Hawkeye13

Write down all the nasty things he has done and said to you and read it when you get weak.

This man is on his way down, between the DUI, possible job loss, and increasing alcoholism.

Focus on yourself and get moved ASAP and I suggest no contact as much as possible.

Look back at your old posts if you need a starting place for how badly he has treated you and your love.
And you say you haven't even told us the worst of it? You deserve much better.

firebolt

You don't have to make any decisions right now - some of them are being made FOR you, and that's OK!

Keep going through the motions of finding a place to live - it will happen! Please keep in mind that if he is rid of you, he is able to drink and act crazy at will and only hurt himself for it. That's a GOOD thing, and I think after the dust settles, you'll probably want to thank him for it.

Take care of yourself - I know it's stressful, painful, and a huge upset to your life, but sometimes, we need just that. (((HUGS))) and support to you!

SparkleKitty

Okay then what he is DOING is pushing you out of his life.

"pushing you out of his life."

Right now, today, this is who he is. Someone who does not want to do the work that it takes to have a healthy relationship -- not just with you, but with himself. Is that what you really want in a partner? Is that really the best you deserve?

You have the opportunity to make a different choice. Stop telling yourself what you SHOULD be feeling and see if you are able to honor what you are feeling without judging it. That's the only way I've found to be able to let go.

You have the opportunity right now to forge the healthiest, most loving and respectful relationship possible with the only person you can count on being with you for the rest of your life: You.

Liveitwell

Sparkle Kitty-great words!!

dandylion

SadinTx......first of all.....do exactly what hawkeye said to do with the list of the worst things that have happened. Read that list over and over, every day.
Also reread some of your of your old posts.....

You asked for someone to pound some sense into your head......well, sister...I am right here in line to do so.

1. Take the apartment with the pool....much better choice for you,right now. Take a 6mo. lease if you have to.
2. Get in front of a lawyer ASAP. Follow their advice on filing
3. Get your butt into an alanon meeting immediately......

Put your head in charge for the next few months! Your heart is too vulnerable and cannot be trusted to always act in your best interest.

Please listen to the people that you can trust.

dandylion

(is this good enough or do you want some more "pounding"......? (lol).

SadInTX

Wow, I needed this...thanks. I never thought of it that way...a healthy relationship with myself! I have lost myself in this chaotic relationship...I used to go to the gym, go out with friends to movies, dinner...I used to go to meetings...read the Big Book.... I was just trying to survive each day in that house with my AH...trying not to step on a landmine...but no matter what I did he would get upset with something I did/didn't do, say or didn't say. I will go to Al Anon meeting...
I also thought about him just shutting me out...not talking about it, or saying we need to go to counseling...nothing. It is his way of dealing with it...he doesn't see that he has done anything wrong...he is still drinking and drinking/driving (even did this with his son in the car)...yes, I do deserve better...my kids deserve a better life than that more importantly...thank you so much for these words..it helps

SadInTX

Why am I still such a mess? It has only been three days and I do not feel any better. I feel stupid for feeling sad, depressed, missing him...at least missing the good times...I want to know that he is hurting too...that he misses me...I sounds so pathetic, but just need you all to once again knock some sense into me. I put in my money order to see if I can get approved for a rental house. I looked at another apartment (too expensive) the apt that I really wanted to live in is not available until July 23...another apt I called (have already looked at) would be about only $100 cheaper than the rental home. Th home is only 1500 sqt feet so perfect for me and the boys and it is in the school zone of the school where my one son goes to summer "camp" while I am at work. He knows the school and even mentioned to me one day he wants to go to school there...maybe I should listen to that...
Just sharing my update...I am waiting to hear something..please pray I get approved...I am so emotional still...when will it end? I am going to a meeting tonight...can't wait. Thanks...

dandylion

Sad....did you make the list of the nasty things that have h appened that have put you in this position, in the first place.
If you want to feel stronger....do this! Make the list and carry it on your body....read it 100 times a day if you h ave to.

Stop listening to your heart, right now. You heart will do you wrong--it is to vulnerable to be trusted with your welfare, right now.
Your head...your brain, knows better!!!

With every thought...say "is this my head or heart talking?!

Yeah....get to that alanon meeting,tonight. That is a goood idea....

I hope you are working on that list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

firebolt

It has only been three days. There is nothing pathetic about your feelings. You are allowed to grieve! It is natural - the whole thing is sad, so sad. But it is going to be SO MUCH BETTER.

