Bookaboo2

My ABF has disappeared and I know what that means he's out drinking. I went to see my therapist today and was talking about how am struggling with everything going on in my life. How here lately it takes everything in me to just breathe. How am not capable of validating his needs or being supportive for him. I even admitted that am very Co dependent on my ABF and he on me. I told him am reading Co dependent no more and how it's hard to keep reading it but I am. He told me am doing everything that I can to take care of myself. After the appointment I went over to my ABF house bc we were suspose to go to lunch. His car was not there just his parents cars. I went and ran some errands and came back he still wasn't there and not answering his cell phone or text. I went home and I knew in my heart of hearts what was happening at that point. I called my sponsor today for the first time. I hve had her number for a month now and nvr called. We talked briefly and I told her that I will call her tomorrow. She told me that she's been thinking about me and she is glad I called. I also called my therapist and made a appt to see him in the morning. SR why can't I leave this man alone. I know mentally that I should runaway,but my heart won't let me. I feel so ashamed for still calling him to see if he is okay. I feel so stupid to think he will get better and everything will change back to the way it used to be. I feel like if I walk away from him I will nvr find another man to love me so I misewell stay with him. Am relapsing myself in my feelings just like he is with ETOH

jjj111

So sorry you are suffering with this feeling of being responsible for him. I'm sure on some level that you know that he is a grown man and responsible for himself, but maybe there is something deeper at work. In my case, I have realized that growing up with two alcoholics as parents taught me to deny my own needs, ignore bad behavior, and try to save people. I think many of us here are adult children of alcoholics or addicts. Maybe there is something in your background keeping you stuck? You can move past this with time and determination. Seeing a therapist is a good step. Al-Anon, reaching out to friends, trying not to isolate and keep some perspective can all help.

LexieCat

You are showing this man that he can treat you any way he pleases and you will give him chance after chance after chance to come around when it suits him or ignore you or push you away when it doesn't.

YOU are getting NOTHING from this relationship but pain and heartache, and the thing is, you're the one who is inviting that kind of treatment.

So you find out he's OK, you have more conversations about how he is going to do this or that, and the same thing happens over and over and over again. Ever see the movie Groundhog Day? You're living it.

With all due respect to your therapist, you aren't doing EVERYTHING you can do to take care of yourself. You can stop allowing yourself to be treated badly. This push-pull, I'll-do-this, one-more-chance routine isn't helping yourself. He isn't dropping the rope in this tug-of-war, so you're going to have to be the one to do it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

TryGuy

My story (sexes reversed) is very similar gcolema, I know it doesn't change things but maybe to know that the patterns and behavior you are seeing are all part of the disease and the games they play because of it, not because of you directly, may bring you some peace. I know for me it meant a lot to see that I was not alone, and that the things that were said and done were actually just the usual quacking.

When we broke up (the first time) I recall the relief of having it totally out of sight out of mind, and the agony when we were still in contact being so much greater.

maia1234

Because he is your addiction and you are getting your fix.

The sooner you abstain from your addiction, you will mend. No different then him abstaining from alcohol. It's hard work and you have to want to do it. You just are not ready yet.

BoxinRotz

You were just fine before you met him n you'll be just fine without him. Just as he survived Just fine without you, he's showing you he certainly doesn't need you if he's out drinking n living it up without you.

We have no idea what the future holds so you can not sit here n say no other will love you. You don't know that. But I can tell you What I do know... You need to find yourself n love yourself first n foremost. Don't lose yourself to this man's selfish disease.

Bookaboo2

Thank yall for just saying the hard facts. Once I leave this madness alone in my life it will improve. I respect honesty and I need to hear it.

Ap052183

Ive read that our codependent obsession serves the same purpose as alcohol does for the alcoholic. Controlling, monitoring, caring, set off neurotransmitters that make us feel relaxed and in control. They are our drug. I still obsess over my ex in the way that he's on my mind constantly.
I figured out for me...and maybe this is the case for you...I don't really know appropriate love. Instead I'm more comfortable caring for. This guy isn't showing you love it seems. Being available, responsible, and dependable show love. If I were you I'd go over what love means to you. If he fits the bill that's great...if not you need to love yourself since he's not willing to.