Kboys

So, the short of it, is that

Liveitwell

Btdt-it will keep getting worse. Praying for you!

firebolt

I'm sorry, Kboys - peaceful thoughts your way.

hopeful4

((Kboys)) XXX

Kboys

Trying this again....

Hi Friends,
Well, the short of it, is that AH is drinking again. I think we all knew it would happen sooner or later.

It's been for about a month now. I've been spending more time at my parents' house, which I think has been helping me to detach.
It started with "just a few beers", and for the most part, he seemed to be managing all right until last night.

I don't know because I didn't see his empties, but I am assuming he went back to vodka last night, or at least drank a whole lot of beer.. and he got nasty... yelling, lecturing, name-calling, criticizing all of my areas of insecurity... just like before. I tried really hard not to take it all personally, and I didn't engage. I kept saying the Serenity Prayer in my head, and used all the visualization techniques I could think of that I've learned from you guys, like picturing his head as a duck, quacking away, and the neon "invalid" sign above his head. I feel okay about how I handled last night.
But I still have a pretty hard time not letting such personal attacks on me effect me....

He didn't go to work today. I told him this morning the kids and I will not be coming home. I have paperwork ready to file. I didn't tell him that though.

I have felt for a long time like it is over, so I guess this is just one more thing to solidify that decision. But it still hurts really bad.

Since he started drinking beer last month, there have been a few times that I have joined him and had a few myself. He was in good moods, and well, he was drinking anyway. I miss drinking sometimes too...

Also, if I'm being honest, there were times in the few months before he went back to drinking, that I brought wine home and drank it. He said he didn't mind... it was fine. But I wish I wouldn't have done that. I guess there was part of me that felt resentful that I was not able to enjoy a drink... because he has a problem. But it was the wrong decision.

Last night he blamed me for his return to drinking. I know I can't take responsibility for the choices he has made... It would have happened anyway, sooner or later...but I'm feeling guilty about it. Now I don't feel like I can say "I did all I could to support him."
I didn't. I drank in front of him and I drank with him.

Thanks for listening.

SparkleKitty

Kboys, there aren't any exceptions to the three C's. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. I'm sorry he chose drinking again, but you are correct -- HE is the one with the problem, not you. I'm sorry you're feeling ashamed of it. You are not his mother. He has a voice. He has options. He is an adult.

Hawkeye13

Kboys, my husband drinks in front of me pretty much daily,
but since I am an alcoholic I know that I can't drink so I don't.

My sobriety has absolutely nothing to do with him or his choices--my choice to drink or not drink is mine alone.

Same for your husband.
Don't feel guilty--he picked up, and what you drank or didn't drink is not related.

He knew what he was risking and choose to do it anyway.
I'm sorry.

happybeingme

Two weeks after I quit drinking I bought beer for my husband. It didn't bother me at all. I was done. Your husband Chose to drink again. Your actions had nothing to do with it

LexieCat

You're entitled to be human. Let's be clear, even if your drinking around him was a "mistake" (and reasonable people can debate that), if it bothered HIM, and he WANTED to stay sober, the onus was on him to talk to you about it.

OTOH, if he wanted to drink (which he apparently did), there are no shortage of things he could blame it on. If you had been PERFECT (not reasonable to expect, but we are talking hypotheticals here), he would have blamed his return to booze on the economy, the neighbors, your family, his family, the news, his job.... You are NOT to blame for what he does.

I hope you can go ahead and make a clean getaway at this point. And please be prepared for the pleas and manipulation that will inevitably follow. You've been down this road before.

Hugs!

FireSprite

You didn't cause his relapse, you have nothing to feel guilty for. I know you KNOW that but I hope you FEEL it too. ((((((hugs))))))

After re-reading some of your old posts I think it's safe to say that this isn't a big surprise - he's been white-knuckling & abstaining but not recovering for a very long time. It doesn't sound like he really WANTS sobriety at this point, does he?

Kboys

Thanks for the support ladies! I have a hard time posting from my phone. I added more on a new thread

Kboys

Thank you everybody
I do know I didn't cause his relapse, and I know it would have happened anyway, sooner or later.... but it helps to hear it from you guys.

Like Lexie said, he would have found something else to blame it on... and he did, actually. My drinking was just one thing. He's also sleep-deprived, his job is stressful, and I "don't respect him" and "don't give him any credit" for staying sober for nine months, so he might as well drink.

I know that, like Firesprite said, it's not a big surprise that he has relapsed, as he has really not been in recovery, but just white-knuckling it.
On some level, it's almost a relief... but it's still heartbreaking.

Thank you for the support and wisdom, as always
I will keep you posted.

NYCDoglvr

Feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. The ONLY way you could cause him to drink is by tying him down and forcing alcohol down his throat. I hope you don't let guilt keep you from making the decision you know is the right one.

Kboys

He's done he says. No apologies or trying to get me to change my mind this time. Just more blaming.
"The demise of our relationship is all my fault. If I would have just paid more attention to him after the kids were born, he would have felt loved, wouldn't have had to drink, yell, cheat. I always put the kids above him. He changed for me, by quitting drinking, but I didn't change anything. He's tired of jumping through the hoops."


I feel heartbroken. I know it's for the best, but it hurts so bad. I know I'll get through it. I will, but it really hurts... just as bad as it did last September when he moved out. I thought it might be easier this time, but it's not.

SparkleKitty

Kboys, I can only say I am sorry, and that I hope your heartbreak is not because you believe in your heart the denial and projection and lack of accountability he is laying on you. The drinking, the yelling, the cheating -- these were choices he made. They are immature. The paths of least resistance.

Change is not white-knuckling for months in the hopes of being rewarded for something you should have been doing all along.

I hope you can grieve this and then let it go to make way for the love and acceptance and good emotional health and well-being that is waiting for you.

LexieCat

That's quite a load of quacking he's doing there. Maybe that's what he thinks, but it sounds to me as if he's working as hard to convince himself as he is you.

It's nothing more than typical alcoholic blame-shifting. It hurts to have to walk away from a marriage, but not nearly as much, in the long run, as staying would.

Kboys

Thank you SparkleKitty. I know you're right.

I know I did all I could, and tried as hard as I could.

I can't stop thinking about the beginning of our relationship, when things were new and good and how good it felt to hear him say how much he loved me, we were meant for each other, and I was perfect for him. I know it all moved too fast from the beginning, and it should have been a red flag....

But now, today, hearing all the opposite from him, what a mistake it was, how wrong we are for each other... it just is devastating.

I KNOW it's for the best. I've known it for a while. But I feel like I just want to curl up and sob, and still just want to be good enough for him to WANT to keep trying

Kboys

Thank you Lexie. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

"It hurts to have to walk away from a marriage, but not nearly as much, in the long run, as staying would."

SparkleKitty

Honey, curl up and sob if that is what you need. When you are a little ways out of this you will be able to see and FEEL clearly that you have always been good enough.

The only person who is not good enough for him is HIM.

Kboys

I read some of my posts from last September / October, when AH was moved out the first time. I pretty much wrote the exact same things as I just wrote here.

I really should have listened to you guys (and to my gut) back then... I would have been a lot further along by now.

I thought with him not drinking, maybe things could be better. The kids need their dad. I tried. I really did. I did my best and it didn't work out.

Why is it so important to me for HIM to SEE and acknowledge how hard I tried? It's not going to happen, and I know it, at least not any time soon.
I need to let go of that, because it's part of what has kept pulling me back....