2 years with AH...he would quit for a week, then go back to drinking...one day it would be just a few drinks, the next a 12 pack...I too had knots in my stomach when I would drive home, not knowing what to expect, except he would just be getting started since we both have day jobs. We have kids (both from previous relationships) so I was trying to protect them too...hoping that them seeing him drink wouldn't affect them...I hoped it would get better but never did...it got worse. DUI and then public intoxication. Even after that he still does not admit he has a problem. On top of all of this I also had the verbal abuse. I walked on egg shells, trying not to say the wrong thing...try to say things the "right" way, try not to **** him off. It didn't matter what I did...he found something to be mad about me.
I know this is about you...just want you read some of my story. I clung to the good times...he wasn't always like this. he was sweet, loving, told me he loved me every day, told me I was beautiful..but it was just so confusing.,,,how could he say those things when he would go on his lectures and call me names when he was drunk? I am so sorry you are going through this. It is soooo hard....especially being on the fence. Start making your plan B...that is what I did...look at other apts, ask friends or family to stay with them...pack up a few things and take them some where safe. You will know when you are ready. We are here for you...we may not be in the same situation but our stories have similar threads...