Anxious at improved behaviour!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Anxious at improved behaviour!
Can anyone relate?
My partner has been a relapsed functioning alcoholic for 18months now.
His behaviour became really erratic but I couldn't afford to leave him and had to stay, but recently his behaviour has improved. The trouble is, I know he is still drinking heavily in continued secrecy and the fact I have no gauge now on how to figure out how functioning he is is making me more anxious.
Suddenly I have no idea if he is fit to look after the kids because he appears to be functioning better, but I know for a fact that he has still been drinking heavily. It's like my gauge has gone.
I feel irrationally scared of him at night because of his past erratic behaviour....if we have a disagreement I suddenly panic that he has had more than I can tell and he's going to come after me (I have only had glimpses of a violent nature in the past whilst drinking but he has never actually got violent, only with plates and walls etc).
I feel so anxious and am mad at myself for being scared and anxious despite outward improvement in his mood. I feel like I am in the calm before the storm though. The more he can hide the drinking effects the more I distrust the situation with him.
I'm feeling so isolated and trapped as have no money to leave him and give my kids a decent life right now. They also are pretty protected from his drinking so I feel like I am putting my needs above theirs.
Can anyone relate? Does it just sound like I've lost the plot ?? 😕
My partner has been a relapsed functioning alcoholic for 18months now.
His behaviour became really erratic but I couldn't afford to leave him and had to stay, but recently his behaviour has improved. The trouble is, I know he is still drinking heavily in continued secrecy and the fact I have no gauge now on how to figure out how functioning he is is making me more anxious.
Suddenly I have no idea if he is fit to look after the kids because he appears to be functioning better, but I know for a fact that he has still been drinking heavily. It's like my gauge has gone.
I feel irrationally scared of him at night because of his past erratic behaviour....if we have a disagreement I suddenly panic that he has had more than I can tell and he's going to come after me (I have only had glimpses of a violent nature in the past whilst drinking but he has never actually got violent, only with plates and walls etc).
I feel so anxious and am mad at myself for being scared and anxious despite outward improvement in his mood. I feel like I am in the calm before the storm though. The more he can hide the drinking effects the more I distrust the situation with him.
I'm feeling so isolated and trapped as have no money to leave him and give my kids a decent life right now. They also are pretty protected from his drinking so I feel like I am putting my needs above theirs.
Can anyone relate? Does it just sound like I've lost the plot ?? 😕
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
If you don't trust him with watching children then don't go there.
My AH is better than He used to be when drinking because He knows we lived in Alco-Hell and he's made an effort to not turn that corner, no way do I trust him with a child, not even a teenager... I don't even trust him to feed the dogs.
Don't ever let your money situation dictate your life. If you don't have a job or a career and are dependant on a man, you need to change that. I'm not being a jerk, I'm serious. Women should NEVER become dependant on a man and feel imprisoned because they are broke. If God paid that man a visit n took him, where do you think you'd be?
My AH is better than He used to be when drinking because He knows we lived in Alco-Hell and he's made an effort to not turn that corner, no way do I trust him with a child, not even a teenager... I don't even trust him to feed the dogs.
Don't ever let your money situation dictate your life. If you don't have a job or a career and are dependant on a man, you need to change that. I'm not being a jerk, I'm serious. Women should NEVER become dependant on a man and feel imprisoned because they are broke. If God paid that man a visit n took him, where do you think you'd be?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, I know what you're talking about. You aren't crazy, the situation is.
Here's the thing. Tolerance to alcohol changes over the course of the disease's progression. Right now he APPEARS to be handling it well, but you know he really isn't. And you need to pay attention to those feelings.
Your kids may not know the specifics of how much he is drinking, or even what, exactly, the problem is, but you can bet they are being affected by it--and not in a good way. You want to protect them BEFORE they are harmed too much, right? And it pretty much is inevitable that they are being harmed and that the harm will progress.
