Alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving.

Old 06-24-2015, 08:18 AM
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Alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving.

I had significant drama with the XAH last month. He and his family accused my new beau of child molestation, and me of neglect, and called CPS to investigate. They'd sent me an email saying they had "concerns" with a really vague report about her talking potty talk and secrets with my BF's name attached. I asked for additional clarification and they gave me nothing, zero. I wrote a pretty nasty email back to them -- I was mad about them dropping this bomb in my lap and then refusing to engage with me on it, if their concerns were actually warranted. I pointed out that their silence was part of a long string of refusing to engage with me about real issues of concern, about DD3's safety, about money, XAH's health and mental health and lack thereof, and that I was required to work with them because I was compelled by the court, not because I trusted them as competent caregivers for DD3. Also, I just didn't share their concerns. I was pissed that they just lobbed this to me and refused to engage further.

DD3 is a talker, and she says a lot of stuff, potty talk is an ongoing challenge, but nothing out of the ordinary or weird or abusive. I have extensive training as a child advocate and a sexual assault victim advocate, and DD3 had no symptoms of being an abused child. Basically there was no there there, but I followed through with some questions anyway, because what if I was wrong. I gently talked to her about safety and touching, and it was clear she had no idea that bad touching was actually a thing to worry about, which was excellent. I was taking her to a well-child visit to sign her up for preschool anyway, so I'd talked to her doctor, and she too, didn't share those concerns. I spoke at length with her daycare provider, who also didn't share those concerns. I don't really leave the kids alone with him, and I've never seen any cause for concern. But still. I calmly went to lengths to make sure that I didn't have a blind spot here, because I really like BF and think he's a fun and lighthearted guy, and I do trust him. I know how wrong I've been about people in the past, like with XAH, so I didn't want to be stupid and blind to a nightmare in my own house happening to one of my children.

About a week later, with no additional conversation with me, despite my request for additional information about whatever DD3 said, they called CPS. Despite not having any clue about what I did or didn't do, they thought I hadn't done enough.

So okay, fine. If they had real concerns, calling was the right thing to do. I know this and I was confident that I did what I could and that DD3 was a-ok, so I cooperated fully. I've been involved with social services on the CARE side, so I did the full interview, full disclosure, aired my concerns about XAH and his family, and provided a copy of the email exchange, including my lengthy response full of complaints and anger. I'm not proud of that email, but I did it, and it's how I felt about it, so it is what it is. I was completely transparent. The full investigation was completed, including home visits, interviews with my children, calls to my son's high school. Really demoralizing and embarrassing and nerve-wracking stuff. But by the end of the interview with me, the case worker was telling me that she didn't see any immediate causes for concern, and in the end we were totally relieved of any charges or accusations. I had some additional conversations with DD3 about good and bad touching and who to talk to if her feelings or body was ever hurt, and we moved on. I received the letter from the county saying the case was closed on Monday.

On Tuesday, I had a new washer and dryer delivered and because my older house is out of code, they refused to complete the installation. So, this morning I had a handyman come to the house and outfit my basement with new duct work and plumbing so I no longer had a potential fire hazard or flood hazard on my hands. While he was there, I went through a HUGE pile of mail, mostly junk mail and credit card offers. But nestled in there was a handwritten letter to me from my ex-mother in law, scolding me for being an irresponsible parent, and accusing me of letting my anger for XAH get in the way of the safety of my daughter. She said that his alcoholism has nothing to do with it (which... kind of...except the story-telling, lying, histrionics, and omission of important information was always part of living with him) and that I was putting DD3 in immediate danger and I should be doing more to protect her. I just sort of shook my head -- they had no idea what I did or didn't do for her because they wouldn't talk to me about it, not when I picked her up or dropped her off, not through text or email.

A few minutes later, the handyman called me downstairs and showed me the crawlspace. In it was a HUGE trashbag full of empty wine bottles, beer cans, vodka handles, spilling out into the crawlspace. My XAH hasn't lived with me for over 1 1/2 years, but here he is still.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:21 AM
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:26 AM
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Thanks for the hugs. I'm fine, just baffled and shocked still.

You think life is getting ironed out, and bam, another major wrinkle.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:27 AM
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Sure, but it's always going to be one wrinkle or another. That's just life.

Look how you handled it, and savor that you kept your head on straight and didn't waver from your truth. That's recovery as it's meant to be played, my friend. Very inspiring.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:30 AM
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I am pretty proud of myself in hindsight. Ten years ago, I would have been a giant mess, crying, telling everyone I know about it, asking other people if I was crazy or seeing it right. This time I was able to treat it like an immediate concern, manage it with my head on straight, and handle it like an adult who knows her s***.

The idea that anything could ever happen to DD3 is stomach wrenching. But that's just not the case here and now. If it did, I don't know how I'd behave.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:32 AM
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Oh wow Florence. How awful. You don't have to condone yourself to him, or any of his clan. You did all the right things, and obviously CPS thought so too. I still find the occasional whiskey bottle in my house, it is disgusting. He has been out of my house for about a year and a half too. I sometimes feel like to find them all I would have to literally tear my house down to the joists.

So now, I calmly throw them out. No hiding.

Two years ago, my step nephew made some horrific charges against his father (my sister's husband) to CPS so he could go live with his mother. He later recanted the entire story, but not before my brother in law went through a lot of horrific times, and could have lost his job (law enforcement). It was absolutely a terrible time, actually my sister and I were just talking about it again last night.

I am so sorry for all you have went through, but so happy you are moving forward in your life!
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:59 AM
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You did good. That is a scary thing. It's scary to imagine that happening to a child and scary to be accused of bad parenting at that level. You seem to have handled it perfectly. Kudos.
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Old 06-25-2015, 07:42 AM
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Florence, in spite of the horrible accusations, you managed to put your personal feelings aside, and look out for the welfare of your child. You are an amazing example of what a good mom is supposed to be.

I hope with this investigation behind you and the case closed, all the crazy stress leaves you and you can return to living in peace.

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Old 06-25-2015, 10:07 AM
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There's something really sacred about clean laundry. I hope you enjoy the new set. You are honest and your soul is clean, Florence.

Peace and may your socks always match - unless you are into that new thing where they don't!
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Old 06-25-2015, 05:05 PM
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Florence - my heart was in my mouth as I read your original post.

Well done you x 1000!!!
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Old 06-25-2015, 05:37 PM
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Oh wow Florence - some vindictive or crazy former inlaws still making excuses for the Alcoholic.

Lots of ((((hugs)))) lady you are awesome!
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Old 06-25-2015, 06:04 PM
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Well done on taking these loons to task! The crazy Apple doesn't fall far from the crazy tree somedays. Someday DD3 will be old enough to see the crazy for herself and their reign of madness will end.
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Old 06-25-2015, 06:05 PM
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And this is what recovery looks like.......

Thank you for leading by example. More and more, I am convinced that alanon really works. Now, I just need to get myself there!!
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