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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Yes, his ability to talk to his daughter is disturbing to me, too.
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In the order that I filed I asked for 0 contact and even put the address for her school in there so he couldn't go pick her up, etc (right now it is moot because he can't bond out because bail it set so high). The judge over ruled all of it and just kept the no contact with me. At that point he only had 2 felony charge, SA has added more including child abuse. I did let the SA know about it and they have requested it be put back in, I'm just waiting for that to happen. SA was also going to pull all of the calls because he is manipulative when he talks to her (I listen to all of the calls on speaker phone and have reported that to SA). Talking about how family always sticks together, etc. Though he has calmed down a good bit when talking to her and is now just sticking to how her day was, etc (most of the time...not all). Mostly he tells her a bed time story so yes, he gets to be all nice about things. Sad thing is I am the one that is paying for all of the phone calls (the judge told me I could set the limit on how much I pay for the calls).
theuncertainty -thank you for the gentle hugs. Physical contact is an odd thing for me right now. I want hugs but they also scare me if I don't know they are coming.
BlackSabbath-I know all to well the "it wasn't so bad" thoughts that can sneak in. And I have not only started making a list of ALL of the things that went on, I also started a compare and contrast list of with him/without him to also remind me how much better off we are at this point.
searching peace -Hugs to you and I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. It is so hard to let go of the person they once were. I just keep reminding myself that I love a ghost. The person I loved is gone and the person that is there now is someone I want to be around.
One thing I am having a hard time with is how to explain addiction to a 7 year old. She is having a hard enough time understanding why "sorry" from Dad doesn't make it better with me. She thinks that because he was sorry he should be able to come home (though she does think he is a bully and is glad that he is not here right now). His dad died from alcohol related complications and he told her that he has the same sickness that killed his Dad (it was great fun trying to calm her down after that.) For now I am just telling her that Daddy made some bad choices, including what she saw, and he is working on getting better.
theuncertainty -thank you for the gentle hugs. Physical contact is an odd thing for me right now. I want hugs but they also scare me if I don't know they are coming.
BlackSabbath-I know all to well the "it wasn't so bad" thoughts that can sneak in. And I have not only started making a list of ALL of the things that went on, I also started a compare and contrast list of with him/without him to also remind me how much better off we are at this point.
searching peace -Hugs to you and I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. It is so hard to let go of the person they once were. I just keep reminding myself that I love a ghost. The person I loved is gone and the person that is there now is someone I want to be around.
One thing I am having a hard time with is how to explain addiction to a 7 year old. She is having a hard enough time understanding why "sorry" from Dad doesn't make it better with me. She thinks that because he was sorry he should be able to come home (though she does think he is a bully and is glad that he is not here right now). His dad died from alcohol related complications and he told her that he has the same sickness that killed his Dad (it was great fun trying to calm her down after that.) For now I am just telling her that Daddy made some bad choices, including what she saw, and he is working on getting better.
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It sounds like you're doing all the right stuff.
You could tell your daughter daddy has lots of problems, one that makes him drink too much, even when he doesn't want to, and another one (the "bullying") that he probably learned from his daddy, and that it's very hard to unlearn what you learned as a kid. You can tell her you want her to know that even though she loves her daddy, and that's wonderful, she should know that it's NEVER, EVER OK to hurt other people--with words or actions. You can also tell her that the police don't allow people to hurt other people, and that's why he's in jail--not because you put him there. This situation gives you lots of opportunities for "teachable moments" that can help her process what's going on now and what will happen when/if the case goes to trial (many cases wind up being plea-bargained, which doesn't mean he's getting away with anything, but given the situation, it's likely he will enter a plea because the proof in your case is so strong). Do your best to tell her it's important for you, and her, to stand up for what is right and not let bullies--even those we love--run the show.
