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dealing with it all advice :)

Old 06-12-2015, 12:30 PM
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dealing with it all advice :)

I left my husband 3 wks ago, left our home with my 3 kids I have given him many chances and at the end of the day I made it clear I didnt want to live with a heavy drinker....which of course meant he drank even more. So I actually left.

he is now so so angry its all my fault and how dare I take the kids away from him im just the ultimate bitch. I hate the fact someone hates me so much, im talking so nice to him, being so nice, playing perfect, not yelling at him for doing stupid stuff, I just want to be friends with him for kids sake but boy he absolutely hates me.

how can I get over the fact he hates me so much!! I know he'll never get it he blames me for everything
I dont ecpect that of him, god I thought hed be happy he could continue drinking away without a nagging horrible wife!!!
He goes on about missing the kids etc but when we were home he hardly spent that much time with them either. Im just a little lost
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:35 PM
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Totally typical, johnno. When drinking it is almost impossible to be happy or positive, and God forbid take any responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

Are you planning on a legal separation? Then you could communicate through attorneys.

You don't have to listen to him. When he is abusive say, "I'm not listening to your abuse any more." Then hang up. Protect your own peace and quiet. He doesn't get to rant at you about his terrible life. Just disengage.

I did that a couple times, then told him not to contact me. When he did, I hung up. He kept calling back. I called the police and they told him it could be charged as stalking and to leave me alone. That worked.
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:43 PM
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Of course he's mad-my ex was mad as hell too because how dare I disrupt his little life....no concern of course from him as to the hell he put me and our kids through over the last few years for me to reach my limit of abuse, lies and manipulation. He will most likely blame you until he gets into recovery. If he ever does. It's his choice to blame you-but it is not your fault. You did THE right thing by getting yourself and your kids away from him!!
P.s. I chuckle to myself a little bit when I hear my ex complain about how much he misses his kids-he never did anything with them while we were together! Nothing that would cut into his drinking time each and every night! My ex misses his kids yet he has scared his daughter to the point of her shaking and not wanting to ever see him again. Right on buddy, dad of the year. Johnno-you made the absolute right decision. He's just kicking and screaming and revealing his TRUE personality to you. Move on with your life.
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:44 PM
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Yeah i agree with Bimini - you left to free yourself from a horrible situation. He's going to do his best to STILL make it horrible for you, and you are in a place now that you can prevent it!

"Contact me by text only, and only about the kids."

The accusations, hatred and blame will be minimized!

GOOD FOR YOU for escaping the chaos!!!
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Old 06-12-2015, 12:53 PM
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He didn't want you to leave so he could keep drinking in peace, he wanted everything to stay exactly the same as it was. He was comfortable there and didn't have to face the fact that his drinking cost him anything. Until he is ready to admit that, he needs everything to be your fault.

"How" do you let go of this? By accepting him for exactly who he is right now, today, and not wishing he was someone else.
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Old 06-12-2015, 02:09 PM
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It's easier to blame you than to admit he has / is the problem.
That's very "logical" to an alcoholic--nothing strange at all.

I agree with others--get the legal wheels in motion, and have contact only
by text about the kids.

Document everything he says and realize you have made the best choice for your children.

I grew up with a drunk, and believe me, it is so harmful many people never get over it.
Have faith you acted in the best interest of your children and look forward, not back
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Old 06-12-2015, 02:26 PM
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Ugh, sounds like my ex. Pretty sure there's a script they pass around. All the same old tired lines. It really used to get to me too.
I ended up setting a lot of boundaries around contact with him after I left (way more than I had when we lived together). That helped a lot.
I will not talk to you if you're drinking. That eliminated 85-90% of all conversations right there.
I will only talk about our son, or just hand the phone to our son, since he misses him so much, but not enough to stop drinking, just enough to cry and complain and blame me. Whatever.
I will not tolerate verbal abuse.
Those 3 things served me well. Nowadays I just tell him to have his lawyer call my lawyer. Let him spend money if he wants to unload a bunch of bs on me.
Stay strong. It does get easier, and you and your kids deserve peace.
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Old 06-12-2015, 03:59 PM
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Nobody likes to be dumped whether they deserve it or not.

Time is what you need. Stay clear of him and let him chill.
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Old 06-12-2015, 05:29 PM
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Thanks yea I hope in time he'll chill hope so for the kids sake

Great advice I needed from all you wonderful people once again. Thank you so much xxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:01 PM
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Hey johnno, it must be typical. My husband hates me at the moment too, apparently I've left him homeless.

They had a choice - drink or don't drink. Fully aware of the consequences of both.

I don't know about yours but I feel that my husband is probably angrier with himself than with me but it is easier to channel that anger onto me than deal with it himself and by being angry with me, it validates his drinking.
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:17 PM
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^^ this...anything to validate their drinking. Spot on.
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Old 06-13-2015, 01:58 PM
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It helped me to pray for acceptance of his drinking and that I will never understand it or him. Only then was peace of mind possible.
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