ExhaustedA

I'm OFFICIALLY addicted to my ex. I moved away seven weeks ago because I know myself too well. If I stayed, I would stalk his place (our old place together) I would drive myself to insanity, trying to get him to want me even though I don't want him back. We talk almost daily, fight a lot because I ask about the other girl. She's 20, he's 39. He cheated on me with her, broke up with me, and pursued her. It's 7 months now of them.
I found out by her she moved away two weeks ago to another state. But he begs her to move back and to live with him! He has a history of moving females in then kicking them out. She refuses. She said she loves him dearly but she can't be with a liar, and didn't want an open relationship (he's slept with me the entire time with her, and met other females out) but Sunday he is flying her back for a few days. He told me he wants to be single, he's not with her the entire time until yesterday. Yesterday he said she's his gf, they are together and for me to walk away (we were fighting because I contacted her through an app of his, yes I hacked his app, I know I've been acting crazy ) she said, and he said he doesn't want me, he wants her. But she moved?!? She's been ok with everything he has done and still formed a "love" for him. She knows he drinks, did drugs, sells drugs, lies, and she admitted what he did to me was horrible and she's sorry for me. She doesnt care what he does is her attitude. How?? I'm assuming he's been telling g her he loves her, begs her to come back, says he will do better, JUST LIKE HE DID TO ME. He contradicts everything he told me about us breaking up four months ago. (He needs to fix himself, it's not about dating others, he still loves me and knows we will be together in the future) complete utter bs. He has strung me along by calling, saying he thought we could be friends!!! I'm supposed to be happy for them? I thought this was a rebound because he never was single, cheated for several months during, then pursued her after.
Is she delusional about him? Is he delusional? He lies soooooo much and has hurt me so deeply. When I sleep, I wake up with unbearable anxiety. My limbs tingle. I have to meditate my thoughts on being a better human being. I start getting better, then snoop to find him being a liar, and take tensteps back. These two people have hurt me so much.
He wasn't happy and cheated.He was gone every night wasted and doing drugs. I fought hard with him. Is this my fault? Am I being punished? Why does he get to win? He's happy with me gone, happy with her and loves her. He told me he has no feelings for me, that he has his closure and for me to move on cuz he doesn't care.
Why am I the only one suffering???? His last text was he hopes I forgive him one day....I blocked his calls for the first time so I'll never know if he calls. He jumped back and forth between this kid and me for months. In broken. I'm lost. I'm angry. I wish karma would get both of them. I'm not a bad person, I just got into a very bad situation with a selfish man who never really loved me or respected me. I wish someone could help me, this feeling is the worst.

Butterfly

((((Hugs)))) exhausted. It's good that you e blocked him on your phone. Have you removed him from FB and all other social media sites so your not tempted to contact him or look at what's he's doing and what his gf is doing? This only causes you more hurt and distress.

What are you doing for you, to keep the focus on you, how you feel, what you want? Do you even know how you feel deep down and what you want. I maintained contact with my ex a, begging and pleading for him to come home. I tried no contact but always broke it. Thanks to this forum I began to see that when I wasn't having contact with him I was calmer and more focused on me. My ex a eventually told me he didn't want contact with me as it was better for me. You know what he was right and it was the best thing he has ever done for me. I began to focus on me, how I felt not how he was if he was ok and not trying to fix us. I have started to unravel some pretty emotional stuff that I blocked out. I wouldn't have been able to do this if I was still having contact with him or knew what he was doing .

Do you have a counsellor or attend alanon?

No new contact, no new pain!!

You will come through this I promise you, your feeling heartbroken hurt and betrayed but eventually the pain does ease, it did for me. But I needed a lot of help, still do. SR, counselling and some amazing friends.