You could tell your daughter daddy has lots of problems, one that makes him drink too much, even when he doesn't want to, and another one (the "bullying") that he probably learned from his daddy, and that it's very hard to unlearn what you learned as a kid. You can tell her you want her to know that even though she loves her daddy, and that's wonderful, she should know that it's NEVER, EVER OK to hurt other people--with words or actions. You can also tell her that the police don't allow people to hurt other people, and that's why he's in jail--not because you put him there. This situation gives you lots of opportunities for "teachable moments" that can help her process what's going on now and what will happen when/if the case goes to trial (many cases wind up being plea-bargained, which doesn't mean he's getting away with anything, but given the situation, it's likely he will enter a plea because the proof in your case is so strong). Do your best to tell her it's important for you, and her, to stand up for what is right and not let bullies--even those we love--run the show.
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Lexie--thank you for the advice. From what I have been able to see he is entering/ has entered a not guilty plea (official arraignment is tomorrow, but his previous court hearings show a not guilty plea being entered when he first got a PD). I have been keeping a sharp eye on his public record. With the kids as witnesses and the police photos of the bruises he is kind of an idiot if he enters a NG plea.
My daughter doesn't know what drinking or alcohol is. That is part that I am not sure how to explain to her. I don't want her to get the impression that because he drank it means he couldn't control his actions (If that makes sense). And you are right, there are a ton of teachable moments in this. We have had a lot of conversations about how hitting is not ok, how it is ok to love someone and be upset with them at the same time, etc. I have been very honest with her therapist and I am keeping lists of things she says so we can address them during her sessions. For example, my son was asking her to put something away (nicely) and she got mad and yelled, "You're acting just like Dad!" I know she doesn't get the scope of all that happened, but somewhere in her she gets it...she is just not sure what that is or how to process it. She will get there, though, it is just going to take time.
My daughter doesn't know what drinking or alcohol is. That is part that I am not sure how to explain to her. I don't want her to get the impression that because he drank it means he couldn't control his actions (If that makes sense). And you are right, there are a ton of teachable moments in this. We have had a lot of conversations about how hitting is not ok, how it is ok to love someone and be upset with them at the same time, etc. I have been very honest with her therapist and I am keeping lists of things she says so we can address them during her sessions. For example, my son was asking her to put something away (nicely) and she got mad and yelled, "You're acting just like Dad!" I know she doesn't get the scope of all that happened, but somewhere in her she gets it...she is just not sure what that is or how to process it. She will get there, though, it is just going to take time.
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Just so you know, EVERY defendant enters a "not guilty" plea at arraignment. All that means is the defendant is putting the State to its proofs, not that he is literally claiming to have done nothing. Most prosecutors will let you know (or they should) if they reach a plea agreement, and will seek your input before it's entered. As the victim in the case, you don't get to make the final decision, but your input should still be considered. It sounds like the SA is maintaining good contact with you, which is great. Be sure they know you want to know before anything important happens. Are you working with an advocate at the SA's office? If not, and they have one, I recommend that you connect with them--they can be VERY helpful as far as making sure you are informed and have any services you might need.
The therapist working with your daughter might be able to help you explain the alcohol part to her.
The therapist working with your daughter might be able to help you explain the alcohol part to her.
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Hexx, I completely understand about the physical contact. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with that. I felt the same way when I started working through everything that went on with AXH.
A book that DS really liked when he was younger was "The Brown Bottle" by Penny Jones. It's geared towards really young kids, but it also helped me start to understand why AXH chose to drink instead of doing anything else.
DS also didn't understand why his dad's sorrys weren't carrying much weight with me. I explained it in terms of breaking a glass: If we break a glass on accident, we can be sorry that we broke it, but it doesn't get un-broken. We could even glue all the pieces together, but it still doesn't make the glass exactly like it was before we dropped it. If some one were to drop one glass and break it, we might let them use another glass. But if they keep breaking glasses, eventually, we might just stop trusting them with glasses. It wouldn't matter if they did it on accident or on purpose; we'd just stop letting them near our glasses. I said it's kind of the same way when some one keeps doing things that hurt us. It's OK to not want to be around them or to not trust them with our feelings anymore.
