I'm back here again.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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3 days later, he's still out. Every time I start to miss him, he sends me another anger filled text blaming me and telling me everything was fine and I ruined it. Those texts honestly help. In the silence I miss him. When he does that, it's a good reminder. I even asked him an unrelated question which he answered "I'd NEVER live in that house again!" Um, I certainly did not invite him to. Didn't even suggest it.
I just read someone else say that they feel abandoned even though they put the other spouse out. Yes. Deep down I think I felt that love was gonna conquer this; that he'd sleep alone a few days and realize he'd rather have a wife than a drink. He did not.
He was not drinking as heavily as some times when I actually put him out. That brings about a little guilt in me. I've seen a whole lot worse from him. He was down to 6-8 beers a night, though he was only home & awake for about an hour an evening lately. He was going to work at a temp job, but then playing tennis all evening. He'd come home and spend the next hour drinking, with headphones on, watching tennis or doomsday-the-economy's-failing videos on youtube, then he would rant about how he hates his job (because he is not seen as important there, he just started, he never holds a job for more than a few months so he never moves up.) Then he would go to bed, turned away from me, not a word. I dont know if 6-8 beers even constitutes alcoholism, because I know it could be/has been worse.. but I know he is not willing to go without those. I've suspected he's been drinking before he comes home anyway.
It's not just the amount of alcohol, I guess. It's the attitude that goes along with it. The self-destructive behavior, the isolation, the negative, angry attitude, the self-centered-ness. And the "TRY HARDER" thing he said..... sheesh.
Anyway, I'm rambling. It's been so hard to sleep. I just keep thinking it had been worse than this, why did I choose now?
I just read someone else say that they feel abandoned even though they put the other spouse out. Yes. Deep down I think I felt that love was gonna conquer this; that he'd sleep alone a few days and realize he'd rather have a wife than a drink. He did not.
He was not drinking as heavily as some times when I actually put him out. That brings about a little guilt in me. I've seen a whole lot worse from him. He was down to 6-8 beers a night, though he was only home & awake for about an hour an evening lately. He was going to work at a temp job, but then playing tennis all evening. He'd come home and spend the next hour drinking, with headphones on, watching tennis or doomsday-the-economy's-failing videos on youtube, then he would rant about how he hates his job (because he is not seen as important there, he just started, he never holds a job for more than a few months so he never moves up.) Then he would go to bed, turned away from me, not a word. I dont know if 6-8 beers even constitutes alcoholism, because I know it could be/has been worse.. but I know he is not willing to go without those. I've suspected he's been drinking before he comes home anyway.
It's not just the amount of alcohol, I guess. It's the attitude that goes along with it. The self-destructive behavior, the isolation, the negative, angry attitude, the self-centered-ness. And the "TRY HARDER" thing he said..... sheesh.
Anyway, I'm rambling. It's been so hard to sleep. I just keep thinking it had been worse than this, why did I choose now?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Don't second guess your very sane decision.
6-8 beers on even any one occasion is a problem. In addition, if it's a problem for you, it's a problem. I doubt that's all he's having. It will get worse if he doesn't stop. And, yes - the behaviors will take more than just abstinence from alcohol. He has other issues.
That voice in your head of doubt is your addiction speaking. Continue to deny it and it will lessen.
6-8 beers on even any one occasion is a problem. In addition, if it's a problem for you, it's a problem. I doubt that's all he's having. It will get worse if he doesn't stop. And, yes - the behaviors will take more than just abstinence from alcohol. He has other issues.
That voice in your head of doubt is your addiction speaking. Continue to deny it and it will lessen.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Yes that's *my* addiction. Him. Taking care of him.
I'm trying to remind myself that I felt the same need to have my ex husband back, who was a heavy drinker toward the end and mentally & physically abusive. I was addicted to him too, and now that seems crazy in retrospect. Maybe this will too one day.
I'm lonely for an adult in the house, but I have 2 teenage sons that are better deserving of my attention and energy. And they deserve a peaceful home. I have to keep reminding myself of that too.
I'm trying to remind myself that I felt the same need to have my ex husband back, who was a heavy drinker toward the end and mentally & physically abusive. I was addicted to him too, and now that seems crazy in retrospect. Maybe this will too one day.
