Newbie
Smile with me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: 21108
Posts: 4
Newbie
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this an am still trying to figure out how to set up my account with pictures and quotes, let alone post anything. As usual that's my way of distracting myself from issues that I don't want to deal with.
I lost my husband of 25 years in a fatal accident that involved alcohol 4 years ago. And the day that happened was the day I swore that I would never get involve with anyone that drank again, and then along came RG.
I have been dating RG for 3 years now and its been a very rough road ... The first year was fine, but after that its been a constant battle. All the empty promises to quit, all the verbal abuse and yelling when he does drink (which is about 5-6 days a weeks). This is not the life I want, and for some reason I can't seem to get off the roller-coaster. We fight all the time about his drinking, and its very evident that he's not going to give it up, and I'm can't change the way I feel.
I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be. My late husband treated me like gold, and this guy treats me like dirt. Several of my guy friends have all assured me that "No man" should ever treat a woman as I am being treated ... at least no real man. All my friends and family are starting to distance themselves from me; which really hurts. They all seems to get their sarcastic jabs in whenever they are in his presence ... which always seems to put me in the middle, to the point that I am starting to limit who I have over to my house when he is there. We don't live together and even though he has asked me to marry him (and for some stupid reason I said, "Yes"), I know in my heart this is a union that is never going to happen ...
I have gone for counseling and my therapist actually told me to "Run, don't walk to the nearest door, and don't look back ... and alcoholic is an alcoholic and always will be." Yet when he suggested we go for couples counseling, they made me feel like the bad guy because I just couldn't overlook his problem and work with him.
What is my problem besides being co-dependent? I have never stayed around anyone that treats me as badly as he does. I sometimes wonder if subconciously I think because I couldn't save my husband from his drinking that maybe, just maybe I might be able to save RG.
I don't know if there is an answer out there, but thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Gave up on "Happy EverAfter's" they only exist in fairytales --- TuffGuy
I'm new to this an am still trying to figure out how to set up my account with pictures and quotes, let alone post anything. As usual that's my way of distracting myself from issues that I don't want to deal with.
I lost my husband of 25 years in a fatal accident that involved alcohol 4 years ago. And the day that happened was the day I swore that I would never get involve with anyone that drank again, and then along came RG.
I have been dating RG for 3 years now and its been a very rough road ... The first year was fine, but after that its been a constant battle. All the empty promises to quit, all the verbal abuse and yelling when he does drink (which is about 5-6 days a weeks). This is not the life I want, and for some reason I can't seem to get off the roller-coaster. We fight all the time about his drinking, and its very evident that he's not going to give it up, and I'm can't change the way I feel.
I know that this is not the way it is suppose to be. My late husband treated me like gold, and this guy treats me like dirt. Several of my guy friends have all assured me that "No man" should ever treat a woman as I am being treated ... at least no real man. All my friends and family are starting to distance themselves from me; which really hurts. They all seems to get their sarcastic jabs in whenever they are in his presence ... which always seems to put me in the middle, to the point that I am starting to limit who I have over to my house when he is there. We don't live together and even though he has asked me to marry him (and for some stupid reason I said, "Yes"), I know in my heart this is a union that is never going to happen ...
I have gone for counseling and my therapist actually told me to "Run, don't walk to the nearest door, and don't look back ... and alcoholic is an alcoholic and always will be." Yet when he suggested we go for couples counseling, they made me feel like the bad guy because I just couldn't overlook his problem and work with him.
What is my problem besides being co-dependent? I have never stayed around anyone that treats me as badly as he does. I sometimes wonder if subconciously I think because I couldn't save my husband from his drinking that maybe, just maybe I might be able to save RG.
I don't know if there is an answer out there, but thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Gave up on "Happy EverAfter's" they only exist in fairytales --- TuffGuy
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi TuffGuy and welcome,
One of the traits of codependency is a desire to fix or save those around us. Maybe part of you does feel like you can save RG from his drinking, or perhaps you feel that if you were to leave his life would fall apart. I'm married to an active addict and I struggle with the same feelings, even though I know in my heart this is not the kind of life I want to live.
As for the couples counseling, how can you possibly work on the relationship as long as he's actively drinking? No rational or reasonable communication can happen with someone who's drunk most of the time.
No matter how he feels about his drinking, if it's a problem for you and if he's not willing to stop, then you have to decide what the next step is for you. If he won't change, then you need to be the one that does.
If you haven't read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, check it out. It's a great, insightful book.
Take care,
JG
One of the traits of codependency is a desire to fix or save those around us. Maybe part of you does feel like you can save RG from his drinking, or perhaps you feel that if you were to leave his life would fall apart. I'm married to an active addict and I struggle with the same feelings, even though I know in my heart this is not the kind of life I want to live.