A book that DS really liked when he was younger was "The Brown Bottle" by Penny Jones. It's geared towards really young kids, but it also helped me start to understand why AXH chose to drink instead of doing anything else.
DS also didn't understand why his dad's sorrys weren't carrying much weight with me. I explained it in terms of breaking a glass: If we break a glass on accident, we can be sorry that we broke it, but it doesn't get un-broken. We could even glue all the pieces together, but it still doesn't make the glass exactly like it was before we dropped it. If some one were to drop one glass and break it, we might let them use another glass. But if they keep breaking glasses, eventually, we might just stop trusting them with glasses. It wouldn't matter if they did it on accident or on purpose; we'd just stop letting them near our glasses. I said it's kind of the same way when some one keeps doing things that hurt us. It's OK to not want to be around them or to not trust them with our feelings anymore.
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Lexie-yes, I do have an advocate at the SA's office (she is wonderful) and we have been in contact a few times. And thanks for clarifying the "not guilty" part. I will give them a call on Monday to see if they have any update from his hearing tomorrow.
In a way, I am lucky. I use to work in the social services field in this area so I know many of the therapist, targeted case managers, etc. in the area. It is nice to see a familiar face in all of this chaos.
theuncertainty -thank you for the book suggestion. And I love your analogy...I use something similar, but with a plate instead of a glass. It is kind of a nice way to explain things without it getting too weighty.
In a way, I am lucky. I use to work in the social services field in this area so I know many of the therapist, targeted case managers, etc. in the area. It is nice to see a familiar face in all of this chaos.
theuncertainty -thank you for the book suggestion. And I love your analogy...I use something similar, but with a plate instead of a glass. It is kind of a nice way to explain things without it getting too weighty.
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[QUOTE="LexieCat;5510029"]Just so you know, EVERY defendant enters a "not guilty" plea at arraignment. All that means is the defendant is putting the State to its proofs, not that he is literally claiming to have done nothing.
Thank for stating that Lexi. When my husband plead not guilty, no one had explained that to me and I felt like he had hit me all over again in that court room. I couldn't go through with having to go to court and prove the abuse and have my life on display. I thought he was saying he didn't abuse me with the "not guilty." It felt like he was daring me to stand up for myself. I think a few times he said he was going to drag me through hell in that courtroom. My advocate was there. It is scary how much they don't explain to victims and the misinformation out there.
Thank for stating that Lexi. When my husband plead not guilty, no one had explained that to me and I felt like he had hit me all over again in that court room. I couldn't go through with having to go to court and prove the abuse and have my life on display. I thought he was saying he didn't abuse me with the "not guilty." It felt like he was daring me to stand up for myself. I think a few times he said he was going to drag me through hell in that courtroom. My advocate was there. It is scary how much they don't explain to victims and the misinformation out there.
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Yeah, the "not guilty" plea really amounts to a formality, just so the defense attorney has a chance to review the discovery (police reports, statements, photos, whatever other evidence there may be) before working out a plea or preparing for trial (as the case may be). It just means, whoa, let's see what the State has, then we can decide what we should do. I've had cases that pled very early, and a few that pled as we were picking the jury. I know some cases plead in the midst of trial. Anything is possible.
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Yes always a not guilty plea. it kind of makes me laugh (though in reality not funny) in a recent murder here the defendant who was caught in the act by the police plead not guilty. Huh?
I am so sorry for what you endured. I am glad you are alive. I hope this man goes to jail for a very, very long time.
I am so sorry for what you endured. I am glad you are alive. I hope this man goes to jail for a very, very long time.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Yes always a not guilty plea. it kind of makes me laugh (though in reality not funny) in a recent murder here the defendant who was caught in the act by the police plead not guilty. Huh?
