Reminder Needed
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Reminder Needed
Hi all,
not sure if you saw my lst post about me seeing my X last night titled Visitaion. Well I saw him, got some good closure, stayed on my side of the street and saw heard reality. He talked about us needing to work on ourselves , I said" I have been working on myself for the last year , I am feeling pretty good" . He then proceeded to say that "this time of the year" is not a good time to work on himself . really? I thought "when is a good time ? Id say NOW! ". You will be happy to know I did not say anyting , just let him be in his own world . He flirted with me and played a little grab ass, was very careful to not say its over , but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. I talked about closure , moving on ect.. . He also said , we irritated each other. I said , yes I think relationships are hard work , he said neither of us worked hard on it. I proceeded to tell him , I did work hard on it and that I think he is the one that did not work at it. So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH ! I need to get back to earth accept the end , and think clearly.
not sure if you saw my lst post about me seeing my X last night titled Visitaion. Well I saw him, got some good closure, stayed on my side of the street and saw heard reality. He talked about us needing to work on ourselves , I said" I have been working on myself for the last year , I am feeling pretty good" . He then proceeded to say that "this time of the year" is not a good time to work on himself . really? I thought "when is a good time ? Id say NOW! ". You will be happy to know I did not say anyting , just let him be in his own world . He flirted with me and played a little grab ass, was very careful to not say its over , but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. I talked about closure , moving on ect.. . He also said , we irritated each other. I said , yes I think relationships are hard work , he said neither of us worked hard on it. I proceeded to tell him , I did work hard on it and that I think he is the one that did not work at it. So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH ! I need to get back to earth accept the end , and think clearly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Rejection and disappointment cause us hurt and pain. This guy has done both to you AGAIN after 100 days of no contact, you allowed him to cause you pain again.
He told you he only wants to be friends, he told you he doesn’t want to change BUT all you are hearing is he was very careful to not say it’s over, but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. Now you are romanticizing about him getting healthy and then you and he riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
He told you a few days ago that he ONLY wants to be friends and that didn’t sit well with you because you are very much in love with him.
We can’t hold onto people who don’t want to be held. No matter how we attempt to spin their words, read into what they say or don’t say we need to accept what we don’t’ want to accept…..that it is over and it is time to move on with your life.
The more you see him, talk to him, correspond with him………….especially after he has told you he only wants to be friends the more you teach him that you pretty much will accept any crumbs he throws your way and that he can flirt and play grab ass whenever he feels like a little time with you.
Let go or be dragged, the choice is all yours.
He told you he only wants to be friends, he told you he doesn’t want to change BUT all you are hearing is he was very careful to not say it’s over, but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. Now you are romanticizing about him getting healthy and then you and he riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
He told you a few days ago that he ONLY wants to be friends and that didn’t sit well with you because you are very much in love with him.
We can’t hold onto people who don’t want to be held. No matter how we attempt to spin their words, read into what they say or don’t say we need to accept what we don’t’ want to accept…..that it is over and it is time to move on with your life.
The more you see him, talk to him, correspond with him………….especially after he has told you he only wants to be friends the more you teach him that you pretty much will accept any crumbs he throws your way and that he can flirt and play grab ass whenever he feels like a little time with you.
Let go or be dragged, the choice is all yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Well I saw him, got some good closure, stayed on my side of the street and saw heard reality
So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH !
which is it - you now have CLOSURE and its OVER - OR - you think any day now he will get "healthy" and come back and you can live happily ever after?
i'm curious, after the 100 days of no contact, who contacted whom?
So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH !
which is it - you now have CLOSURE and its OVER - OR - you think any day now he will get "healthy" and come back and you can live happily ever after?
i'm curious, after the 100 days of no contact, who contacted whom?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
The first reminder is this: nobody gives you closure. You find it within, just like forgiveness.
Another thing to remember: this is a man struggling with alcoholism. He is not well, and his actions and words will not only not be meaningful, but distorted and likely hurtful. You may think that telling him this or mentioning that, or asking about something from the past will help you, but the reality is you are giving him ammunition and an opportunity to hurt you. It won't give you closure, and will likely just give you more questions.
It's a nasty cycle to try to get closure from someone after a break up, and you never get it from anyone but yourself.
