Alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving.
I had significant drama with the XAH last month. He and his family accused my new beau of child molestation, and me of neglect, and called CPS to investigate. They'd sent me an email saying they had "concerns" with a really vague report about her talking potty talk and secrets with my BF's name attached. I asked for additional clarification and they gave me nothing, zero. I wrote a pretty nasty email back to them -- I was mad about them dropping this bomb in my lap and then refusing to engage with me on it, if their concerns were actually warranted. I pointed out that their silence was part of a long string of refusing to engage with me about real issues of concern, about DD3's safety, about money, XAH's health and mental health and lack thereof, and that I was required to work with them because I was compelled by the court, not because I trusted them as competent caregivers for DD3. Also, I just didn't share their concerns. I was pissed that they just lobbed this to me and refused to engage further.
DD3 is a talker, and she says a lot of stuff, potty talk is an ongoing challenge, but nothing out of the ordinary or weird or abusive. I have extensive training as a child advocate and a sexual assault victim advocate, and DD3 had no symptoms of being an abused child. Basically there was no there there, but I followed through with some questions anyway, because what if I was wrong. I gently talked to her about safety and touching, and it was clear she had no idea that bad touching was actually a thing to worry about, which was excellent. I was taking her to a well-child visit to sign her up for preschool anyway, so I'd talked to her doctor, and she too, didn't share those concerns. I spoke at length with her daycare provider, who also didn't share those concerns. I don't really leave the kids alone with him, and I've never seen any cause for concern. But still. I calmly went to lengths to make sure that I didn't have a blind spot here, because I really like BF and think he's a fun and lighthearted guy, and I do trust him. I know how wrong I've been about people in the past, like with XAH, so I didn't want to be stupid and blind to a nightmare in my own house happening to one of my children.
About a week later, with no additional conversation with me, despite my request for additional information about whatever DD3 said, they called CPS. Despite not having any clue about what I did or didn't do, they thought I hadn't done enough.
So okay, fine. If they had real concerns, calling was the right thing to do. I know this and I was confident that I did what I could and that DD3 was a-ok, so I cooperated fully. I've been involved with social services on the CARE side, so I did the full interview, full disclosure, aired my concerns about XAH and his family, and provided a copy of the email exchange, including my lengthy response full of complaints and anger. I'm not proud of that email, but I did it, and it's how I felt about it, so it is what it is. I was completely transparent. The full investigation was completed, including home visits, interviews with my children, calls to my son's high school. Really demoralizing and embarrassing and nerve-wracking stuff. But by the end of the interview with me, the case worker was telling me that she didn't see any immediate causes for concern, and in the end we were totally relieved of any charges or accusations. I had some additional conversations with DD3 about good and bad touching and who to talk to if her feelings or body was ever hurt, and we moved on. I received the letter from the county saying the case was closed on Monday.
On Tuesday, I had a new washer and dryer delivered and because my older house is out of code, they refused to complete the installation. So, this morning I had a handyman come to the house and outfit my basement with new duct work and plumbing so I no longer had a potential fire hazard or flood hazard on my hands. While he was there, I went through a HUGE pile of mail, mostly junk mail and credit card offers. But nestled in there was a handwritten letter to me from my ex-mother in law, scolding me for being an irresponsible parent, and accusing me of letting my anger for XAH get in the way of the safety of my daughter. She said that his alcoholism has nothing to do with it (which... kind of...except the story-telling, lying, histrionics, and omission of important information was always part of living with him) and that I was putting DD3 in immediate danger and I should be doing more to protect her. I just sort of shook my head -- they had no idea what I did or didn't do for her because they wouldn't talk to me about it, not when I picked her up or dropped her off, not through text or email.
A few minutes later, the handyman called me downstairs and showed me the crawlspace. In it was a HUGE trashbag full of empty wine bottles, beer cans, vodka handles, spilling out into the crawlspace. My XAH hasn't lived with me for over 1 1/2 years, but here he is still.