My boyfriend's brother won't admit that he's addicted
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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My boyfriend's brother won't admit that he's addicted
hello everyone,
my boyfriend's older brother is addicted to alcohol and his family is getting more and more clueless what is the right thing to do. My boyfriend Ted says it is very difficult to talk to Mike about that because he won't admit that he's addicted, not even to himself. Alcohol is not the only problem though.
Mike is over 32 years old and still living with his parents. He has no girlfriend or friends and is very lonely. He doesn't seem to have anyone, which is a big part of the problem too, I think. He lives in a small town and doesn't even have a driver’s license, which means he can't go anywhere far enough to get out, ever. He still has his family of course, but he is very irresponsible and will not stick to any rules, which makes living with him difficult. Besides his father is a real slob. He's unemployed for over ten years now and while his wife Stephanie works really hard, (although she's got health problems!) he won't help her with chores or anything! Mike won't let anyone in his room, and that's because its condition is worse than any garbage dump. Beer bottles are piling up everywhere and the only way to move around is from the door to the bed. Ted and Stephanie made him promise to clean up over and over again, but he just won't do it. No one is getting why, because he seems to want it himself, but just can’t get himself to do it. But even when we offer him to help with the cleaning he won’t let us, because he’s ashamed. It’s as if something inside of him is blocking him from ever doing the slightest attempt to help himself. It’s as if he has two faces. One very kind, funny and clever one, and one very angry and aggressive one. When he's drunk he's just not the same person. But the worst problem of all is that he suppresses everything. If anyone confronts him because of his drinking problem or broken promises, he will just walk away, lock the door and pretend nothing happened the next day. He won't let anyone near him or talk to him. Stephanie and Ted are really trying to help him so badly, but he just won't let himself get any help. Once Mike promised to go to a meeting to get help, but instead he just sat on a park bench for two hours. Stephanie is thinking about throwing him out of the house, but she's too afraid that he'll commit suicide. Ted says he'll do that anyway earlier or later because Mike thinks he's got nothing to live for.
Stephanie is crying every night because she feels so desperately and Ted is truly helpless too. I know it's not my family, but I love them so much and it hurts to see all of them in pain like that. We don't know what to do anymore, how can you help someone, who rejects every help that he's offered?
my boyfriend's older brother is addicted to alcohol and his family is getting more and more clueless what is the right thing to do. My boyfriend Ted says it is very difficult to talk to Mike about that because he won't admit that he's addicted, not even to himself. Alcohol is not the only problem though.
Mike is over 32 years old and still living with his parents. He has no girlfriend or friends and is very lonely. He doesn't seem to have anyone, which is a big part of the problem too, I think. He lives in a small town and doesn't even have a driver’s license, which means he can't go anywhere far enough to get out, ever. He still has his family of course, but he is very irresponsible and will not stick to any rules, which makes living with him difficult. Besides his father is a real slob. He's unemployed for over ten years now and while his wife Stephanie works really hard, (although she's got health problems!) he won't help her with chores or anything! Mike won't let anyone in his room, and that's because its condition is worse than any garbage dump. Beer bottles are piling up everywhere and the only way to move around is from the door to the bed. Ted and Stephanie made him promise to clean up over and over again, but he just won't do it. No one is getting why, because he seems to want it himself, but just can’t get himself to do it. But even when we offer him to help with the cleaning he won’t let us, because he’s ashamed. It’s as if something inside of him is blocking him from ever doing the slightest attempt to help himself. It’s as if he has two faces. One very kind, funny and clever one, and one very angry and aggressive one. When he's drunk he's just not the same person. But the worst problem of all is that he suppresses everything. If anyone confronts him because of his drinking problem or broken promises, he will just walk away, lock the door and pretend nothing happened the next day. He won't let anyone near him or talk to him. Stephanie and Ted are really trying to help him so badly, but he just won't let himself get any help. Once Mike promised to go to a meeting to get help, but instead he just sat on a park bench for two hours. Stephanie is thinking about throwing him out of the house, but she's too afraid that he'll commit suicide. Ted says he'll do that anyway earlier or later because Mike thinks he's got nothing to live for.
Stephanie is crying every night because she feels so desperately and Ted is truly helpless too. I know it's not my family, but I love them so much and it hurts to see all of them in pain like that. We don't know what to do anymore, how can you help someone, who rejects every help that he's offered?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Avy and welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm so glad you're here but so very sorry you had the need to seek us out.
