Miss 8's take on things.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Miss 8's take on things.....
So I am in the process of making plans to separate from my AH.
Unfortunately for now we have to be under the same roof. My plans are in progress but it won't happen over night.
Miss 8 is still very upset with AH after ruining her birthday last year.....however an incident at school this week speaks so loud and clear to me.
At school they were making Fathers Day cards and Miss 8 told that teacher that this year she would be making hers for Grandpa...my Dear sweet Dad. That's a bit sad said the teacher and Miss 8 replied with no its not he ruined my birthday for the second time in a row and I will not be giving him a card.
I have also always encouraged my children to not be afraid to say how they are feeling. And I have also let them no that none of this us their fault. That Daddy has an illness and AH has himself told them he has an illness...mainly depression but they also know the drinking us a big big problem for him.
Then on the way home from school Miss 8 told me all about this. We have an excellent relationship and have talked age appropriately about AH. I said that Grandpa would be delighted she had been so thoughtful and made him a card....as I wanted to keep the focus on the good deed rather then how sad it was that she felt her Daddy didn't deserve her card. Which of course broke my heart...but the bottom line s I totally get it.
She then also added how can you mummy possibly keep forgiving him for all the nasty things he says to you. It's like you just forgive him....of course what she doesn't realise is right now I am trying to not react to his chaos and dysfunction, and I definitely don't forgive him, but I am trying to make this workable whilst we all have to live under the same roof.
There are times in the past where I have verbally argued back, it's worn me down many many times and I am sick to death of hearing the same old crap he rants about...however for now we have to be under the same roof. So in order to make things as easy as possible under very difficult unliveable circumstances it does appear to Miss 8 that I am just forgiving his bad behaviour and ignoring it also.
But that is def not the case and one day when she is older we will be able to talk about it properly. But for now I don't feel I can explain this easily to Miss 8......I also refuse to jump back on his merry go round...although at times it's tough not to!!
I have been going to Al Anon since the start of the year and that and SR keep me sane. But it is so damn difficult.
He rants and rages at me often......usually if I remain composed, occasionally agreeing with him but not engaging fully as that's like a red rag to a bull, eventually he runs out of steam......
Sometimes I just leave the room, sometimes he follows, sometimes I can hear him just ranting to himself in the other room...on and on and on it goes. Ranting about my family, me, anything and everything. On and on it goes...ironically it is his family who are very dysfunctional, he rants about my family but with stuff that actually happened in his family, he has it all so mixed up and upside down its unreal.
Today he is feeling very remorseful after one such rant last night.....but the damage is done of course.
I am doing my best in very difficult circumstances.....trying to find that temporary balance...do you know what I mean?
I have learnt a lot here and from Al Anon....
I also have a huge amount of empathy for him too...as having seen all the dysfunction around him and the way his family are I do get why he is where he is at. However that also does not mean it's ok for me and my children to live this wAy and as I have said before I refuse to throw my children under a bus! So for now we have to stay under the same roof...
But it sucks doesn't it and I hate that poor sweet Miss 8 is so damn wise on it all already.......
She actually said to him this morning, and none of this is ever ever prompted from me I promise you....'Daddy you don't deserve to have us as a family'.....
It breaks my heart....and I agree with her!!
Anyway just needed to write this all down today....it sucks but it is what it is and I am making exit plans......slowly but surely.
Master 14 and Miss 8 are at friends today so myself and Miss 11 went to the shopping centre and out for lunch which was lovely we had a good day but I still have so much sadness about how on earth we got here!
Am sure many of you will get where I am coming from. Thanks for reading.
Take care Phiz
Unfortunately for now we have to be under the same roof. My plans are in progress but it won't happen over night.
Miss 8 is still very upset with AH after ruining her birthday last year.....however an incident at school this week speaks so loud and clear to me.
At school they were making Fathers Day cards and Miss 8 told that teacher that this year she would be making hers for Grandpa...my Dear sweet Dad. That's a bit sad said the teacher and Miss 8 replied with no its not he ruined my birthday for the second time in a row and I will not be giving him a card.
