MrsD

Same struggle. Its been a few months since I was on here, but same struggle. I know I can't keep doing this with my husband.

I just want some words of wisdom to remind me that I can no longer give in to the words "I'll quit this time. I'm sorry, I want to come home." He won't, he's not, and he can't.

Thomas45

I think the wisdom you're asking for in your first sentence was given to you in your second one.

redatlanta

Response: Quit, clean up your act then we'll talk about you coming home. Not come home, then quit, then clean up your act.

iGirl66

Yep. You answered it yourself dear one. The wise woman you seek is in the mirror. She is stronger than you realize

MrsD

I've been reading other threads. Gosh it is so helpful just to read other's stories.

I'm back at that stage where he's still in the house, refusing to leave, but refusing to speak to me. I'm hoping he will leave this time; and I am hoping that I can maintain this attitude of hoping he will leave. See, I always regret, 2nd guess, take the blame, apologize for not being able to better tolerate & accept him.. and allow him back.. almost by invitation. Every time. I'VE GOTTA STOP.

It's easy to quietly wish for him to go from day to day when things are bad. It's easy when he's yelling "F#@k you." It's not so easy when I actually watch him go, remove things from the house, drive away, and the house is quiet. I need the strength to let him go, to return to my life and be perfectly ok, because I know darn well I'm capable of that. I seem to subconsciously sabotage my own chance of happiness at the last minute every time.

By the way, I've come a long way since my first post in February. I've gotten a much better job that I really enjoy and I work less hours for better pay. I've joined a local outdoor activity group and have gone on kayaking day trips & am planning on more, I've met some fabulous people. I've stopped saying "I should do that," and started saying "Let's go!" I've improved a great deal in getting my own life, in moving forward.. but this one thing.. the marriage.. I never seem to make any progress. I keep going in circles.

dandylion

Mrs.D......I have a couple of practical suggestions for you...for when he wants to return or stay.....
I think that a couple of documents for you to keep in your sock drawer....for when you need your brain to take charge---because your heart is just too vulnerable to be trusted with your best interest.....

1) The post submitted by cynical one, titled: "10 ways to tell when an Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap" (found under "Classic Readings" in the stickies).

2)Making a list of the worst fallouts that have come from his alcoholism in your relationship. Especially, listing the ones that have been detrimental to your inner happiness and your thriving as a person.
Given our human nature to repress the bad memories---this can snap you back to the day to day realities.....

I also have a question for you.....How much do you REALLY know of what authentic recovering of soberiety looks like?
Maybe, take a look at the people who have done long-term recovery----like those who have co mpletely changed their lives around--what do they all have in common? You might find an alcoholism counselor who has 10--15--20yrs of personal recovery to talk to. Personally, those are the people who I listen to......lol!

I glanced back over your last threads (very quickly).....and, I was struck by the amount of very good and thoughtful responses that y ou recieved, at that time.....lol! including several from myself!
I am very curious----was there anything in those threads that was of help to you.....any things that stuck in your mind?
(that would truly be useful feed back to some of us (me) who run our m ouths so much.....lol!)

One more thought.....it is very painful to break bonds with significant others once they are formed. There is always a period of mourning...grief...pain....
I think that a lot of people feel that the presence of psychic pain at a break-up means that they have made a mistake----when, in fact, it is a necessary period of short-term pain that one must pass through in order to extricate themselves from a destructive situation and go forward....

MrsD......here are my words (that you asked for)...lol.

dandylion

dandylion

Mrs.D.....I posted before I got to read you last post!!!! I apologize if I came across as redundant.

You last post reminds me of how we all humans have fears of abandonment, down deep. Breaking human bonds always hurts--no matter who we are.
Maybe you need more support for that time---maybe a therapist for support....maybe a support group like alanon or a grief support group or a place where you share you i nnermost fears and thoughts and where you get hugs and a soft place to fall...................?

This ain't easy stuff for n obody........

dandylion

MrsD

Perfect, Dandylion. I appreciate it. I'm going to do the #1 & 2 suggestions. I'm going to write these things down, I'm way better at writing than talking to him. A lot of the responses have been sticking in my mind all this time, whether I act on things or not-- I've been listening, reading, thinking. The responses stuck with me so well.. that's exactly why I came back here. It's the best help I've ever gotten because others that haven't been in this position just don't understand why we do what we do-- and the manipulation that goes on from the A spouse.

Thank you so much.

dandylion

Mrs.D....thank you for responding! It is really good to know that seeds truly are planted...even if a person isn't ready or able to act, just yet.

That is what we call "processing" .....right..?

It is funny...I have recommended the list of the ten ways to know about "crap" to three people in the last 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!

