SmallButMighty

I've rarely posted but I read here often, multiple times daily when I need to or am closely following some of transforming lives.Thank you to everyone who shares their lives on this site. It as been inspirational for me.

I've been humming and hah-ing over posting for a few weeks now. I find myself coming here more often of late. I find I need to read the heart wrenching stories of the newcomers to remind myself what it was like before I broke free from the grips of his alcoholism and my codependence. So thank you again to the brave souls who come here and share, you aren't only helping yourselves, but many other people as well.

About a year ago I separated from my AH. Emotionally I started separating myself from him about a year earlier through detachment, I knew after his DUI while supposedly sober, that I was done. Shortly after his DUI I had to be put on traquilizers to deal with the debilitating anxiety attacks and anxiety induced insomnia, I realized then how toxic my marriage had become. I was still bound by my marriage vows though, and I kept trying. AH thought I should just take more or different meds to cope with what my life had become. He promised me the only promise he would ever keep was that he would break all his promises and lie to me for the rest of our lives so he could feed his demons. He said that I wanted him to be something he wasn't and that wasn't fair of me. I agreed he should be who he is, but it was not OK with me to have a spouse who I couldn't trust and that I didn't want to live every day awash in anxiety, pain and fear.I felt he had broken his marriage vows to me by not honoring me nor cherishing me and he thought I broke mine by not sticking with him through his sickness. He also has depression and becomes suicidal, which he medicates with alcohol, which makes him depressed.. and so on and so on.. I don't think there exists a more vicious cycle. Much of my anxiety stemmed from fear of his committing suicide. He knew that, and he hated himself for it but he still went ahead and used it to his advantage. sick sick sick. both of us.

We lived in the same house for about 6 months after the break up and that was utter hell...for both of us... and our 16yr old son. We were more awful to each other in those few months then in all the other 26 years of togetherness combined. I can't explain the pain and I don't think I'd want to. Hearts shattered and things were said neither of us will ever be able to unhear. Things were done that can never be undone. Our son saw us act hateful towards each other after never having seen us fight in his whole life. We had never argued in front of the kids, or anybody.

8months ago I left the house we had made into our family home. We raised our family in that house. I did everything I could to make that house a home. I cooked and baked and cleaned.I went all out on holidays. I marked the wall as they grew. I nursed sick toddlers and grounded obstinate teenagers through the years. I held things together when they were flying apart. I expected it would be a home base where they would bring our grandchildren to visit one day. I found out after I left that he had disrespected the sanctity of our family home by bringing his girlfriend (some dumb twit he found online a few weeks after we decided to split) into the house before I'd moved out. So disgusted by that. I miss my home and I miss my pets but I'll try to never step foot in that house again. I heard through the grapevine she was moving in, I don't even care about that. Neither one of them can erase my 16years of being there. I raised my family in that house and there isn't anything or anybody that can detract from that.

I was so scared to leave! I had no idea how I was going to meet my financial obligations. I had never lived alone, I went from my parents home into his at 19yrs old. But from the very first day I left I haven't had to take anxiety meds. I do not suffer from anxiety any longer. I can sleep, I do not suffer from insomnia. I can take deep breaths. I can eat. I do not walk on eggshells. I'm not scared when I leave work that I will come home to a drunk man who promised he'd be sober or a cop telling me they found his body.

I still grieve for my marriage. Not what it had become but for what it could have been. What it WAS for many years until alcoholism decided to take up residence in our home. That sly Russian mistress(vodka) that seduced him and convinced him she could make him feel better then I could. I miss my husband even though he has a new woman in his life. I don't want him back, I know he is poison to me, but I do miss him. I miss the friendship we once shared. I miss the things we did together as a couple and a family. Everyone always thought we were the perfect couple, the perfect little family..and we were for a long time.. but that changed.. and I grew so damn tired of trying to maintain that facade...yet I miss it.

In the early days of our separation we talked a lot about how we were going to be family forever and stay friends etc.... that hasn't happened. I guess it wasn't realistic, especially after the way he almost immediately had a new woman in his life.

I love my new life. I love the freedom. I love the new adventures I've been on. I love the new people in my life. I love the direction I'm headed... but I keep missing this man that last fall was literally TRYING to destroy my mind. He fully admitted to being vindictive and having animosity towards me and that's why he was treating me so poorly...I keep reminding myself all the horrible, HORRIBLE things he said and did, many of them with the sole purpose of causing me pain.

Friends, I'm struggling very much with the grief of loss. I know I need to feel it and process it. It doesn't agonize me the way it used to, but it has been very persistent lately. I don't want to forget about him, he is the father of my children, and at one time we were very much in love. For many years we lived a good life. I need to find a way to be OK with the good memories but not allow them to sucker me into another heartache. When I decided the pain of leaving was less then the pain of staying I left... so why is it still hurting so damn much? Why am I still giving so much of my energy to missing something that had turned so damn painful and toxic? How do I stop myself from doing this to myself?

I know there isn't an official timeline and it takes as long as it takes..... but I have awesome things awaiting me and I'm so tired of this anchor of loss holding me down! Especially when it is most definitely not something I would ever go back to.

