amy55

Ok, so told you, I think it was last year that I went on a picnic with this guy. It didn't really work out, but we kept in contact.

I did tell him that things weren't working out. He is somewhat a jealous person. Also he told me that if we weren't together that he couldn't go to my friends house if I am there.

Well he emailed me about an upcoming party they are having. I had suggested that we meet today, I knew he wasn't working. He started with this feels strange. OK, that's ok. I just wanted to have a better closure about this so that we could both feel comfortable about each other.

It got into a circular disagreement, argument, or whatever. It was like he wanted me to explain things. I guess I would have, but I wanted to do it in person, so that there were no hard feelings. So told him, I don't like circular arguments, that I asked him once to meet with me, and a yes or no was a good answer, but I am not getting into this. He never did answer my question about today. I was fine with that. I never ask twice.

Today I get a email, the day that I had though we could meet up for lunch, and the email was just a "?"

Should I have answered that? I didn't. I think I clearly expressed myself that I will not get into a circular argument where everything is my fault, I don't ask twice, and I don't beg.

Am I being a b!tch?

amy

LexieCat

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I'm not sure I follow what the issue/problem is. Were you as vague and roundabout with him as your post sounds? Because I don't really understand. Maybe he should have, based on what went on before, but I'm not following.

LexieCat

p.s., I think I would have responded with, ??

marie1960

Hey Amy, I am not sure I am following 100% here either, but here is what jumps out at me.

Also he told me that if we weren't together that he couldn't go to my friends house if I am there.

So how is this in any way, shape or form your issue. ? If he doesn't want to be at the mutual friends house for a party, so stinking be it........... this is his issue to own , not yours, he can choose to act like a mature adult , or not, if he is uncomfortable, he can leave, or he can stay home, sounds like he's trying to rub this off on you.

or maybe I'm missing a piece of this story ?

And the ?? of Lexie's is beautiful, made me giggle.

AnvilheadII

yeah i think you are making WAY more of this than needs be. you dated LAST year, briefly. there were issues. i really don't see where "closure" of any sort is needed. it seems you might possibly also be feeding in to the circular arguments, where none are needed.

just let it go. if you want to go to the party, go. whatever he does is HIS stuff. life is wayyyyy too short to waste time of this stuff!

amy55

I told him last year that I didn't think it would work. We haven't been communicating. This party is coming up, and he contacts me. I figured go out and talk so that there is no animosity between us. I like the guy, just don't want to be with him. Seemed a little too possessive.

He emailed me. Said he would feel strange going to this party if we were not together. Codie me,, thought I could make things better, that I was just not ready for a relationship, whatever, but he was showing red flags.

I think I should have stepped away from this whole thing from the beginning of it, but I didn't. Somewhat thought that I could do it better and let him down easier then before, and hoping that he could be at least cordial to me.

He is good friends with my friends, but I just didn't feel anything.

I did stop the circular emails. I refused to answer them, then I got the "?" today. Actually was going to respond with "?", "what", but won't answer it for right now. or maybe not at all. I don't want to get into that circular conversation where I am so messed up. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but I think that is for me to decide.

I think I should not have even responded to first email. Was getting flashbacks of ex. Guess this really triggered me today, but I did nothing about it.

amy

PohsFriend

Just a thought...

Never asking twice, I don't beg...

Pride has a tendency to bite it's owner right in the ass. I know this because I was once quite proud and when I put my foot down I meant it and etcetera.

Now I tend to apologize for my part in a disagreement first, even if my part in it was less than the other person's. I ask twice, thrice, 70 times if it is important to me. Not sure on begging but I wouldn't rule it out.

May make no sense to you what I am saying and would not have made sense to me either but I'm a whole lot happier since I learned that the best way to solve a tug of war is to simply drop the rope.

Concur with the others that it is not your problem if he can't be around you.

Something about your post made me wonder though... he really got under your skin if you posted about it. Whatever your feelings are toward him it ain't ambivalence :-) No idea what that means but might make interesting food for thought for you.

