Fear of not having kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Fear of not having kids
(Sorry for posting so much and such long posts. Talking about all the bad parts of this relationship is helping me not fall completely into a panic attack.)
I'm realizing that I'm really afraid of not having a healthy enough relationship to have kids. I'm 31, so I know I do have time. But I just wasted 2 years with a man I kept trying to convince myself I could be with forever, but honestly could never picture having kids with. I would never want to have kids around when he'd get drunk and angry with no warning. And I'd be a terrible parent around him. I relapsed with my own drinking I think four or five times during those two years, and they were BAD relapses. I don't ever want to be an alcoholic again and make other people go through what I've been through in several of my relationships.
This codependency thing is big and scary. I took four years off of dating before I met him, because I knew I had a tendency to have really unhealthy relationships. Finally one guy got violent and I was just like, ok I need to go figure out why I keep doing this.
And I did it again! Four years of working on myself, getting sober, doing therapy, and then I meet a charming narcissist with a drinking problem and I'm like, yep, this is The One! What on earth is wrong with me! He had a brochure for a narcissist support group on his desk when we met. I have no sense.
I'm really, deeply afraid that this tendency means I won't be able to get myself sorted out before my baby window closes. That makes me incredibly sad.
I'm realizing that I'm really afraid of not having a healthy enough relationship to have kids. I'm 31, so I know I do have time. But I just wasted 2 years with a man I kept trying to convince myself I could be with forever, but honestly could never picture having kids with. I would never want to have kids around when he'd get drunk and angry with no warning. And I'd be a terrible parent around him. I relapsed with my own drinking I think four or five times during those two years, and they were BAD relapses. I don't ever want to be an alcoholic again and make other people go through what I've been through in several of my relationships.
This codependency thing is big and scary. I took four years off of dating before I met him, because I knew I had a tendency to have really unhealthy relationships. Finally one guy got violent and I was just like, ok I need to go figure out why I keep doing this.
And I did it again! Four years of working on myself, getting sober, doing therapy, and then I meet a charming narcissist with a drinking problem and I'm like, yep, this is The One! What on earth is wrong with me! He had a brochure for a narcissist support group on his desk when we met. I have no sense.
I'm really, deeply afraid that this tendency means I won't be able to get myself sorted out before my baby window closes. That makes me incredibly sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi, i'm 32 so a similar age to you.
You definitely have time. It is highly probable with all the people in the world that you will meet someone else. Now is the time to focus on getting yourself healthy first. Once you do, the rest will be waiting for you.
Can I also say, that you are very wise to wait until you find a suitable father and partner.
Children are very hard. You can't really have an off day, you are 'on' the whole time. It is a good thing to wait until you find someone right or at least until you are feeling more stable (because there are of course options to have a baby on your own, you don't necessarily need a partner these days).
You definitely have time. It is highly probable with all the people in the world that you will meet someone else. Now is the time to focus on getting yourself healthy first. Once you do, the rest will be waiting for you.
Can I also say, that you are very wise to wait until you find a suitable father and partner.
Children are very hard. You can't really have an off day, you are 'on' the whole time. It is a good thing to wait until you find someone right or at least until you are feeling more stable (because there are of course options to have a baby on your own, you don't necessarily need a partner these days).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You are young! There is time.
Being honest here, aside from your choice in men you really aren't in a place to be a parent right now either. Your BF did not make you drink. You chose to. I recommend taking the focus off why you chose the man you chose and focus on what happened to your recovery. Why did you start drinking again? Relapses happen way before someone actually drinks.
You can sort yourself out. Take a deep breath. Stop future tripping. Deal with the present. What is most important for you to have a successful life? Treating your alcoholism. You have been through therapy before you know its more than just not drinking. Start there.
Being honest here, aside from your choice in men you really aren't in a place to be a parent right now either. Your BF did not make you drink. You chose to. I recommend taking the focus off why you chose the man you chose and focus on what happened to your recovery. Why did you start drinking again? Relapses happen way before someone actually drinks.
You can sort yourself out. Take a deep breath. Stop future tripping. Deal with the present. What is most important for you to have a successful life? Treating your alcoholism. You have been through therapy before you know its more than just not drinking. Start there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 33
Thank you. Sorry, I don't mean to shift blame. I guess I'm grappling both with my alcoholism and his, and how they interacted. I don't at all mean to come in and start blaming people for their partner's actions. I'm sorry it came across that way.
It's hard being in both situations at once... I was posting in the other section and someone messaged me to come over here. But now I realize maybe that's not appropriate? I don't know. I'll be less crazy soon.
It's hard being in both situations at once... I was posting in the other section and someone messaged me to come over here. But now I realize maybe that's not appropriate? I don't know. I'll be less crazy soon.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, you have to get your own alcoholism addressed before you consider having kids. You have plenty of time to be a mom, but your kids deserve one who is healthy and strong, not one who is drinking or crazy from not drinking.
First things first.
First things first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
As someone who is affected by another's alcoholism you are welcome here. There are others here that are double winners. As far as addressing your recovery you will probably get the best advice in the alcoholism forum or newcomers forum.
As far as dealing with him - I mean obviously if you are both active then its going to be more difficult to get sober, not impossible. Anyone here that has been involved with a narcissist (and there are many) will tell you run like hell.
its easy for me to say, and I know you are very upset, but his leaving the country is a godsend.
As far as dealing with him - I mean obviously if you are both active then its going to be more difficult to get sober, not impossible. Anyone here that has been involved with a narcissist (and there are many) will tell you run like hell.
its easy for me to say, and I know you are very upset, but his leaving the country is a godsend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
having kids is not a requirement, something to be checked off the bucket list. children change EVERYTHING......forever. for me, motherhood was the hardest thing I ever did.....I really wasn't cut out for it, i'm not the playdough/adorable costume making mom, I don't like children and all the noise they make in general. I didn't really get what a lifetime commitment it was at the time.
get busy living a marvelous life first. become truly actualized, lungs fully expanded with the breath of life......learn to be you in all your glorious ways
get busy living a marvelous life first. become truly actualized, lungs fully expanded with the breath of life......learn to be you in all your glorious ways
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