Liveitwell

Missing the good stuff-the way he would look in my eyes and I knew he loved me-I know he's no longer that person and I know he has no desire to stop drinking-or be a responsible adult-spouse or parent-he's shown all of those by his actions. I know he's not the person I thought he was. I miss the guy that would get hot abd sweaty while working out in the yard, build things and was happier doing manual labor jobs than wearing a suit or dressing up each day-I miss that guy. I know he's gone and has done horrible, horrible things BUT I wonder, do you ever stop missing him? Or do you always miss the good things even though you've moved on?

Thanks for listening!

dandylion

forourgirls.....here is my particular experience with that----when I was able to move forward enough to have that same "good stuff" with another guy---who was ALSO able to treat me and the relationship the right way---- those old memories didn't have the same pull.....
It takes a while---you have to MOVE ON with your life, first.....

Trust me...he is not the only man on the planet who is able to light your fire.....

dandylion

theseithakas

I think you always remember the good stuff and it always sort of pulls at your heart strings. That said, it does get easier and easier every day.

Liveitwell

Thank you-nice to read your responses this morning

daffodil1

I was wondering this too. I'm glad that I am not the only one. Though I try not to think about moving on and being happy with someone else, i take comfort in it in a wired sort of way.

The way I am looking at things now is i need a few years on my own to financially sort me and my little girl out and then it will be time to move on and be happy. Though I am missing him I am taking comfort in the fact that (for the majority of the time) things are better without him!

I hope you can take comfort in that too. Memories are great, but if the bad outweigh the good they are not really memories, I see them more as illusions of what life should have been like.

Hope that makes sense to you.

Praying

This made me think.

Childbirth has always intrigued me. If I'm honest, I had miserable pregnancies with lots of weird, difficult symptoms. My first labor was 20 hours of intense pain with contractions two minutes apart, one minute long...followed by three hours of hard pushing and horrendous repair. My son screamed constantly and never slept for over a year.

...and one day I thought, wouldn't it be cool to do this again? It was a good experience...

Let me be clear. It was NOT. As was proven again...till I said...maybe again! I loved having a baby!

Our minds are so good at romanticizing our pasts. Probably a good survival thing. For me, X was so mean for a long time, and I still faltered with his soft look, and had dreams for a long time where the sweet guy was back...but I knew it wasn't real. I missed the THOUGHT of him, not the real him.

We are built to love and find companionship. In craving and needing that, sometimes I think we place it on our X's because it's what we know.

HoldOnLoosely

I don't have an answer. I just wanted to offer words of encouragement. It'll take time to move forward in your life. There will be ups and downs. I don't think the memories will completely go away. Rather, they will fade with time and other life experiences. Go easy on yourself.

horsegirl

That is a good question you pose . I think I will always miss my XBF , although I have been struggling with breaking up with him for over a year . Codependency has its grips on me , tight!
Maybe its that the one pwerson i want chooses to be alone and unhealthy over me. that is a hard pill to swallow.
Hugs and hope for you , as I hope for myself.

searching peace

Forourgirls, today I was cleaning out old notes on my phone. I had smashed my previous phone and didn't save some things on the cloud before this happened. But other things from the cloud had loaded on my new phone. So I was going back and deleting notes from 2010. I was surprised when I came across a note that I had written one night talking about how miserable I was with my AH. I wrote the exact same things down a few nights ago. It really shocked me that for five years or longer, my AH has been treating me the same and making me feel the same things. But those little spurts of him being kind of nice, or the good memories I have seemed to have out weighed every bad moment. Seeing it in black and white, I could not deny what this has man has done to me and to my children continuously for way too long. Just because I want him to be the man he is in those very rare moments doesn't make him that man. He never will be that man and probably never was. He just knows what to do and how to do enough to pull me back in. And he has been very successful for years. My point is, make sure what you are remembering and missing is truly how it was and not just glimpses into what you wanted it to be. He chose drinking over you and your girls. Like nothing you do or ever did or said mattered at all. You deserve so much better and so do your daughters. You are providing the life your girls need. You are doing fabulous! You do not need some sweaty man working in the yard to make you happy!!! You have such a good heart and spirit that God closed this door so that he could open a better one for you!