Now, the dog - let's just keep this simple. It's your dog. Period. The dog is not a child, and you have no obligation to grant visitation rights to your ex. You just gave him a reason to continue contacting you when bringing up the dog - notice that you brought the dog up, not him. If the dog were that meaningful to him, he would have brought it up before 3+ months of no contact (not to mention the previous split you had). Don't let your dog be used like this, because you'll end up resenting your dog. No more visitation.
There are a thousand "what ifs" and thoughts of what could come, but those are all dreams. What is real is the present, and that's what you need to focus on, as far as your ex is concerned. At the present, you are working to better yourself. He is not. At the present, he's jealous of your work while he's not trying to get better. Translation: he'll undermine your progress if you let him. If you think about it, he was expecting the same person that he wore down over the span of your relationship when you got back together. You weren't that same person, and be glad you weren't. You were a stronger person, and he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on like he did. That's why he ended it.
Now, he's seeing this random contact from you, and it's simply boosting his ego - he doesn't need to reach out because he still has you. This, although it seems like a slip-up, will actually help you in the end. That's because you're going to go no-contact again, he'll eventually realize he's lost you, and then he'll reach out with sad, pathetic apologies and excuses. However, you've got this to look back on to help you from falling for his trap again.
The alcoholic wins when they are able to keep their partner (ex or not) at their level. That means they can fall back on them, without meeting expectations or demands. That means they have someone to brush off the consequences of their choices and behavior onto. That means putting a pin in their own progress to get sober.
You are not married to him, you have no kids together, and the dog is yours. You have zero obligation to him, especially since he ended things. The best, very best, thing you can do is to walk away and let him lose you. Let him face the consequences of his actions, because that is the only way he'll have a chance at seeing the light.
What I've done since breaking up with an alcoholic boyfriend (almost a month now) is come to this forum when I think about the relationship, or think of reaching out. It helps, because there's usually an active story detailing the same kind of misery he put me through, and that serves as a great wake-up call. Just keep focusing on you and your own improvement, and chip those thoughts of him out of your head. Best of luck.
Another thing to remember: this is a man struggling with alcoholism. He is not well, and his actions and words will not only not be meaningful, but distorted and likely hurtful. You may think that telling him this or mentioning that, or asking about something from the past will help you, but the reality is you are giving him ammunition and an opportunity to hurt you. It won't give you closure, and will likely just give you more questions.
It's a nasty cycle to try to get closure from someone after a break up, and you never get it from anyone but yourself.
Now, the dog - let's just keep this simple. It's your dog. Period. The dog is not a child, and you have no obligation to grant visitation rights to your ex. You just gave him a reason to continue contacting you when bringing up the dog - notice that you brought the dog up, not him. If the dog were that meaningful to him, he would have brought it up before 3+ months of no contact (not to mention the previous split you had). Don't let your dog be used like this, because you'll end up resenting your dog. No more visitation.
There are a thousand "what ifs" and thoughts of what could come, but those are all dreams. What is real is the present, and that's what you need to focus on, as far as your ex is concerned. At the present, you are working to better yourself. He is not. At the present, he's jealous of your work while he's not trying to get better. Translation: he'll undermine your progress if you let him. If you think about it, he was expecting the same person that he wore down over the span of your relationship when you got back together. You weren't that same person, and be glad you weren't. You were a stronger person, and he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on like he did. That's why he ended it.
Now, he's seeing this random contact from you, and it's simply boosting his ego - he doesn't need to reach out because he still has you. This, although it seems like a slip-up, will actually help you in the end. That's because you're going to go no-contact again, he'll eventually realize he's lost you, and then he'll reach out with sad, pathetic apologies and excuses. However, you've got this to look back on to help you from falling for his trap again.
The alcoholic wins when they are able to keep their partner (ex or not) at their level. That means they can fall back on them, without meeting expectations or demands. That means they have someone to brush off the consequences of their choices and behavior onto. That means putting a pin in their own progress to get sober.
You are not married to him, you have no kids together, and the dog is yours. You have zero obligation to him, especially since he ended things. The best, very best, thing you can do is to walk away and let him lose you. Let him face the consequences of his actions, because that is the only way he'll have a chance at seeing the light.
What I've done since breaking up with an alcoholic boyfriend (almost a month now) is come to this forum when I think about the relationship, or think of reaching out. It helps, because there's usually an active story detailing the same kind of misery he put me through, and that serves as a great wake-up call. Just keep focusing on you and your own improvement, and chip those thoughts of him out of your head. Best of luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
thanks !