One thing you can do for yourself is get to Al-Anon if you aren't already going. Getting your own head on straight so you can see things clearly is the first step to making good, responsible choices for yourself and your kids.
You also might want to call the DV hotline. You might not feel "abused" because he hasn't hit you (yet). But breaking things, throwing things, etc., are (as you seem to recognize) signs that there might be the potential for physical violence against you. Believe me, the terrific folks at the hotline will NOT think you're overreacting. They can help you figure out a safety plan so if you and the kids ever do need to escape a violent situation you can do so.
And stick around and keep reading and posting here. There is a lot of collective wisdom floating around this forum. Glad you're here!
Here's the thing. Tolerance to alcohol changes over the course of the disease's progression. Right now he APPEARS to be handling it well, but you know he really isn't. And you need to pay attention to those feelings.
Your kids may not know the specifics of how much he is drinking, or even what, exactly, the problem is, but you can bet they are being affected by it--and not in a good way. You want to protect them BEFORE they are harmed too much, right? And it pretty much is inevitable that they are being harmed and that the harm will progress.
One thing you can do for yourself is get to Al-Anon if you aren't already going. Getting your own head on straight so you can see things clearly is the first step to making good, responsible choices for yourself and your kids.
You also might want to call the DV hotline. You might not feel "abused" because he hasn't hit you (yet). But breaking things, throwing things, etc., are (as you seem to recognize) signs that there might be the potential for physical violence against you. Believe me, the terrific folks at the hotline will NOT think you're overreacting. They can help you figure out a safety plan so if you and the kids ever do need to escape a violent situation you can do so.
And stick around and keep reading and posting here. There is a lot of collective wisdom floating around this forum. Glad you're here!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Hey BoxinRotz, I agree totally in theory with your financial assessment, but I had to quit my job to raise my kids. Where I am the child care costs mean that I cannot afford to pay for the child care and support my kids. It costs more than my wage and I used to have a pretty decent job 
I didn't know that he was alcoholic when we had the children, I thought we had a partnership, otherwise I definitely would have figured things out differently!
I didn't know that he was alcoholic when we had the children, I thought we had a partnership, otherwise I definitely would have figured things out differently!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
LexieCat, what is the DV hotline?
I'm having a hard time finding support and the alcohol dependency helpline I was pointed in the direction of never seems to have anyone there. I have had bad experiences 'leaving a message' so don't feel like going there, I often can't talk even if they call back so need someone who can pick up on my time...
I'm having a hard time finding support and the alcohol dependency helpline I was pointed in the direction of never seems to have anyone there. I have had bad experiences 'leaving a message' so don't feel like going there, I often can't talk even if they call back so need someone who can pick up on my time...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi ((((LosingSleep))))
I think I can relate. My AH was dry since October, but started up again with "moderate" drinking on July 24th... Just beer, no vodka, that I know of. I've been staying the weekends and some week nights at my parents' house...
"I feel irrationally scared of him at night because of his past erratic behaviour"
I definitely relate to that above.
I can tell my AH is trying very hard to keep it under control. He wants to prove to me and to himself that he can have just "a few" beers and not get mean / violent like he used to. But even when he's being pleasant, I just cannot stand his voice when he's been drinking, or the facial expressions he makes. It makes me want to puke, and yes, it makes me feel scared. Because it is associated with SO MANY horrible memories.
I don't think it's "irrational" to feel this way though. I think it's self-protective. If he has been violent with plates and walls, it will escalate from there.
I haven't gone to my Al-anon meetings the last two weeks, because I don't want to leave my boys home alone with him... Because I just don't know. He seems "okay" and as far as I can tell, he's only had two to three tall cans of beer each night, but to me, he seems more drunk than just that... and I don't want to start searching through the garage and the trash like I used to for proof... so yeah, I'm just not really sure, and don't want to take the chance of something bad happening!
