FireSprite

During crisis sometimes all you CAN do is the next right thing & not try getting too far ahead of yourself..... it really sounds like this meeting tonight is THE next best thing in your path FOR YOU. I'm betting it's going to be emotional no matter when you go, just GO. Put yourself first! Local people = local resources, is my way of thinking.

It's a golden opportunity that your boys are safely away from all of this.... what a relief for you to be able to focus solely on yourself & your next steps right now.

((((((Hugs))))))))) I'm sorry, what a crappy, crappy night!

changeneeded

Sad,
Just caught up on the reading, everyone here is so kind and full of resources.
Please listen.
You shouldn't have to worry that when you argue he is going to hand you an eviction notice.

The fact that he tries to control you with that kind of fear proves he knows you are way better than he deserves.

Be strong, and please keep us posted!

SadInTX

Refiner: Yes, that is a great idea on the suites inn. I will look into that. I will not go back to stay at that house...I agree, it is not safe. I don't know the whole story of what happened last night...I have a feeling he was inside too...he went to go get another drink, which they serve inside, not out, and that is the last I heard from him. If he was going outside that would be to meet me after the concert was over, but I have no idea...I don't believe anything he says at this point. He lied about his DUI...said he only had three drinks and someone must have slipped a drug in his drink...and he will lie about this.

Refiner

I'd bet my last dollar that they refused to serve him bc he was obviously intoxicated and he went off. He's facing some major sh*t now having had the recent DUI. He's looking at losing his license, most likely. I'm sure he was still on probation from the DUI?

FireSprite

I wouldn't even bother hashing through the details Sad, there's no way he's going to be honest about this.

It's possible he doesn't even remember the truth, it sounds like he could've easily been headed to blackout state but he'll defend himself regardless.

They may have refused to serve him if he was obviously intoxicated or he got into a fight or something. He left you at the beginning of the concert & nobody heard from him until hours later after he was processed through the system.... processing takes HOURS here, idk about other places. With this timeline I might make the assumption that he got into "trouble" shortly after leaving your side at the concert. No way he got into trouble in the lot after the concert & was processed through that quickly.

Another consideration - he claimed his DUI was due to someone drugging his drinks but now I'm wondering if he's DOING drugs & they are accelerating his alcohol high. (some kind of pills would be my guess.... )

SadInTX

That could have been it...yes, he is going to have some major issues with this...his case for his DUI hasn't even started...the city still hadn't filed it yet (as of last week). If he loses his license he will lose his job...he drives a company vehicle. Right now he has a license permit to drive to and from work and then only until 8 pm...the standard...I did not want to bail him out again...I thought it would just be enabling him again...but instead he lashes out and tells me to get out...that I don't deserve him...I know better, but it still hurts to hear these things...

FireSprite

It definitely won't help his DUI case when they see a 2nd arrest for public intoxication on his record in such a short timeframe.... before they even filed the case. I would bet money that he'll lose his license, at least temporarily.

It's helpful to realize that you literally can't handle these situations properly no matter how you decide to tackle it because what is good & right for you will be offensive to him. He'll see your self-preservation as selfishness, he'll say you're cold & heartless. He can say whatever he wants but that won't make it true.

Sad, I went back & read more of your history. You've been here for 6 months & it seems like his behavior is seriously ramping up in these last 6 weeks or so. Absolutely nothing has slowed him down or broken through his denial. (In fact, he seems more & more determined to drink.) He has been abusive physically & verbally & while he's refrained from much of that in front of your boys, I doubt that will last much longer as he feels more desperate to feel like he's retaining control because he has NO desire to change.

I am concerned for your safety! I really pray that you have time to call some of those DV resources today or meet some great contacts at that meeting tonight that can help point you in the right directions for help. Sending you so many positive thoughts, strength & prayers today!!

changeneeded

This will sound weird, but sometimes I wish we could all change places with one another, like ,Freaky Friday LOL.

I think we are all stronger when it comes to reading someone else circumstance. Could you imagine? We'd have all these A's wondering WTH?! how did she/he get so strong.

Sigh,

Maybe we could channel one-another. Kidding of course, it made me laugh for a second.

SadInTX

Yes, this is true...it has escalated to where it has gotten worse. There is more that I haven't talked about but it doesn't matter...it is still ugly. You are right..he has no desire to change. He doesn't even see that he has a problem. But I have been enabling him during this time...this is something i have to work on for me.....my sister in law text me this morning and asked me how I was doing..I told her that he needs help and he is in denial...but his family is not allowed to "take my side" (as he has told me in the past)...he blamed his divorce on his ex wife and he will do the same with me...I have to protect my kids and living in this environment is not healthy...I found out a friend of mine has offered me to stay at her house tonight instead of a hotel...isolation broken...

ladyscribbler

Don't worry about enabling or what his family will think/do. I put way too much weight on other people's reactions.
Stopping enabling and setting boundaries can put someone in a DV situation at more risk. Sometimes it's best to go along with whatever until you're able to leave. There 's a difference between enabling and self-preservation.
I was also very invested in making his family see that I was doing the right thing, but that didn't happen until a long time after I left. My ex's mom was really angry, and she made a lot of threats and generally just ranted and raved when I broke the news that I was leaving for good. She had this idea that she was going to enable him back to being a functional alcoholic, fix everything for him and help him get custody of our son. Guess how that worked out.
We actually get along pretty well now, but she had to learn some painful lessons on her own before that was possible. This past Sunday she told me that she hasn't had any contact with him since last fall, after he married his new enabler and cut her out of his life at the insistence of his wife. I actually feel sympathy for her instead of resentment now.
You have a tremendous advantage not having children with this man. It will be much easier in the long run for you to make a clean break. Glad to hear you're getting support from your friend.