I have also always encouraged my children to not be afraid to say how they are feeling. And I have also let them no that none of this us their fault. That Daddy has an illness and AH has himself told them he has an illness...mainly depression but they also know the drinking us a big big problem for him.
Then on the way home from school Miss 8 told me all about this. We have an excellent relationship and have talked age appropriately about AH. I said that Grandpa would be delighted she had been so thoughtful and made him a card....as I wanted to keep the focus on the good deed rather then how sad it was that she felt her Daddy didn't deserve her card. Which of course broke my heart...but the bottom line s I totally get it.
She then also added how can you mummy possibly keep forgiving him for all the nasty things he says to you. It's like you just forgive him....of course what she doesn't realise is right now I am trying to not react to his chaos and dysfunction, and I definitely don't forgive him, but I am trying to make this workable whilst we all have to live under the same roof.
There are times in the past where I have verbally argued back, it's worn me down many many times and I am sick to death of hearing the same old crap he rants about...however for now we have to be under the same roof. So in order to make things as easy as possible under very difficult unliveable circumstances it does appear to Miss 8 that I am just forgiving his bad behaviour and ignoring it also.
But that is def not the case and one day when she is older we will be able to talk about it properly. But for now I don't feel I can explain this easily to Miss 8......I also refuse to jump back on his merry go round...although at times it's tough not to!!
I have been going to Al Anon since the start of the year and that and SR keep me sane. But it is so damn difficult.
He rants and rages at me often......usually if I remain composed, occasionally agreeing with him but not engaging fully as that's like a red rag to a bull, eventually he runs out of steam......
Sometimes I just leave the room, sometimes he follows, sometimes I can hear him just ranting to himself in the other room...on and on and on it goes. Ranting about my family, me, anything and everything. On and on it goes...ironically it is his family who are very dysfunctional, he rants about my family but with stuff that actually happened in his family, he has it all so mixed up and upside down its unreal.
Today he is feeling very remorseful after one such rant last night.....but the damage is done of course.
I am doing my best in very difficult circumstances.....trying to find that temporary balance...do you know what I mean?
I have learnt a lot here and from Al Anon....
I also have a huge amount of empathy for him too...as having seen all the dysfunction around him and the way his family are I do get why he is where he is at. However that also does not mean it's ok for me and my children to live this wAy and as I have said before I refuse to throw my children under a bus! So for now we have to stay under the same roof...
But it sucks doesn't it and I hate that poor sweet Miss 8 is so damn wise on it all already.......
She actually said to him this morning, and none of this is ever ever prompted from me I promise you....'Daddy you don't deserve to have us as a family'.....
It breaks my heart....and I agree with her!!
Anyway just needed to write this all down today....it sucks but it is what it is and I am making exit plans......slowly but surely.
Master 14 and Miss 8 are at friends today so myself and Miss 11 went to the shopping centre and out for lunch which was lovely we had a good day but I still have so much sadness about how on earth we got here!
Am sure many of you will get where I am coming from. Thanks for reading.
Take care Phiz
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Phiz....I just glanced back, quickly over some of your threads.....
Is this the same guy that you were making plans to leave in 2005....and, also in 2009. You mentioned, at that time that you didn't want the effects of your children l iving in the abuse and alcoholism....
They were quite smaller then.... ?
dandylion
Is this the same guy that you were making plans to leave in 2005....and, also in 2009. You mentioned, at that time that you didn't want the effects of your children l iving in the abuse and alcoholism....
They were quite smaller then.... ?
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know, sometimes the kids see things more clearly than we do. And are less afraid to express them.
I know that one of the deciding moments for me was when my teen said "HOW LONG are you going to put up with his *#&$?" when I dropped him off at school. You're doing great in focusing on the positives. I found myself often trying to "defend" their dad in front of the kids -- not because I believed it but because I felt like it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I wish I had simply validated their feelings and reflected them back to them -- like "It sounds to me like you're both angry and sad that your dad behaved like he did at your birthday party" etc. They're telling me now that they often felt like they were at fault when I tried to explain their father's behavior instead of just giving them permission to feel however they were feeling about him.
