involved

I have come to realize that I have an out of whack fight or flight response. Many people shut down or stuff their feelings but I stand and fight! The topic at my Al anon meeting last night was anger and someone shared that to feel the anger is yourself telling yourself that there is something wrong....! It is protective when dealt with in a healthy way. I on the other hand will stand firm and fight...which makes me look like a crazy person in the end. I can not change someone else. But I dont know how to make this lightening fast reaction stop! How do I, when the fear grips me in an instant, take a step back, and acknowledge that I am probably fighting for something I should be letting go and/ detaching from!

chicory

For me, letting go and detaching isn't easy. My natural instinct is to fight unfair treatment. I have to remind myself that fighting an A is counterproductive.

It takes me some time to calm my Irish temper, but after I am calm, its much easier to put things into perspective.

I understand what you are saying. Its not easy.

Reading 'Codependent No More 'by Melody Beattie, has helped me .
Good luck to you!

involved

Thanks...going to read it again. I feel like I have gotten so lost in trying to blow out the matches that I didnt realize the forrest was on fire! Yes! Growing up in abusive home, it is my first instinct to fight unfair treatment! You nailed it with that line! Thank you!

I have been out of the situation with my A for ling enough to find some peace in my head. But can see how I do this in all relationships...not just the A

chicory

Me too. And my family of origin was abusive as well... and I did not defend myself then, as it wasn't possible, so now, I fight back. What's that saying about the tongue? something about what a small member it is, but what a fire it can start? or something to that effect.

I have re-read my' codie' book many times, and always get something new and helpful.
take care.

Thomas45

I wouldn't exactly call that "out of whack." The thing about the fight or flight response is that it is a "fight or flight" mechanism, not a "flight and then fight when cornered" response. It is perfectly normal for someone's instinct to naturally react with aggression towards a perceived threat.

petmagnet

I understand your response all too well. I am a fighter not a flighter as well. I fought till I finally had no fight left and just didn't care anymore. I finally got sick of the pain and tension. It took me 11 years to realize that no matter how hard I fought my situation, that the disrespect and humiliation that living with a functioning alcoholic causes, was not going to change. I don't understand how to detach with love. I could never accomplish that. I detached, but I just couldn't stay involved or connected in anyway. I ended up just shutting him out in many ways because I was still hurting from the treatment I received when he would leave me to go drinking all night. I was not fighting outwardly but I was still fighting internally. I dunno, I never got to the point where I could just not let it affect me. I missed the partner I had at one time. After 24 years of marriage it was time to end it and move on. I wish you the best, I hope you can figure out the proper way to detach.

involved

Thomas45...I guess I wish I could just run away more often as a first instinct instead of fighting for something I know isnt worth fighting against/for or is hurting me. I cant change anyone else. The fight just keeps me in the sh**. I am not in a corner...I know I always have the choice to walk away! I just cant put that knowledge to practical use!

chicory

Acknowledging that you are reacting in a way that brings you more pain , thats a first step toward change. Some people never see, thus never change, and live miserable lives because of it.

dandylion

Involved.....I concur with Thomas45 that to respond with aggression to attack on yourself is not necessarily out of whack, in itself.
Also, with Chicory-- that to realize when an action is hurting you is a good first step....

I suggest that you might ask yourself a few questions regarding the reaction....
(1) Is this reaction directed toward a specific person/persons......or is it more generalized toward anyone who happens to be in your path......
(2) Is it the severity of your reaction that is bothering you? Is it an over reaction (in your opinion) It it like attacking a gnat with a sledgehammer.....
(3) Can you identify the age/ circumstance when this first started ?
(4) Are you "impulsive" by nature---in other areas of your life? adhd?
(5) Could y ou possibly have any ptsd?
(6) Are you currently living with a qualifier that percipitates this behavior?

I offer this as some food for thought........

dandylion

****one more question...lol. Are you frequently operating last nerve---overly emotionally exhausted....or lack of sufficient sleep....constantly walking on eggshells and anxious....functioning with a chronic low level of depression..... ON YOUR LAST NERVE

involved

Thanks Dandy...yes to your last question trying to keep HALT in mind. And maybe/prob yes to PTSD. Yes to its directed toward the person whom I feel has caused me the injustice. And I only feel that its an over reaction because I feel that I would have better served walking away vs. fighting or retaliating. I do use the sledgehammer but not for a gnat. The fear is justified yes...so the proper response would be to run away get out of the sh**. I never felt safe a a child and have always lashed back as my defense. Now that I am grown I feel like I have wasted precious time and energy fighting something I couldnt change or fix. When the proper defence would have to acknowledge its a loosing battle and quit. I am still trying to protect myself because I learned that if I didnt do it I couldnt trust anyone else to. ( I am still the only one who will protect ne but need to do it in the right way...) This behavior or thinking no longer serves me well but I dont know how to change it. And no I do not live with anyone and have recently ended the relationship with the current qualifier. Have been going to alanon for a few of months and am beginning to recognize some of my shortcomings....and am reaching out for ideas.

dandylion

involved....very honestly, if you were my sister or my daughter or best friend...I would strongly encourage you to seek out a person who has specialized in treating abuse victims and get treatment. I think that a support group for those who have been abused, along with the therapist, of course, would be ideal.
It would probably change your l ife!
Alanon is fine...but abuse victims need more specialized treatment.
Actually, if still living in the abuse---some of the alanon techniques might put the person at greater risk.
I don't know how much reading you have done on this subject.
I believe that some well selected readings could be of help and resonate with you, also.....

dandylion

FireSprite

I think you're on the right track. The HALT stuff is a good reminder because those small, temporary bouts of crazy are so manageable with a little attention like that. One of my BFF's is the nicest, most easy going person I know but when her blood sugar dips & it's past meal time watch out for the short-tempered, grumpy troll she turns into.

For me that kind of anger always covers fear. In the moment I had to learn to just stop - usually by remembering all the times that I didn't stop but in hindsight wished I had. If I can draw a connection between "that" time & "this" time, I need to just stop.

Stopping lets me cool down & in the process of cooling I do a lot of good thinking because I'm still raw & saying what I really mean. I learned that this was the time to start that inner dialogue up & start immediately examining the roots of it all - why this reaction? What is the fear? Am I lashing out in anger to protect something inside, like a mama bear? etc.

I try to shift my perceptions so that I can catch awareness in the present, stream-of-consciousness setting rather than waiting & learning from it in hindsight. Of course, once you figure out what is at the root of it, treating it head-on is the next challenge.

Stung

^^^ THIS. I have been called a firecracker on more than one occasion. My fight or flight response has traditionally always been set to fight with flight rarely being used. (I used to be a person who would hold a grudge for eternity.) Lately, I just don't feel the fight or flight response being activated so much, mostly thanks to mindfulness. When I feel angry (I still get the rush of adrenaline) I immediately stop myself and realize that something hurts, somewhere, for some reason, something inside of me hurts and instead of feeling sad - I go straight to angry. Since becoming aware of it I rarely ever act on my anger because that really does not serve me. Instead I let the anger cool off and usually journal about whatever made me angry later. Meditative breathing helps a ton in the heat of the moment.

Acknowledging and becoming aware of your behaviors is the first step in changing them. Changing the way we react to our environment and other people is a marathon, not a sprint. But boy oh boy, I sometimes wish I could sprint to healthier behaviors.