I'm lonely for an adult in the house, but I have 2 teenage sons that are better deserving of my attention and energy. And they deserve a peaceful home. I have to keep reminding myself of that too.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Mrs.D......that is the kind of response from a person whose back is against the wall and they have no possibler defense.
The war with him is in his head---between himself and the disease--the alcoholic voice that talks to him 24/7.
The disease clearly has the upper hand, right now. He is being controlled by his disease. He HAS to view you as the enemy---you are threatening his ability to be able to drink (like air for him).
He CAN"T see your side of things or "side with you" or listen to compassion for you......because that would mean that he would have to give up his denial....face reality...take responsibility....admit that he was "wrong" and face a tidal wave of guilt and shame that would probably feel overwhelming for him.... He is caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.....literally...
And, not one bit of it has anything to do with you. He is not drinking to "hurt" you, and he isn't drinking "at" you.
He is sick, right now with the disease of alcoholism and he reality is very distorted.
Please don't personalize this too m uch. Don't waste any more energy resorting to reason and l ogic---he can't hear it. Unless he arrested the disease by total abstainence and a strong and vigorous program of recovery (for the rest of h is l ife) he cannot see your reality.....even if he wants to.....
You will have to do what you have to do in order to stop the damage that his disease is doing to you.
I am so sorry..............
dandylion
The war with him is in his head---between himself and the disease--the alcoholic voice that talks to him 24/7.
The disease clearly has the upper hand, right now. He is being controlled by his disease. He HAS to view you as the enemy---you are threatening his ability to be able to drink (like air for him).
He CAN"T see your side of things or "side with you" or listen to compassion for you......because that would mean that he would have to give up his denial....face reality...take responsibility....admit that he was "wrong" and face a tidal wave of guilt and shame that would probably feel overwhelming for him.... He is caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.....literally...
And, not one bit of it has anything to do with you. He is not drinking to "hurt" you, and he isn't drinking "at" you.
He is sick, right now with the disease of alcoholism and he reality is very distorted.
Please don't personalize this too m uch. Don't waste any more energy resorting to reason and l ogic---he can't hear it. Unless he arrested the disease by total abstainence and a strong and vigorous program of recovery (for the rest of h is l ife) he cannot see your reality.....even if he wants to.....
You will have to do what you have to do in order to stop the damage that his disease is doing to you.
I am so sorry..............
dandylion
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This isnt important but can I share the straw that broke the camels back and started the argument saturday night? I haven't really talked about it.
Husband and I had a fairly good day, we had been at his tennis tournament all day. My parents recently adopted a little dog (that looks very similar to my dog in the picture.) They were out of town and were boarding him since I had a busy weekend, or else I would have been the one to keep him. The kennel called and said the dog was extremely sick and was at the emergency vet, so I went over to stay with him. I brought him home (he had pancreatitis) and he was heavily sedated on morphine. I put him on the couch with me, my other little dog by his side. Hubby said "I'm going to bed." I told him I really needed to stay with the dog until he was better.. he already had a previously shattered hip from abuse & a bullet wound.. hence why he was at the pound where they adopted him from. He only walks on 3 legs on a good day, there was no way was I going to leave this little guy unattended all night, sick & on morphine.
Well the husband is not so much a dog person, which is HUGE for me because I am. But anyway, he "joked" that the dog was cutting into our "romantic date night." I "joked" that all our romantic date nights for a good while consisted of me looking at the back of his head. (He's been to drunk and sleepy for sex.)
That started his fit, he was insulted, defensive.. he yelled horrible things at me then he ran out the door to go get drunk. Drunk-er. He stumbled in, (woke the dog again) and slammed our bedroom door & passed out. Then he refused to speak to me into the next day. When I reached out to him to ask him to take a walk & talk with me and he behaved like a teenager and refused, that's when I told him enough. He's always looking for an excuse to drink and play the victim, to behave the way he does.. and blame me.
Does this sound nuts? Petty? Sometimes arguments over "small" things represent big problems.