Liveitwell

I know. I don't know if I ever really knew him. Not sure who he has turned into but there's nothing good about it. What a coward. Yes-I miss who I thought he was.

searching peace

I know it is hard. But try to focus on you and the girls. And when you start to miss who you thought he was, look at all of the struggles you and the girls are having to go through because of his choices. Hopefully that will help you not miss who he is now! Sending hugs!!!

Liveitwell

Thanks-trust me, he has no earthly idea what he's put us through. Not one clue...and I don't forget that. I forgive but will never forget.

Liveitwell

God ble-ssed today has been rough-my oldest wanted to look at pictures tonight so we cuddled in bed and she grabbed some albums. Pictures from the first years her dad and I were together-and pictures of our wedding. Pictures showing the flowers he always got me every new place we traveled-picture showing someone I remember turning to and leaning on me when times got tough, not the bottle. And there was me-drink in hand in almost every picture just like him. He used to make me smile the biggest smile. To tell you the truth there were times I still got butterflies when I saw him-even when we were separated before the divorce. He just did it for me, in every way. I miss that guy so much and today really hurts. I haven't felt like this in a while-the struggle is real, y'all!!! thanks again for listening.

Refiner

Hi, Four... I find you really romantasizing what you and your AH have going on. Just want to gently point that out and ask that you read some of your old threads.

dandylion

ForourGirls......don't forget that you are going to go through the stages of grieving over the demise of the relationship....from what y ou had/wanted.....to what it is now.
If a person invests in a relationship----there is always grieving.....even if the person is "better off" without the relationship---there is still pain for the loss....

It will help (some) if you will expect these waves of grief to come.....and, ride them out..... There will be many tears. Go ahead and cry.
Eventually....in about a year...it will feel very much different.
I am sorry to tell you this.....but, the the only way around this is straight through it.

Short-term pain for long-term gain.

When the time is right....and you have your ducks properly in a row....you can have that big, big smile again.

dandylion

Liveitwell

Refiner-spot on. I just got done with a 6 mile run after putting the girls down and my head is much clearer. He's turned into a monster-whoever he was is gone. I'm glad he's gone. But id be lying if I said I didn't miss the good stuff-that's all. The good always led to more bad so it wasn't really good was it!

Liveitwell

Dandy-as an ACOA and married to an alcoholic I always tried to avoid or cover up my pain. I stopped doing that a few years ago and no matter how hard this all has been I will continue walking right through. It's the only way to really heal. I know all this, peeps!!! I feel like an alcoholic that just relapsed...back on the wagon for me

dandylion

Forourgirls........perhaps you feel like I am patronizing......sorry.
Maybe, I was "preaching to the choir" without realizing it.

I should have conveyed MORE----that I "get the pain" (God knows that I have been there).
I am not trying to take your pain away. That is never the thing to do. People need the pain to carry them through the grieving process--so there can be true healing. (strange as that might sound to some people)

In my desire to bring comfort---I got too far ahead of myself.....

In short---I get your pain. And, it really does suck big jagged rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Liveitwell

Dandy-NOT at all, sister!!!!! I value the truth and hearing the hard stuff I need to hear!

dandylion

I have a confession to m ake.......I am sometimes too anxious to offer comfort-----because I think I identify so much with the pain of the grief.
That pain that feels so encompassing that it is impossible to feel anything else. I remember it too well....lol!

The cardinal rule when someone is in acute pain, like that is....Do NOT take away the pain. It took me a while to learn that----but, I STILL slip up, sometimes, on that.

It is BACK TO BASICS for me!

dandylion