The first thing that becomes clear when dealing with an alcoholic is that until they are ready to embrace recovery for themselves, there is nothing anyone can do or say to help them. The fact is he is an adult with the right to choose how he lives. The good news is that the rest of his family shares that privilege, too.
Right now it sounds like he is enabled to the point of never having any reason to change. He is provided for and never has to be responsible for any consequences. Often in our efforts to help our loved ones who are in pain, we merely enable them to maintain the status quo.
The best thing his family can do -- not just for him, but for themselves -- is to educate themselves about alcoholism and codependency. This is a progressive disease that thrives on other people feeling so badly for the state of the alcoholic that they refuse to let him or her fail -- when failure may be the only thing that can instigate a change.
You might recommend that his family find and attend as many Al-Anon meetings as they can get to. Each of them is as affected by his affliction as he is himself, and each of them need support and resources to find a healthier dynamic.
I know how much it hurts to watch someone destroy themselves. I could not help my mother or my ex-boyfriend from going down that path, but I did find a way to separate my life and happiness from the consequences of their choices.
Hugs to you.
The first thing that becomes clear when dealing with an alcoholic is that until they are ready to embrace recovery for themselves, there is nothing anyone can do or say to help them. The fact is he is an adult with the right to choose how he lives. The good news is that the rest of his family shares that privilege, too.
Right now it sounds like he is enabled to the point of never having any reason to change. He is provided for and never has to be responsible for any consequences. Often in our efforts to help our loved ones who are in pain, we merely enable them to maintain the status quo.
The best thing his family can do -- not just for him, but for themselves -- is to educate themselves about alcoholism and codependency. This is a progressive disease that thrives on other people feeling so badly for the state of the alcoholic that they refuse to let him or her fail -- when failure may be the only thing that can instigate a change.
You might recommend that his family find and attend as many Al-Anon meetings as they can get to. Each of them is as affected by his affliction as he is himself, and each of them need support and resources to find a healthier dynamic.
I know how much it hurts to watch someone destroy themselves. I could not help my mother or my ex-boyfriend from going down that path, but I did find a way to separate my life and happiness from the consequences of their choices.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me as if your friend's brother might have some mental health issues in addition to his alcoholism. There are treatment programs that specialize in this kind of "dual diagnosis" situation, but it's basically impossible to force someone into treatment.
The bottom line is that as long as everyone is willing to allow him to live this way under their roof, he has no motivation to do anything about his situation. That requires a united front, which doesn't sound possible with the father's attitude. Getting him out of the house might be a challenge, too, as it might be necessary (depending on where they live) to go through a formal eviction process if he refuses to leave.
I'd suggest that your boyfriend and his mom start attending Al-Anon, which might help them to make the situation a little better as they figure out what to do. Sometimes people DO choose recovery when people stop making it easy for them to drink. And it isn't fair that the rest of the family suffer because of fear that he will kill himself. If he's determined to do that, there is nothing they can do to stop it. Their lives have value, too, and it sounds as if this guy is holding everyone there hostage to his problems.
The bottom line is that as long as everyone is willing to allow him to live this way under their roof, he has no motivation to do anything about his situation. That requires a united front, which doesn't sound possible with the father's attitude. Getting him out of the house might be a challenge, too, as it might be necessary (depending on where they live) to go through a formal eviction process if he refuses to leave.
I'd suggest that your boyfriend and his mom start attending Al-Anon, which might help them to make the situation a little better as they figure out what to do. Sometimes people DO choose recovery when people stop making it easy for them to drink. And it isn't fair that the rest of the family suffer because of fear that he will kill himself. If he's determined to do that, there is nothing they can do to stop it. Their lives have value, too, and it sounds as if this guy is holding everyone there hostage to his problems.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Hi Avy,
After reading your post I believe there is more than alcohol use at play here. Possibly an underlying emotional/mental issue and very likely depression. Often alcohol abuse begins when someone tries to self medicate away their feelings.
There are many support groups for family who deal with substance abuse issues. Alanon focuses on the 12 step model, Smart Recovery focuses more on the therapeutic behavioral approach for example.
My suggestion is to actually look for a professional therapist. Explain the situation in depth and get some counsel this way. Someone is going to need to rock the boat but it needs to be done in a well thought out manner. For Example, there will need to be incentive for him to attend therapy sessions, and positive reinforcements all along the way (as well as some negative) until he can pull himself out of the fog and find the strength to fight his way into the light.
