Rella927

for a certain amount of time before someone actually will throw any sort of advice to you? Or it is that you have to be someone that is abusing rather than dealing with someone abusing? :tounge-in

I'm new here and do not want to offend anyone but ......

I have written a few times and have been disregarded with any sort of advice on what to do with my situation. I have gained alot of insight on others threads and I'm glad that I was able to at least get some kind of support or understanding on what I'm dealing with myself. Thank you!

Lorelai

Not at all Rella !
I'm sorry you're feeling ignored - I'm sure no one intended to ignore you.

Sometimes people post in the middle of an "already going" thread. Most people responding to a thread are responding to the person who originally started it.

I'm sure that, since you've started your own thread, you'll get response.

We don't really offer advice here (most of the time). But there is a lot of support and a lot of experience shared that may help you to make your own decisions about what you should do.
Glad you're here -
L

Chy

Hi Rella!

Given that this only your second thread, there is not going to be many responses yet. What happens in Newcomers, is that so many posts get started they disapperar quickly, and people typically don't scroll back a few day's to see what is what. So you did good by starting a post here. This is also a very fast paced forum, so don't get discouraged!

Additionally, it's been very quiet around here the last couple of days! Keep coming back, and by all means keep posting.

Sandy Marie

Hi Rella,
I need to go back and read your original thread. Welcome to SR.

Magichappens

Hi rella,
I must have missed reading your situation, but I have seen you on a couple of other people's threads. Welcome to SR. I am looking forward to getting to know you. If you start a thread in Friends and Families about your situation, I am sure that you will get plenty of response. Weekends are not as hopping as the weekdays and weeknights. Give us a chance and I am sure you will find us very responsive. Hugs, Magic

Rella927

Thank you everyone! (((hugs))))

Sandy Marie

bikewench

Hey Rella....

I just finished reading your story on the Newcomers thread... ;o)

I won't give you any advice... ;o).. but I will share my experience, strength and hope with you.


I've realized only a few days ago... that even though I thought I had dealt with many of my childhood issues during the 16 years I've been in recovery... I never really understood the dynamics of Co-dependancy.

As I read your story... I found myself nodding at the familiar refrain...

The thing is... codependancy is expressed in two ways... using and trying to control the user. Sometimes the control part doesn't manifest until we enter a relationship with a user... which it looks like you did.

There's a very apt saying I heard once...

"I'm not in a relationship... so I only have half of my character defects.... " ;o)

This is true. Things get triggered in us... triggers to use... triggers to try to control. Sounds like you got triggered in the control part of Co-dep.

I had to start looking for answers again around my inability to give up my need for control of the addict. Obsession with the behaviour of my addict is my drug in this case.

It lets me mood alter... while at the same time it tears my life apart .....just like if I was using...

In other words...
I can expect my user to quit using... when I myself can quit fretting about his using.

Both are drugs of a form. Both take and make one's life a living hell.

StandingStrong

There are often times that I come here and read the posts but do not reply. Sometimes I come looking for that understanding that I know each of you have of my own personal situation. Other times it is because I feel that I need to be here for me and read the posts that are offered. Sometimes I come here because I've been absent a few days and want to see how everyone is doing.
Most of the time, I don't reply also because I have no words of wisdom to give. Or have no personal experience with something that someone is going through. Other days, I have other reasons for which I don't reply as well.

But no.........you don't have to be here for any kind of amount of time or anything of the sort. There are days that the posts seem to be high in number and alot of posts get pushed down to the bottom or 2nd page quickly - other times there doesn't seem to be a lot of people here (especially on the weekends) so posts don't get replied too.

But rest assured, you are welcome here! Keep posting and you'll soon realize what a wonderful group of people are here at SR.

KelKel

Hi Rella
Just wanted to say welcome and let you know that we are glad you are here.

cwohio

((((rella)))) - ditto to all of the above. welcome and please come back often.

cwohio

Rose56

Welcome Rella,
I am also a "Jersey Girl", but transplanted in NC right now. I just wanted to say welcome and to assure you that we care and will respond. I agree with what the other folks have said. Just keep posting and we will respond and share with you. But no advice, that was so refreshing when I first came. Because really few people want to be told what to do, somewhere inside we know what is best for us and must follow our own path. Take heart, you have started down the path that will transform you. It will not however, give you easy solutions. But it does work, I can attest to that. Hang in there.

TinyVoice

Hey there....I had to hunt for your post in Newcomers. I haven't been on the board for a while. I've been living my own little turmoil that sounds SO much like yours.

I am not a child of an alcoholic but my mom is an incest survivor and there is SO much of the same baggage with that. Here is my story. Hope it helps.