As for the couples counseling, how can you possibly work on the relationship as long as he's actively drinking? No rational or reasonable communication can happen with someone who's drunk most of the time.
No matter how he feels about his drinking, if it's a problem for you and if he's not willing to stop, then you have to decide what the next step is for you. If he won't change, then you need to be the one that does.
If you haven't read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, check it out. It's a great, insightful book.
Take care,
JG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome...I am glad you found us.
"Happily ever after" is not a fairytale when we learn how to achieve it...and that is never in the hands of another person. Allowing yourself to be treated badly is not how we get there and neither is saving another person from himself. First and foremost we have to save ourselves...
Hugs,
JT
"Happily ever after" is not a fairytale when we learn how to achieve it...and that is never in the hands of another person. Allowing yourself to be treated badly is not how we get there and neither is saving another person from himself. First and foremost we have to save ourselves...
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Tuffguy...
Welsome to SR...
I've been struggling with two relationships in my life as well. This has prompted me to begin my search for answers again...
This is what I am learning about myself...
I am not co-dependant because I am in a relationship with an addict... I'm a co-dependant because I have the disease of co-dependancy.
My addict does not act out because he's an a$$hole, a drunk, a pothead, and a rageaholic.... he acts out because he also suffers from the disease of co-dependancy.
That's where I was getting all screwed up. I kept thinking that I was acting this way because I was in a relationship with an A... and that all I had to do was leave to get better.
Gack...
So.. why did I keep choosing the same type of man to have interactions with? Because that type fit my requirments for my disease of co-dependancy.
Co-dependancy came from my abusive childhood. It started when I wasn't allowed to have my feelings around the insanity in my home and the things that were happening to me. On top of that... I also had to deny the reality of what was actually happening... because I had to buy into the co-dependancy lie already working in my family of origin in order to survive the assault.
This did two things. It made that feeling that could not be expressed be repressed... and every time I had to sqelch a feeling... it got added to that other unexpressed feeling... untill I had this big boiling ball of emotional stew in there... which manifested as generalized anxiety.. fear...
The other part of that was that having to deny the honest reality of what was actually happening to me and around me started me living in a fantasy world... and this has carried through all my life.
I don't live what is... I live what I want to happen.
This is where the "control" issues come in.
Again.. I use to think that control was a result of living with an addict. I now know that the disease of co-dependancy is expressed in two ways. Substance abuse and control.
We humans use these two ways to cope with our emotions that are screaming for acknowledgement and to be dealt with... because emotions actually send a chemical into our bodies that require us to respond.
But.. when I am not allowed my emotions... because of the reality of my childhood in an already co-dep environment... I began to use either a substance to decoy the emotion... or I used control to try to manage. Hence my broad spectrum dystfuntion. I am a user and a controler.
Bottom line for me...
I have no idea who I am.
I have been reacting all this time... and living in a fantasy world... and I keep seeking out the same type of man because he fits my family-arity and I can continue my dysfunction easily.
That's why I have always felt so trapped in relationships. Because I couldn't make the choice to leave.
Welsome to SR...
What is my problem besides being co-dependent?
This is what I am learning about myself...
I am not co-dependant because I am in a relationship with an addict... I'm a co-dependant because I have the disease of co-dependancy.
My addict does not act out because he's an a$$hole, a drunk, a pothead, and a rageaholic.... he acts out because he also suffers from the disease of co-dependancy.
That's where I was getting all screwed up. I kept thinking that I was acting this way because I was in a relationship with an A... and that all I had to do was leave to get better.
Gack...
So.. why did I keep choosing the same type of man to have interactions with? Because that type fit my requirments for my disease of co-dependancy.
Co-dependancy came from my abusive childhood. It started when I wasn't allowed to have my feelings around the insanity in my home and the things that were happening to me. On top of that... I also had to deny the reality of what was actually happening... because I had to buy into the co-dependancy lie already working in my family of origin in order to survive the assault.
This did two things. It made that feeling that could not be expressed be repressed... and every time I had to sqelch a feeling... it got added to that other unexpressed feeling... untill I had this big boiling ball of emotional stew in there... which manifested as generalized anxiety.. fear...
The other part of that was that having to deny the honest reality of what was actually happening to me and around me started me living in a fantasy world... and this has carried through all my life.
I don't live what is... I live what I want to happen.
This is where the "control" issues come in.
Again.. I use to think that control was a result of living with an addict. I now know that the disease of co-dependancy is expressed in two ways. Substance abuse and control.
We humans use these two ways to cope with our emotions that are screaming for acknowledgement and to be dealt with... because emotions actually send a chemical into our bodies that require us to respond.
