...Seven ways from Sunday
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Atalose... He's not looking. Admits he needs help, but I know that means friends, family, me. AKA, attention. I want to know so that I can share the information with all of those he continually tries to reel in, friends and family and such. I have this little vision of everyone's answer always being a support group, the same support group. Immersion learning, I suppose.
One of two things will happen with that type of plan:
1 . He will resent the heck out of you and those other people causing arguments and discontent
2. He will get new friends to drink with, ones who won’t continue to tell him he has a drinking problem.
Usually when alcoholics are drunk they announce they may have a drinking problem but that doesn’t mean he’s asking for help, it simple means he’s minimizing the issue.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
Meggem. Lol at last, I giggled. I think sometimes common courtesy requires being a bitch.
When we bought our home years ago, one of the big thing that clinch the deal for me was his proclamation that things like the yard, upkeep on the home itself, etc would be his job, I have enough to do with the kids and such. Fast forward to now, where the kids and I take turns carrying out the trash, my beloved neighbor mows the lawn for me as opposed to watching my girls and I try to mow this hill with a push mower, and I have learned some excellent plumbing skills. Irritating as it has been, I can definitely say it has forced me to be a stronger person. Yet I am still doing these things.
There was some intense fixing going on at my end, for sure. Now I find myself resisting the instinct to do even the smallest of favors. The last place I ever thought I would need to strongly exercise independence would be in a relationship. It's supposed to be about sharing everything, pains and responsibilities included, at least in the realm of fantasy, I have no idea at this point. Really it's an excellent cloaking device for an alcoholic looking for an enabler, come to think of it.
I almost wonder if one does not have to harbor a bit of a bitch inside just to be able to pull this off.
When we bought our home years ago, one of the big thing that clinch the deal for me was his proclamation that things like the yard, upkeep on the home itself, etc would be his job, I have enough to do with the kids and such. Fast forward to now, where the kids and I take turns carrying out the trash, my beloved neighbor mows the lawn for me as opposed to watching my girls and I try to mow this hill with a push mower, and I have learned some excellent plumbing skills. Irritating as it has been, I can definitely say it has forced me to be a stronger person. Yet I am still doing these things.
There was some intense fixing going on at my end, for sure. Now I find myself resisting the instinct to do even the smallest of favors. The last place I ever thought I would need to strongly exercise independence would be in a relationship. It's supposed to be about sharing everything, pains and responsibilities included, at least in the realm of fantasy, I have no idea at this point. Really it's an excellent cloaking device for an alcoholic looking for an enabler, come to think of it.
I almost wonder if one does not have to harbor a bit of a bitch inside just to be able to pull this off.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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That's a very good point, atalose. It feels like arming them, but I can see how that would set us all up for more trouble. Then again, whatever we don't set ourselves up for, seems he will find a way to cause upset anyway. So confusing!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by InfoSponge 
That's a very good point, atalose. It feels like arming them, but I can see how that would set us all up for more trouble. Then again, whatever we don't set ourselves up for, seems he will find a way to cause upset anyway. So confusing!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I thought I was practicing "healthy detachment" during the last 2 years or so. I wasn't crying anymore, I found things outside the marriage that brought me some joy (regular things, fitness, etc.)
oh my gosh that reminds me of all of the Saturdays I would ask if he wanted to go to the pool with kids or somewhere else summery and out of the house and he would go off the wall saying "how is the grass supposed to get cut?" "How are the trees supposed to get trimmed?"
For a while I really wondered if I was irresponsible?
I would go anyway without him because it for sure became a landmine and the pool would be filled with families and I would look around and think to myself - he's not worried about his trees being trimmed-and he's not worried..or him..or him......or him...
The craziness was just CRAZY
oh my gosh that reminds me of all of the Saturdays I would ask if he wanted to go to the pool with kids or somewhere else summery and out of the house and he would go off the wall saying "how is the grass supposed to get cut?" "How are the trees supposed to get trimmed?"
For a while I really wondered if I was irresponsible?
I would go anyway without him because it for sure became a landmine and the pool would be filled with families and I would look around and think to myself - he's not worried about his trees being trimmed-and he's not worried..or him..or him......or him...
The craziness was just CRAZY
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Sparklekitty... Should they cut and run, then? And I don't mean that in a bad way, only I feel badly for them hanging on for nothing, or that I might inadvertently sign them up for more grief. I know ultimately it's their decision, just as it's mine, but I am certainly planning to share whatever inside glean with them.