I know that one of the deciding moments for me was when my teen said "HOW LONG are you going to put up with his *#&$?" when I dropped him off at school. You're doing great in focusing on the positives. I found myself often trying to "defend" their dad in front of the kids -- not because I believed it but because I felt like it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I wish I had simply validated their feelings and reflected them back to them -- like "It sounds to me like you're both angry and sad that your dad behaved like he did at your birthday party" etc. They're telling me now that they often felt like they were at fault when I tried to explain their father's behavior instead of just giving them permission to feel however they were feeling about him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Same guy Dandylion......BUT to my defence we moved back to the UK four years ago to look after my dying Mum.....and that took up a lot of my time.
She passed away last year so it really is only now that I am able to be dealing with this.
Thanks for replying guys...I have learnt a lot in the last ten years...but still have a way to go....
Take care Phiz
She passed away last year so it really is only now that I am able to be dealing with this.
Thanks for replying guys...I have learnt a lot in the last ten years...but still have a way to go....
Take care Phiz
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Phiz....I can see that I h ave angered you by my question. I don't blame you for being angry---I took that risk....
No---I DID not know that you went away for 4 yrs. to another country (I didn't read all of your posts). That is very understandable...with you mother being ill. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that was hard to bear...
That is an interesting piece of experience for the kids....you daughter got a chance to see what it is like without living under the alcoholic misery....and, then seeing what it is like to do so.....
That makes your daughters keen observations quite understandable. If she had not had the 4yr. period of relative peace---she would probably just think that this was "normal" for all families.....
I just feel soo strongly for the children.....it is so hard on them....
I hope that you are all able to get away soon,,,,,
dandylion
No---I DID not know that you went away for 4 yrs. to another country (I didn't read all of your posts). That is very understandable...with you mother being ill. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that was hard to bear...
That is an interesting piece of experience for the kids....you daughter got a chance to see what it is like without living under the alcoholic misery....and, then seeing what it is like to do so.....
That makes your daughters keen observations quite understandable. If she had not had the 4yr. period of relative peace---she would probably just think that this was "normal" for all families.....
I just feel soo strongly for the children.....it is so hard on them....
I hope that you are all able to get away soon,,,,,
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Oh bless you no I am not angered by your message at all...not in the slightest.
I totally get where you are coming from and yes I have been on SR for ten years....learning and educating myself whilst living with AH.
So no honestly I have been here long enough to understand all responses....I am well educated on alcoholism and how it really is the family disease.
I feel awful for my children too...but I am moving forward...slowly though maybe but moving forward all the same.
I got us all back to the UK....with AH but here I have my family to support me too which I so need, and I didn't have that in Australia.
So slowly I am moving forward and honestly I appreciated your response, and I totally get it, and didn't expect you to know the full story.
Unfortunately my progress has been slow but only due to other circumstances.( caring for my mum and a few other things)...and that's ok as long as I keep moving forward.
I appreciate each and everyone of you here at SR.
Thank you for all your thoughts, responses and support.
It keeps me going. phiz
I totally get where you are coming from and yes I have been on SR for ten years....learning and educating myself whilst living with AH.
So no honestly I have been here long enough to understand all responses....I am well educated on alcoholism and how it really is the family disease.
I feel awful for my children too...but I am moving forward...slowly though maybe but moving forward all the same.
I got us all back to the UK....with AH but here I have my family to support me too which I so need, and I didn't have that in Australia.
So slowly I am moving forward and honestly I appreciated your response, and I totally get it, and didn't expect you to know the full story.
Unfortunately my progress has been slow but only due to other circumstances.( caring for my mum and a few other things)...and that's ok as long as I keep moving forward.
I appreciate each and everyone of you here at SR.
Thank you for all your thoughts, responses and support.
It keeps me going. phiz
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
And unfortunately we have all lived under the same roof that whole time.
Miss 8 is very perceptive, aren't they all?!
So no we have not yet lived apart from AH but now I am settled back on my home turf in The UK, and my mum is finally at peace I can now move forward once again.
