Attend meeting with him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Attend meeting with him?
All, I have a question.
RA has been going to meetings, has a sponsor, and is really working things. He is spending a lot of time on it, which I'm totally fine with and support. (I'm super proud of him, actually.)
He said there's a speaker at a meeting Friday that his sponsor said he should try to hear if he can, so wondered if I'd mind if he went. I said of course not.
Later he told me he thought it was an open meeting, and asked if I'd like to go with him.
I'm not sure. This is his space, and it's relatively new for him, so I don't want to get in the way. But, I'm happy to go if he'd like me to. I told him we could talk about it later because I don't want him to feel like I need to go just because it's Friday night and he feels bad about being away on a "date night".
I'll be honest and explore more with him, but I'm just wondering if anyone has been here and has any thoughts.
Obviously I'd like to meet his sponsor and AA friends at some point. I'm just not sure how that actually works...I've never been with an A that is truly working at recovering.
RA has been going to meetings, has a sponsor, and is really working things. He is spending a lot of time on it, which I'm totally fine with and support. (I'm super proud of him, actually.)
He said there's a speaker at a meeting Friday that his sponsor said he should try to hear if he can, so wondered if I'd mind if he went. I said of course not.
Later he told me he thought it was an open meeting, and asked if I'd like to go with him.
I'm not sure. This is his space, and it's relatively new for him, so I don't want to get in the way. But, I'm happy to go if he'd like me to. I told him we could talk about it later because I don't want him to feel like I need to go just because it's Friday night and he feels bad about being away on a "date night".
I'll be honest and explore more with him, but I'm just wondering if anyone has been here and has any thoughts.
Obviously I'd like to meet his sponsor and AA friends at some point. I'm just not sure how that actually works...I've never been with an A that is truly working at recovering.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Alanon suggests you learn about the disease and attend open AA meetings...they are very informative and if he has invited you I say go! I wouldnt make it a weekly habbit because thats his program, but once in a while wouldnt hurt! I go to meetings that the xa didnt go to and did occasionally go with him and was welcomed.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In Celebrate Recovery it's a little different in that you are all in a large group together then you split into smaller groups according to your issue. The speakers are always during the large group. I personally really have always enjoyed hearing testimonies and speakers no matter what their particular issue is.
So...I would go. Just my .02
Glad he is working recovery!
So...I would go. Just my .02
Glad he is working recovery!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Praying.....I assume, from your anxiety, that you may be doubting his sincerity----and, fear that he is asking you out of "obligation".
Personally....I would take the high road and take him at face value.
dandylion
Personally....I would take the high road and take him at face value.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd go. As you said, it's a big part of his life and it's nice he invited you. If it were his very first meeting I'd feel differently, and I also find it weird when some AA member shows up to EVERY single meeting with his/her significant other like they are joined at the hip. But lots of folks bring a partner now and then, and nobody thinks anything of it. I used to enjoy going to the occasional meeting with my first husband, and it was great getting to know his AA buddies and their wives/girlfriends. We did a lot of socializing outside of meetings--parties, picnics, etc.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
In my "long" recovery process, for about 1 year I was attending 2 open AA meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week. They both helped me. Its a shame my X never was interested. I am in a much better place without him. Sad but true!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I think it's great if you go since he asked you to come with him. My ex asked me to come to one of his meetings after he got out if rehab-I did not go as he was just an abusive drunk that had no intention of getting sober-it was all lip service. You on the other hand sound like you have someone really working on recovery and you are as well. Kudos! Peace to you 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Thank you all for your thoughts! We had a busy night last night and barely brought it up--I told him I'd like to go at some point, but I didn't want him to feel like he had to bring me right now--and to just let that sit and we could see what tomorrow (now today) brings. I guess we'll know in 12 hours!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Friday Night speaker meetings are some pretty awesome stuff - that is often the night that groups will celebrate recovery birthdays as well. They are often held one Friday a month - usually the 4th Friday, which is what this would be.
if you want to go, GO. i think anyone would benefit.
he already ASKED if you wanted to go, not sure what more there is to hash out? simple yay or nay........
if you want to go, GO. i think anyone would benefit.
he already ASKED if you wanted to go, not sure what more there is to hash out? simple yay or nay........
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Praying......do you want him to "beg" you? Maybe you are feeling a bit left out of his life, right now.....even though you are trying to go by the very letter of the "recovery law" (leaving his recovery to him)......and you would like him to do an action that demonstrates that you are still important to h im.....?