He is detached from household and family almost entirely, meggem. There was complaining about not enough income, but when I began job searching there was then complaining about how the house would not be taken care of, or the kids have found the neglected. It's falling, definitely, but boy did I fall for it. I only began to see through it due to therapy.
He is detached from household and family almost entirely, meggem. There was complaining about not enough income, but when I began job searching there was then complaining about how the house would not be taken care of, or the kids have found the neglected. It's falling, definitely, but boy did I fall for it. I only began to see through it due to therapy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
My girls are 10 and 15. Perhaps I have been wrong to do so, opinions have varied wildly, but I am not in the business of hiding such things from my kids. I definitely approach each differently according to age, but honestly they have been telling me to run for some time now
Sometimes, kids have the best insight - everything is back to basics, and just simplified. Your girls sound pretty great!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to control other people in their interactions with him, either. You can share what you've learned, you can share what your plan is for dealing with your own issues and allowing him the dignity of dealing with his own. You can direct them to SR or Al-Anon.
I'd suggest working on letting go of things that are intended to bring about a specific outcome.
I'd suggest working on letting go of things that are intended to bring about a specific outcome.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I grew up in a "bubble", too, Firebolt. I had no inkling of the true workings of the world until I was released into it. That was an epic struggle, sorting myself out with a whole new set of rules to learn. I feel much better about being open with my girls, and they've openly confessed to appreciating it vastly compared to the kiddie bubble they see elsewhere. Knowledge is power.
Lexiecat, that's all a very good idea, I'll take your advice. And I know ultimately it will divide me by less, to focus on my own struggle better. One day at a time, eh?
I've tried to contact local Alanon by phone, but the automated message is very difficult to make out, its very fuzzy. I'll keep trying til I can piece together the contact information I require. The books will need to wait til tomorrow morning, small folk are too tired from a long day of education to handle the book shop today. I'll instead meditate, which i feel i can successfully do now. Then compile my first '2 do' list. ;-)
What a blessing, and a relief! I feel so much more confident after this discussion. You're all wonderful, thank you so much! I hope to return the gesture in kind.
Lexiecat, that's all a very good idea, I'll take your advice. And I know ultimately it will divide me by less, to focus on my own struggle better. One day at a time, eh?
I've tried to contact local Alanon by phone, but the automated message is very difficult to make out, its very fuzzy. I'll keep trying til I can piece together the contact information I require. The books will need to wait til tomorrow morning, small folk are too tired from a long day of education to handle the book shop today. I'll instead meditate, which i feel i can successfully do now. Then compile my first '2 do' list. ;-)
What a blessing, and a relief! I feel so much more confident after this discussion. You're all wonderful, thank you so much! I hope to return the gesture in kind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, it's very simple, really. Most meetings involve a regular format. They open with some readings--usually from one of the Al-Anon books and maybe the 12 Steps. Different groups do things differently--some may have a topic suggested by someone, some may have a speaker, some may just go around the room with everyone having an opportunity to share. Some groups are large, some are small. Nobody EVER HAS to share--even if they are going around the room, it's fine to simply "pass."
There are no rules for sharing, except that most groups discourage "cross talk," which means speaking directly to another member or offering advice to someone during the meeting itself. You are free to chat with anyone about anything before or after the meeting.
Lots of people get emotional at times--especially newcomers. So don't be embarrassed or upset if you cry--that's perfectly OK.
Even though you don't have to share, it's a good idea to let people know that you're new so they can share things that are especially helpful to newcomers, and give you phone numbers so you will have someone to call in between meetings.
Meetings usually last an hour. Often they will close with a prayer--the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. Even though there is talk about "God" or a "Higher Power," and the occasional prayer, Al-Anon is not a religious program. Your "Higher Power" can be the power of the universe if you are atheist or agnostic.
I hope you will give it a try--it saved my sanity when I was with someone determined to drink himself to death.
There are no rules for sharing, except that most groups discourage "cross talk," which means speaking directly to another member or offering advice to someone during the meeting itself. You are free to chat with anyone about anything before or after the meeting.
Lots of people get emotional at times--especially newcomers. So don't be embarrassed or upset if you cry--that's perfectly OK.
Even though you don't have to share, it's a good idea to let people know that you're new so they can share things that are especially helpful to newcomers, and give you phone numbers so you will have someone to call in between meetings.
Meetings usually last an hour. Often they will close with a prayer--the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. Even though there is talk about "God" or a "Higher Power," and the occasional prayer, Al-Anon is not a religious program. Your "Higher Power" can be the power of the universe if you are atheist or agnostic.
