First post, not sure what to do...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 26
First post, not sure what to do...
I just tried to post, but I must have messed up somewhere and deleted it?... But this is the first day I have ever been on this site..I am so thankful I found it....
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year, we met on vacation- where we both drank heavily together, I thought it was because we were on vacation we were both blowing off steam, and that's all it was. When we got home, we started dating- I knew he was a heroin addict before we started dating, and I told him he needs to quite before we could date..He was clean for a while, since we have been dating I believe (what I have found out, or what he has told me is he has reylasped about 2-3 times).....What I didn't know when we started dating that he is also a alcoholic.
I do love this man. I am 22, and he is 27. I want to so badly believe that he is going to quite drinking, but today I am just going out of my mind. for the last few nights, I have came home from work to him being very drunk, and when he is drunk, he can be very mean, yell and accuse me of odd things- I just try to go to bed... After dealing with this last night, I come home today to him being as drunk....He is sleeping in the bedroom now, and I am in a different room, but when I was driving home I had knots in my stomach that I might come home and find him relapsed with drugs, and maybe dead, or accidentally hurt himself while drunk. I don't know what to do anymore, he has said he needs help, and reminds me that I do love him and need to help him get through this...What I have taken the most from these blogs already is that a person needs to do it for themselves, they have to want to stop drinking, and that this can be a viscous cycle that may never stop...I should say that I am dependent on him, I work hard but I do not make enough to pay for rent...So I feel as if I am in between a rock and a hard place- I want to leave, and let him think of getting himself clean and sober, I want to stop giving him chances, but I DO love him, and am scared when I do leave him alone (even for a 8 hour shift at work)...I don't know what to do! maybe this is just ranting, but today is hard....I having 1,000 thoughts in my head, and have been crying all day. Its a odd feeling, I am so hurt and upset right now, but I do want to comfort him.....Any advice?
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year, we met on vacation- where we both drank heavily together, I thought it was because we were on vacation we were both blowing off steam, and that's all it was. When we got home, we started dating- I knew he was a heroin addict before we started dating, and I told him he needs to quite before we could date..He was clean for a while, since we have been dating I believe (what I have found out, or what he has told me is he has reylasped about 2-3 times).....What I didn't know when we started dating that he is also a alcoholic.
I do love this man. I am 22, and he is 27. I want to so badly believe that he is going to quite drinking, but today I am just going out of my mind. for the last few nights, I have came home from work to him being very drunk, and when he is drunk, he can be very mean, yell and accuse me of odd things- I just try to go to bed... After dealing with this last night, I come home today to him being as drunk....He is sleeping in the bedroom now, and I am in a different room, but when I was driving home I had knots in my stomach that I might come home and find him relapsed with drugs, and maybe dead, or accidentally hurt himself while drunk. I don't know what to do anymore, he has said he needs help, and reminds me that I do love him and need to help him get through this...What I have taken the most from these blogs already is that a person needs to do it for themselves, they have to want to stop drinking, and that this can be a viscous cycle that may never stop...I should say that I am dependent on him, I work hard but I do not make enough to pay for rent...So I feel as if I am in between a rock and a hard place- I want to leave, and let him think of getting himself clean and sober, I want to stop giving him chances, but I DO love him, and am scared when I do leave him alone (even for a 8 hour shift at work)...I don't know what to do! maybe this is just ranting, but today is hard....I having 1,000 thoughts in my head, and have been crying all day. Its a odd feeling, I am so hurt and upset right now, but I do want to comfort him.....Any advice?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! Well, you were living before you met him, right? You had a place to live and were supporting yourself, true? Or were you living with your folks?
It doesn't sound as if he's inclined to quit drinking just yet (and might still be using, as well), and as you know if you've been reading around here, it isn't likely that the situation will improve as long as he's doing either one.
He's telling you he "needs you" to "help him get through this." What is HE doing? To recover, I mean. It sounds as if he's just coasting along and enjoying your company when he's not too messed up to enjoy it.
I remember coming home from work with those knots in MY stomach. It's an awful way to live. I left my alcoholic a few months after I married him, because I didn't want to live that way.
I'd suggest you start going to Al-Anon, which will help you calm down so you can see more clearly what you are dealing with and make good choices for yourself.
It doesn't sound as if he's inclined to quit drinking just yet (and might still be using, as well), and as you know if you've been reading around here, it isn't likely that the situation will improve as long as he's doing either one.
He's telling you he "needs you" to "help him get through this." What is HE doing? To recover, I mean. It sounds as if he's just coasting along and enjoying your company when he's not too messed up to enjoy it.
I remember coming home from work with those knots in MY stomach. It's an awful way to live. I left my alcoholic a few months after I married him, because I didn't want to live that way.
I'd suggest you start going to Al-Anon, which will help you calm down so you can see more clearly what you are dealing with and make good choices for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I second alanon.
Also start saving money. Move back home if needed.
I was with my ex for a year and a half. Love of my life..all that. I started to see red flags early on and the last six months were filled with a lot of anxiety and sadness on my part. He told me I filled a void in his life....he needed me. Unfortunately I needed a lot of things too.