Could there be some partially hidden resentment in your heart....a bit of anger at him for the past.....?
Please....please....don't think that I am trying to be critical of you in any way....just trying to help you examine your feelings.....
I am just spitballing, of course, but....it just feels like something else is going on beneath the surface of it, for you........
Could there be something that is bugging you....? It would be understandable it there is....it wouldn't be the end of the world....
dandylion
Could there be some partially hidden resentment in your heart....a bit of anger at him for the past.....?
Please....please....don't think that I am trying to be critical of you in any way....just trying to help you examine your feelings.....
I am just spitballing, of course, but....it just feels like something else is going on beneath the surface of it, for you........
Could there be something that is bugging you....? It would be understandable it there is....it wouldn't be the end of the world....
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I think as codependents one of our "defects" is mind-reading (Pride.) Trying to decide why he asked you seems pretty exhausting. There doesn't have to be any ulterior motive, no guilt or blame or second-guessing has to be involved.
I know, easier said than done. I tend to spend way too much time in other peoples' heads too. Stay in your hula hoop, bim.
I really enjoyed speaker meetings. I think you would like it.
I know, easier said than done. I tend to spend way too much time in other peoples' heads too. Stay in your hula hoop, bim.
I really enjoyed speaker meetings. I think you would like it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I think maybe it just surprised me. It's his thing, and it's a place where he can be honest about so many parts of himself that I don't necessarily think need to be shared with me.
He has a few Codie tendencies himself, and he seemed so guilty asking to go tonight, I assumed it was because he'd been to a few other meetings this week and also met with his sponsor. I truly don't mind. I have my own things going and plenty to do with friends or at home, so it should appear obvious that it's okay.
It's kind of new territory for me to figure out how much to ask about meetings, etc.--if he were playing softball with friends every Monday night, I'd ask all kinds of questions about how it went, etc. But for AA, finding the balance between being supportive and talking about it, and leaving him be, is a little hard. In these situations I have historically tended to ask nothing to avoid appearing nosy or pushy since it's his business--but that shuts down discussion and intimacy. So I'm actually super honest about it. I'll say that I'm asking in case he'd like to talk, but I recognize he might not and that's okay. In fact, I'm super honest about everything, which hurts sometimes, but feels so very good in the end. I don't hide any feelings (that I'm aware of) anymore.
I think a small, hidden part of me (okay, there may be some Codie dust here on the floor--I need to go get the vacuum) is afraid I could "mess it up" if I go. That it might ruin this amazing course he's on. It's working, why chance me going and things changing? (I hear you asking--Praying, what would you do to mess this up? Nothing! I know that. I just spent so many years historically with an X who trained me that I have the power to mess everything up for him, and did, often.
) Realistically, that's silly to even think about. I know that. And I know I could never be convinced to own that again.
Maybe Praying is still holding her breath that this sticks...it seems so good and so real...
Future-trip lately?
He has a few Codie tendencies himself, and he seemed so guilty asking to go tonight, I assumed it was because he'd been to a few other meetings this week and also met with his sponsor. I truly don't mind. I have my own things going and plenty to do with friends or at home, so it should appear obvious that it's okay.
It's kind of new territory for me to figure out how much to ask about meetings, etc.--if he were playing softball with friends every Monday night, I'd ask all kinds of questions about how it went, etc. But for AA, finding the balance between being supportive and talking about it, and leaving him be, is a little hard. In these situations I have historically tended to ask nothing to avoid appearing nosy or pushy since it's his business--but that shuts down discussion and intimacy. So I'm actually super honest about it. I'll say that I'm asking in case he'd like to talk, but I recognize he might not and that's okay. In fact, I'm super honest about everything, which hurts sometimes, but feels so very good in the end. I don't hide any feelings (that I'm aware of) anymore.
I think a small, hidden part of me (okay, there may be some Codie dust here on the floor--I need to go get the vacuum) is afraid I could "mess it up" if I go. That it might ruin this amazing course he's on. It's working, why chance me going and things changing? (I hear you asking--Praying, what would you do to mess this up? Nothing! I know that. I just spent so many years historically with an X who trained me that I have the power to mess everything up for him, and did, often.
) Realistically, that's silly to even think about. I know that. And I know I could never be convinced to own that again. Maybe Praying is still holding her breath that this sticks...it seems so good and so real...