ExhaustedA

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Couch surfing. Looking into schools for physical therapy. Jobs near those schools. Right now I have no money, no job, no home to call my own. I moved up there and moved in with him, two years later he wanted me out, and looks like he wants her to move back, and move in. She told me she wouldn't after she saw how he treated me, but who knows. I've been writing, reading, went to one all anon meeting, but still I feel so empty. I wanted him to be my special one, wanted him to change, and he did....for the worse.
He can go with out drinking, but then falls back into it. His life seems fine. A girl who loves him, daily hustle for work, has all his buddies, and I'm gone, so he can live in peace.
I hope no contact helps me heal MUCH FASTER, because this has been going on since last fall. I'm so exhausted, and it's so bad for my health. Im no spring chicken anymore, and I'm competing with a 20 year old for a guy who doesn't even want me. She has nothing on me, im not threatened by her looks, body, job, life. I find her quite ghetto and surprised with his choice to be with her. So my obsession with her confuses me. I've never put this much effort into another woman. But then I've never had another female accept a guys behavior like my ex and stick around. I just want it to all go away. I want them to suffer, to be miserable, I want him to treat her as bad as he treated me.

lillamy

After I left my ex, a therapist told me that sometimes, healing cannot happen until you get distance -- physical, mental, and emotional -- from a person who has hurt you.

I'm glad you blocked his calls. What worked for me was going a step further: Having absolutely no contact, blocking him on social media, and refusing to engage. Your ex sounds like he enjoys "catch-and-release fishing", stringing women along, and then dumping them when he feels like it.

You are obsessed with him. And just like an alcoholic needs to break the habit of drinking by NOT drinking, you need to break the habit of your ex by stopping the obsessive checking on his life, and how he's doing. You've suffered enough: It's time you start playing the lead in your own life instead of a bit part in his. (((hugs)))

LexieCat

Oh, and stop talking to his "girlfriend" or whatever she is. Just stop. No possible good or healing for you can come of it.

Try thinking of everything connected with him as poison to you. Because it is.

redatlanta

You seem to be as disappointed in her and what she has said she would do as you are in him. She is doing the exact same thing you did. Leave her alone, having contact with you is part of their sick game trust she tells him every single thing you say to her, and he plots accordingly. Your obsession with her is to try and get her to "see" what a loser he is so she will leave him. Its not going to work.

I got a hold of one of these sickos once and al I can tell you is his alcoholism is the least of his problems. This person has some really deep issues, personality disorder, possible mental disorder. The behavior borders on a true sociopath though I lean more toward narcissistic personality and/or Borderline Personality as sociopath are rare.

Now some truths - he hasn't strung you along since last fall, YOU have strung you along. You have sacrificed your moral values in desperation and that will really mess you up. You continued a relationship with this man when he was seeing and sleeping with someone else, and lying about every other word out of his mouth.

What you perceive as happiness is not nor will it ever be. This man is a person who is never satisfied with anything and is a very empty soul. He doesn't have a clue what love is, a good relationship, a deep friendship, he simply cruises through life finding new victims for his sick games and will always be disappointed. What an empty life.

If you want "revenge" there is one way to get it. Get healthy and move on. Make a pact to stay away. If you can you will start getting perspective. The better you feel about yourself the less you will want to have anything to do with this. Make yourself be busy every single day.

Katiekate

No wonder you are exhausted, you keep hooking around into this drama.

You are causing most of your won pain, I did too, took me sometime to learn that lesson.

No contact is the only way out. The longer you keep that connection open , the longer you will suffer. And stop messaging with his girlfriend, what they do is none of your business, what you do it none of theirs. These relationships are incredibly toxic.

FeelingGreat

Exhausted, I congratulate you on knowing yourself well enough to go no contact and move away. You ARE addicted to him, and if going cold turkey is painful, it's nothing to the long-term damage to yourself.
Your actions are obsessive, which I'm sure you know, and I suggest you talk to a doctor who could help with anxiety right now and refer you for counselling. Don't try to do this on your own; everyone needs help sometime.

ExhaustedA

I hope you all will me proud of me, I blocked his number Thursday after our "final" fight. He doesn't understand why I can't be friends, I can't understand how he can sleep with a 20 year old?!?! She told me that he begs for her to move back and move in with him. (She moved out of state 3 weeks ago). Though he told me he would never live with a girl again after me! But what she stated, him wanting her, not wanting me, how she loves him, he loves her, he will never be faithful to me, I was her!! He would beg me back, make promises, wanted me to live with him. Hes doing the same exact thing with her. The ex before me, he moved her in, then kicked her out, twice! That ex and I are cordial, we have many mutual friends and she expressed that my relationship was very similar to theirs and she was glad I got out of that toxic hell. She too said he had a million issues and knows he will never change. This dumb girl thinks he LOVES her, that she's DIFFERENT, that she's the prize. Crazy to see it in perspective, he's got a long history of doing the same crap to different girls. I fell victim, we all did. I'm disgusted with him as a person. I feel used, betrayed, crapped on, and tossed into the garbage when he was through with me. He can't be alone, he NEEDS someone there at all times. It didn't matter who, I realize this as he chose a girl who has nothing to offer him, nothing for him to use, except her body. He's a bad person in my eyes, and I'm embarrassed I allowed this to all happen. I hate him. Good riddance.