After reading your post I believe there is more than alcohol use at play here. Possibly an underlying emotional/mental issue and very likely depression. Often alcohol abuse begins when someone tries to self medicate away their feelings.
There are many support groups for family who deal with substance abuse issues. Alanon focuses on the 12 step model, Smart Recovery focuses more on the therapeutic behavioral approach for example.
My suggestion is to actually look for a professional therapist. Explain the situation in depth and get some counsel this way. Someone is going to need to rock the boat but it needs to be done in a well thought out manner. For Example, there will need to be incentive for him to attend therapy sessions, and positive reinforcements all along the way (as well as some negative) until he can pull himself out of the fog and find the strength to fight his way into the light.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Hi Lexie Cat,
thank you so much for your reply! Yes I think that the father is a big problem too, because he somehow keeps the family from being able to stand together.
In fact, his mother is often calling helplines, which tell her as well, to take measures, but she is in a way too soft and kind to actually do something. I also think it's kind of selfish of Mike to behave like he does, especially because of his mother. I know he has got problems, but in the end, he is responsible for his life choices, and he has no right to drag everyone down with him. I know this sounds mean and unfair, but his is how I feel. My boyfriend suffers so much because of him and he's normally such a funny, happy person. Still I can't be too angry, because I know Mike does not do this intentionally and that in the end, he doesn't deserve this. It is just so sad
thank you so much for your reply! Yes I think that the father is a big problem too, because he somehow keeps the family from being able to stand together.
In fact, his mother is often calling helplines, which tell her as well, to take measures, but she is in a way too soft and kind to actually do something. I also think it's kind of selfish of Mike to behave like he does, especially because of his mother. I know he has got problems, but in the end, he is responsible for his life choices, and he has no right to drag everyone down with him. I know this sounds mean and unfair, but his is how I feel. My boyfriend suffers so much because of him and he's normally such a funny, happy person. Still I can't be too angry, because I know Mike does not do this intentionally and that in the end, he doesn't deserve this. It is just so sad
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Hi SparkleKitty,
thanks very much for your reply. It is very nice too see that people here actually care.
Yeah this is what I see too, that he doesn't actually needs to change. He suffers from the lonelyness of course, but there is no drastic reason why he should behave differently from how he does now.
The big fear of my boyfriend and his mother is, that when he is actually confronted with any consequences whatsoever, he will give up immediately. Which means he will commit suicide. He seems to have absolutely nothing in his life. He is not needed and he has no friends. That's why he thinks his life is worthless and there is nothing worth fighting for. That is not what I belive, it's just what my boyfriend and his mother fear.
His mother is already searching for help via phone and my boyfriend thinks about getting proffessional help too. I think it's a good and vital step in the right direction, we just don't know if it pays of, yet.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother and ex-boyfriend. I hope you can cope with it, and it seems as if you're very brave!
Hugs to you too.
Avy
thanks very much for your reply. It is very nice too see that people here actually care.
Yeah this is what I see too, that he doesn't actually needs to change. He suffers from the lonelyness of course, but there is no drastic reason why he should behave differently from how he does now.
The big fear of my boyfriend and his mother is, that when he is actually confronted with any consequences whatsoever, he will give up immediately. Which means he will commit suicide. He seems to have absolutely nothing in his life. He is not needed and he has no friends. That's why he thinks his life is worthless and there is nothing worth fighting for. That is not what I belive, it's just what my boyfriend and his mother fear.
His mother is already searching for help via phone and my boyfriend thinks about getting proffessional help too. I think it's a good and vital step in the right direction, we just don't know if it pays of, yet.
I am very sorry to hear about your mother and ex-boyfriend. I hope you can cope with it, and it seems as if you're very brave!
Hugs to you too.
Avy
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Hi BlueChair,
thank you very much for your support! I think that it is possible that he has depressions too. I even think it is all rooted in his childhood, and that he has issues from that time that he never worked on, and which haunt him still. I often told my boyfriend, that a therapist for his brother is the only way to really help him. Still, Mike is very good at suppressing everything and I doubt that he will ever agree to seek proffessional help. Sadly.
thank you very much for your support! I think that it is possible that he has depressions too. I even think it is all rooted in his childhood, and that he has issues from that time that he never worked on, and which haunt him still. I often told my boyfriend, that a therapist for his brother is the only way to really help him. Still, Mike is very good at suppressing everything and I doubt that he will ever agree to seek proffessional help. Sadly.
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