Am I the villian?
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Am I the villian?
Had a talk with my daughter last night about our dogs. Just chit chatting, then she said something that has not sat right with me.
I love both my dogs, except the 1st one my AH decided to get right after I had my surgery. I wanted to wait a couple of months and see how my chemo and radiation went. Ok no big deal except she is very hairy and gets muddy and I am the only one to clean up the house after her.
I lost my dog in December of 2013 and I did not want another dog due to the fact I was missing my dog. Well AH brought home another dog last August. This one too is hairy and muddy and brings it in the house. Both need to be groomed daily and the Kids do some but not enough. I did not want the expense of another dog (they can be expensive) but I like both of them, I just did not want the responsibility of cleaning up after them, training and the vet expense.
AH did not have 2 dimes to rub together and goes and gets a dog. OK I accept it. Well my Daughter made the comment that If asked if I wanted one I would of said no. Duh. I know she is just young and does not understand but how was it that I was the villain in wanting some order in the house. AH must of talked to them and told them not to tell me about dog number 2.
This whole conversation has not sat well with me.
Input?
Cricket
I love both my dogs, except the 1st one my AH decided to get right after I had my surgery. I wanted to wait a couple of months and see how my chemo and radiation went. Ok no big deal except she is very hairy and gets muddy and I am the only one to clean up the house after her.
I lost my dog in December of 2013 and I did not want another dog due to the fact I was missing my dog. Well AH brought home another dog last August. This one too is hairy and muddy and brings it in the house. Both need to be groomed daily and the Kids do some but not enough. I did not want the expense of another dog (they can be expensive) but I like both of them, I just did not want the responsibility of cleaning up after them, training and the vet expense.
AH did not have 2 dimes to rub together and goes and gets a dog. OK I accept it. Well my Daughter made the comment that If asked if I wanted one I would of said no. Duh. I know she is just young and does not understand but how was it that I was the villain in wanting some order in the house. AH must of talked to them and told them not to tell me about dog number 2.
This whole conversation has not sat well with me.
Input?
Cricket
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Cricket, she may be young, but she is also capable of understanding when you tell her you're thinking of the expense, and the fact that you and not AH are the one doing the caring for the dogs and cleaning up after them. I'm sure if you explained to her quietly (and you may have) she would see it wasn't just you being a villain.
Your AH sounds like a thoughtless jerk.
Your AH sounds like a thoughtless jerk.
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cricket.....it sounds like the typical move that a person who is self centered, and, perhaps a bit impulsive would make. (is he impulsive in other ways).
I say self centered because he didn't seem to consider the impact on you. You two are partners in creating and running a home....he should have, at least discussed the issue with you in detail. So, I would say that he was not a good "team player" in this instance.
I see your point....it is not that you are anti-dog....or anti-pet.....you are somewhat bent over under the work and expense. Very understandable, I think. LOL...I don't think you are a villan!
Now...a question... Do you think, that, in the family unit, you are seen as the main administrator....the head authority in decision making....leading by top down--without flexibility and sensitivity to the other parties. In other words, a sort of domestic dictator?
Or....another question....do you assume most all of the domestic responsibilities and exist to "serve" the rest of the organization. (I don't know your children's ages, by the way).
(I am just wondering how this one incident fits into the whole picture).
These are the thoughts that come to mind by your question.......
dandylion
Now....
I say self centered because he didn't seem to consider the impact on you. You two are partners in creating and running a home....he should have, at least discussed the issue with you in detail. So, I would say that he was not a good "team player" in this instance.
I see your point....it is not that you are anti-dog....or anti-pet.....you are somewhat bent over under the work and expense. Very understandable, I think. LOL...I don't think you are a villan!
Now...a question... Do you think, that, in the family unit, you are seen as the main administrator....the head authority in decision making....leading by top down--without flexibility and sensitivity to the other parties. In other words, a sort of domestic dictator?