Take care all
Al anon and SR keep me sane all the best Phiz
Miss 8 is very perceptive, aren't they all?!
So no we have not yet lived apart from AH but now I am settled back on my home turf in The UK, and my mum is finally at peace I can now move forward once again.
Take care all
Al anon and SR keep me sane all the best Phiz
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
That is one smart little girl; wise, intuitive, confident. Sounds like she's working a great recovery! 
And if I'm reading this right, she wasn't even around when you first thought of leaving? Wow, I can't help but wonder if fate brought her to you because she's going to help you focus through this process. DD11 affects me tremendously by reflecting my recovery back to me; it helps me to hear her speak in ways that break the pattern of dysfunction in our families.
As sad as it is, I understand her harsh perspective on the dad's day card.... no one would encourage an ACOA to send their dad a card, why push her? At her age I'm not sure she can manage having anger & empathy at the same time, she's still learning to regulate that stuff. With such a precocious child, it's too bad he doesn't appreciate her more. (((((Hugs)))))
And if I'm reading this right, she wasn't even around when you first thought of leaving? Wow, I can't help but wonder if fate brought her to you because she's going to help you focus through this process. DD11 affects me tremendously by reflecting my recovery back to me; it helps me to hear her speak in ways that break the pattern of dysfunction in our families. As sad as it is, I understand her harsh perspective on the dad's day card.... no one would encourage an ACOA to send their dad a card, why push her? At her age I'm not sure she can manage having anger & empathy at the same time, she's still learning to regulate that stuff. With such a precocious child, it's too bad he doesn't appreciate her more. (((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Phiz,
I am one here to tell you that it took me a long time to leave. I had all my plans made to leave in the year 2000. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. He became, oh, so caring. That's also a lie. He cared because he knew that he was supposed to care, he cared only about what people thought about him. This is also not be analyzing what he thought, it's what he told me.
Abuse is so insidious. It's an everyday thing. You've been around here, you read about the frog and the boiling water.
I don't know if you read much of my story. I did belong to another forum once and it was about verbal abuse. That forum is now gone. Thing is, I felt like I wasn't moving fast enough for the people there. I know that was me and not them, but then I started to isolate. I was so ashamed of my life. Guess what I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter when you joined, it doesn't matter what you did, or didn't do. You are reaching out again, that's all that matters.
It took me such a long time to leave, but I think I needed that time also. I think if I left any sooner then I did, I most likely would have returned. Things would have been a lot worse then.
So, just glad that you are posting again. You are no longer isolating. You are telling your story, and I thank you for that. You aren't alone any longer. You have a family with you now, and that's us. Let us know anytime when you are hurting, and what you need. We'll be here for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
I am one here to tell you that it took me a long time to leave. I had all my plans made to leave in the year 2000. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. He became, oh, so caring. That's also a lie. He cared because he knew that he was supposed to care, he cared only about what people thought about him. This is also not be analyzing what he thought, it's what he told me.
Abuse is so insidious. It's an everyday thing. You've been around here, you read about the frog and the boiling water.
I don't know if you read much of my story. I did belong to another forum once and it was about verbal abuse. That forum is now gone. Thing is, I felt like I wasn't moving fast enough for the people there. I know that was me and not them, but then I started to isolate. I was so ashamed of my life. Guess what I am trying to say is that it doesn't matter when you joined, it doesn't matter what you did, or didn't do. You are reaching out again, that's all that matters.
It took me such a long time to leave, but I think I needed that time also. I think if I left any sooner then I did, I most likely would have returned. Things would have been a lot worse then.
So, just glad that you are posting again. You are no longer isolating. You are telling your story, and I thank you for that. You aren't alone any longer. You have a family with you now, and that's us. Let us know anytime when you are hurting, and what you need. We'll be here for you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I explain to my children that while I am hurt over the things that my X has done, bitterness and anger are actually toxic to me as a person, so it's really important not to let those things take over your own life. That the best thing you can do is be honest about your feelings, and pray for him.
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