SadInTX

ladyscribbler, I didn't think about the "stopping enabling and setting boundaries can put someone in a DV situation at more risk.." at the time I was doing it...I think I just got to the end of my rope and thought to myself, "no more"... luckily my AH is the type that he will just cut off someone from his life with a snap of his fingers...he has done it with his brother, his mom, his cousin, his friend, his ex wife, his ex girlfriend and he will do it with me...he hasn't called or text me all day so it has already started. yes, I am very luckily we don't have kids together. I just hope my kids will adjust to another new home...new school...okay.,..breathe...just one thing at a time...

amy55

Yes, stopping enabling can put you more at a risk for DV. My ex was also a person that would cut someone out of his life. He did hoover enough, (trying to suck me back in), but that was until I left for good. He tried a little then, not much, a phone call, I answered, he said I thought I missed you till I heard your voice.

See, the worst part of that treatment is that you feel like you just don't exist, that you didn't exist to them, and perhaps you didn't. It's a horrible feeling.

Your kids will adjust just fine, and you have people who understand what you are going through. We are here for you, and will walk with you.

((((((hugs)))))
amy

PS -- Friend's house sounds great !!!!!

healthyagain

I agree with everyone who says that stopping enabling, that is, stopping dancing to the tune they play can open the gates of hell. In abusive relationships, leaving is the most dangerous time. It is not you "enabling," or whatever. He is trying to control you . . . with fear, threats, put-downs. Been through that myself. According to my AH lies, he was supposed to quit his job 2 months ago and be somewhere in CO by now. Did it happen? Nope.

But yes, you definitely should remove yourself from that situation. And contacting a local DV organization is a pretty good idea. So you know what to do in case of emergency. "When alcohol is involved, they can get pretty nasty," said the DV lady I talked to.

sunny34

I agree with what everyone else has said and I don't really have anything to add. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you have to deal with all of this but glad you are doing what you need to do for you and your kids. It is so hard to do the right thing sometimes. Hugs to you and sending you strength to get through this rough situation.

redatlanta

While it may be his nature to cut people out I doubt this is the last you have heard from him. Please be prepared. Might be good to conference with DV about how to handle it if you hear from him.

Of course I would say go NC and never speak to him again - but as someone pointed out its mighty easy to tell someone else what to do when we would struggle ourselves.

(((hugs)))

amy55

RedAtlanta is right. I was thinking about the end of my relationship. Prior to that I never knew what to expect.

Don't let him know where you are staying. Please don't answer the phone. It's not like this is the first time it happened. If it was the first time, then unlikely you would be here.

And yes, call DV (1-800-799-SAFE).

((((((hugs))))))

amy

SadInTX

Update: He did not text or call me yesterday...I am in a way hurt by this...I am just being honest. He said he loved me, forever...made some bad choices (DUI and then public intoxication) and he doesn't even say he is sorry...I am relieved in a way so I won't get sucked back in. I did text him this morning and he wrote "take care, let me know when you are coming for your things, I am filing for divorce when I get paid next" What?! Why should he file? On what grounds? Will this look bad for me (he is not my kids dad...I have an ex that I went through custody battle because of my AH)? Should I just let it go or file first?
I just have to take one step at a time...find a place to live...I looked at that rental house last night and it was nice. I would have to buy a refrigerator? Ugh. I may not get approved because I don't have the best credit, but I am putting in an application for it. I also looked at apartments in the past...there it would be smaller but there would be a pool...people to meet...I don't know. I am so stressed and upset I can't make any decisions right now...

healthyagain

Ok, take a deep breath. Now, do not take seriously ANYTHING he says. Focus on you and your steps. Focus on your move. Here is why: They will tell you things that will make your head spin. It is not excluded that your husband is bluffing. He is filing for divorce based on what ground? (LOL, having a DUI and being locked up again within a month or so??? Wow, such a great moral character!) Perhaps he should save that money for his DUI issues. I hear it is damn expensive.

So . . . now, let's focus on you. Yes one step at a time. It is time to find a new place. Even if it is smaller, it does not matter. You will have your peace. I downgraded to less than 450sq feet. And I have pets. And it is both heaven and haven. Apartments are better in my opinion because there are more people, they seem to be safer (if your husband tries something dumb), and if something breaks, there is always maintenance available. And, oh yes, the pools . . .

When my AH told me to get my effing dog and just leave, he did not believe till the last moment that I actually would. It took 3 weeks of waiting for the place to become available. And I was taking stuff, and he still could not believe! Do not be surprised if your AH is just messing with your head. If I were you, I would not message him anymore or call.

Once you really make a decision in your heart to move out, it is a piece of cake. You will be amazed how everything gets in its place fast. And do expect that your AH will show his true colors.

SparkleKitty

SiT, you are dealing with someone whose actions don't support his words. Pay attention to what he DOES, not what he SAYS.

SadInTX

That's the thing, he isn't doing anything but scorn me...it is how he pushes people out of his life. I think I am mourning the man that I fell in love with from the beginning...sober...non abusive...but I am starting to doubt myself right now...why am I weak? I should be happy and relieved that he is saying/doing this but I am not..I keep thinking about the good times...I know, so stupid..."Oh, it wasn't so bad..." please, some one, knock some sense into me! I need your help!