Boyfriend left and struggling with heart break
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 16
Boyfriend left and struggling with heart break
Hi all, I'm in my first month of Alanon and going through the most painful time of my life. About 3 weeks ago my boyfriend left me.
I'm a 34 year old woman who fell deeply in love with the most wonderful man two years ago. We were best friends first and then ended up falling in love and he moved into my home. He's younger than me but at 27 had been on his own since he was very young, so definitely had some dog years . We fell in love hard and often spoke about marriage and children.
He has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for MANY years. Often I was under the guise that he was sober when he was not. From the beginning our relationship he was hiding boozing and drugging and would either getting caught or come clean and telling me. He has had amazing sponsors, therapists and tons of support and at one point had 4 years sober when he was younger but now can absolutely not seem to get a hold of it. He seems to kick into high program gear and be really happy and then after few months I will see the signs of depression and behavior where I either would think that he was drinking and doing drugs or that he was about to. I became consumed with worry. It pained me so much to see the love of my life in so much pain. Also, for the most part of it, our relationship became all about him. He was always very good to me and would say that his nightmare was losing me and our home and dogs ect... My family and friends all love him. He's incredibly charming and sweet and handsome. He is also a professional athlete, and I'm also his publicist (complicates things further) and has not really worked within his sport in the last 10 months because of his inability to stay sober and I started to take on more financial burden. Oh and he started working at a bar on the weekends. He always told me that was a non-issue with his sobriety.
About 2 weeks before we broke up, he came home and told me he drank that night and was devastated. I don't know if he would have told me though as I was up waiting for him when he got home, so he was kind of caught. We discussed and he was so desperate to figure out why none of what he does seems to work. Why he can't figure it out. I had been sad in the relationship for a while at this point and felt very lonely. Like he was not really present and kind of faking the funk. I told him I need to feel happy and if things kept going the way the were we would end up breaking up. BUT to be clear that is not what I wanted. The next day he checked into and out-patient rehab, same as he had gone to years ago when his sobriety stuck. I went to my first Al-anon meeting.... Things seemed like they might be OK.
Then on that Sunday he asked me to go on a date. My parents were in town staying with and we needed some alone time so we went to dinner. As soon as we got in the car I felt off and sad. Something was wrong about the way I was feeling towards him. He was trying so hard but it wasn't working. We started talking and he told me he was so tired and exhausted and could not believe what a liar this disease has turned him into. He was questioning the process at the outpatient rehab he had checked into. I told him he can question whatever he wants but to be clear he needs to be sober to be in our relationship. He said that he was sick of lying to all of his loved ones and himself. Said he is not the man I fell in love with and that he can't keep dragging me through all of this pain and suffering. He told me he always felt a lot of pressure and never really settled into our home - To be clear, he was the one to bring up marriage, kids and moving in together first. I own the home and he told me that he didn't feel that he should have to pay rent (he hadn't paid in 6 months) because there was a lot of construction being done and that he lived there because he loved me (what kind of mind ******* is that). Also, it is a BEAUTIFUL home that everyone who comes to loves... Again, a week before he was hysterical saying he was so afraid of losing me and our life together. That night he left and moved out the next day. My heart broke.
At first I thought he was doing this all out of love and he needed to be on his own to get better and that maybe the relationship was what was making him keep relapse (we hardly fought, and I was basically the breadwinner and house wife). About a week after we broke up I ran into my neighbor, who is also in recovery and they would often go to meetings together and work out, and told him that we broke up on Sunday night. He said oh man, I saw him right before you left for your date and he was definitely loaded. I was blown away. It made sense why I felt such a visceral sadness that night even before we started to talk about breaking up. After finding this out, I realize he just did not want to have to be accountable anymore- he wanted to drink and use. A loving home was not something he could deal with.
We have had no contact since the first week after we broke up. I'm so angry and sad. I've cut him off from all social media and have not called him at all even though I often want to. Also, he has not tried to contact me at all, which hurts. I miss him so deeply. He was my best friend that I spoke to all day every day for two years and then just like that... He was gone. I've been so sick with heartbreak its crazy. I'm going to Alanon, therapy in the gym everyday and trying to focus on work. Talking to all of my family and friends and trying to gain perspective but my heart just can't seem to catch up with my head. I just miss him so much and still in shock that he left. He always said he would never hurt me and loved me more than anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and any insight is greatly appreciated.
I'm a 34 year old woman who fell deeply in love with the most wonderful man two years ago. We were best friends first and then ended up falling in love and he moved into my home. He's younger than me but at 27 had been on his own since he was very young, so definitely had some dog years . We fell in love hard and often spoke about marriage and children.