I hope you will give it a try--it saved my sanity when I was with someone determined to drink himself to death.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 13
Often, when I'm reading our stories - all so similar - I'm reminded of the directions for using the oxygen masks in the event of loss of cabin pressure on an airplane: "...if you are traveling with children, or are seated next to someone who needs assistance, place the mask on yourself first, then offer assistance."
Taking care of yourself isn't being selfish - it's key to survival.
Best wishes.
Taking care of yourself isn't being selfish - it's key to survival.
Best wishes.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 51
I definitely want to attend, as soon as possible. Though, I find the list of meetings to be confusing. They have names? Kind of like a baseball team? One is clearly for men, even. I don't want to build myself up to going and end up walking into one that's incorrect.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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BClare, that is a very wise analogy. Some days I think I need an actual oxygen mask, seriously. I'm doing things that I feel are good steps. Talking to friends, pursuing hobbies, taking the kids out when I can if even just for a walk or short drive, reading. I have terrible writers block. That is excruciating for me. Writing is my strongest anchor.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by InfoSponge
I definitely want to attend, as soon as possible. Though, I find the list of meetings to be confusing. They have names? Kind of like a baseball team? One is clearly for men, even. I don't want to build myself up to going and end up walking into one that's incorrect.
As Lexie said, different meetings use somewhat different formats--some will read from a particular book and then discuss what is read, usually noted as a "book study" meeting. (Don't worry, you do NOT need to know which book and have it in your hand before you can attend--whichever member you sit next to will be more than happy to share his/her book w/you; I've done this myself.) Some will have a period of silent meditation in addition to the meeting itself, and this is usually mentioned in the description.
This might answer some questions for you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-al-anon.html
It is much more important THAT you go than specifically WHERE you go. Don't worry about doing it "right"--there IS no such thing. The group members are not there to judge you or your "performance", they are there to offer you comfort, insight, support and learning--and believe me, they will, they really will.
And finding the "right" meeting? That will only be known once you start going, and it may take a few tries to get a feel for things. Just start, and let your path unfold--tough to do, but so worth it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Every group has a name, if only to distinguish them from each other. The name means nothing except that it's what the members decided to call it. The best way to experience Al-Anon is to go to lots of different meetings. If you find one that is especially helpful to you, you can "join" that group and make it your "home group". You are still free (and, in fact, encouraged) to attend all the meetings you want. All that "joining" a group means is that you are willing to take a commitment (like making coffee or setting up chairs or whatever) for that group.
Oh, just a couple of other things. The location of the meeting doesn't determine what kind it is. Meetings are often held in churches, just because the churches provide low-rent meeting space. The group has no affiliation with the church or whatever location it's held (hospital/rehab, etc.).
And every group is self-supporting so a basket gets passed. Most people put in a dollar but it's completely voluntary and nobody will criticize you if you don't have anything to put in.
Oh, just a couple of other things. The location of the meeting doesn't determine what kind it is. Meetings are often held in churches, just because the churches provide low-rent meeting space. The group has no affiliation with the church or whatever location it's held (hospital/rehab, etc.).
And every group is self-supporting so a basket gets passed. Most people put in a dollar but it's completely voluntary and nobody will criticize you if you don't have anything to put in.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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That's the link I found earlier that helped descramble my brain, honeypig. The rest of the information that's been posted here clarifies all the rest I had been wondering about. Now that I've had coffee, I'll go about finding my first meeting. :-) I'm getting kind of excited actually. <3
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Let us know how it goes. I was pretty angry at my first meeting. It was a newcomer's meeting held in a rehab, and the other newcomers had someone there in treatment. I've never had any alcoholic in my life try to get sober or even really admit that they had a problem, so it wasn't the best fit for me. But the meeting schedule they gave me led me to what has become my home group, and it has been a huge help. Not just in dealing with alcoholics, but for my life in general.
Hope you have a good experience, but if not, don't get discouraged. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right fit.
Hope you have a good experience, but if not, don't get discouraged. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right fit.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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I'll consider myself warned. I'm definitely a little nervous, but nothing like before. But I have no intention of ditching once I commit to this, same goes for this group. I really only know one other alcoholic, my brother. He makes my AH look like a cherubic angel. Which is something else I have tried to fathom. Not that it makes it okay, but I can kind of understand where my AH's problems stem from. My brother was the first instance I've experienced of seeing the completely skewed reality, his impression of events is nothing like actual events. But I decided a while ago to leave that line of thinking for professionals, if ever he gets to that point.
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