jjj111

Amy, it sounds like you suggested lunch but then when he eventually tried to confirm the time you didn't reply, which is why he sent the "?" It sounds like you have thought better of the lunch idea since you first suggested it. Maybe you realized that he might take it as a sign that you're interested in giving dating him another try? Which he very well might have. Anyway, it sounds like he might be confused. It might be easiest to just be clear, like someone suggested above, just send him a quick note saying something along the lines of "I think it's best if we go our separate ways--don't think lunch is a good idea." It sounds like the whole childish I don't want to go to the party if you're there thing was just his way of testing you to see if he could rope you in for another date. But yes, welcome to dating, men are often clueless about how to get a woman's attention. I have dated men I meet on online dating sites off and on for years, because I can't seem to get a date in real life, and I find it so frustrating how many men want to get into sex talk before you've even met. If you're going to date, you'll have to learn to quickly get rid of the guys who annoy you with sex talk or whatever else!

theuncertainty

I think I get it. I think it's the same way I felt after the last date I went on (now a few years back). A short while after he finally stopped texting, I'd already figured out how I felt about him, but I kept on mulling everything over. I don't think I was thinking about him so much as trying to figure out what it was about me that
1. attracted guys like him
2. felt like I had to explain it to him more
3. let stopping the relationship bug me

I think getting away from relationships where there was a lot emotional abuse does make us more prone to worrying that we did or said something wrong when we ended a relationship, even a not-really-a-relationship. (Because that's typically what an abusive partner does: makes us feel like we did something wrong, or something to cause how were were treated, when really it was all about their need for control.) And I think it takes time and work to get to the point where we don't automatically take on feeling that way when we stand up for ourselves.

FWIW, I don't think you were being a b*. And, I don't think this means you can't start dating again, if you want to. It's just something you'd need to be mindful of and honest with yourself about to keep working through it. (((hugs)))

Praying

Amy, when I got out of my marriage, the first very relationship I almost had was with someone who I believe was also a narcissist. MOVED ON. Red flags and I was glad I saw them.

Fast forward past several other guys who I met (I'm incredibly social)-- with the exception of a few normal guys who I just didn't click with, there were TONS of red flags in others and how they treated me. I actually dated one who seemed normal, but the day I saw through his BS and ended it, I was elated!

I should have been sad it was over, but I was so stinking excited that my senses worked and KEPT ME SAFE. I called my friends, who laughed at my happiness over its demise.

Then I met a guy who truly touched me. He wasn't flashy or charming, but normal and sweet and attentive and loving...it was almost foreign to me, but I knew THIS was healthy. THIS is what it's supposed to feel like.

What I'm saying is that there are tons of messed up people out there. Your radar can go off constantly for days and it doesn't make it wrong. When someone is good and real, you will FEEL it and KNOW it. There shouldn't be any discomfort or lack of concern for your feelings. This guy is wrong.

I also think him saying he can't go if you go is another control thing. Otherwise, he would just be quiet and not go.

Take a deep breath and keep kicking out the toxic.

damascus1986

i once dated a woman 8 years oplder then me, after a few months she broke up with me throught text. told me she would put my stuff out in the gargae that i had left at her house. never gave me a reason. I was fine with it. odldy enough gave me a christmas present next to my stuff she put outside. some people are only here for a season some less then that.

a fundemental part of life and recovery is life on lifes terms.
one date is not worth this much thought.

amy55

I really don't know why this has been bothering me. Thinking about it now, I don't think I communicated clearly. It was as soon as he started in on things would be uncomfortable, strange, I asked to meet for lunch. When he kept on, I told him that things were over for us, but that I think we can be grown enough to be OK at this party together, and that I just wanted friendship. Then things kept going in a circle, and I just said that I am not doing this, and sorry that I asked you to lunch. I guess I can see where I might have been leading him on, even though I did say lunch would just be to reestablish friendship.

I really don't like people being mad at me or upset with me. But I just couldn't deal with that conversation anymore, and I just stopped communication.

2 weeks later, I get the "?" email. I'm not answering it. I don't care how he takes it. Don't care if he goes to this party, and don't care if he does if he ignores me.

I am 59, been out of the dating thing except with my abusive ex since age 23. I don't know what normal is. Prior to that marriage I was married previously to someone else who was abusive.

Sometimes I think that I think back to when things were good with my ex, (not that I am thinking about my ex) , I think back to the times that I was not afraid. I think back to when I liked being "me". Thought I was getting there, realizing maybe I am not.

On the brighter side, I did go into a state of depression on 7/6. I then got sick of myself. Yes, I was isolating, but got tired of watching TV. So got rid of 9 bags of clothes so far, and 5 bags of garbage.

Best news of the day so far,

Rosiepetal

No you're not.
Don't reply.
Take your power back.

damascus1986

u ever think about the idea that theres 7 billion people in the world?
too many to waste time on people that arent worth it. hope we have helped
vitamin b12 under the tounge helped me alot with my depression as well.

amy55

Hi damascus, and welcome to this side of the board. I started here in the newcomers section. I actually learned more from this side of the board. The peeps here are the ones that I trust. There are many times that I question my thinking. I actually belong on all the boards here.

I do want to thank you for your responses. I guess at times I forget because of my age that there are many other people in the world.

You gave me hope. Thank You.

amy

damascus1986

HAHAH well your welcome, just wanted to give u a guys point of view.

im defiently a addict found this forum becuase i needed some fellowship with people. ive moved 45 mins away from my home NA group.

i should probably question my own thinking more often hahah glad to be here.

amy55

I really do thank you for giving me the guys pov. I also love this place for companionship and also because I know there will be different views. Gotta admit I didn't like different views from mine in the beginning. Now I appreciate them. I'm not always thinking clearly.

Went thru a childhood where I couldn't bring a friend home, then 2 abusive relationships. Never knew what was normal and what wasn't.

Just really wanted to say, happy to meet you.

((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

damascus1986

nice to meet u too. speaking of normal...
heres one of my fave books by my fave author. might help

Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them 0310228646 | eBay