Long story short it probably won't get better. So if you can't leave now, prepare for the future. Read a lot on this site. It's so helpful. I hope the best for you!
Also start saving money. Move back home if needed.
I was with my ex for a year and a half. Love of my life..all that. I started to see red flags early on and the last six months were filled with a lot of anxiety and sadness on my part. He told me I filled a void in his life....he needed me. Unfortunately I needed a lot of things too.
Long story short it probably won't get better. So if you can't leave now, prepare for the future. Read a lot on this site. It's so helpful. I hope the best for you!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you've found us. (((Hugs)))
I've known those thoughts and fears all too well for many years. It took me a long time to get to Alanon, and still more time before I started going regularly. I was so used to being focused on my husband, the drinking, the problems (and potential problems) and trying to keep life contained and controlled that I had no idea how to truly care for and take care of me.
Once I finally made Alanon a priority, along with working the steps and getting a sponsor, my mind has been quieting down, my anxiety is very infrequent and I'm finding my own recovery. Life is good. I want to enjoy it, and am learning how.
One day at a time, baby steps, and life does get better!
I've known those thoughts and fears all too well for many years. It took me a long time to get to Alanon, and still more time before I started going regularly. I was so used to being focused on my husband, the drinking, the problems (and potential problems) and trying to keep life contained and controlled that I had no idea how to truly care for and take care of me.
Once I finally made Alanon a priority, along with working the steps and getting a sponsor, my mind has been quieting down, my anxiety is very infrequent and I'm finding my own recovery. Life is good. I want to enjoy it, and am learning how.
One day at a time, baby steps, and life does get better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
2 years with AH...he would quit for a week, then go back to drinking...one day it would be just a few drinks, the next a 12 pack...I too had knots in my stomach when I would drive home, not knowing what to expect, except he would just be getting started since we both have day jobs. We have kids (both from previous relationships) so I was trying to protect them too...hoping that them seeing him drink wouldn't affect them...I hoped it would get better but never did...it got worse. DUI and then public intoxication. Even after that he still does not admit he has a problem. On top of all of this I also had the verbal abuse. I walked on egg shells, trying not to say the wrong thing...try to say things the "right" way, try not to **** him off. It didn't matter what I did...he found something to be mad about me.
I know this is about you...just want you read some of my story. I clung to the good times...he wasn't always like this. he was sweet, loving, told me he loved me every day, told me I was beautiful..but it was just so confusing.,,,how could he say those things when he would go on his lectures and call me names when he was drunk? I am so sorry you are going through this. It is soooo hard....especially being on the fence. Start making your plan B...that is what I did...look at other apts, ask friends or family to stay with them...pack up a few things and take them some where safe. You will know when you are ready. We are here for you...we may not be in the same situation but our stories have similar threads...
I know this is about you...just want you read some of my story. I clung to the good times...he wasn't always like this. he was sweet, loving, told me he loved me every day, told me I was beautiful..but it was just so confusing.,,,how could he say those things when he would go on his lectures and call me names when he was drunk? I am so sorry you are going through this. It is soooo hard....especially being on the fence. Start making your plan B...that is what I did...look at other apts, ask friends or family to stay with them...pack up a few things and take them some where safe. You will know when you are ready. We are here for you...we may not be in the same situation but our stories have similar threads...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, are you up for leaving if you could? You can't go on living like you are, and although you have a limited income I'm sure you could find a share house or maybe move back with relatives. There are many ways to save money if you really want to and have a goal.
Think about the best way you can prepare to leave. Many posters on SR have complications like children, houses, marriage, but at least you're free from barriers that are not in your mind.
Think about the best way you can prepare to leave. Many posters on SR have complications like children, houses, marriage, but at least you're free from barriers that are not in your mind.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
What lleana said x 1000!
Love is love even from a safe distance. You love him well, now love him wisely. That is to say, love him enough to let go so that he can make his own way back to the light of life. If he won't do it for himself, he will not do it for anyone else.
You need help too. I suggest a private therapist, or perhaps looking up Rational Recovery or SMART recovery. I do SMART. They will help you sort out your thought processes and you will hear stories from people fighting addiction that will give you insight into your bf's mind. If you choose to stay and help him, you must get strong yourself. If you choose to leave, you must get strong yourself. It's about YOU now.
To me, Al a non can be a a refuge that can help you get a bit calm, but what you need is a solid escape plan. Maybe you can find a room share situation or stay with family until you save up to move. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste these years sitting in rooms trying to learn how to live with insanity that you don't have to live with. The choices are yours, you are powerless to change him, but have complete power to change yourself. (((Hugs)))
Love is love even from a safe distance. You love him well, now love him wisely. That is to say, love him enough to let go so that he can make his own way back to the light of life. If he won't do it for himself, he will not do it for anyone else.
You need help too. I suggest a private therapist, or perhaps looking up Rational Recovery or SMART recovery. I do SMART. They will help you sort out your thought processes and you will hear stories from people fighting addiction that will give you insight into your bf's mind. If you choose to stay and help him, you must get strong yourself. If you choose to leave, you must get strong yourself. It's about YOU now.