I am thankful that I am a much healthier, much happier woman then I was this time a year ago. As a matter of fact I haven't been this happy in probably 6 or 7 years... that's a long time to be unhappy... life is too short to waste time living in misery.. I guess that's why I feel so impatient with this grief

Thank you for listening if you had the patience to read this far. Just typing all this out has helped me a lot.

Butterfly

Thank you for your post, I'm out 17 months and I'm still grieving. Your right there is no time frame for this and what your experiencing in my humble opinion is perfectly normal. For me I'm grieving the life I wanted with my stbxah, our hopes and dreams, the man I knew he could be and was at times.

You were with this man for 26years, that's a very long time and it will take a long time to grieve the end of your marriage. Please be gentle on yourself, I think your doing amazing in your recovery. Don't be afraid to feel your feelings sit with them and understand them but please don't allow the. To consume you and if you need to remind yourself why you left.

((((Hugs))))

FeelingGreat

SBM, thanks for your moving and inspiring post. I am impressed by the fact that your anxiety disappeared when you moved out, and that you're making a new life for yourself, and enjoying it.
The hurt from a divorce can last a long time, but it's still a positive because it takes you out of a situation that was toxic.
How do you stop longing for the past even when it was horrible? Many people here write down a list of thing their ex did, the bad parts, and read it when the rose coloured glasses appear. It reminds them they are nostalgic about what could have been rather than was.

SmallButMighty

The writing of lists is a good suggestion. Right before I left I was keeping a written journal at home that was full of such lists.

The problem is, lately I keep 'looking' at the list of good. And there was a lot of good...BEFORE. I wont and do not want to discount that at one time we were very happy. I just have to find a way to have happy memories with out breaking my own heart missing those good times. Nothing he could ever say or do could repair the damage. He didn't just break my trust, he oblitereated it. And in my heart, in my life, if there is no trust, there is no meaningful relationship, of any kind.

The last few years was bad, bad, bad and sad ,sad,sad... I do keep reminding myself of that.

Thank you

Hangnbyathread

If you never had any good, you would have never had a relationship. The good is what allowed the miles of the bad to get racked up. When my ex wasn't drinking, she was a delight to have in my life.

I was married once before. That lasted for YEARS more than it should have, because you keep trying to get the miles out of the good that was once.

When we commit to a relationship, we do for the "good" we expect out of them.

We make mistakes. We sometimes are in denial. We do all sorts of things to NOT see that its on fire and crashing.

Once out, and you start to renew your life, you will find your pace, your place and your space again. No time limits. Just enjoy NOT having the toxicity that you know was killing you.

ShootingStar1

SmallButMighty, you have written a heartfelt and poignant post, and I congratulate you on your courage to move forward.

I went through a similar journey, leaving my then AH cross addicted rageful husband of 20 years on July 4th 2012. It might help to look back at my posts from early on to now, because I went through the transition that you are in now.

I just had to let myself feel the anguish that came and went from losing a marriage that I wanted to cherish, but could no longer live in. For me, letting myself feel whatever I felt, crying when I needed to, was ultimately freeing. There was a lot to grieve, and it came in cycles, then the cycles came less and less frequently.

I think part of the turning point for me was when I saw more and more how sick my own behavior had been, and began to own my part in the devastation, and then began to heal myself.

Our hearts are with you, and you are on a healthy upward path now. At some point, it will be as if you climbed a big mountain, and are free of the trees, and can see it all, as if from a long distance: the good, the bad, the completion of a story that had to have an end. Each step is a step toward health and fulfilment, and, for me, owning and allowing the loss was part of the passage.

ShootingStar1

53500

Wow! What a statement. Brutally honest with emphasis on brutal.

Thank you for taking the time to post, SPM. So very glad to hear you got out of that and you're reclaiming your life. How wonderful your anxiety dropped so fast. You deserve much, much better than that soul-crushing environment. Yes there was good in him, there is always is but with an active alcoholic the bad takes over.

It's so good to hear you are happier than you've been in years. The grief you feel will grow less, it just takes time. When I separated an aunt said to me, the first two years are hell. She was right. I'm nearly 20 years out and still feel twinges of grief but the devastating sadness is long gone.

healthyagain

Reading posts like these is so inspirational. There is excruciating pain, but there is also light. You lose so much, but you also gain so much: peace, freedom, breathing freely, no more eggshells.

Right now, I am mainly grieving for the lost time. I am a bit mad with myself that I did not file for divorce earlier, like 5 years ago. That is completely my fault. But I am also grieving for the man who is gone (if ever even existed).

And I can hardly wait for one year to pass without him. I can hardly wait to see where I am going to be. And it cannot be a bad place. Even after 3-4 months of separation, the improvement is great. I do get fits of anger, rage, then extreme sadness though. But as long as he is around, these feelings are going to continue. I'm tired of his poison. But I am so ready for a new life. Thinking about it makes me so excited.

Thank you so much for posting. Your post gave me strength and true hope.