Husband and I had a fairly good day, we had been at his tennis tournament all day. My parents recently adopted a little dog (that looks very similar to my dog in the picture.) They were out of town and were boarding him since I had a busy weekend, or else I would have been the one to keep him. The kennel called and said the dog was extremely sick and was at the emergency vet, so I went over to stay with him. I brought him home (he had pancreatitis) and he was heavily sedated on morphine. I put him on the couch with me, my other little dog by his side. Hubby said "I'm going to bed." I told him I really needed to stay with the dog until he was better.. he already had a previously shattered hip from abuse & a bullet wound.. hence why he was at the pound where they adopted him from. He only walks on 3 legs on a good day, there was no way was I going to leave this little guy unattended all night, sick & on morphine.
Well the husband is not so much a dog person, which is HUGE for me because I am. But anyway, he "joked" that the dog was cutting into our "romantic date night." I "joked" that all our romantic date nights for a good while consisted of me looking at the back of his head. (He's been to drunk and sleepy for sex.)
That started his fit, he was insulted, defensive.. he yelled horrible things at me then he ran out the door to go get drunk. Drunk-er. He stumbled in, (woke the dog again) and slammed our bedroom door & passed out. Then he refused to speak to me into the next day. When I reached out to him to ask him to take a walk & talk with me and he behaved like a teenager and refused, that's when I told him enough. He's always looking for an excuse to drink and play the victim, to behave the way he does.. and blame me.
Does this sound nuts? Petty? Sometimes arguments over "small" things represent big problems.
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Sounds like fairly typical active-addict behavior. You attacked his drinking and he got defensive. There's nothing petty about wanting your life partner to behave in a mature, responsible way, but it does sound like that is too much to expect from him.
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It IS funny how often the comments that send us over the edge are so insignificant compared to previously suffered verbal abuse, name calling or all of the legal, financial & emotional crises. It only takes that last little bit to unbalance things & send them crashing down.
My "rock bottom" Codie moment actually extended an entire weekend starting on Friday night, while we battled it out, sleeping on & off as we squared off over & over again. I remember waking exhausted that Sunday morning, with that constant roaring headache I always had when we fought like that & him saying, "I just don't know WHAT I want!" like an exasperated, spoiled brat with too many options to choose from & I. Simply. Lost. It. I swear I felt my mind just shut down & go into survival mode. I stopped thinking before I spoke & I was just as surprised at my words & actions as he was, judging by the look of shock on his face.
"Well, I sure know WHAT *I* WANT!!!!... You - Gone! Guess what? YOU don't make all the decisions around here & haven't for a VERY long time!" I grabbed a bunch of huge garbage bags & started shoving everything he owned into them telling him to either help or deal with the way I was going to do it on my own. I stacked everything onto his truck, made him explain to DD that he was leaving & sent him packing with plans to meet at the courthouse in the morning to start going through the legalities of our divorce.
For weeks, any time I started to get weepy I would hear, "I just don't know WHAT I want!" in my head in that whiny, crybaby tone & my tears dried right up.
(((((hugs)))))
My "rock bottom" Codie moment actually extended an entire weekend starting on Friday night, while we battled it out, sleeping on & off as we squared off over & over again. I remember waking exhausted that Sunday morning, with that constant roaring headache I always had when we fought like that & him saying, "I just don't know WHAT I want!" like an exasperated, spoiled brat with too many options to choose from & I. Simply. Lost. It. I swear I felt my mind just shut down & go into survival mode. I stopped thinking before I spoke & I was just as surprised at my words & actions as he was, judging by the look of shock on his face.
"Well, I sure know WHAT *I* WANT!!!!... You - Gone! Guess what? YOU don't make all the decisions around here & haven't for a VERY long time!" I grabbed a bunch of huge garbage bags & started shoving everything he owned into them telling him to either help or deal with the way I was going to do it on my own. I stacked everything onto his truck, made him explain to DD that he was leaving & sent him packing with plans to meet at the courthouse in the morning to start going through the legalities of our divorce.
For weeks, any time I started to get weepy I would hear, "I just don't know WHAT I want!" in my head in that whiny, crybaby tone & my tears dried right up.
(((((hugs)))))
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This sounds like a problem for one person, him. Stick to your plan and do not let him in your house under any circumstance. When he comes crying that he has no where to go, have a list of the nearest shelters printed out ready to hand to him. Stay strong.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
him saying, "I just don't know WHAT I want!" like an exasperated, spoiled brat with too many options to choose from
No sense of responsibility.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
That voice in your head of doubt is your addiction speaking. Continue to deny it and it will lessen.
Thanks all of you.
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