lizatola

What Lexie said in the second paragraph was what I was going to come on and say. It takes more than just being nice and being sober to make a relationship work. I also believe it takes more than love to make a relationship work.
Keep doing what feels right for you and take as much time as you need to and that lets him take more time for recovery for HIM. I think if you both work individually on recovery goals, then maybe in a few months you can come together and see if those goals meet up or if you want to join paths again. There are no 'musts' here. there's no magic time frame. And, there is certainly nothing wrong with taking your time even if it's uncomfortable sitting in limbo land. You're exactly where you're supposed to be today and so is he. Trust the process and trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. Our own intuition and Higher Power can provide us with the right guidance if we sit and listen every once in a while.

Hawkeye13

Trust your gut--always. . .
A clean break now if that is what you feel seems kinder in the long run for both.
It sure sounds like he'll fall easily back into old patterns of you taking care
of everyone--that's hard to unlearn

HoldOnLoosely

What Lexie wrote. My husband is a wonderful, kind man. I can see the wonderful qualities in him and the marriage, and I can see the brokenness in him and the marriage. I wrote a thread last week that sort of touched upon my desire to focus on myself and my husband focus on himself for a while.

The relationship isn't what I exactly want, and I have communicated it. His workaholism definitely resulted in emotional unavailability ("checked out"). Then, throw in alcoholism (I only got clued into that a year ago), and you have even more emotional unavailability. Then, throw in his fear of abandonment, and you have even more to work through. Then, throw in the ridiculousness of rationalization, blame shifting. and dismissiveness this past year and there's more to work through. And so forth...

We might make it. But, in the meantime, I have to respect where I am at - exhausted and tired of "fighting" him. I want time to work on myself (validate myself more, have peace, build more social connections, find more activities that bring happiness into my life). I want a little room to breathe to better understand what I want and need. And, I want to respect and honor the place I find myself in.

Continue to respect and honor yourself. Trust yourself despite indecisiveness and uncertainty. Follow your heart...and chances are the conflict within you might start to fade away a little.

Hope this helps.

Praying

Lexie and Liza, thank you.

And hawkeye, I think you may be right.

Hold on, I'm going to read your post because it sounds so similar to how I'm feeling. Thanks for pointing it out.

Key difference for me in this relationship is that I don't have years tying me to him, and I have the benefit of seeing what happened when I held on to my ex. We don't share children. I can leave, and that's okay.

My birthday was this week and it was difficult. He's being very sweet and bought me a very nice gift even though I didn't celebrate it with him. Doesn't change where I'm at, but highlighted that I need more space because I feel so guilty when he comes around. And I shouldn't.

Still an exhausted week so I haven't been here much.

Funny thing, he said something my ex used to say to me too--that I can be cold and callous. When my ex said it I kept bending over backwards and tried to fix it. Not now. I laughed with pride inside because I've worked my tail off to learn that (lol). When he sees "cold" it's me enforcing my boundaries and forcing him to own his issues and feelings. Who'd ever think I'd be elated to be called "cold"?