LemonGirl

Not sure what to make of this, but I did it anyway...Most of us here wish we could get the chance to complain to our exes all the nonsense they put us through with their drinking. He actually reached out to me and asked me to tell him.
My xabf and I have never been in a NC position. I did recently shut down my FB and block his calls and texts. He did something on my FB that told me he was drinking and was being insecure about where I was or what I was doing. He just deployed a little over a month ago, and this insecurity is something completely new. True, we are not technically together, but we are also not completely done. Anyway, I blocked those avenues because I didn't deserve to be questioned like that when nothing is going on.
A week later I start getting emails from him telling me he is finally working sobriety. He is now close to 30 days. He does 2 AA meetings a week and is seeing a counselor. I am not celebrating just yet. But I have been responding with plenty of supportive letters. Yesterday I got an email from him saying that he wants me to tell him all the things he did (while drunk) and give him "constructive criticism."
Now, I know he couldn't possibly be on the 4th, 8th, or 9th step yet, but something in one of his meetings prompted him to start talking the truth about things that have transpired. He even told his chain of command some things, and it did NOT go well. He didn't disclose to me what it was or what their reaction was, but it wasn't good whatever it was. I just pepped him a little and told him I was proud of him for dealing with these things... But again, he asked me to tell him what had happened between him and I.
See.... I had never told him some stuff that had really bothered me. I look back now and see that it was just my codie behavior trying to keep the peace, to minimize conflict, and to keep the illusion that I had a good relationship, but of course, those events still rattle around in my brain, and I had told him a few weeks ago, that when he was ready, we should probably talk about those things if we ever hope to heal all of this and work through it.
I think he was just in the mood to have it all dealt to him at once... the truth. I hesitated to tell him, but I decided that it was best. He was asking, so I told him. After all, I am not responsible for his drinking, nor am I responsible for his recent resolve to work on sobriety.
But between you and I (all of our dear readers and members here on SR), I am worried sick that what I told him is going to either A) end up in a fight of denial or accusations where I become the bad guy (and I am ONLY worried about this because of my past experiences with other relationships; I have no idea how HE will react. Or B) he will end up feeling so low and ashamed that he will once again reach for the bottle.... I am going to start some housework and maybe do a good work out to distract myself from the knot in my stomach.

I told him thank you for the opportunity to say these things. That I appreciated that. I also told him that while a simple "I'm sorry" will suffice, that what I really need is just time. LOTS of time to gain back trust by watching him continue to reach for sobriety so that I know that those things will never happen again. Well, we all know that relapses are a constant possibility, so I have no false ideas about that. But in terms of a relationship, when trust is broken, time and the repeated action of doing the opposite is what helps fix those things... I guess we'll see.

In the meantime, I am still well. Still working out, still job hunting for a better job with benes, still doing positive affirmations for myself, still doing morning meditations, still living my life and reaching out. I KNOW that without a doubt, I am going to be fine, no matter what the outcome with him.

GemmaMcc

When reading your message I could totally relate to the part you was trying to say how it all gets turned around into you and when they get angry and take it out on us, I'm currently still living with my alcoholic partner, he has just lost yet another job!... That would be 4 in less than 12 months .. Im getting tired of having to dread hearing the words " iv just been fired again" and having to struggle to take over the mortgage and bills all by myself again. It's the feeling of dread, my stomach feels like it is going around like a washing machine or something.... Then panic sets in.... Last time he list his job it did serious problems to our finances .. And I'm extremely worried about this time . But all you say sounds so familiar, I'm starting to lose my family and friends because if his alcoholism , my mother has had to take herself away from the situation .. He's causing us to lose everything... The house, my family.... Everything. I can't understand why I feel so weak, I gues I'm hoping he will snap out of it , he has said the most hurtful things to me while drunk x
Gem

megsykreeg

I completely understand where u are. I think if he's asking that's a good sign that he's really working on his sobriety and think u should tell him. I only wish my AH would actually care enough to know what he's done while drunk. Even when he's been sober for a period of time he never really did steps 8 and 9 with me. I would still remain cautious and let him prove himself. U have nothing yo be ashamed of.

LemonGirl

Hi Gemma... glad you have found SR! I can relate to your exact scenario with an ex of mine... my youngest daughter's dad. He had lost so many jobs. It constantly threw us into financial turmoil. Finally, he left the state we were in to go to school in another state because the plan was that he was going to be able to stick with the job if he actually liked it; school was going to get him there. HA! Instead, while he was gone, I regained my self confidence. Meanwhile, instead of sending money home to help pay the bills, he sent maybe $100 a month. Said it was all he could afford. It was the last straw for me. So I left him while he was gone.

My current situation is nothing like that, however. Just to clarify... my xabf is working sobriety and we have no financial ties. I am simply worried that him asking me to tell him about what he has done while drunk could cause him to say something like "you're lying... that never happened..." because I KNOW he doesn't remember most of it. But those are just my fears. As codependents, it is not just our previous experience that sends our minds racing; it is also that we want to avoid conflict and not deal with the facts, so we try to stay away from these types of conversations.... at the same time, other codependents have found themselves so riled up from having taken so much nonsense from their A's, that they are ready to burst and feel compelled to get back at their partner/ex-partner. All of this stems from the inability to communicate one's own needs.
I wish you the best! I hope you find your limit and begin to work on you ;-)

LemonGirl

Awe... thanx Megsy! I was a little surprised that he actually asked me. I know how many of us need this type of closure or experience. Heck, I have bones to pick with a few exes of mine... most of which I have just had to learn to let go. To let go of money owed, explanations owed, an apology.... most of which I never got. So, I am leery of what will come of me telling my xabf these things...