Al-Anon in a small town
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Al-Anon in a small town
There is only one meeting per week in my whole county. I know or know of just about everyone I’ve ever seen in a meeting. I’ve lived in this county most of my life, and have been a Social Worker here for nine years, so I know a lot of people in some capacity.
I was recently “introduced” by my dad at a baseball game to one of the regular attendees. Apparently my dad has known him for years. Didn’t know that.
After a meeting a couple of weeks ago, a first-time Al-anon attendee and RA came up to me and said, “I just want you to know that I know who you are, I know your AH from jail. I wanted you to know I would never say anything to him. I value the program too much to do that.”
I appreciated that he said that to me…. But I’m starting to feel more and more guarded in the meetings about what I say now….
I love Al-anon and I’m not going to stop going, but just wondered if anybody else has had similar circumstances.
I was recently “introduced” by my dad at a baseball game to one of the regular attendees. Apparently my dad has known him for years. Didn’t know that.
After a meeting a couple of weeks ago, a first-time Al-anon attendee and RA came up to me and said, “I just want you to know that I know who you are, I know your AH from jail. I wanted you to know I would never say anything to him. I value the program too much to do that.”
I appreciated that he said that to me…. But I’m starting to feel more and more guarded in the meetings about what I say now….
I love Al-anon and I’m not going to stop going, but just wondered if anybody else has had similar circumstances.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
I'm sure your not alone with this mostly for small towns . The thing is everyone's their to get or stay Sober . It's not suppose to be to be judged 
Possibly he just wanted you to feel comfortable ?
I do this a lot ( read more into it ) when it could be something simple .
Just a thought ...
Possibly he just wanted you to feel comfortable ?
I do this a lot ( read more into it ) when it could be something simple .
Just a thought ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks NWE
I do often read more into things that are simple
Yeah, I agree he just wanted me to feel comfortable, and I thought it was quite considerate of him...
I guess... I just feel like I have to choose my words more carefully than I do here on SR, and that feels insincere sometimes.
But you're right, they're all there for themselves, not to judge me. It's not all about me That's a good thing to keep in mind.
I do often read more into things that are simple
Yeah, I agree he just wanted me to feel comfortable, and I thought it was quite considerate of him...
I guess... I just feel like I have to choose my words more carefully than I do here on SR, and that feels insincere sometimes.
But you're right, they're all there for themselves, not to judge me. It's not all about me
That's a good thing to keep in mind.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Kboys, how is this lately?
I greatly appreciate the last part of the suggested Alanon welcome.
I greatly appreciate the last part of the suggested Alanon welcome.
Anonymity is an important principle of the Alanon program. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts, for this is how we help one another in Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I didn't see this when you first posted it. I have not had the same experience exactly here I live in a huge city.....but i will relate something.
I had a client (note the past tense) that started coming to me last year. We knew each other informally from my former work place. She married a guy and the story was truly out of a movie, ya know they were set up, they met, fireworks, he asked her to marry on date 4. Married for 5 years now. They are wealthy and successful. She is glowing. I did remember that she was going through a particularly horrible divorce several years ago when we had some contact - seemed as if she'd finally got her pot of gold.
So I go to an Al Anon meeting this summer, I don't go often. She is sitting where she can't see me, but I can see her. Find out that hubby is a pretty terrible alcoholic. They have no sex life. He is drunk every single night. Her last husband was an A (didn't know that), can't believe she is in same situation again. I thought about leaving before end meeting so she wouldn't see me, then I though nah, Why? I am here. We are no different. She was friendly when she saw me.
However, the next week I received a text from her canceling all her appt with me. She said she felt uncomfortable and she hoped that I would keep her situation anonymous as it is supposed to be. She said no one knows about what's going on with her husband its imperative for their business. They move in the social scene here - often photographed for magazines etc. I tried to assure her not to worry, won't say anything, we won't discuss if you come in, door always open. I hoped she would come back, but she did not.
So not too long after than I was invited to attend a gala at a country club here in the city and I went. Lo and behold - there she is with her husband. I was sitting at a table with my friend who invited me and several couples I did not know. When they stopped by the table she literally acted like she did not know who I was - and I said nothing. After exiting, the discussion at the table was about her husband and his alcoholism. "horrible drunk, did you know he got a DUI after golf tournament? Marriage hanging on by a thread. She is miserable, She doesn't come to things like she used to. Her last husband was an alcoholic. We don't invite him to anything I feel bad because I like her, but he is too unpredictable. Did you know he hit on such and such's wife?" I said nothing.
