Persephone3

Hi everyone.

I've been married to my AH for almost 13 years. I really want to leave because of his near constant verbal and emotional abuse. The house is in my name, but he refuses to go anywhere. I live in a really high cost of living area and I can't afford another place to live right now. I'd like to take the kids to my family's house, but that is 6 hours away and I'm afraid I'd get in legal trouble for potentially alienating them from their father.

He's not been physically abusive to the extent that there would be any legal proof (mostly just fists in my face, shoving, etc.) There isn't proof of his alcoholism either (no DUIs or arrests or anything like that).

My kids are only 9 and 7 and he is abusive to them as well. I need to get us out of here, but I feel so trapped. Has anyone gotten out of a situation like this?

SparkleKitty

Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence. Please consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and advice as you work through this. Sending you strength and hugs. It's a wonderful decision you've made to put your safety and your children's safety first. You have options, even though I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Part of this dynamic is the abuser making the abused feel trapped and isolated. Please reach out and call as soon as you can. These people are experts and they truly care.

1-800-799-7233

dandylion

Persephone.....I want to second the advice that SparkleKitty just gave you.
Milllions of people have gotten out of the situation that you describe.
You need support and not to feel so isolated.
Speaking in confidence with a DV counselor is a good starting place.

Please continue to post here...let us know how you are doing.

dandylion

Wisconsin

A third vote for contacting the DV hotline, with a follow up for a free consultation with a local divorce attorney. You will get some great free guidance on your options and what you can expect. Available options vary widely from state to state. For example, in Wisconsin, you can file for divorce and simultaneously file for a no harassment order, which prohibits the harassing spouse from returning to the marital residence. No physical abuse required.

atalose

I think when we’ve only equated “domestic violence” to physical abuse it’s hard to hear that term related to “our” situations and verbal abuse.

But abuse is abuse and it really couldn’t hurt you to reach out and talk to someone on a hotline who may offer you some really sound advice.

It also couldn’t hurt to have a consult with an attorney to see what you are dealing with in separating/divorce and getting him out of the home. I know many attorneys will offer a free consultation so it may be well worth your while.

theuncertainty

Hi, Persephone, I have. You're ahead of me, though, on realizing that he's emotionally and verbally abusive. It took me quite a while away from him before I saw that about AXH.

DS was 3 when I left. We moved into a small 1-bedroom apartment when I left and then later moved in with my sister and her family. We stayed with her for a couple years, until I got to a point that I could afford to live on my own here. I'll always be grateful to her and her family for that safe haven.

After leaving AXH, I'd started seeing a counselor specializing in addictions, so I could learn how to communicate with AXH (read that "so I could figure out what I was doing wrong when talking to AXH, because he always twisted up everything I said and made it feel like I'd said something wrong or confusing or stupid or....) She's the one who told me to contact the local DV resource. I finally did, and I've never regretted talking with them. They offer so much more than just shelter: there's support groups, they help with safety plans, they can point you to other counseling or legal services. Just being able to talk to people who understand was HUGE. (They'll never tell you that you HAVE to leave.)

Can I note here that shoving _is_ physical violence. I'd always said that AXH was never physically violent, but he would physically restrain me from walking away when he was yelling at me, and he did other things, too. He just never hit me, so I never thought any of it as physical abuse. (I still catch myself thinking 'he was never physically abusive,' which is so not true.)

Please do consider talking with the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or local resource if you know it.

As long as you continue to allow your AH access to the kids and don't tear him down in front of them, you can't be 'alienating' them from him. And that's another point where I relied on help from the DV advocates and my counselor: how to safety plan with DS so he knew how to get help if he ever felt unsafe at his Dad's. (What do you do if there's a fire? - Get out, go to the neighbor have them call 911. What do you do if there's someone scary in the house, a burglar or some one else who's dangerous? What if you can't get to the door out? - Grab the phone, run to a room you can lock and call 911. What do you tell them? That I'm at ### ABC Street, I'm 5, and there's a bad person here and I need help.) -- They helped me come up with ways to talk about it so I _wasn't_ saying "when your dad is drunk and being mean....", but still gave DS the tools he'd need.

While he did got to a 28-day in-patient program, AXH has never gotten a DUI or been arrested. I had notes and dates for incidents I could remember and I had financial records (receipts or bank statements showing massive amounts spent at liquor stores). Then while we were living separately, I had a calendar that outlined his spotty visitation record.

Getting away safely is possible. ((((hugs)))) Wishing you peace and continued strength.

LexieCat

You've already gotten a lot of great advice. I'll just add this. I've worked in the field of domestic violence for a very long time. Depending on where you live, the conduct you describe could be sufficient to get a protective order, which would REQUIRE him to leave, and also to pay child support and possibly other kinds of support. It isn't like a criminal case--nothing has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt. The court only needs to find your testimony more persuasive than his denial.

Whether you decide to pursue an order or not, talking with an advocate as well as a divorce attorney will give you lots of valuable information. Some of it you may never need, some of it you may tuck away in your mind for future reference. Advocates can also help with safety planning. As the others here pointed out, shoving, restraining, and similar actions ARE physical abuse. And FWIW, I've had some victims of horrendous physical abuse tell me that the verbal and emotional abuse was harder to heal from.

Being around any kind of violence--verbal, emotional, or physical, is also TERRIBLE for children. Please start taking some steps to keep yourself and your kids safe. A lawyer can advise you on your right to move with them, too.

Praying

As someone who didn't believe there was abuse...when I finally followed advice and called the DV number, I was shocked at the extent of abuse I had endured. I thought "I'd be wasting their time, this isn't real abuse." I was dead wrong. It's usually way more than you think it is. Please think about the DV comments--it ultimately saved my sanity and helped me heal. All types of abuse leave you wounded and vulnerable, and I never would have reached out without urges from others.

Hugs and prayers to you. You are not alone.