Or....another question....do you assume most all of the domestic responsibilities and exist to "serve" the rest of the organization. (I don't know your children's ages, by the way).
(I am just wondering how this one incident fits into the whole picture).
These are the thoughts that come to mind by your question.......
dandylion
Now....
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Hello Cricket!
How much longer are you and STBX stuck living in the same space?
I'm not sure I followed your thread. I have 2 dogs. Last night I was tired, cranky and yet wandering around with a vacuum sucking up dog hair. They are a ridiculous amount of work. Indeed recently one of my rescues needed $1K in vet bills. I know I will not be able to afford two dogs in the future. So I had to tell myself I'm grateful that I got a chance to have two dogs. I love watching them interact with each other. But this time is limited and I have no intention of keeping two dogs in the future. I did this to myself!
I feel that this is somewhat linked to your earlier thread about young adults not helping around the house... You are not respected and getting dumped on.
How much longer are you and STBX stuck living in the same space?
I'm not sure I followed your thread. I have 2 dogs. Last night I was tired, cranky and yet wandering around with a vacuum sucking up dog hair. They are a ridiculous amount of work. Indeed recently one of my rescues needed $1K in vet bills. I know I will not be able to afford two dogs in the future. So I had to tell myself I'm grateful that I got a chance to have two dogs. I love watching them interact with each other. But this time is limited and I have no intention of keeping two dogs in the future. I did this to myself!
I feel that this is somewhat linked to your earlier thread about young adults not helping around the house... You are not respected and getting dumped on.
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I've been the default primary caretaker of several pets that both my exes "really, really wanted" and brought home over my objections. I loved the animals, but I also did resent being the main source of labor for dog walking, litter box cleaning, poo and hair removal and all the other responsibilities that to along with pet ownership. I also got to pay for all the heart worm and flea and tick medications and any vet bills that cropped up. You are not a mean person for feeling that way. I totally understand.
My ex husband (not an A) said the same thing your daughter did. "If I had asked, you would have said no." I let him have the dog after we got divorced.
My ex husband (not an A) said the same thing your daughter did. "If I had asked, you would have said no." I let him have the dog after we got divorced.
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The subject of pets is a loaded one in my house, too. My AH and I each brought a dog into the marriage. My AH's dog is very big, and a rescue out of a serious abuse situation. I ADORE this dog, but as my AH's disease has worsened, he spends less and less time with his dog, and I do virtually all of the care and absolutely all of the clean up. Often, when my AH would work out of town for months at a time, he would leave the big dog with me (ostensibly for "my protection" and often over my strenuous objection), and I would have to care for all the kids and both dogs without anyone to even run interference. The big dog is also a big tracker of mud and shedder of dog hair. But my love for this dog and my sadness over my AH's decreased involvement with the dog are just a couple of the excuses I used to stay as long as I did. Now that I'm leaving, I'm taking my own dog and leaving the big dog behind. It makes me sad, and I also feel like a bit of a villain, but I know it's the right thing.
((HUGS)) to you AND the animals!
((HUGS)) to you AND the animals!
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Thanks everyone, I glad dandylion pointed out that it is very self centered for them to bring home an animal and expect someone else to do most of the work. The last dog I did not do a whole lot, I figured I was not asked I don't have to contribute, however he still sheds a lot and none of them seem to notice.
I'll add selfish to the list of things I will have to straighten out in my kids in the future.
As for my divorce, he turned down the settlement and now we are going to try mediation, hopefully wrapping this up next month and him moving out the next month if all goes as I plan. I'm expecting surprises, so who knows.
I'll add selfish to the list of things I will have to straighten out in my kids in the future.
As for my divorce, he turned down the settlement and now we are going to try mediation, hopefully wrapping this up next month and him moving out the next month if all goes as I plan. I'm expecting surprises, so who knows.