I also relate with the feeling of being in the calm before the storm, and just waiting for things to escalate.... It's a horrible place to be in.... almost worse than the actual "storm" I think.
Take care of you and your children!!!
I think I can relate. My AH was dry since October, but started up again with "moderate" drinking on July 24th... Just beer, no vodka, that I know of. I've been staying the weekends and some week nights at my parents' house...
"I feel irrationally scared of him at night because of his past erratic behaviour"
I definitely relate to that above.
I can tell my AH is trying very hard to keep it under control. He wants to prove to me and to himself that he can have just "a few" beers and not get mean / violent like he used to. But even when he's being pleasant, I just cannot stand his voice when he's been drinking, or the facial expressions he makes. It makes me want to puke, and yes, it makes me feel scared. Because it is associated with SO MANY horrible memories.
I don't think it's "irrational" to feel this way though. I think it's self-protective. If he has been violent with plates and walls, it will escalate from there.
I haven't gone to my Al-anon meetings the last two weeks, because I don't want to leave my boys home alone with him... Because I just don't know. He seems "okay" and as far as I can tell, he's only had two to three tall cans of beer each night, but to me, he seems more drunk than just that... and I don't want to start searching through the garage and the trash like I used to for proof... so yeah, I'm just not really sure, and don't want to take the chance of something bad happening!
I also relate with the feeling of being in the calm before the storm, and just waiting for things to escalate.... It's a horrible place to be in.... almost worse than the actual "storm" I think.
Take care of you and your children!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Kboys, hi!
This sounds so close to my situation. Like you, I am tired of searching for the 'empties', it carries its own stress.
It's interesting that you can't get to the meetings because of his drinking. It's part of what I have found so hard. I have tried to start working a few days, but getting him up reliably to look after the kids has been hard and like you, I am afraid to leave them even though they are ok and seem fine at the end of the day....I don't want to wait for it not to be ok though. I can't get support either because I always have the kids.
Can I ask why you haven't left?
This sounds so close to my situation. Like you, I am tired of searching for the 'empties', it carries its own stress.
It's interesting that you can't get to the meetings because of his drinking. It's part of what I have found so hard. I have tried to start working a few days, but getting him up reliably to look after the kids has been hard and like you, I am afraid to leave them even though they are ok and seem fine at the end of the day....I don't want to wait for it not to be ok though. I can't get support either because I always have the kids.
Can I ask why you haven't left?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My ex can function pretty darn well with a ton of alcohol in his system...scary. Even after his dad died a few years ago and he was drinking God knows how much beer and vodka each day he could still carry on conversations like nobody knew. Tolerance increases as they drink-mine did as well, the more I drank. That's not a good thing at all. Please learn about alcoholism and do not let this person take care of your kids-you are not irrational.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"I am afraid to leave them even though they are ok and seem fine at the end of the day....I don't want to wait for it not to be ok though.. "
Yes, definitely.... In the past, when AH was drinking before, and wasn't working at that time, I left the kids home with him some, so I could go back to work, but I had a really bad experience, when my two year old was an infant (my kids are two and three now). Thank God, it worked out, but it could have been a lot worse, and I will NEVER leave them with him again if he is drinking.
AH and I did split up last September, briefly, when his drinking was at its worst, and things were just too scary and unpredictable...but I let him come home for "one last try" and he was sober since then- up until last month.
I deeply regret letting him come back, but I was just not strong enough / not ready then, I guess.
Even sober, though, he is controlling and emotionally abusive. We've had some good times, but basically, even before he went back to drinking, I've known that it's over, and have been staying more with my parents. I've told him I want him to move out (my parents' own the house we live in and I pay rent to them, so he can't stay), but I think he thinks I'm going to change my mind if we just don't talk about it.... that's what I've always done in the past.
I've stayed because it's still hard for me to fully detach, and give up on the future I thought we would have.
Because the thought of divorce and custody and all that comes along with it is just exhausting.
I worry what will happen to him.
I worry it might be the wrong choice for my children.