Point here is often we think people don't know what they DO know. Whether they know in fact, or know by experience, I doubt that anyone would be surprised by anything you say at an al-anon meeting. The shame that is associated with alcoholism is IMO a very big reason why many don't seek treatment including codies. Not caring what others think is a very freeing experience. Obviously I don't know if there are things you "shouldn't" say; I am inclined to think not because you were willing to at one time.
I am sure there are people who don't keep their mouths shut about things in Al Anon and AA. I think they are few and far between. When I started at Al Anon I was a bit apprehensive about running into people I knew. Little apprehensive that somehow "the big secret relapse" would get found out. Now I no longer care I am going there for ME - my life isn't any secret and that its not gives me such freedom rather than the other way around.
I hope this has been helpful, and I hope you are doing well.
I had a client (note the past tense) that started coming to me last year. We knew each other informally from my former work place. She married a guy and the story was truly out of a movie, ya know they were set up, they met, fireworks, he asked her to marry on date 4. Married for 5 years now. They are wealthy and successful. She is glowing. I did remember that she was going through a particularly horrible divorce several years ago when we had some contact - seemed as if she'd finally got her pot of gold.
So I go to an Al Anon meeting this summer, I don't go often. She is sitting where she can't see me, but I can see her. Find out that hubby is a pretty terrible alcoholic. They have no sex life. He is drunk every single night. Her last husband was an A (didn't know that), can't believe she is in same situation again. I thought about leaving before end meeting so she wouldn't see me, then I though nah, Why? I am here. We are no different. She was friendly when she saw me.
However, the next week I received a text from her canceling all her appt with me. She said she felt uncomfortable and she hoped that I would keep her situation anonymous as it is supposed to be. She said no one knows about what's going on with her husband its imperative for their business. They move in the social scene here - often photographed for magazines etc. I tried to assure her not to worry, won't say anything, we won't discuss if you come in, door always open. I hoped she would come back, but she did not.
So not too long after than I was invited to attend a gala at a country club here in the city and I went. Lo and behold - there she is with her husband. I was sitting at a table with my friend who invited me and several couples I did not know. When they stopped by the table she literally acted like she did not know who I was - and I said nothing. After exiting, the discussion at the table was about her husband and his alcoholism. "horrible drunk, did you know he got a DUI after golf tournament? Marriage hanging on by a thread. She is miserable, She doesn't come to things like she used to. Her last husband was an alcoholic. We don't invite him to anything I feel bad because I like her, but he is too unpredictable. Did you know he hit on such and such's wife?" I said nothing.
Point here is often we think people don't know what they DO know. Whether they know in fact, or know by experience, I doubt that anyone would be surprised by anything you say at an al-anon meeting. The shame that is associated with alcoholism is IMO a very big reason why many don't seek treatment including codies. Not caring what others think is a very freeing experience. Obviously I don't know if there are things you "shouldn't" say; I am inclined to think not because you were willing to at one time.
I am sure there are people who don't keep their mouths shut about things in Al Anon and AA. I think they are few and far between. When I started at Al Anon I was a bit apprehensive about running into people I knew. Little apprehensive that somehow "the big secret relapse" would get found out. Now I no longer care I am going there for ME - my life isn't any secret and that its not gives me such freedom rather than the other way around.
I hope this has been helpful, and I hope you are doing well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
red....that is a pretty illuminating story. I certainly agree that the stigmata of alcoholism is a big drawback ....preventing so many from getting treatment.
I am struck by the fact that so many men are willing to agree t go to an individual
counselor or for marriage counseling in order to convince their partner that they are "finally going to get help for the "problem". Anything to avoid going to an AA meeting. Sort of avoiding the red letter.
I don't know an answer......except for education.
I know that when I worked in psychiatry....we were instructed to never acknowledge a patient, should we run into them in public....unless they acknowledged us, first. Even then, we were to never discuss that they were in treatment (unless they stated it). Again, because of the stigma.....and, respecting their privacy, of course. But....I think stigma was a big reason.
We still have a long way to go......
dandylion
I am struck by the fact that so many men are willing to agree t go to an individual
counselor or for marriage counseling in order to convince their partner that they are "finally going to get help for the "problem". Anything to avoid going to an AA meeting. Sort of avoiding the red letter.
I don't know an answer......except for education.