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We have 3 dogs. One is ours. One we inherited when our son was transferred and agreed to keep until he was back. That was 2 years ago, we consider her ours now. The other we inherited when we found out our daughter was using again and kicked her out. We consider her, ours now. We went from 1 to 3 dogs in a matter months. Dog hair all over, the upkeep and expense of 3 dogs, feeding, walking, playing. And...I wouldn't have it any other way. They bring so much joy to us.
Not sure why I told you that, maybe forget the mud and hair and just enjoy them. Also, with all the chaos your kids must have in their life with your AH, maybe the dogs give the kids a little stability? Maybe she was just afraid you were going to get rid of them?
Not sure why I told you that, maybe forget the mud and hair and just enjoy them. Also, with all the chaos your kids must have in their life with your AH, maybe the dogs give the kids a little stability? Maybe she was just afraid you were going to get rid of them?
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Sitting here scratching my head again. Another conversation where I have been told I did wrong. This time from my son.
I got a car from my parents estate about 5 years ago. I was not in favor of getting it because it was a money pit for my parent and was not working at the time.
My stbxah did summer saults and jumping jacks when it was offered to me and basically committed me to taking the car. Before that he told me he wanted nothing to do with it. Well the car cost me 1800 out of the estate money I was suppose to get and stbxah had to put in a lot of money and time into getting it to run.
After driving this car for a year or so and I was going to receive the rest of the estate money I did some dreaming and mentioned getting something different. Well I would get text telling me about different cars. At the time my money was running out -paid off bills, improved house etc and I was uncertain of a lot of things.
Well every time this car broke down I would try to ask if we were putting more into repares than we should. My usual response was a shrug and out the door.
Well the car broke down again last night and I am getting it fixed.
Well dear son decided to comment that I need a new car and I need to get this or that and I should of got one a couple of years ago when they were looking for me. ??? I was not aware I was really serious about a newer car. I needed a better job did not want full coverage etc nothing was ever talked about.
Wth??
I got a car from my parents estate about 5 years ago. I was not in favor of getting it because it was a money pit for my parent and was not working at the time.
My stbxah did summer saults and jumping jacks when it was offered to me and basically committed me to taking the car. Before that he told me he wanted nothing to do with it. Well the car cost me 1800 out of the estate money I was suppose to get and stbxah had to put in a lot of money and time into getting it to run.
After driving this car for a year or so and I was going to receive the rest of the estate money I did some dreaming and mentioned getting something different. Well I would get text telling me about different cars. At the time my money was running out -paid off bills, improved house etc and I was uncertain of a lot of things.
Well every time this car broke down I would try to ask if we were putting more into repares than we should. My usual response was a shrug and out the door.
Well the car broke down again last night and I am getting it fixed.
Well dear son decided to comment that I need a new car and I need to get this or that and I should of got one a couple of years ago when they were looking for me. ??? I was not aware I was really serious about a newer car. I needed a better job did not want full coverage etc nothing was ever talked about.
Wth??
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Cricket.....about your son....look---our children, in general, are products of our very materialistic society. They often want lots of new...newer...shiny things so they can compete with the rest of this materialistic world. The closer they get to the teen years...the worse they get in this respect.
I am wondering if your husband often criticized you or made you the "black sheep" in the family? Did he scapegoat you? If he did....children are like little sponges that absorb and INTERNALIZE everything that they see in the environment. How they see the father treating the mother...is how they learn how to treat females. If it was o,k, for their dad to do...it must be o.k. for them, also....
This is just the question that first came to my mind.....
dandylion
I am wondering if your husband often criticized you or made you the "black sheep" in the family? Did he scapegoat you? If he did....children are like little sponges that absorb and INTERNALIZE everything that they see in the environment. How they see the father treating the mother...is how they learn how to treat females. If it was o,k, for their dad to do...it must be o.k. for them, also....
This is just the question that first came to my mind.....
dandylion
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Yes stbxah has scapegoat me. I get the newer shinier things too. We should of never taken this car, but it did help out at the time. I think some of these comments are to see what I would say and if what they hear is true.