But.. when I am not allowed my emotions... because of the reality of my childhood in an already co-dep environment... I began to use either a substance to decoy the emotion... or I used control to try to manage. Hence my broad spectrum dystfuntion. I am a user and a controler.
Bottom line for me...
I have no idea who I am.
I have been reacting all this time... and living in a fantasy world... and I keep seeking out the same type of man because he fits my family-arity and I can continue my dysfunction easily.
That's why I have always felt so trapped in relationships. Because I couldn't make the choice to leave.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
tuffguy-
Bike Wench put it in a nice little nut shell don't ya think? You have a lot of exploring yourself to do. I think you haven't truely finished greiving your husbands death. You only took one year to greive a 25 year relationship are you sure that was enough time? I know you felt alone and guity and were probably drawn into your present relationship to fill the gap in your heart.
There are many good greif groups. I encourage you to seek out one. You won't be able to move forward until you get this old business out of the way....
s
Bike Wench put it in a nice little nut shell don't ya think? You have a lot of exploring yourself to do. I think you haven't truely finished greiving your husbands death. You only took one year to greive a 25 year relationship are you sure that was enough time? I know you felt alone and guity and were probably drawn into your present relationship to fill the gap in your heart.
There are many good greif groups. I encourage you to seek out one. You won't be able to move forward until you get this old business out of the way....
s
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Venice, Florida
Posts: 414
Tuffguy,
I think Splendra has excellent thoughts about grief. Grief does very strange things to us and it affects us all differently. Ask your therapist about grief supprt groups out there in your area. Many of don't allow ourselves teh proper grieving as our family and friends want us to " get on with life" and after 25 years, you lost your soulmate. you can't shut off your feelings like a light switch.
Keep posting and keep working on yourself. You can get through and survive! :35:
I think Splendra has excellent thoughts about grief. Grief does very strange things to us and it affects us all differently. Ask your therapist about grief supprt groups out there in your area. Many of don't allow ourselves teh proper grieving as our family and friends want us to " get on with life" and after 25 years, you lost your soulmate. you can't shut off your feelings like a light switch.
Keep posting and keep working on yourself. You can get through and survive! :35:
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I think run to the nearest exit is a good idea for starters and then going into counselling for yourself without the load in your life would be a good thing to do.
Then you could explore things in yourself without being abused.
Ngaire
Then you could explore things in yourself without being abused.
Ngaire
Smile with me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: 21108
Posts: 4
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the great input. Everything that everyone has said, I've been told several times. And yes, its true I know I should have allowed myself more time to grief. I actually met RG in one of the grief support groups. He lost his wife (but had the drinking problem long before his lose). Maybe that was why there was the attraction, we both had a common ground ... the lose of a spouse.
Sometimes I think someone just needs to take a baseball bat to my head and knock some sense into me. I hear what everyone is saying, but I just can't seem to take the steps to get myself going in the right direction. I've broken up with him several times, but after a week or two we're right back together again. All the idol promises come in, and stupid me believe them once again. When will I wake up and realize that an alcoholic is not a person that can be trusted, what is it going to take?
"Obstacles are put in the way in our lives to find out if we really wanted something ... or just thought we did."
Thanks for all the great input. Everything that everyone has said, I've been told several times. And yes, its true I know I should have allowed myself more time to grief. I actually met RG in one of the grief support groups. He lost his wife (but had the drinking problem long before his lose). Maybe that was why there was the attraction, we both had a common ground ... the lose of a spouse.
Sometimes I think someone just needs to take a baseball bat to my head and knock some sense into me. I hear what everyone is saying, but I just can't seem to take the steps to get myself going in the right direction. I've broken up with him several times, but after a week or two we're right back together again. All the idol promises come in, and stupid me believe them once again. When will I wake up and realize that an alcoholic is not a person that can be trusted, what is it going to take?
"Obstacles are put in the way in our lives to find out if we really wanted something ... or just thought we did."
Smile with me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: 21108
Posts: 4
Thanks
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the great input. Everything that everyone has said, I've been told several times. And yes, its true I know I should have allowed myself more time to grief. I actually met RG in one of the grief support groups. He lost his wife (but had the drinking problem long before his lose). Maybe that was why there was the attraction, we both had a common ground ... the lose of a spouse.
Sometimes I think someone just needs to take a baseball bat to my head and knock some sense into me. I hear what everyone is saying, but I just can't seem to take the steps to get myself going in the right direction. I've broken up with him several times, but after a week or two we're right back together again. All the idol promises come in, and stupid me believe them once again. When will I wake up and realize that an alcoholic is not a person that can be trusted, what is it going to take?
"Obstacles are put in the way in our lives to find out if we really wanted something ... or just thought we did."
