MIRecovery

My wife goes to 3 to 4 meetings a year and knows some of my AA buddies both male and female. She really enjoys the meetings and the people

PohsFriend

I think you should go to as many open AA speaker meetings as possible for several reasons...

1. It will help YOU. You have your own isms like all of us, Those speakers are a great example of people changing from the inside out. Took me three years to see I needed al-anon but 100 open meetings helped because I knew it all works.

2. Commonality - When you hear people describe the same things over and over that most alcoholics do/think/say it helps you see the disease and separate it from your beloved alcoholic.

3. It shows support. Not enablement, not control, just support.

If you choose to try out al-anon... and OK I gotta say it. There was no way in hell I was gonna join some stupid 12 step club 3-4 years ago just because SHE had problems... wtf? LOL, my crow cookbook is due out in time for Christmas. yes, I needed it even though she was not drinking. If you choose to try out al-anon a once per week 'date night' open meeting is now part our programs.

It actually helps us stay OUT of one another's program because if one is not going to meetings then here comes date night and we're back. The two times to go to a meeting are when you feel like you need it and when you feel like you don't.

I would encourage you to go to 'Birthday Night' if they do it. Ours is tonight - all those celebrating a sobriety anniversary go up and get their new chip and say a few words after being introduced by their sponsor. 4 years ago my first Bday night told me that there is hope - people HAVE gone on to lead wonderful lives despite alcoholism. My wife wanted to get one of those chips... in September she gets her three year one and I will surely be there.

I have stayed out of her program. That meant coming home from work, walking in the door to take the baby handoff and a kiss on the cheek as she left and not seeing her most evenings until 10pm the past three years but that time apart is why she is alive and I never once complained or resented it.

AA takes a lot of time and it can be scary for the spouse. As the alcoholic gets well it can be really annoying to hear them lecture you about how they are spiritually awake and living a much healthier life than you are now. It's doubly annoying when that is TRUE.

I think you are right to leave it as his thing and do not try to guide, control, or force it. It has to come from him and he has to want it and see that he needs it or it does little good.

There is another benefit and God forgive me it is a little bit selfish and OK perhaps a lot selfish but I am quite flawed and God is working on me still...
There's a lot of hurting people in AA groups sharing very deep emotional things and as your spouse gets better you aren't the only one who finds them more appealing. Yes this is small minded and petty but it doesn't bother me that the guys in my wife's group all know me and the old timers who sponsor and guide the group know my wife has a supportive spouse and would gently discourage guys from hitting on her. I'm embarrassed to admit that but it's true. Likewise my wife is much more comfortable knowing the people in my group and she's human too and while neither of us raises a leg to pee on the other let's be real - we do tend to mark our territory lol.

There is an old joke in AA - how can you tell two AA'rs are on their second date? ....the moving van.

Not to worry, the old timers tend to work through sponsors to gently urge their sponsees to stay far away from married group members but it doesn't hurt for the world to know we are married.

Sounds so petty when I admit it, damn this searching inventory of character defects and having to acknowledge and admit them but oh well, the steps keep you sane, sane is a good thing whether alcoholic or not.

Praying

Anvil, I laughed at myself typing my last entry because it sure seemed like I'm making a really big deal out of nothing!!!

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I've gone to other AA meetings, tons of alanon...even took RA to an AA meeting when I was hoping he'd see the light and needed a nudge...

This just felt different, because he's actually IN it. I did go, and it was a good speaker and a good topic. It was actually really good to see RA COMFORTABLE there. I also got to meet his sponsor. We had some good discussion (and food!) afterwards.

One thing that occurred to me--sometimes I tell RA about things I post or do regarding SR or Alanon--because it reflects something I notice about myself or am working on. I didn't really think that his sharing with me could be in the same vein and doesn't make me "in his business"...I guess because I just hadn't experienced the R part of the A before. It's pretty cool.

Thanks again.

LexieCat

Glad you went, and glad it was a good experience! He was probably proud and happy to have you there--I know I would have felt that way.

When I got my five-year coin, my older son, who is HIGHLY allergic to religion, and tends to think AA is a little weird (his dad and I are both members), came to my meeting with me. I was the speaker that night and was careful about what I shared so as not to make him uncomfortable.

He sort of "bonded" with my AA friend who has done the work on my house, and he thought the whole thing was pretty OK. I was very, VERY happy he was there--I think it brought us a little closer.