dandylion

Forourgirls.....I appreciate your politeness........but, I know that to try to make you feel better feels like trivializing the experience of the pain.
your statement "I know all this, Peeps!" says it all.......

People don't want logic----they want empathy. Empathy is the balm.

(this applies to all people).

One never sees this in action more than in the experienced staff in funeral homes and hospice workers. If one observes them carefully---they never try to interfere with the pain......

dandylion

theseithakas

I think I've posted this before, but it really helps me to write down all the awful things my XA did to me. Whenever I get all nostalgic about the good times (which is sometimes really easy, because our break-up has been surprisingly amicable), I just flip back through that list and realize what a crazy train I was on.

redatlanta

My husband has a saying " There is usually more good than bad, but no one remembers the good, everyone remembers the bad". I think this is pretty true and certainly if you do any research on it its true that negative events have almost twice the affect of a positive one. As example, most people are more upset over losing $50 than they are happy at finding $50.

Its always puzzled me why when there is so much more bad in A relationships that we remember and romantasize the good. Its usually much, much less than the bad.

Anyways just food for thought. In my own experience the further away you get from it the less you miss it. In fact, your perspective may change entirely where a thought of your ex related to something positive makes the bile come up in your throat. I'm convinced that people that change on a dime, abandon spouses and family etc like this have personality disorder, or something else going on which was always there just hidden very well (and sometimes hidden by the alcoholism which is ironic).

velma929

if I didn't remember any of the positive stuff, I would be bitter.

I'm petty. Y'all may be/have/generate a bit more Zen.

Tansy

I have met so many great sober blokes since splitting with my exah that far from missing him I question what I ever saw in him. It part of my recovery that I ask myself that and work on myself to not make the same mistake again. So no I don't miss him. I actually wish I'd never met him.

Liveitwell

Thanks all-your responses have given me a lot to think about

standandwait

It has taken me two years without my ADAH to get over him. Two years of anger, pain, grief,and conflict. The emotions came and went like waves. But one day, they stopped. Now i can honestly say that i will be okay. I can move on. But it took time, and allowing myself to go through the emotions. Be easy on yourself, allow time to heal.

Liveitwell

Thanks-definitely goes in waves...I think I posted last week about feeling that I've moved on-I do feel that in a lot of ways. I don't think my heart has caught up with my head yet! I think I'll always miss the good but I know Gods in charge-so whatever He has laid out for me, I'm all in

Liveitwell

Redatlanta-just read the end of your response-must have missed it earlier....my oh my-nailed it. My exs alcohol assessment last year came back stating moderate to severe dependence with alcohol but the dr felt like my ex wasbt being honest (shocker) and that his alcoholism masked much larger mental health issues. Nailed it. Sad thing is I think my ex knows this-he's said as much. BUT he doesn't want to do anything about those issues - we, his wife and kids, were just to accept him bc as he told me many a drunk and slurring night, "I'm not changing for anyone-I am who I am-take it or leave it". Hmmm, ok. Don't miss that crap!

Kitty73

Hello, new here today but reading your words are really helping, really missing who he was, the hardest bit is when he's sober he still is that man.. until the drinking starts.. and the calm kind affectionate man disappears and is replaced with an arrogant dismissive often nasty person, devoid of any empathy and completely blind to how much it hurts me.. it's really hard to let go..

NYCDoglvr

You'll stay in that place as long as you wish. But focusing on a fantasy that cannot come true is such a waste of time. If you want to stop dwelling on what can't be, I suggest shifting your thinking to the reality of what he became.

Liveitwell

Yes-he is what he is. Obviously he would change and make different decisions if he thought anything he has done/is doing is wrong or unhealthy. Not my problem anymore.

LexieCat

Some of the sweetest words in the English language. I can't tell you how much relief they have brought me.

Not my monkey, not my circus.

PohsFriend

It's common to start trying to erase the good memories and decide things about how the other person feels or what matters to them. He has no desire to be that man again? I doubt that. Sadly he isn't able to be that man.

I say that not to **** you off but because those memories are part of you and those good times were real. It's tragic that things changed but you clearly treasured what once was and are hurt by what is today. It's easier sometimes to believe it was all a lie and we imagined it and then best ourselves up and believe the worst.

They were good times, nobody can take those memories away from you and his inability to get well is not a reflection on you or an indication of what you are worth. That's hard to let yourself believe sometimes.

Why oh why is it so much easier for us to believe the worst and so hard to believe the good stuff? I'm betting if there were any way he could he'd try to get that back. People do the best they can with the tool that they have at the point they are at in their life. sadly he doesn't have those tools at this point and it has cost him something wonderful he did not willingly throw it away.

I'm sad for him and for you but don't let the bad steal the good from you. You can cherish those memories and accept that they are from a time that has past with a person who can't fond their way back but who I am sure would if he were able to. Who would choose otherwise?

Liveitwell

^^ it wasn't a lie or imagined. I was happy and proud being his wife until it got so insanely out if control many years ago. I have good, great memories. I know in my heart he wanted to find his way back/just couldn't figure out how. I still believe he can. I know he can. Thank you for your response-I hear what you're saying-and trust me-nothjng here pisses me off-I'm not on this board to have people tell me I'm doing everything right-I'm here to learn, grow and share.

Liveitwell

@pohs friend, read through my threads and let me know in a pm if you still feel the same way.

PohsFriend

Honestly when I read what you wrote I could practically feel the hurt and sadness and after all that you have lost the idea that you might not even be able to keep the happy memories seemed so unfair. So... ...well damnit it pissed me off to think this brutal f---ing disease that can steal our future dreams might reach back and steal your past too?

Sorry my friend I'm a mess of emotions right now and I'm still reeling from my Wife's sponsee dying so damned needlessly and I'm ranting a bit at the injustice of what this thing does to good people and the people who love them and forgive me... I read what you said and I kinda sorta screamed NO! No you brutal miserable little f--- you don't get to take any more so leave her alone and let her and the kids remember happy times.

...it's conceivable that I get a tad emotional sometimes but I know that you don't need me to tell you any of this... I was yelling at IT and hurting for you.

Hug your girls for me and know that I pray that new happy memories are waiting for you guys because you deserve them.

I pray for him too just as I know you do.

searching peace

Forourgirls, I think Pohs makes sense. I also think it would help your girls as they grow older and begin to ask more questions. I think it would be beneficial for them to know how much love existed when they were brought into the world. My kids dad (not an A) has abandoned them. It is horrible to watch my children struggle to understand how anyone could be this way to their own children. I cannot say he was anything other than sick and has only grown more sick and disturbed as the years have passed. I know it would have been helpful for their piece of mind if they knew he was ever a good person. I hope you are able to remember the good times, realize they are in the past and be able to move forward to different good times with your girls.

NYCDoglvr

Something that helped me: "a leopard doesn't change his spots"

Liveitwell

Yes to both above. My daughter struggles with why her dad doesn't show up to anything and in her words "how could daddy miss my birthday party" followed by tears. She's shed many tears-started way before we were separated. We were looking through photo albums and she picked out our wedding album and another of before she was born-she didn't say much but at the end asked me if daddy was nice back then bc he's mean now. I just started crying and hugged her and said, "yes, baby, he was pretty spectacular". I don't do anything but give her truth. All of the truth-which includes the good stuff. She at least has some good memories. I'm happy about that. I refuse to have anger and resentment in my heart and I will raise her to do the same and to forgive but not accept unacceptable behavior. Period.