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Thank you for the clarification on this. It is helpful.
searching peace --that is how I felt when we went to court for the restraining order. He was in the court room ( I didn't look at him). I said what I had to say to the judge and then it was his turn. He completely made up this huge fabrication of events. He rambled on for over 30 minutes, all the while lying through his teeth. I kept it together though and never said a word while he was talking. I just couldn't believe how much he sat there and lied. I know he was scrambling to make himself not look bad, but still....I was like..are you crazy? Afterward he asked the judge if "no matter how many people needed to be there, and if she ok with it, can I talk to her for 5 minutes?" The judge looked right at him and stated "you do know what no contact means, right?" My heart kind of broke for him (I'm not going to lie). Here is this man who is such a gifted artist and super smart, scrambling like he has no idea what is going on (and he didn't). Part of me even still feels bad talking ill of him like this (I'm having a codie night, I guess.)
Even after everything, I don't wish him any ill will. I do want him to get better. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy. We won't be happy together, but that doesn't mean I hate him or wish any bad to happen to him.
searching peace --that is how I felt when we went to court for the restraining order. He was in the court room ( I didn't look at him). I said what I had to say to the judge and then it was his turn. He completely made up this huge fabrication of events. He rambled on for over 30 minutes, all the while lying through his teeth. I kept it together though and never said a word while he was talking. I just couldn't believe how much he sat there and lied. I know he was scrambling to make himself not look bad, but still....I was like..are you crazy? Afterward he asked the judge if "no matter how many people needed to be there, and if she ok with it, can I talk to her for 5 minutes?" The judge looked right at him and stated "you do know what no contact means, right?" My heart kind of broke for him (I'm not going to lie). Here is this man who is such a gifted artist and super smart, scrambling like he has no idea what is going on (and he didn't). Part of me even still feels bad talking ill of him like this (I'm having a codie night, I guess.)
Even after everything, I don't wish him any ill will. I do want him to get better. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy. We won't be happy together, but that doesn't mean I hate him or wish any bad to happen to him.
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I'm so sorry you experienced that. At least the judge stood behind the no contact order. I have seen many here that should know better as it pertains to their jobs, but don't know the exact limitations of a protection order and give bad and dangerous advice based on ignorance. Don't feel bad for this man! He didn't feel bad for you when he was hurting you in front of your children. That has been my downfall and I would imagine many other people's downfalls also, feeling sorry for them and being remorseful for protecting yourself from their abuse.
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Originally Posted by hexx
My daughter doesn't know what drinking or alcohol is. That is part that I am not sure how to explain to her.
I just wanted to comment on what you said above as I recently talked to my then 7 year old (now 8 year old) son about his Dad's drinking.
His Dad was supposed to come over for a visit one Saturday afternoon in June but instead sent me a text that he was too hungover to stop by. I started telling my son about how his Dad wouldn't be over because he needed to sleep and that lead to questions about why Daddy sleeps so much, etc. so I figured it was time to finally be honest. We talked about what alcohol is - a grown up drink - and I explained that some people have something similar to an allergic reaction to alcohol in that once they start drinking they have a hard time stopping. I told him that many people don't have that reaction and can drink a little alcohol, enjoy it and then stop but that his Dad is the type that has a hard time stopping. I went on that when that happens he sometimes makes some bad choices and he also has to sleep a lot to get it out of his system. I emphasized that it wasn't anything we caused and that there wasn't anything we could do about it - it's his Dad's choice. I asked him if he had any questions - he didn't - so I told him that he could ask me anything, anytime and I would be honest. And that was it.
I'm sure there were things I could have said better but I felt that at his age and maturity level this was something he could process.
Again, just so sorry for what you are going through. (((Hugs)))
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Thanks for the advice, I like that idea. I talked to her counselor and she didn't have any ideas on how to explain it, either. She did suggest reaching out to local AlAnon/AlAteen grps to see if they have any books they recommend.
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