack your intelligence. Run as fast as you can away from this train wreck and leave his mother and his " new girl" to deal with him.
Wishing you all the best... We are here for you!
Ro

alybally

You hit the nail on the head with both. Retirement fund...yes, that was when he was living in Florida a few years ago and she attributed it to the recession hitting. Yeah right. As for the marriage talks, I wouldn't say it was like we were planning it or talking about a time certain, just talking about him moving up here eventually to live with me in the house I'm building and do that down the road. But yes, the love talk on the first date did raise some flags even though we had been friends essentially for about five months prior.

alybally

Mine threatens his mother from time to time when he is alcohol crazed and says she is crazy, etc. It's all just abnormal. Now the mom and "new girl" are best buds and posting Facebook pictures, etc. It's totally whacko.

alybally

What do you mean by the first sentence, Tea Tree Oil? Just curious because I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, abused, manipulated, you name it. And not just by the alcoholic, but by his crazy mother as well.

alybally

You are so right. Thank you for such comforting words. When he told me about the supposed new GF (who oddly wasn't around all those nights in a row preceding his declaration of her existence - about 10 or so - when he was calling me in the middle of the night or involuntarily committed and in the hospital etc.), I went ballistic. Because I had been putting up with so much crap and trying to stand by him for a long time, although I never gave him money or did him any favors or lie for him or whatever, I always put my foot down). So when I blew loose, I let his mother know by copying her on my "eat *&&^ and die" email. I also had to send him a cease and desist notice after the work threats. His mother told me that by blowing up I was "jeopardizing his sobriety" mind you he had only been sober for like 5 days.

FeelingGreat

am, your header, 'abandoned by alcoholic' gave me hope before I even read the post. If you'd written 'sticking by alcoholic' I'd have been worried.

I get that you're dealing with his train wreck as well as coping with the loss of your good friend his mother. I'm sure that they both miss you really, but they can't get past the addiction and co-dependence. It's the strongest thing in their lives, and if his new gf does anything to threaten it she'll be out the door as well.

Many A's quickly acquire new GFs after a break with a healthy partner. These new loves are often enablers that take the pressure off the alcoholic and allow them to keep drinking, or they'll join them in addiction.

Although you're hurting and angry, you have enough self-esteem and healthy bedrock to know you can't stick around. In time the hurt will lessen, you'll see it all very clearly and feel sorry for the mess they're in.

teatreeoil007

Sounds pretty whacko alright. Why do you follow them on facebook. I would think you wouldn't want to look at them because they sound pretty sick.

Be Well.

teatreeoil007

This dude sounds like a piece of work who is all over the road map. Good grief.

alybally

You are right, I shouldn't look at the FB crap. It's all smoke and mirrors anyways. I was looking at the supposed GF's profile because I can't for the life of me figure out why he would want someone like that. She is pretty trashy, not his style at all. So, when I looked at her page there was a picture on GF's page posted by crazy mama bear. And it made me feel nauseas. You know, the reality of being totally manipulated sunk in. I'm not following them in FB it all just kind of came about when I was trying to make heads or tails of things because I'm still shocked/floored/horrified.

honeypig

Yup, you're right about this ^^. "Fakebook", right? And him being w/this person has nothing at all to do with love or mutual interests or her being his "type", you do understand that too, right? It's all about the addiction.

Glad you found your way here. Spending as much time as you can reading here as well as checking out the stickied threads at the top of the page is a great way to educate yourself about alcoholism. The more you know, the more you'll be able to see right thru the things that are hooking you in and causing you pain right now. I'm also going to suggest Alanon--for me, the combination of SR online and Alanon face-to-face has worked well. The support and education have been priceless.

Welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity as you start your own recovery.

firebolt

You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged thousands of .50 caliber, armor piercing, incendiary, fully automatic machine gun rounds being fired by a crazed drunken control freak with delusional tendencies. If you can stay away from that mess, I'll add that you dodged them all - Matrix Style.

GIF: Neo dodges the bullet - DAILYPOP.in

alybally

You guys are all so AWESOME. I'm so grateful I joined this site. My attitude has improved overnight and my head is not feel as foggy or spinning as much. 😊

I have to say when all this began and the honeymoon of the relationship was waning, he kept telling me to run and that he wasn't good for me. I think he could feel things were beginning to spiral and he couldn't control or handle himself like he thought he could when getting involved with me. Before that he showed me absolute and unconditional love. So it's hard not to miss that part of him and accept the monster he's become.