I know that when I worked in psychiatry....we were instructed to never acknowledge a patient, should we run into them in public....unless they acknowledged us, first. Even then, we were to never discuss that they were in treatment (unless they stated it). Again, because of the stigma.....and, respecting their privacy, of course. But....I think stigma was a big reason.
We still have a long way to go......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I don't think Al-anon would be of much use to me if I did not share EVERYTHING on my mind but that's a decision for each of us to make on our own. In my case, the other night I sat next to a guy who is dating a girl my wife sponsored in AA who I happen to know is relapsing. Her BF is in the same AA group with my wife. My Al-anon sponsor is in my wife's AA group.
Do you know what they tell me about what she says? Not a damned thing and if they did I would be very disappointed and they would know it.
One of the big problems al-anoners face is that due to the stigma of alcoholism we withdraw from society and don't talk about our qualifier. We can become isolated and bottle up a lot of crap that needs to come out and that is unhealthy. You are there for you. If anyone repeats anything you say shame on them but at the end of the day that is their issue, not yours and as has been mentioned if there is only one meeting in the county then everyone already knows who most of the drinkers are. I grew up in a small southern town where everyone knew everyone's business. Can't buy condoms at the only drugstore when you are dating the pharmacist's daughter, call 911 and ask for the police and they say "You mean Bobby Earl?" or call 411 to ask for the paint store and they ask what color you need because their sister works there and can drop it off on her way home... I get it.
Personally I would still go and if I was concerned about anonymity I might not reveal specifics and might focus on broader topics but probably not. I benefit from hearing others share from their heart and the same is true for them so if I hold back I don't give back...
Just some random points to ponder, maybe one will resonate with you but I hope you keep going back.
Do you know what they tell me about what she says? Not a damned thing and if they did I would be very disappointed and they would know it.
One of the big problems al-anoners face is that due to the stigma of alcoholism we withdraw from society and don't talk about our qualifier. We can become isolated and bottle up a lot of crap that needs to come out and that is unhealthy. You are there for you. If anyone repeats anything you say shame on them but at the end of the day that is their issue, not yours and as has been mentioned if there is only one meeting in the county then everyone already knows who most of the drinkers are. I grew up in a small southern town where everyone knew everyone's business. Can't buy condoms at the only drugstore when you are dating the pharmacist's daughter, call 911 and ask for the police and they say "You mean Bobby Earl?" or call 411 to ask for the paint store and they ask what color you need because their sister works there and can drop it off on her way home... I get it.
Personally I would still go and if I was concerned about anonymity I might not reveal specifics and might focus on broader topics but probably not. I benefit from hearing others share from their heart and the same is true for them so if I hold back I don't give back...
Just some random points to ponder, maybe one will resonate with you but I hope you keep going back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thanks for the insight guys! I appreciate it. I actually have not been able to go to meeting for the last two weeks due to ah drinking again after nine months dry.. And I have no one to leave my kids with during that time. "Just a few beers"most nights for the last few weeks. Nothing crazy yet, no vodka yet, but I know this is how it starts.. And how it had started for him in the past when he has had shorter periods of sobriety..
The boys and I are staying aty parents house this weekend.
I know I m
The boys and I are staying aty parents house this weekend.
I know I m
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I've been attending my home group for about 3 years now. There are a lot of regulars who I'm very friendly with, and very comfortable with. Yet, still, after three years, I don't know who all of their qualifiers are.
Each meeting we read the daily readings from a few Alanon books, and discuss those readings. Sometimes a person will bring up their qualifier, but often the conversations revolve around our own personal growth, and how the readings pertain to that.
People don't have to talk at all. I still believe much could be gained simply by being in the company of others who understand the complexities of addiction. No one is compelled to share if they don't want to, or to share more than they want to. Of course, in a small town people would probably guess it was your husband, but as was said before, they also probably already know there's an issue. Still, I think it would be quite easy to edit what personal information is give out and still benefit from going. Remember also, a huge (often under looked) benefit of Alanon is the support we offer others.
Each meeting we read the daily readings from a few Alanon books, and discuss those readings. Sometimes a person will bring up their qualifier, but often the conversations revolve around our own personal growth, and how the readings pertain to that.
People don't have to talk at all. I still believe much could be gained simply by being in the company of others who understand the complexities of addiction. No one is compelled to share if they don't want to, or to share more than they want to. Of course, in a small town people would probably guess it was your husband, but as was said before, they also probably already know there's an issue. Still, I think it would be quite easy to edit what personal information is give out and still benefit from going. Remember also, a huge (often under looked) benefit of Alanon is the support we offer others.
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