Thanks for all the great input. Everything that everyone has said, I've been told several times. And yes, its true I know I should have allowed myself more time to grief. I actually met RG in one of the grief support groups. He lost his wife (but had the drinking problem long before his lose). Maybe that was why there was the attraction, we both had a common ground ... the lose of a spouse.
Sometimes I think someone just needs to take a baseball bat to my head and knock some sense into me. I hear what everyone is saying, but I just can't seem to take the steps to get myself going in the right direction. I've broken up with him several times, but after a week or two we're right back together again. All the idol promises come in, and stupid me believe them once again. When will I wake up and realize that an alcoholic is not a person that can be trusted, what is it going to take?
"Obstacles are put in the way in our lives to find out if we really wanted something ... or just thought we did."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Javatown
Posts: 92
Shoulds
Hello, Tuff!
So what if others are telling you 'should' put on your track shoes and run, you 'should' break off yadablahblah?
AlAnon reads not to make any decisions until 6-12 months after you have been with the program.
Sounds to me like you would not be making an informed choice for your own self to suddenly split b/c you wrote that you have tried that in the past, finding yourself back in the same leaky boat shortly after. If you run now, your history points to the future in that it will be straight into the arms of yet another alcoholic- until you figure out your road map that brought you there, in my opinion.
In my version of the similar situations most of us here have gone through, ALL of my friends stopped talking to me back in the day because I 'let' the Al treat me so badly b/c I was 'crazy' and it was all my fault. 'Why don't you just leave him?' Yeah, it made perfect logical sense but why did it feel so $%^ horrible every time I tried to leave? I could fix this problem and good golly I would get back up on the horse yet again and try yet another arrangement if it killed me. It did kill my spirit, my esteem, self-respect, ability to choose and anything else I had pertaining to me as a human being of this world at that time.
You have choices, not only those others say you 'should' make. Does your counselor work with those in a 12-step program? There are great counselors that do......
I wish you the best, keep posting and have faith,
~Crazy in VA
So what if others are telling you 'should' put on your track shoes and run, you 'should' break off yadablahblah?
AlAnon reads not to make any decisions until 6-12 months after you have been with the program.
Sounds to me like you would not be making an informed choice for your own self to suddenly split b/c you wrote that you have tried that in the past, finding yourself back in the same leaky boat shortly after. If you run now, your history points to the future in that it will be straight into the arms of yet another alcoholic- until you figure out your road map that brought you there, in my opinion.
In my version of the similar situations most of us here have gone through, ALL of my friends stopped talking to me back in the day because I 'let' the Al treat me so badly b/c I was 'crazy' and it was all my fault. 'Why don't you just leave him?' Yeah, it made perfect logical sense but why did it feel so $%^ horrible every time I tried to leave? I could fix this problem and good golly I would get back up on the horse yet again and try yet another arrangement if it killed me. It did kill my spirit, my esteem, self-respect, ability to choose and anything else I had pertaining to me as a human being of this world at that time.
You have choices, not only those others say you 'should' make. Does your counselor work with those in a 12-step program? There are great counselors that do......
I wish you the best, keep posting and have faith,
~Crazy in VA
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Tuffguy,
I agree with Red, don't "should" on yourself. You are reaching out for help and that is a big step. I didn't even know that I needed help. I figured someone should fix that alcoholic so I would be ok. I finally realized that the only one I could help was me, and I needed help to learn how to help me. That was where Al-Anon came in. Through meetings, literature, and a lot of people that understood what I was going through, I was able to begin to heal and grow. Whether we stay or go, I take me with me. Until I could take responsibility for my choices and decisions, I was doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Al-Anon has allowed me to change and grow and learn. I don't have to be a victim of my life any more.
There is healing and hope for us if we are willing to reach out for it. We can find serenity and happiness no matter what others choose to do. I am glad you joined us. This forum has been a big part of my recovery.
To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/ and select "Find a Meeting".
Hugs, Magic
I agree with Red, don't "should" on yourself. You are reaching out for help and that is a big step. I didn't even know that I needed help. I figured someone should fix that alcoholic so I would be ok. I finally realized that the only one I could help was me, and I needed help to learn how to help me. That was where Al-Anon came in. Through meetings, literature, and a lot of people that understood what I was going through, I was able to begin to heal and grow. Whether we stay or go, I take me with me. Until I could take responsibility for my choices and decisions, I was doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. Al-Anon has allowed me to change and grow and learn. I don't have to be a victim of my life any more.
There is healing and hope for us if we are willing to reach out for it. We can find serenity and happiness no matter what others choose to do. I am glad you joined us. This forum has been a big part of my recovery.
To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/ and select "Find a Meeting".
Hugs, Magic
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