At this point though, I know it's what has to happen, now that he's started drinking again. I'm still dragging it out though, because.... I don't know, that's just what I've done for so long I guess... lingering doubts
I'm fortunate that my parents are about 45 minutes away , (which is close, but not close enough to just drop them off after work to go my Al-anon meeting) and I have a great day care that my kids go while I work.
Do you have any supportive friends or family? How old are your kiddos?
I'm glad you found SR! It for me has been such a blessing!
Yes, definitely.... In the past, when AH was drinking before, and wasn't working at that time, I left the kids home with him some, so I could go back to work, but I had a really bad experience, when my two year old was an infant (my kids are two and three now). Thank God, it worked out, but it could have been a lot worse, and I will NEVER leave them with him again if he is drinking.
AH and I did split up last September, briefly, when his drinking was at its worst, and things were just too scary and unpredictable...but I let him come home for "one last try" and he was sober since then- up until last month.
I deeply regret letting him come back, but I was just not strong enough / not ready then, I guess.
Even sober, though, he is controlling and emotionally abusive. We've had some good times, but basically, even before he went back to drinking, I've known that it's over, and have been staying more with my parents. I've told him I want him to move out (my parents' own the house we live in and I pay rent to them, so he can't stay), but I think he thinks I'm going to change my mind if we just don't talk about it.... that's what I've always done in the past.
I've stayed because it's still hard for me to fully detach, and give up on the future I thought we would have.
Because the thought of divorce and custody and all that comes along with it is just exhausting.
I worry what will happen to him.
I worry it might be the wrong choice for my children.
At this point though, I know it's what has to happen, now that he's started drinking again. I'm still dragging it out though, because.... I don't know, that's just what I've done for so long I guess... lingering doubts
I'm fortunate that my parents are about 45 minutes away , (which is close, but not close enough to just drop them off after work to go my Al-anon meeting) and I have a great day care that my kids go while I work.
Do you have any supportive friends or family? How old are your kiddos?
I'm glad you found SR! It for me has been such a blessing!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Losing Sleep.......Do you know where to get subsidized child care, housing, food stamps, legal assistance, health care, etc?
If he is the biologic father of your children, he is obligated to pay child care.
dandylion
If he is the biologic father of your children, he is obligated to pay child care.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The Domestic Violence Hotline is staffed 24/7 with advocates--their number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They are a terrific organization, and several of our members here have called and gotten great advice and support.
I've worked professionally in the field of domestic violence for a very long time, and the power and control and manipulation that are used by abusers can make the most grounded, sane people feel crazy and helpless. Good advocates, like the ones they have at the hotline (your local women's shelter has them, too) can provide lots of resources, suggestions, and concrete assistance like safety planning that will help you feel less trapped.
I've worked professionally in the field of domestic violence for a very long time, and the power and control and manipulation that are used by abusers can make the most grounded, sane people feel crazy and helpless. Good advocates, like the ones they have at the hotline (your local women's shelter has them, too) can provide lots of resources, suggestions, and concrete assistance like safety planning that will help you feel less trapped.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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KBoys, thank you for sharing your situation, I am holding out for the same reasons it seems.
I just keep hoping he can pull it together for the kids (2 and 4 years old) but I know that I can never put the relationship back together in my heart...too much emotional damage already done for me to forgive him and move on.
I think my situation is not as awful as some of the posts I'm reading here, so part of me thinks that I should keep trying to make it work, but the other part realises that it's already bad enough if I feel like this.
Dandylion, I realise now that I am not posting in the same country as you guys, so what we have available here is different financially and support wise. I've looked at my options. We do have a government support system, but I have to take my kids to the edge of poverty if I leave and I feel terrified to do that as my partner makes good money. I am not sure which is worse for the children as they do not really suffer from his drinking right now (they just know he sleeps a lot and gets grumpy sometimes). Would poverty be a better life?? Should I hold out until they are old enough for me to work full time again in a few years? Sometimes I think I can hold out even if I hate it for my kids but mostly I just want hit eject and never look back.