FeelingGreat

You won't regret blocking him EA. It will gradually get better from now on; just hold the line.

ExhaustedA

My next question is, did he suffer at all? Regardless of breaking up, moving me out, destroying me, moving on to her so quickly, does this person even have a heart? He keeps himself so busy hustling around town selling drugs of every sort, always has buddies around to hang with, at the bars, workout n play basketball with, makes a ton of time to call her and obviously fill my spot with her! He told me it wasn't easy for him, that it's hard not to speak with me, he couldn't imagine me in his life, stringing me along with his daily phone calls all while continuing his relationship. I can't believe how evil he is. I don't like him as a person. I feel like alcohol doesn't make him do all this terrible stuff, that there's so much more going on. That he has deeper core issues. He lies about EVERYTHING, he cheats continuously, he chose to sell drugs at 37 now he's 39, he has his son help him who now lives with him at 22 years old, there's no moral foundation to this being. I was so ready to leave last summer, when I thought my hatred was at its peak, but I stuck around. I never knew he was so capable of being such a rotten person to me, and now that HE walked away and HE doesn't want me, I feel like im the loser in this. If I let this kind of person break up with me, what does that say about ME? I struggle a lot with that question, and why I fought so hard to keep him vs being happy he found her and letting me off the hook? Logically I get all of it, emotionally I can't understand why I'm so sad/depressed/heartbroken over such a p.o.s. Why am I not excited to begin a new? Why am I angry at both of them? He's showed me long enough what kind of guy he is, he doesn't care about his family or friends, why am I upset he didn't care about me? This emotional side is the part I'm desperate to understand so I can forgive myself and move on.

ExhaustedA

You hit home on a lot that you wrote. Alcohol is just ONE of his major issues. Hes a liar about everything, he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had, he plays the victim. We got to a point of physical and emotional abuse. I'm guilty for playing apart of that. I would get so terribly angry and break things, shout, threaten, name call. I'm embarrassed of my actions. I never want to be that person again.

LexieCat

I'd suggest, if you really want to be free, that you stop trying to figure HIM out and work on figuring yourself out. Ultimately it doesn't matter why he did what he did; what matters is that you work on yourself so you're never in a position to be locked into a relationship like that again.

ExhaustedA

Why is it that I understand everything going on logically, but emotionally feel like I'm a hundred steps behind? As of last summer, I HATED him, I slept on the couch so many nights when he would come home wasted, I wanted out, I felt stuck, I felt resentment for him choosing this new job lifestyle, over me! The other girl isn't bothered by it because that's how she met him, but I didn't!! He was never a great boyfriend but he did things others didn't ever do for me, and he loved me(or so I thought). In the end he watched me crumble, cry, fall into a deep depression because of his choices, and turned his back on me....I've read enough, talked enough, learned what I could to understand an addicts personality, but I still can't get it through my head. He turned into a monster and turned me into one too. I left the relationship way before he cheated, but I stuck around hoping he would fix himself. How does a 39 year old man choose such awful decisions? One after another? Drinking too much, selling coke, doing coke, cheating, lying, stealing from his friends, move his son in and expose him to his effed up world??? How hasn't anyone said something or stepped away from this bad behavior other than me???? Ive been replaced with a girl with no morals, half my age, who thinks he wants her life she's something special. I feel like ABSOLUTE crap emotionally. He's blocked from all contact now. My brain just won't shut up!

Praying

Ever hear of the wizard who could convince everyone in a crowd to fight over a piece of dog poop as if it were gold? Not to be blunt, but this guy is masterful with his "I'm in, I'm out" behavior to make women want him and obsessively NEED him and fight for him...without really recognizing what they are "winning". Look closely. I smell poop.