My ASO and I met a year ago and had a world wind romance. I fell hard (but mainly I just wanted and needed a man at that time in my life). There were hints of problems from the beginning that I ignored. He called me a lot. Which at first felt good...felt like lots of attention. Then it became annoying. Then it became controlling. He became very controlling and jealous. And as our love grew deeper...he seemed to get worse. I couldn't figure that out.

He didn't want me to go on a trip with my daughter's school group. I went anyway and he threatened me and talked ridiculously. If I didn't answer his phone calls right away he left nasty messages using horrible language. He tracked me down one night because I didn't answer the cell phone. That was ONE of the many in a series of last straws.

I felt that his personality changed the isntant he started drinking. He didn't have to be drunk and actually rarely got drunk. At first he got drunk more often. He always drank a LOT of beer.....a 12 pack at least a night. Sometimes more. And occasionally when he wanted to get drunk....hard alcohol. But mainly he seemed perfectly fine but his blood alcholol level had to be high.

He also would comment on my wardrobe...if it was too revealing in his mind. And complain constantly that i never paid him enough attention. He wanted reassurances about his sexual performance constantly. He was jealous of my children even. He didn't like any of my friends. He didn't mind if I talked to my sister on the phone...but my friends he did not approve of.

To add to the picture...there was always some kind of drama in our lives. His son got his 2nd DUI. His daughter came to visit and she is wilder than heck. She told my 2 daughters all kinds of stories about her sexual escapades and she was allowed to smoke and drink at 16. NOT what my kdis are used to. There were fights between his older son and my younger daughers. There was some questionable behavior between his adult son and my minor daughters. There were fights over racist comments, sexual innuendo, beliefs and values like homosexuality, politics, etc. and not healthy arguments or debates. My daughter likes to think of herself as a democrat. His comment: democrats are commumists and should be shot. Healthy comments form a grown man to a teenaged girl, don't you think??

When he and I would argue...things would come out of my mouth that I would never have dreamed of saying. His anger and hatred and insecurity was unreal. So, my point? I totally understand. He was in total denial about his drinking. As a matter of fact we were never allowed to speak of it. I couldn't take any more. I asked him to move out numerous times. He did a couple of times...or just stay away for a night or two. and I would take him back. Cause when he was sober, he was a great guy. He could be a really loving caring intelligent man. But then at other times...I didn't know him or trust him or care for him at all. I still don't understand it all. But I just know I had to get away from it as it was tearing me apart. I gained weight. I couldnt' sleep. I was obsessing. I was doing a poor job at work. I was losing interest in sex. I began lying to him. All signs that this just was not right.

I still do not udnerstand how I can still to this day love him so much. Yet have NO desire or ability to be with him. His daughter once told me that it almsot seemed like he was two people. I now understand what she meant.

Well that is my story. I think you have to not get sucked into his drama. And if you aren't happy and at peace. NOTHING is worht staying in that situaiton. IF he is going to change...then let him change and come back to you. You don't need to be there for him to change his life. and you don't need him to take you down with the ship. But you probably know all of that.

I feel a HUGE sense of relief that all the drama is gone frmo my life. Well not ALL...I do have two teenaged girls. But I'll take teenagers any day over an alcoholic. You haven't seen drama til you've lived with an alcoholic in denial.

hugs to you

Rella927

[I]Magic, KelKel,Chris,Sandie, Bikewench,Tinyvoice anyone that I missed thank you so much!

Tinyvoice you hit home with most everything that I feel.....-the children and living with him! Yes I do know it but the thing is ...hearing it from others I think it what we need to actually see it fully that we are pulling ourselves somehow back into a co-dependency mode...for one reason or another ....mine I have determined is fear! Fear that I know or rather expect to happen when I do what I need to do and walk away from him until he decides what he wants to do with his life...change or not change! His choice! Everything that you said holds true in this situation too....the excessive phone calls if you do not pick up because you just do not want to deal with it....the accusations bluh bluh bluh...reading what you wrote was like looking in a mirror! I went to counseling tonight and was told that I need to put my foot down and stick to what I told him...and that is that we are not going to be seeing much of each other and that when he is drunk I will not talk to him. Again ...the reason behind picking up the phone when he calls and knowing that he is drunk is that "fear" kicking in or rather the "omg if I do not pick it up I have to listen to the nasty messages and the phone ringing all night ...or the drive by's" but the reality of it all is that NO I do not have to deal with all that because I can turn off the phone, delete the messages ......and not worry if he is driving by or not! It is now going to be myself listiening to myself and my wants and needs because for a few weeks there I fell into as you put it so well ...his drama! The "12 pack of beer a night" wow the mirror again! The funny thing is they do not even think that we realize when they are drunk! The voice changes, the mood, the anger, the accusations, etc...........come out-just plain annoying. The funny thing is we all seem to say the same thing too- we "like the sober guy" and I feel that is also a part of keeping us hooked! I know what I need to do and "stomp" will put my foot down for MYSELF!