LexieCat, thank you for your sympathetic ear and gentle advice. I hate myself for allowing this situation and still feel surprised that this is my life! I think I am still in shock at what the situation actually is in my home.
I am afraid to leave and discover that I don't have enough money to live and give my kids an ok life, but the only way to know is to go and I am afraid to put my kids through that....
I so appreciate being able to talk with people who can give me perspective. Thank you so much for all your advice and replies.
I just keep hoping he can pull it together for the kids (2 and 4 years old) but I know that I can never put the relationship back together in my heart...too much emotional damage already done for me to forgive him and move on.
I think my situation is not as awful as some of the posts I'm reading here, so part of me thinks that I should keep trying to make it work, but the other part realises that it's already bad enough if I feel like this.
Dandylion, I realise now that I am not posting in the same country as you guys, so what we have available here is different financially and support wise. I've looked at my options. We do have a government support system, but I have to take my kids to the edge of poverty if I leave and I feel terrified to do that as my partner makes good money. I am not sure which is worse for the children as they do not really suffer from his drinking right now (they just know he sleeps a lot and gets grumpy sometimes). Would poverty be a better life?? Should I hold out until they are old enough for me to work full time again in a few years? Sometimes I think I can hold out even if I hate it for my kids but mostly I just want hit eject and never look back.
LexieCat, thank you for your sympathetic ear and gentle advice. I hate myself for allowing this situation and still feel surprised that this is my life! I think I am still in shock at what the situation actually is in my home.
I am afraid to leave and discover that I don't have enough money to live and give my kids an ok life, but the only way to know is to go and I am afraid to put my kids through that....
I so appreciate being able to talk with people who can give me perspective. Thank you so much for all your advice and replies.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LosingSleep....being "poor" is not as bad as being unhappy.
Children can roll with the situation better at this age than at older ages.....if they have one stable and considtent and loving parent.
I'm thinking it may be harder on you than the kids (due to your fears).
I divorced my husband with three very small children. I have never regretted that decision. I would h ave gone crazy if I had stayed....then my children wouldn't have had any warm and loving parent.
dandylion
Children can roll with the situation better at this age than at older ages.....if they have one stable and considtent and loving parent.
I'm thinking it may be harder on you than the kids (due to your fears).
I divorced my husband with three very small children. I have never regretted that decision. I would h ave gone crazy if I had stayed....then my children wouldn't have had any warm and loving parent.
dandylion
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by LosingSleep 
I think my situation is not as awful as some of the posts I'm reading here, so part of me thinks that I should keep trying to make it work, but the other part realises that it's already bad enough if I feel like this.
Grrr...just reading this stuff makes me so angry that alcohol even exists. All of our experiences are so similar, it's crazy.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by LosingSleep
I have tried to start working a few days, but getting him up reliably to look after the kids has been hard and like you, I am afraid to leave them even though they are ok and seem fine at the end of the day....I don't want to wait for it not to be ok though.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
one way to fight FEAR is with FACTS. now is the time to start research what support systems DO exist, what help IS available. i agree with others - you ARE in an abusive situation even if for NOW he is only taking it out on inanimate objects. it doesn't take much at all to progress to the next step.......where suddenly YOU are being physically assaulted and abused.
yeah its scary. but there are solutions.
relying on the unreliable puts us at a disadvantage...he may make decent $$ NOW, but as his disease progresses the chances are quite high that his employment and income stream become compromised. do not wait until it is so bad you have to leave one night in terror with no plan. start the plan today.
yeah its scary. but there are solutions.
relying on the unreliable puts us at a disadvantage...he may make decent $$ NOW, but as his disease progresses the chances are quite high that his employment and income stream become compromised. do not wait until it is so bad you have to leave one night in terror with no plan. start the plan today.
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