...it might just be that us damned men are a serious pain in the ass that lingers forever ;-)

amy55

Poh, men are not a PIA, I just don't want another one trying to control me. All the red flags were there. I don't think there was even a reason for him to contact me, I thought I told him in Sept, things wouldn't work.

Now I can also think about men in general. I have lots of male friends. If anyone shows an interest in me, I do go into hiding. Got to think about this.

amy

amy55

There's a possibility that I turned "feral".

damascus1986

if a year has passed let it go . IMO
relationships can be a diificult and confusing area for most ppl in recovery. wanting to meet with him might give him the wrong signal.
As the song once said, "LET it be, let it be"

amy55

I had a lot of work done on my house. I am 59. I had young contractors. This guy had name for everyone. The water guy, how is his hose, the concrete guy, he must be really hard, the guy who delivered the wood, what kind of wood did he have? Said I was a MILF.

amy

biminiblue

Why did you feel a need to meet with him? A phone conversation or a text exchange would be sufficient with someone you briefly dated a year ago and stopped seeing.

You don't have to talk to him. At. All. He sounds creepy.

Refiner

Oh good LORD!! Issues MUCH??

redatlanta

Said he would feel strange going to this party if we were not together.

Sounds like HE has a problem not you. Little weird considering you only went on one date good choice not to go further.

My response would be "sorry you feel that way guess I won't see you. Have a nice evening"

FireSprite

I'd say this is your HP throwing you a test to see if you can let this situation go without JADE'ING all over yourself.

You clearly see the red flags flying.... he can't go if you go? Is he 12? This isn't middle school, lol.

Don't get drawn in amy, ignore & block this guy. You deserve better so don't settle for this.

LexieCat

I'm still not sure I understand, but here's what I'm seeing. You went on a picnic with the guy a year ago. He apparently wants to give it another shot, and you invite him to meet up, for no apparent benefit to him.

I think you might be over-personalizing this. It kinda sounds like he wants another chance to date, and all you really need to say is, "no thanks"--I have a feeling you might be projecting onto him more hurt and sense of rejection than he's actually experiencing.

I think most men who date are accustomed to a certain number of women saying "no thanks." They ask, they get turned down, they move on. My bet is that he hasn't spent nearly the amount of time stressing over any of this that you have. I'd go to the party and if you see him, say hello, talk about the food or the weather and that's it. Skip all the "feelings" stuff.

If I'm totally off-base, then ignore this. I'm just trying to fathom what the deal is.

amy55

I have given this a lot of thought as to why this bothered me. It was one picnic date, it was also about 3 weeks of skype. It was skype every night at 9:00pm. This was my first attempt at dating since my ex. He just seemed to come on a little too strong for me. Esp. with the comments about the guys that were working for me. I felt like I was always defending myself. That's why I stopped things last year.

When he contacted me this year, I started to think that maybe it was my problem last year, maybe I was just not ready to date last year.

FireSprite, hit the nail of the head. It was the "JADE"ing. I couldn't deal with all the comments of a sexual nature. If I was 10 minutes late to get on skype I was asked if I was playing with the "water guys" hose.

(JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain)

So after 10 months of NC, he contacted me, because of upcoming party. I thought that perhaps last year I was being triggered because of my past experiences. I really do hate NC, to me it resembles the Silent Treatment, and I got the ST so much, that I can never do that to another person. I do know the difference between the 2, but it is one of my triggers.

The initial email was on July 6th. That was when I had asked about lunch. There was no "yes" or "no" answer given. He started a circular conversation, I got out of that, and just said, I asked a question, about lunch, I'm not doing that twice. Then I stopped responding. His last email that day to me was, " If you're not busy on 7/20, let me know". I never responded to that, because I never said anything about being busy that day, and that would be like me asking twice. I refused to do that. Then on 7/20 came the email with "?". I have not responded to that either.