Yes , I did recognize manipulation by omission with him.
I'm good today , just makes me realize that he is not what I need or want in a healthy relationship. I got good closure , I am feeling free , free from self blame , free from worry , free from manipulation ( well sorta) .
After I left last night , A thought popped into my head , maybe I do not love him anymore, maybe I love the thought of a healthy , white picket fence life.
Yes , I did recognize manipulation by omission with him.
I'm good today , just makes me realize that he is not what I need or want in a healthy relationship. I got good closure , I am feeling free , free from self blame , free from worry , free from manipulation ( well sorta) .
After I left last night , A thought popped into my head , maybe I do not love him anymore, maybe I love the thought of a healthy , white picket fence life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by minime13 
The first reminder is this: nobody gives you closure. You find it within, just like forgiveness.
Another thing to remember: this is a man struggling with alcoholism. He is not well, and his actions and words will not only not be meaningful, but distorted and likely hurtful. You may think that telling him this or mentioning that, or asking about something from the past will help you, but the reality is you are giving him ammunition and an opportunity to hurt you. It won't give you closure, and will likely just give you more questions.
It's a nasty cycle to try to get closure from someone after a break up, and you never get it from anyone but yourself.
Now, the dog - let's just keep this simple. It's your dog. Period. The dog is not a child, and you have no obligation to grant visitation rights to your ex. You just gave him a reason to continue contacting you when bringing up the dog - notice that you brought the dog up, not him. If the dog were that meaningful to him, he would have brought it up before 3+ months of no contact (not to mention the previous split you had). Don't let your dog be used like this, because you'll end up resenting your dog. No more visitation.
There are a thousand "what ifs" and thoughts of what could come, but those are all dreams. What is real is the present, and that's what you need to focus on, as far as your ex is concerned. At the present, you are working to better yourself. He is not. At the present, he's jealous of your work while he's not trying to get better. Translation: he'll undermine your progress if you let him. If you think about it, he was expecting the same person that he wore down over the span of your relationship when you got back together. You weren't that same person, and be glad you weren't. You were a stronger person, and he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on like he did. That's why he ended it.
Now, he's seeing this random contact from you, and it's simply boosting his ego - he doesn't need to reach out because he still has you. This, although it seems like a slip-up, will actually help you in the end. That's because you're going to go no-contact again, he'll eventually realize he's lost you, and then he'll reach out with sad, pathetic apologies and excuses. However, you've got this to look back on to help you from falling for his trap again.
The alcoholic wins when they are able to keep their partner (ex or not) at their level. That means they can fall back on them, without meeting expectations or demands. That means they have someone to brush off the consequences of their choices and behavior onto. That means putting a pin in their own progress to get sober.
You are not married to him, you have no kids together, and the dog is yours. You have zero obligation to him, especially since he ended things. The best, very best, thing you can do is to walk away and let him lose you. Let him face the consequences of his actions, because that is the only way he'll have a chance at seeing the light.
What I've done since breaking up with an alcoholic boyfriend (almost a month now) is come to this forum when I think about the relationship, or think of reaching out. It helps, because there's usually an active story detailing the same kind of misery he put me through, and that serves as a great wake-up call. Just keep focusing on you and your own improvement, and chip those thoughts of him out of your head. Best of luck.
Another thing to remember: this is a man struggling with alcoholism. He is not well, and his actions and words will not only not be meaningful, but distorted and likely hurtful. You may think that telling him this or mentioning that, or asking about something from the past will help you, but the reality is you are giving him ammunition and an opportunity to hurt you. It won't give you closure, and will likely just give you more questions.
It's a nasty cycle to try to get closure from someone after a break up, and you never get it from anyone but yourself.
Now, the dog - let's just keep this simple. It's your dog. Period. The dog is not a child, and you have no obligation to grant visitation rights to your ex. You just gave him a reason to continue contacting you when bringing up the dog - notice that you brought the dog up, not him. If the dog were that meaningful to him, he would have brought it up before 3+ months of no contact (not to mention the previous split you had). Don't let your dog be used like this, because you'll end up resenting your dog. No more visitation.