To me everything that has happened between stbxah and myself is total miscommunication and I believe he also would twist things to make him look better, I was unaware of a lot of these things while they were going on.
To me everything that has happened between stbxah and myself is total miscommunication and I believe he also would twist things to make him look better, I was unaware of a lot of these things while they were going on.
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Cricket.....I was frequently scapegoated in my family of origin. My children's father tried to do the same thing with me....So--I know how much it hurts...the criticism and all. (thankfully, I divorced his ass).
I am sure that you didn't realize it.
I think you m ight be right...that sometimes, the kids are looking for what you might respond with. to me...I think it might be reasonable to sit them down and explain your reasoning for your actions, at the time. A neutral explanation of the facts and realities......you certainly don't want to be in the situation of JADE with your kids...or making it a contest between you and their dad....just the facts behind your actions.
This could be teaching moments for the kids (if it is handled right).
***bright idea....maybe you could make it an exercise for you and the kids together...making a list of what they (and you) are thankful for, each and every day. It cold become something that they also internalize to innoculate them from this materialism that permeates our culture...lol.
It could be something you all share with each other over dinner, for example.
dandylion
I am sure that you didn't realize it.
I think you m ight be right...that sometimes, the kids are looking for what you might respond with. to me...I think it might be reasonable to sit them down and explain your reasoning for your actions, at the time. A neutral explanation of the facts and realities......you certainly don't want to be in the situation of JADE with your kids...or making it a contest between you and their dad....just the facts behind your actions.
This could be teaching moments for the kids (if it is handled right).
***bright idea....maybe you could make it an exercise for you and the kids together...making a list of what they (and you) are thankful for, each and every day. It cold become something that they also internalize to innoculate them from this materialism that permeates our culture...lol.
It could be something you all share with each other over dinner, for example.
dandylion
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Hmmm. Well it sounds to me like you have done things to appease your AH rather than do what you want to. Speaking of the car specifically, you didn't want it, he did. How did he "commit" you to taking the car? Because he told someone you would? He can't commit you to anything like that - not really. I'm a little confused it sounds like you mentioned getting a new car, then decided not to? Meanwhile AH and kids were looking for a new car?
I think sometimes we have to own our part too. "We" didn't take the car that was part of an inheritance. It could have been sold.
Getting a Dog without consent of both parties is just selfish thinking and inappropriate. One of the nice things about ending this situation is that you won't have to deal with impulsive choices, or pressure to do things you don't want to.
I think sometimes we have to own our part too. "We" didn't take the car that was part of an inheritance. It could have been sold.
Getting a Dog without consent of both parties is just selfish thinking and inappropriate. One of the nice things about ending this situation is that you won't have to deal with impulsive choices, or pressure to do things you don't want to.
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Originally Posted by Ileana 
Dog hair all over, the upkeep and expense of 3 dogs, feeding, walking, playing. And...I wouldn't have it any other way. They bring so much joy to us.
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I love all pets but am allergic to dogs. We never had a dog until Himself brought one home after a drunken walk (stumble?) around the neighborhood. As the alcoholism progressed, he became completely unreliable so I took over all the feeding, walking, and vet-ing for five long years and uncountable inhalers, boxes of Benadryl, and tubes of hydrocortisone. Even now that he is sober and we are living separately, guess where the dog stays when he is hospitalized? Yup. Yet to this day, I am still The Bad Guy because I wasn't supportive enough when he brought her home. Go figure.
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My X had the nerve to say in front of me not too long ago that he hates pets even though he misses our dog, Oliver. Keep in mind, while we were together he never acted like the dog was anything more than a nuisance to him. He proceeded to say that if you love them they will only be taken away from you anyways. A dig do you think LOL?
I am responsible for two cats and a dog. It's a big financial cost and a lot of work. I get it.
I am responsible for two cats and a dog. It's a big financial cost and a lot of work. I get it.
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