And I'm Back
 

I guess I am not a special snow flake after all....

Reader's Digest Version: AH arrested for DV in Dec 2012. He got out and we reconciled. Honeymoon period lasted for 1 year while he was on probation. Last week of probation he started drinking again. Fast forward to increased daily drinking which, of course, lead to increasing verbal, sexual, and physical violence. The increased violence led to increased isolationism...to the point he didn't want me taking our daughter to the store with me in case she said anything at the wrong time which might trigger someone to start looking behind closed doors.

Fast forward to Father's Day Weekend and he goes on a 3 day binge that ends up with him punching my so many times in the lower back that he broke my tail bone, tried to break my fingers, then tried to cut them off with scissors and stab me in the back of the hand. He threw me to the floor and tried to stab me in the back of the head. I had to have my 19 yr old son call 911. My 7 yr old daughter witnessed the whole thing and filled out a police report.

It took a SWAT team 45 minutes to get him out of the house once the kids and I climbed out of a bedroom window to get away from him.

He is looking at 5 felony charges.

This time around I have gotten a restraining/no contact order (the judge amended it so he could call and talk to our daughter). I have packed up all of his stuff and put most of the boxes in the garage. My daughter is in therapy and my son and I got in two weeks (It took over a month to get an appointment). The State's Attrny's office is on speed dial and have sworn statements from me and the kids.

I'm not living in "what if" land this time. I keep pictures of the bruises on my phone to remind me why I am doing this. I am keeping all of his messages to other women (as sick as they are) to remind me why I am doing this. I look at my kids and how hurt, but finally happy, they are to remind me why I am doing this.

He got his second chance...and he blew it.

I'm sorry you and your children had to go through all that again. The good news is, you never have to relive that horror. It's good that you finally see that nothing ever changes if nothing changes. Keeping your children and yourself safe is the most important thing. Glad you came back.

I'm so very happy you and your children are safe, now. That is a horribly scary scene you all had to endure.

I'm also glad you are availing yourself of the available help out there.

I guess I wasn't around when you were here the first time. I've worked in the DV field for many years (retired prosecutor, now still working in DV), and if there's anything I can ever help you with, please feel free to PM me. I can't offer legal advice but I know quite a bit about the system and what's available in the way of resources to help you and your kids recover.

Many hugs, so glad you made it out alive.

Just one other thing--if you get phone calls, letters, or anything like that from him, be sure to let the prosecutor know. Batterers are very inclined to attempt to manipulate or intimidate, even when they are locked up, and calls, letters, etc., can be important evidence in the case.

Thanks! I have been reading over things here for the past few weeks and finally found it within myself to post. LexieCat, thank you for the advice. I am keeping a log of all of the phone calls (he tried to call 14 times in one day while I was at work), as well as all of the letters, notes, etc. he has sent. Suki, thanks for the welcome back...it took me awhile to find my log in information for the site but I know it has so many wonderful resources. Its nice to know I am not alone in this.

One thing that I did find after he left was a threat assessment tool that many therapists use. I took the assessment and, with the number of questions I answered, I fell in to the category where 94% of victims were met with near lethal or lethal violence. That scared the crud out of me.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around everything that happened. I don't understand the need to drink. I do know that I couldn't "love him sober" and at the end of everything I didn't do anything to cause it (I'm still kind of working on convincing myself that I didn't aggravate the situation...but I'm getting there).

Hexx, you had an angel on your shoulder, keeping you alive. I pray that you stay safe and away from your baby Daddy.

You need to work a program and get mentally and physically well. Take this time and build up who you were meant to be!! Its hard work but you are so worth it for you and your kids.

Glad you and your kids are safe!! Hugs my friend!!

Something else you need to know, hexx, is that alcoholism and abuse are two completely separate problems. Even if he became more violent when he drank, the power and control that lie at the bottom of abusive relationships is something that exists separate and apart from the drinking. Getting him sober wouldn't keep you safe--not reliably so, and it wouldn't prevent him from nursing grudges and undermining you in subtle ways in an attempt to control you.

In short, even when he's not drinking, he poses a threat to you.

I got an email today from someone I used to work with, about a case one of my former colleagues tried a few months ago. A young teenaged girl was shot in the face by her father, who then tried unsuccessfully to shoot the girl's stepfather. She is paralyzed for life. Domestic violence ends in tragedy so often.

Thanks. I got very lucky that it wasn't worse. And you are right, I do need to work a program (hopefully therapist will have some ideas on that ) and get myself back on track. After 10 years together, I may not know who I am anymore but at least I know who I am not.

LexieCat, you are so right. The violence is there all the time, the alcohol just "gives him permission" to let it out. For awhile I lived in the "it's only when he is drinking" mind set. Since he was arrested this time around I have started making mental note of all of the things he did while he was sober that were not ok.

I use to get so disappointed in him when he drank. All of the broken promises, the false hope, and down right lies he told about his drinking. I know he was drinking "at me", but sometimes it felt that way. There were times when he was though...that he would get more alcohol just to make me upset (which is part of the abuse, I am sure).

Hello Hexx, glad you are back here.

stay safe!

Wow. Just wow. What an incredibly angry n disturbed man.

You sound strong. I am very glad you and your children made it through that. You are smart to keep pictures and texts to remind yourself. I know with myself I tend to only focus on the positive and I have a nack for forgetting all of the abuse and all of the things that have occurred. I think it is part of my survival skills. In my head I know how wrong and abusive my husband is, but I cannot seem to come to terms with it. I am glad you have come to terms and are safe. The police told me to contact them every time my husband attempted to contact me after the order of protection. They wanted to write up each and every time so that he would be charged for each time. I didn't do what I should have, and I regret that. I hope you have a strong support system and I hope you will stay strong in your convictions. I hope and pray you and your children never have to be near that monster again.

Hugs, prayers, and more hugs. And some Kleenex.

Why does he need to speak to your daughter? She witnessed it, and he gets to act all daddy nice nice to her? He's her first role model for how a woman should be treated. In my opinion she's too young to process this while the psychological wounds are so fresh. Perhaps this is something you might want to address with a counsellor or therapist.

Never lose those texts and pictures. Start a journal and make a list of every horrible thing he's done. When you're feeling weak (oh you know that feeling, the one of 'maybe it wasn't so bad...maybe it was me' - read that list. Just telling you what keeps me afloat when those silly thoughts creep in. You sound strong and realistic. I wish you the best in this - I understand that despite the abuse, there's the man you love but releasing him is your best option right now.

Omigod I am so glad you all got away from that monster! God bless you!

Yes, his ability to talk to his daughter is disturbing to me, too. Was that something you agreed to, or did the judge order it over your objection? This is the same child that had to climb out a WINDOW to escape, as the SWAT team surrounded the house. You can bet he will manipulate her in those phone calls--she is a witness, and he knows it. I'd try to put a stop to that, and if the judge insists, be sure the prosecutor's office knows he is talking to her on the phone. The prosecutor's office can usually get audio recordings of calls made from the jail.

Talk with an advocate, or if you have a civil attorney for the protective order, talk to him or her about stopping that communication.

Terrifying! I am so glad you and the kids are away - I hope they put him away for a long, long time. Stay safe - eyes open - report EVERYTHING! I hope you have tons of strong support around you. Sending you peace - and a quick ending to all that!

I'm with Lexie (always.) Please find a way to stop his communication with a seven year old child who is terrified of him. That seems really crazy.

Sending gentle hugs, if OK, Hexx. I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through.

I am so sorry Hexx, you did not deserve to go through that, and your children did not deserve to see it!

Sending you much love and light. Keep posting, you are not alone!