Praying for the housing of your dreams, preaying for peace for you, and I can't wait for the update when you are all settled in, blaring your music, hanging the curtains of your choosing, watching your show on TV snuggled with your kids on the couch IN PEACE! (((SAD)))

One day, your screen name will be HappyInTx.

dandylion

Sad...just o ne more thought....the dv center can give you some good ideas of where you m ight find the most responsive housing----as they deal with this all the time and they often have resources at their fingertips that you would not have access to.......

Turn over every stone....

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Sad, three days in the scope of things is nothing.

Feeling sad is natural, given all you have been through. Now is the time to trust that you have done the best thing for you and your kids in the long-term, and accept that there will be some short-term pain and grief before it gets better.

Most importantly, you must remember that this pain is temporary.

healthyagain

SadInTx, what you feel is normal. It takes time to get over it. There is not a day that I do not ask myself, how come my husband allowed that his wife moves out like that? We can talk about codependency, or being a normie, but noone can convince me that hoping to hear "I am sorry for everything. Please, do not go. We can work things out" is a bad, codependent thing. But, never heard those words . . . so I did what I had to do. Alcoholism makes them selfish, self-centered, probably living in a distorted reality. Do not take it personally, but your husband is simply incapable of caring or being a reliable person. It is just what it is.

I really do hope that you find a place soon. It is all what firebolt said X 1000!

dandylion

Thinking about you, Sad.....

How is it going..........?

dandylion

SadInTX

Oh, thank you so much. Emotional weekend. AH and I text a few times yesterday (first time in three days). He is done. He said that one night wasn't the reason for our splitting up (guess he is saying we were having issues these last months). He said he was sorry. I think he has moved on with his ex girlfriend (the one he went to after our last brief separation). It makes me feel like he does not respect our marriage. But, I know a lot of men (especially addicts) cannot be alone. I guess I still had hope he would call and say he needed help and wanted us back if he could get the help. Nope, didn't happen. He had a court date today, but not sure if he had to go (said before that he was trying to get it delayed).
I looked at my old apartment complex on Saturday. They have three apartments available. I put in an application for a rental house, still waiting to see if I am approved. The house is connected to a better school and I have to do that for my kids. Apartment is my back up plan.
I have my list of all the horrible things he did or said to me and I keep reading them over and over. That does help. I know I have a lot of issues that I need to work on...went to my first al anon meeting last Tuesday...once I get settled I will go on a regular basis. I need to focus on my recovery. I just want the pain to stop...my heart hurts so much.
On a positive note I got to spend time with my boys yesterday..took them to lunch, then a movie, then ice cream. My oldest asked about my AH, wanted me to send him a picture that I took of them. Ugh..

dandylion

Sad.....I think you are doing remarkably well......this transitional time is hard, I know.
You will prevail and you will get through this...you will see.

I'm glad if the boys feel free enough to talk to you about this as their feeling come up......

dandylion

SadInTX

dandylion: I haven't told them yet...they have been with their dad the last week and will be for the rest of the week. I don't want to confuse them yet since I don't have a permanent place to live. My AH is their step dad. This transition time is just soooo tough. While my AH is still at the house, drinking, having fun, probably having a woman over, swimming in our pool while I am at a friend's house with only a few outfits to wear. And he hasn't even asked where I am at...he just doesn't care.,..some day I will get into the anger phase..or at least frustrated

dandylion

Sad.....yes, it is difficult.....
JUst remember SparkleKitty's word----TEMPORARY. This part is all temporary. It will all pass.
If you stayed....the pain of staying with an active alcoholic goes on forever and gets worse as it goes.

Temporary pain for the long term gain.
Keep looking ahead.......

dandylion

AnvilheadII

SIT, as an outsider I just want to say from all you have shared about this man, there is little to nothing wonderful or loving or positive abut him or what he brings. sometimes we get locked in, thinking this one HAS to be the ONE and that clouds our vision. what we WANT versus what we HAVE. what we WANT them to be versus WHO they ARE.

if you had a car that behaved this badly, this poorly, that let you down time and time again, you'd SELL it.....if 93% of the time you ate at a certain restaurant you got food poisoning, you'd stop going.

people rarely change that much. oh sure, you hear of gang bangers who turn their lives around and become beacons of hope. saul in the bible had his moment of conversion, becoming paul the apostle. however, those CONVERSIONS of spirit are RARE. most of us are who we are.....

when people show us who they are, BELIEVE them.

who he is had NOTHING to do with you or you not being good enough. he isn't interested in GOOD, in being that better person. he is consumed with himself. his universe is small as is his higher power.