It hurts, yes, until you get off the ride. Then, I promise, it is exhilaratingly beautiful.

He is stuck. He likely hates himself, or at best, feels empty. His prize is a life with himself. Seeking, substituting, never quite living, probably avoiding hard personal work for a very long time. He is not happy.

Your prize, should you choose it, is a life with YOU! How do you want that to be? You CAN be as happy as you allow yourself to be by looking inside and working on you.

I often hoped my XAH would regret it and realize what he missed out on. But that's not the point. I've built a good life without him, and all that matters is that I realize what I missed out on. And I say...whew! I don't like poop.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.

ExhaustedA

Thank you, I feel like I'm still seeking reassurance that I'm not the one who dragged another person down with me. But I don't need reassurance, I know I didn't do this! It's that emotional or ego or whatever side of me that wants to punish myself for something I did not do! I did the best I could, time to move up and move on.

Kimmieh

You just got entangled with a toxic person you happened to fall in love with. A lot of what you write here reminds me of a relationship break-up I had a long time ago (10 years ago). He (not an alcoholic or addict) had someone else, cheated for a while, then told me when I asked him outright. I was absolutely devastated, had the worst depression and anxiety of my life (I almost admitted myself one night). I had the tingly limbs you describe and just could not function, I wanted to harm myself, I drank a bottle of wine each evening. I stalked them online, took his daily calls, tried to figure him out, hoped he would come back, let him manipulate the living hell out of me. It was absolutely awful.

This went on for three months until one day I did not respond to his phone call. He left a message demanding that I call him back. The next day he called and I did answer. He told me that the evening before he was depressed and had a gun under his bed and had he killed himself, it would have been because I did not answer. I cut all contact after that. I stopped looking at their online activity and really did start to heal from that point forward. Now when I look back I don't care the very least about him anymore. He cheated on her, cheated on the next woman, and the next and will continue to do so. He is stuck, unhappy, and pathetic. It sounds like a cliche, but it really is true that living well is the best response. These are profoundly unhappy people with horrible lives.

ExhaustedA

His aunt told me to walk away last summer, said he was a repeat offender, that she's watched them come and go. (She was like an older sister, closest relationship he has with anyone and they're dysfunctional) she stepped away when she saw the coke all over the apartment, she told me!! I listened, I just didn't act fast enough. She also told me of his horrible upbringing, druggy parents, father left when he was 10, hatred and resented his mother for being such a poor role model. He always said I was JUST like his mother??!!! ...because I yelled. But I never left his side, took care of him when I found him doped out of his mind in a drug house last year (gone for 24 hours)or when he came home with his face bashed in after getting wasted. I ran his errands, paid his bills, grocery shopped, baked, lent him my vehicle for a year when he had no car, I was a good little" house wife". I was happy to do it! But he did nothing in return. I feel ashamed of myself, I tried to make a relationship with someone who mentally checked out as soon as I moved in. He takes NO responsibility for anything he's said or done. I can't feel sorry for his post if he continues to be a sh*try person as an adult. We all have choices. I moved into his town, his place, and felt so unwanted and rejected. When we fight, he would demand I get out of "his" place. Spit on me, shove me, threaten to punch my face in! I love you, I hate you, get your sh*t and get out. Every time I left, he called over and over and told me to come "home". And our last conversation last week he said he never wants to be with someone like me, that he hates me, he's moved on, he will never contact me again. Why? Because I snooped in his stuff and found all the information I needed. Because I contacted her and found out the truth he refused to give me. After everything he didn't think he owed me anything. No explanation, no sorry, no nothing. He just expected me to be his friend!!! I really loathe this awful creature I once called my boyfriend.

schnappi99

you got off the express elevator to perdition- sounds like it was cheap at the price considering what some go through.

the sun on your face is a new day, a new chance to walk free & rediscover life

the sun on his face is one more day trying to find the next score to keep the darkness away and each one works a little less than the last.

redatlanta

I think a lot of it has to do with rebuilding your own life when it appears his is just trucking along just fine. We expect the Karma train to hit instantly and it doesn't. That produces anger. Just have to move above it.