There are a thousand "what ifs" and thoughts of what could come, but those are all dreams. What is real is the present, and that's what you need to focus on, as far as your ex is concerned. At the present, you are working to better yourself. He is not. At the present, he's jealous of your work while he's not trying to get better. Translation: he'll undermine your progress if you let him. If you think about it, he was expecting the same person that he wore down over the span of your relationship when you got back together. You weren't that same person, and be glad you weren't. You were a stronger person, and he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on like he did. That's why he ended it.
Now, he's seeing this random contact from you, and it's simply boosting his ego - he doesn't need to reach out because he still has you. This, although it seems like a slip-up, will actually help you in the end. That's because you're going to go no-contact again, he'll eventually realize he's lost you, and then he'll reach out with sad, pathetic apologies and excuses. However, you've got this to look back on to help you from falling for his trap again.
The alcoholic wins when they are able to keep their partner (ex or not) at their level. That means they can fall back on them, without meeting expectations or demands. That means they have someone to brush off the consequences of their choices and behavior onto. That means putting a pin in their own progress to get sober.
You are not married to him, you have no kids together, and the dog is yours. You have zero obligation to him, especially since he ended things. The best, very best, thing you can do is to walk away and let him lose you. Let him face the consequences of his actions, because that is the only way he'll have a chance at seeing the light.
What I've done since breaking up with an alcoholic boyfriend (almost a month now) is come to this forum when I think about the relationship, or think of reaching out. It helps, because there's usually an active story detailing the same kind of misery he put me through, and that serves as a great wake-up call. Just keep focusing on you and your own improvement, and chip those thoughts of him out of your head. Best of luck.
thank you , it is so hard to hear , but I have lived it so long .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Well I saw him, got some good closure, stayed on my side of the street and saw heard reality
So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH !
which is it - you now have CLOSURE and its OVER - OR - you think any day now he will get "healthy" and come back and you can live happily ever after?
i'm curious, after the 100 days of no contact, who contacted whom?
So today I am romantisizing about him getting healty and trying to work on our relationship. Future thinking , UGH !
which is it - you now have CLOSURE and its OVER - OR - you think any day now he will get "healthy" and come back and you can live happily ever after?
i'm curious, after the 100 days of no contact, who contacted whom?
Yes I messed up , yes I am weak when it comes to him , yes I want a real relationship, No I have not gotten to the acceptance stage in my grief yet.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
what does a REAL relationship look like to you?
Not quite sure yet.
I would say
Two people who are fully engaged in working on a partnership.
No fear that the person you are with truely wants to be with you
real communication
No Blame games
Humility on both ends.
Wow , I guess I am really not sure ..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by atalose
Rejection and disappointment cause us hurt and pain. This guy has done both to you AGAIN after 100 days of no contact, you allowed him to cause you pain again.
He told you he only wants to be friends, he told you he doesn’t want to change BUT all you are hearing is he was very careful to not say it’s over, but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. Now you are romanticizing about him getting healthy and then you and he riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
He told you a few days ago that he ONLY wants to be friends and that didn’t sit well with you because you are very much in love with him.
We can’t hold onto people who don’t want to be held. No matter how we attempt to spin their words, read into what they say or don’t say we need to accept what we don’t’ want to accept…..that it is over and it is time to move on with your life.
The more you see him, talk to him, correspond with him………….especially after he has told you he only wants to be friends the more you teach him that you pretty much will accept any crumbs he throws your way and that he can flirt and play grab ass whenever he feels like a little time with you.
Let go or be dragged, the choice is all yours.
He told you he only wants to be friends, he told you he doesn’t want to change BUT all you are hearing is he was very careful to not say it’s over, but very careful to not say anything about getting back together. Now you are romanticizing about him getting healthy and then you and he riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
He told you a few days ago that he ONLY wants to be friends and that didn’t sit well with you because you are very much in love with him.
We can’t hold onto people who don’t want to be held. No matter how we attempt to spin their words, read into what they say or don’t say we need to accept what we don’t’ want to accept…..that it is over and it is time to move on with your life.
The more you see him, talk to him, correspond with him………….especially after he has told you he only wants to be friends the more you teach him that you pretty much will accept any crumbs he throws your way and that he can flirt and play grab ass whenever he feels like a little time with you.
Let go or be dragged, the choice is all yours.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
IMO, the best foundation for a real, healthy relationship with someone else is a solid, healthy relationship with oneself. It was only when I was capable of being happy on my own that I was ready to share my life meaningfully with someone else.
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