DANDYLION

MrsD

I'm putting him out now. Like, right now.

Good god give me strength this time.

By the way... I poured out my heart and cried and told him how much he has hurt me and how difficult and draining this is for me and he never even looked away from his computer screen and he told me:

"Try harder."

dandylion

Mrs.D......that is the kind of response from a person whose back is against the wall and they have no possibler defense.
The war with him is in his head---between himself and the disease--the alcoholic voice that talks to him 24/7.
The disease clearly has the upper hand, right now. He is being controlled by his disease. He HAS to view you as the enemy---you are threatening his ability to be able to drink (like air for him).
He CAN"T see your side of things or "side with you" or listen to compassion for you......because that would mean that he would have to give up his denial....face reality...take responsibility....admit that he was "wrong" and face a tidal wave of guilt and shame that would probably feel overwhelming for him.... He is caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.....literally...

And, not one bit of it has anything to do with you. He is not drinking to "hurt" you, and he isn't drinking "at" you.
He is sick, right now with the disease of alcoholism and he reality is very distorted.

Please don't personalize this too m uch. Don't waste any more energy resorting to reason and l ogic---he can't hear it. Unless he arrested the disease by total abstainence and a strong and vigorous program of recovery (for the rest of h is l ife) he cannot see your reality.....even if he wants to.....

You will have to do what you have to do in order to stop the damage that his disease is doing to you.

I am so sorry..............

dandylion

Hawkeye13

what a nummnutz
he may be in pain, an addict, but I was an alcoholic and don't think
I would have ever treated my spouse the way he has you.

you are doing the right thing for you, clearly.

If he can't look up from his computer, it's clear he can't see his role
in a mature relationship.

Change the locks straight away, and make sure he can't access credit cards,
bank account, etc. as he will find he needs this thing called "money" which
has to be "worked" for, something he doesn't do much of. . .

MrsD

He's gone. All his worldly belongings stuffed into his 2 seater mid life crisis car.

I contacted his ex-wife, as she is the only local "family" he has. She said he cannot stay there, she got their kids away from him after 14 years of dealing with him. She called his parents, as I am sick and tired of calling his parents over this. They say he cannot come there and they will not fund any treatment for him. They verge on millionaires, and in general, enable the $#!t out of him. Hence the problem.

He was mostly mad as he left because this inconveniences his lifestyle & tennis plans. He claims he cannot afford to live on his own. We do not share any finances. This was my home when we married, which is owned by my parents anyway and I pay rent. I was financially trapped in a very abusive situation in my previous marriage for 15 long years. I knew better than to share ANY finances with him.

Is this all alcoholism.. or alcohol induced selfishness.. or is he just maybe a jerk who also has a drinking problem? Sometimes I wonder.

biminiblue

It is all of those things.

Good job. Onward! You don't owe him anything, certainly not helping to find him somewhere to stay.

dandylion

I agree with bimmini.....sounds like he is an alcoholic jerk!

Not to worry too much about his room and board...he will, no doubt h ave a new enabler enlisted in no time......
All he will have to do is to turn on the charm and make them laugh---and spin the tales about how poorly his ex wives treated him.... There are always women lined up to "save" a ch arming guy in need.....

dandylion

MrsD

This "try harder" thing is really bothering me. What a selfish thing to expect someone to sacrifice more, to try harder, simply so HE doesn't have to make any changes. I think those 2 words were the deciding factor this time.

Before he said that, I actually tried to get him to take a walk with me & talk. We had had it out last night. It's a new day, it's a beautiful day, I put the dog on her leash and (in a really friendly way) said "C'mon, lets take a walk together." He said "No way. Not happening." It was the response of a little punk teenager, not a 41 year old grown husband. That, and then the "Try Harder.." I feel I kinda snapped. Finally.

CodeJob

Good. Keep doing stuff for you. Enjoy the peace of your own place!

LaTeeDa

Hoo boy, I can relate to this. I felt so much more like a parent than a wife when I was married to an alcoholic. I remember one time in Walmart telling my two kids they could each pick a movie from the $5 bin. They both brought me their choices so I could approve and what do you think happened next? My husband picked a movie and stuck it in the cart. It was like he was my third child and he felt left out! What a relief it was not to have to "parent" him anymore!

L

Hawkeye13

Now you need to stay strong and not let him back in the door again.

Imagine a peaceful, calm, and happy home with no freeloading and negative energy.

Get those locks changed and enjoy taking care of yourself for a change--

FeelingGreat

It just reeks of arrogance. Write those 2 words out, pin them up somewhere and apply them to getting him out of your life. Next time he asks to come back, 'try harder' to remember what he's like.