Future-trip lately?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Praying....that fear sounds logical to me....now that you have explained it.
I don't think you have to go to extremes....there is a difference between a normal, general interest in something and becoming a control freak....lol!
dandylion
I don't think you have to go to extremes....there is a difference between a normal, general interest in something and becoming a control freak....lol!
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
praying, he wouldn't be sharing at a SPEAKER'S MEETING....unless he was one of the speakers. a speaker's meeting is usual/often/mostly someone in the area with a good long stint of a sobriety and thus a good "story" or a set of 2 or 3 speakers, one after the other. you can't mess anything up by going.
nor could you mess anything up by going to ONE general meeting - he is fully capable of choosing how much he would share with you present. you do have a point tho, if you attended EVERY meeting he did, his anonymity and freedom to express himself would be compromised.
i made that mistake a long time ago....i was an AA girl, my future 2nd ex husband was in NA. over time i slowed my attendance at my home group and followed him to his Tuesday night NA meeting and in general became more involved in NA. but we BOTH lost the ability for really honest shares.....and i lost my footing in recovery. i "gave up my chair" as they say.
i wouldn't ask much about his meetings....since they are anonymous what is said at the meeting is to stay at the meeting. it's just something he does.....can you let that be and not overthink it all so much???
nor could you mess anything up by going to ONE general meeting - he is fully capable of choosing how much he would share with you present. you do have a point tho, if you attended EVERY meeting he did, his anonymity and freedom to express himself would be compromised.
i made that mistake a long time ago....i was an AA girl, my future 2nd ex husband was in NA. over time i slowed my attendance at my home group and followed him to his Tuesday night NA meeting and in general became more involved in NA. but we BOTH lost the ability for really honest shares.....and i lost my footing in recovery. i "gave up my chair" as they say.
i wouldn't ask much about his meetings....since they are anonymous what is said at the meeting is to stay at the meeting. it's just something he does.....can you let that be and not overthink it all so much???
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Anvil's right. AA meetings are not places where everybody throws all their personal stuff out on the floor. Those conversations are usually limited to talk with a sponsor or another close AA friend outside the meeting itself. At our speaker/discussion meetings, the speaker shares for like 20 minutes, then asks for a couple of topics and whoever wants to, shares. It's usually in very general terms--stuff about the Steps, or other topics like honesty, willingness, etc.
Going to one meeting is not "invading" his program. First, he invited you. Second, it is ONE meeting--you aren't babysitting him every time he goes.
I used to just ask how the meeting was. Sometimes there would be a funny story to share, sometimes something profound that he heard, and sometimes it's just a "fine." Any of that's OK. What isn't OK is asking who was there, whether he felt he "got something out of it," asking what step he is working and how it's going. That's where you cross the line into monitoring his program or breaking the anonymity of others.
And it does sound like you're overthinking it.
Going to one meeting is not "invading" his program. First, he invited you. Second, it is ONE meeting--you aren't babysitting him every time he goes.
I used to just ask how the meeting was. Sometimes there would be a funny story to share, sometimes something profound that he heard, and sometimes it's just a "fine." Any of that's OK. What isn't OK is asking who was there, whether he felt he "got something out of it," asking what step he is working and how it's going. That's where you cross the line into monitoring his program or breaking the anonymity of others.
And it does sound like you're overthinking it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Pretty good stuff I'm reading. On the "afraid I could "mess it up" if I go. That it might ruin this amazing course he's on.It's working, why chance me going and things changing? "
I'm a recovering alcoholic. The ONLY way my journey would get messed up is if I mess it up. There's no human that can do it.
IMO, get some courage to face the fear and go. You may be discouraged if ya didn't go. A d how will ya find out the outcome if ya dont?
Keep it simple.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. The ONLY way my journey would get messed up is if I mess it up. There's no human that can do it.
IMO, get some courage to face the fear and go. You may be discouraged if ya didn't go. A d how will ya find out the outcome if ya dont?
Keep it simple.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
In my opinion
A family that recovers together stays together. I think letting him own his own recovery is GREAT, but if he invited you, I would go and not make it a habit.
That said, my family all goes to their own separate AA, Al-Anon, and Al-Ateen meetings, then maybe once a week, goes to an open AA meeting together at the A's home group. It works well for us.
That said, my family all goes to their own separate AA, Al-Anon, and Al-Ateen meetings, then maybe once a week, goes to an open AA meeting together at the A's home group. It works well for us.
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