To me, Al a non can be a a refuge that can help you get a bit calm, but what you need is a solid escape plan. Maybe you can find a room share situation or stay with family until you save up to move. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste these years sitting in rooms trying to learn how to live with insanity that you don't have to live with. The choices are yours, you are powerless to change him, but have complete power to change yourself. (((Hugs)))
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Welcome to SR you will find so much help and support here.
I remember those feelings of anxiety the knots in my stomach being scared to leave him alone in case he drank. 18 years later I was 100 times worse not knowing how I felt and only focused on him, how he felt his recovery. He would have periods of sobriety but never for very long and would say the same things I need you, can't do this with out you, but not really doing anything.
Lexiecat is right you lived before you met him you can live again. If he wants to get sober then only he can do it not you and he has to want it for himself. Wanting it for anyone or anything else won't work. Try to focus on you I know it's hard. Keep posting and reading here.
((((((Hugs))))))
I remember those feelings of anxiety the knots in my stomach being scared to leave him alone in case he drank. 18 years later I was 100 times worse not knowing how I felt and only focused on him, how he felt his recovery. He would have periods of sobriety but never for very long and would say the same things I need you, can't do this with out you, but not really doing anything.
Lexiecat is right you lived before you met him you can live again. If he wants to get sober then only he can do it not you and he has to want it for himself. Wanting it for anyone or anything else won't work. Try to focus on you I know it's hard. Keep posting and reading here.
((((((Hugs))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 26
Hello guys, reading all of these posts literally is leaving lumps in my throat....A lot of these post I can relate to, and have heard for a while- My Aunt has known my situation; and has been telling me for a long time too save up, it seems hard though with all of these bills on my behalf.... But I think I need to think harder on a plan B....Last week during the 4th, in the morning he said he wouldn't drink at all, then the afternoon it changed to only beer and not hard liquor- then, by 6 he was in to everything, and anything....and by bed time, he was angry and yelling, and throwing things, I do not think he can say I can only have this, but not this... ... And the day after, he didn't realize what he had done, I asked him to go to AA, and he says no - and what I have taken from this site is that if a person does not want to go on their own, you can NOT make them....And that's what it feels like when I ask him to go....I know he deep down loves me, but if feels like what the poster said above...He "needs" me, like her ex said-you can only take it so long... Thank you guys so much, for reading and taking time to talk with me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi zeppelin92. You've received a lot of great advice here. I have been living with my AH for 12 years and IF you decide you want to stay, then I suggest setting your boundaries. I only recently did this and told AH my boundary is that if he wants to remain living in the house, he needs to be actively working on recovery (in AA, working the steps.) The key is that you must be ready to act if the boundary is broken.
I spent years "making deals" with my AH about how much he would drink. Behavior like that is not going to help. I suggest Al Anon, as well. I am just now committing to really working the program. And like someone else mentioned, you do not have marriage or kids with him right now, which makes a split much simpler. I know I often look back at my life and think that I should have left when I first saw the signs and he was unwilling to get help. Now that we have 2 children, I am trying to make it work. Best wishes to you!
I spent years "making deals" with my AH about how much he would drink. Behavior like that is not going to help. I suggest Al Anon, as well. I am just now committing to really working the program. And like someone else mentioned, you do not have marriage or kids with him right now, which makes a split much simpler. I know I often look back at my life and think that I should have left when I first saw the signs and he was unwilling to get help. Now that we have 2 children, I am trying to make it work. Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am so sorry to hear your current situation.
Please know my words are not meant to cause you any further hurt , but the painful fact of the matter is there is nothing on this earth you can do to comfort him. Zeppelin , he currently doesn't want comfort , he wants his drug of choice.
The kind of help he needs, is an inside job, all the love, hugs, patience, and understanding is NOT going to help fix this for him.
He is a 27 year old man, he gets to choose for himself. He has to want to get sober, live sober, and stay sober.
Now if you want to entertain ways that you can comfort yourself, restore some normacly to your life, I believe you will find others willing to share their experience and personal stories here.
You are not alone, we have all walked in your shoes.
Please know my words are not meant to cause you any further hurt , but the painful fact of the matter is there is nothing on this earth you can do to comfort him. Zeppelin , he currently doesn't want comfort , he wants his drug of choice.
The kind of help he needs, is an inside job, all the love, hugs, patience, and understanding is NOT going to help fix this for him.
He is a 27 year old man, he gets to choose for himself. He has to want to get sober, live sober, and stay sober.
Now if you want to entertain ways that you can comfort yourself, restore some normacly to your life, I believe you will find others willing to share their experience and personal stories here.
You are not alone, we have all walked in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
What do you mean, you are dependent on him for rent? What would you have done if you'd never met him? Just moved in with any man who'd help you financially?
You might have to get a room mate. Most people do, at some point in their lives.
You might have to get a room mate. Most people do, at some point in their lives.
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