I have not checked my email since I saw the "?". My whole body is just trembling anytime I think of checking my email.

I think this just shook me up. I was talking to my daughter this week, and I told her that I think it's time that I started dating. This was before this happened. Now I don't know anymore.

I've been divorced for 4 1/2 yrs, not living with him for 6 1/2 yrs. Still not trusting my judgement. Is it my triggers, or is it red flags?

Sexual based comments never really did offend me. My ex tried that on me. We would be in a bar and I would say, "I'll be right back", and he would ask where are you going, to get laid. I would reply, yep. So, it's not that.

I think it was more like going into a lose -lose situation. Don't, or can't even explain that. If I played along with him, then it would have been like a porno sex thing on skype talking about a water hose, if I told him these kids were like 30, then it would be the MILF thing, if I said to stop it, then I was making him feel like he was walking on eggshells around me. I didn't want to have those conversations, we never even had sex. This just made me feel so uncomfortable. I haven't dated since 1983, is this what dating progressed to?

Am I a prude?

I'm just really confused today. Not confused about this situation though. I am staying NC. Guess just rethinking this whole thing about going out in the dating field.

That guy, I really don't care, if he can trigger my triggers, then he needs to stay out of my life. Perhaps that is the wrong way to say that. Anyone can trigger my triggers. I sat on this for about 29 hours now, and it still rubs me the wrong way.

Lexie, I did want to answer that email with a "what" or a "?", and just leave it at that, but kept my fingers off the keyboard.

amy

PS - sorry if this might be disjointed. I was doing a lot of thinking while typing, and thought were at random.

PPS - I really don't hate men, I like men, just afraid of men that might show a romantic interest in me.

theuncertainty

Amy, I'm short on words and time right now, but ((((hugs)))).

minime13

This is a lot - entirely too much, really - of thought to put into someone that you went on one date with, last year.

From the sound of it, you have put so much thought into something that would (in the normal sense) be a single date that didn't work out because this man held some triggers that made you think of your ex husband. I could be wrong, but in reading your messages on this post, it seems like there was more than 1 similarity to your ex husband and his negative behavior toward you.

If that makes sense to you, then this just means you need a little more time to learn how to deal with these triggers more sensibly, so that you can move on and start dating in a health manner. It doesn't mean wipe the slate clean - the red flags are good to catch. It means that you know what isn't acceptable to you, and it means that you have the potential to quickly move on instead of falling into a similar relationship with someone else.

You now have that instinct, but just need to practice better application, basically.

This guy, if he exhibited red flags and behavioral traits that made you think back on your marriage, needs to take an exit from your life. If you weren't friends prior, went out on a single date, and then you weren't into it, then there's no need to keep any contact with him. Especially if he's exhibiting these character flaws, and even more so if he wants to try to guilt you into seeing him again.

His problems that he's bringing up are his - not yours. There is no point to keep in contact with him, especially after that email trying to make you feel guilty about something clearly isn't your problem. If anything, you can apologize for contacting him, let him know you should probably both go on with your separate lives, and wish him well. And then be done with it.

Then, maybe it would be a good idea to work on quickly disposing of people that have these character flaws that seem to send you into a tailspin. They are clearly not worth your time or effort.

LexieCat

You aren't giving someone the "silent treatment" when you have zero relationship with them. All you are doing is declining to get INTO a relationship with him.

And that is one hundred percent your privilege. You don't need a "good enough" reason to not want to talk on the phone or Skype or have lunch or go on a picnic with him. It can be something as shallow as you don't like the way he combs his hair. The point is, you aren't attracted to him, so just say "thanks but no thanks" and let it go. If you want to pick apart what it was about him that bothered you, go right ahead. Sometimes it's useful to know those things, even when they aren't "red flags" (example, the way someone laughs reminds you of your ex and it sets your teeth on edge--perfectly fine, you don't owe someone a chance to prove himself when ANYTHING about him bothers you).

You are not a prude and you aren't a bitch. You just aren't into the guy, and that's fine.