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts , advice everything! I'm so glad that I did find this place ...for the short time (I think 4 days) I have been here it is just totally amazing how much we all can share and learn from each other from all different levels.

I also must add that Marti placed a article on here and it was the best well said defintion of a Co-dependent that I ever have seen! http;//www.angriesout.com/family1.htm Codependency--Hooked On Rescuing. It covers all the bases! Kudos Marti!

Thank you everyone again (((Hugs)))

Rella927

If It Hurts All the Time, It Ain't Love <---------- correction that it the name of the article! Sorry Marti!!
Actually the entire site is just awesome reading!!!

TinyVoice

and my ASO kept telling me that when I wanted to break up....I was bailing. That relationships were work and why didn't i want to work on US. Well, hmmmmm, let me see. Yes relationships ARE work......but the rest of my life in chains working hard labor just didn't quite appeal to me. You know???

I am VERY willing to work at a relationship. True...I tend to flee when I have to confront someone. True...conflict makes me very uncomfortable. BUT...our lives were a pattern. We couldn't have too many days in a row without trauma. We just didn't know how to live peacefully and happy. SO....that was all I could do. I had put my time in. I was done.

And yes, FEAR runs a good deal of my life, too. I can totally relate to that. I am a very fearful person. Afraid of failure, afraid of making mistakes, afraid of looking stupid, etc. So sometimes I am so fearful that I won't measure up to some men...that I am attracted to the ones with even MORE baggage than me. Then I KNOW we are equal and I won't be the man in the "down" position. Does that make sense??

I have gotten over my need for a man. I am a very lonely person without a man to love. I do have my kids and I love them a great deal. But I have a strong need to be intimate with someone. Not just sex.......but a real connection and lots of hugs. I miss that most of all. We did have that.....at least when I played the game according to HIS rules. If I didn't ....then that is when we argued. I began to find myself "faking" my life. Pretending not to be bothered. Pretending to want him jsut to not make waves. I was hating it. And at first I believed his threats. A good friend of mine told me he was just bluffing. but I wasn't sure. He threatened a friend of mine, my job and my daughter. Not physically but with situations that would have embarrassed. Sure enough when I called his bluff........NOTHING.

cwohio

rella - good for you! you are right - the jekyll and hyde syndrome seems to be a common thread. good luck to you and we are here for you and each other!!!

cwohio

Magichappens

Rella,
Back atcha sweetie. No matter what decisions we make about our situations, we are learning that we have the choice and the responsibility. We also don't have to go through it alone. That is an awesome thing.

Tiny,
What you are going through is tough. There are some things that can help. Getting involved with Al-Anon, and seeking individual therapy were some tools that have helped me. Loneliness is a powerful emotion. Don't let it drive you. There are options that can help.
To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/, and select Find a Meeting. Hugs, Magic

osier59

The Jeckyl and Hyde thing? Boy can I relate. My kids and I had names for both of the personalities. They were that distinct. When the kids came home from school - his AND mine - the first question out of their mouths was either "What kind of mood is Daddy in today?" or "Which one are we dealing with today?" because his mood swings and violent temper and rages set the tone for the rest of the day.

I am so happy to be out of that nightmare. His kids have disowned him and have had no contact with him since 1995. My sons and I live in peace and serenity now that we are no longer participants in that sick drama.

My A? He lives alone as no one related to him will have anything to do with him.

Rella927

The Jeckyl and Hyde thing Osier is hard thing to deal with ourselves and our relationship with that person but, for a child to have to endure that kind of uncertain pattern in their life as I did, many did and your children had too it is just the most heart wrenching thing of the Jeckyl and Hyde person. We as adults have a bit more strength to pull ourselves in the right direction with alot of work involved mind you but a child to have to endure the thoughts of not knowing what to do or say to someone that is a parent figure is just not something easy to heal from. (((Hugs))) to you and everyone that has so openly shared with me on this thread-and as Magic said "we are learning that we have the choice and the responsibility. We also don't have to go through it alone." KUDOS!

And yes Tiny I agree with Magic about the Al-anon meetings....are a great option! I currently am in counseling and have been for years-it is always a nice thing to go and just let off stem-on a person who is safe (kind of like this place) there are times I go and we just talk about the weather and have coffee! Those are the days I know and feel the progress that I have made! I myself have to take the advice of magic and return to the Al-anon meetings as they truly are a great resource as well! I can honestly say that even when I'm alone without someone in my life, I do not feel alone because I'm content with it! I rather be alone and happy than be with someone and feel alone! (that saying holds true!)

(((HUGS)))) again to everyone for making me feel much better than when I started this thread! Beautiful people in here! I wish nothing but happiness and strength to all )¸.·´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x °¤·¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.x¤º°°)¸.· ´´¯)°°¤¸·:·.x°¤ ·Â¸(¯` ´·.¸¨:·.