He has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for MANY years. Often I was under the guise that he was sober when he was not. From the beginning our relationship he was hiding boozing and drugging and would either getting caught or come clean and telling me. He has had amazing sponsors, therapists and tons of support and at one point had 4 years sober when he was younger but now can absolutely not seem to get a hold of it. He seems to kick into high program gear and be really happy and then after few months I will see the signs of depression and behavior where I either would think that he was drinking and doing drugs or that he was about to. I became consumed with worry. It pained me so much to see the love of my life in so much pain. Also, for the most part of it, our relationship became all about him. He was always very good to me and would say that his nightmare was losing me and our home and dogs ect... My family and friends all love him. He's incredibly charming and sweet and handsome. He is also a professional athlete, and I'm also his publicist (complicates things further) and has not really worked within his sport in the last 10 months because of his inability to stay sober and I started to take on more financial burden. Oh and he started working at a bar on the weekends. He always told me that was a non-issue with his sobriety.
About 2 weeks before we broke up, he came home and told me he drank that night and was devastated. I don't know if he would have told me though as I was up waiting for him when he got home, so he was kind of caught. We discussed and he was so desperate to figure out why none of what he does seems to work. Why he can't figure it out. I had been sad in the relationship for a while at this point and felt very lonely. Like he was not really present and kind of faking the funk. I told him I need to feel happy and if things kept going the way the were we would end up breaking up. BUT to be clear that is not what I wanted. The next day he checked into and out-patient rehab, same as he had gone to years ago when his sobriety stuck. I went to my first Al-anon meeting.... Things seemed like they might be OK.
Then on that Sunday he asked me to go on a date. My parents were in town staying with and we needed some alone time so we went to dinner. As soon as we got in the car I felt off and sad. Something was wrong about the way I was feeling towards him. He was trying so hard but it wasn't working. We started talking and he told me he was so tired and exhausted and could not believe what a liar this disease has turned him into. He was questioning the process at the outpatient rehab he had checked into. I told him he can question whatever he wants but to be clear he needs to be sober to be in our relationship. He said that he was sick of lying to all of his loved ones and himself. Said he is not the man I fell in love with and that he can't keep dragging me through all of this pain and suffering. He told me he always felt a lot of pressure and never really settled into our home - To be clear, he was the one to bring up marriage, kids and moving in together first. I own the home and he told me that he didn't feel that he should have to pay rent (he hadn't paid in 6 months) because there was a lot of construction being done and that he lived there because he loved me (what kind of mind ******* is that). Also, it is a BEAUTIFUL home that everyone who comes to loves... Again, a week before he was hysterical saying he was so afraid of losing me and our life together. That night he left and moved out the next day. My heart broke.
At first I thought he was doing this all out of love and he needed to be on his own to get better and that maybe the relationship was what was making him keep relapse (we hardly fought, and I was basically the breadwinner and house wife). About a week after we broke up I ran into my neighbor, who is also in recovery and they would often go to meetings together and work out, and told him that we broke up on Sunday night. He said oh man, I saw him right before you left for your date and he was definitely loaded. I was blown away. It made sense why I felt such a visceral sadness that night even before we started to talk about breaking up. After finding this out, I realize he just did not want to have to be accountable anymore- he wanted to drink and use. A loving home was not something he could deal with.
We have had no contact since the first week after we broke up. I'm so angry and sad. I've cut him off from all social media and have not called him at all even though I often want to. Also, he has not tried to contact me at all, which hurts. I miss him so deeply. He was my best friend that I spoke to all day every day for two years and then just like that... He was gone. I've been so sick with heartbreak its crazy. I'm going to Alanon, therapy in the gym everyday and trying to focus on work. Talking to all of my family and friends and trying to gain perspective but my heart just can't seem to catch up with my head. I just miss him so much and still in shock that he left. He always said he would never hurt me and loved me more than anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and any insight is greatly appreciated.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now. All I can say is you're doing the right things, and it takes time. Any breakup involves a grief process. It's a little harder, maybe, with an alcoholic, because we can often SEE there is a good person lurking in there. Unfortunately, until the alcoholic really embraces recovery and does the necessary work, that potential is never realized. It would be much MORE difficult if you were married, owned property together, had kids together.
My best advice is to just keep doing what you are doing, and give it time. It's a process. Partners don't instantly get better any more than alcoholics do.
Hugs, stick around here--there is some great wisdom and support to be had.
My best advice is to just keep doing what you are doing, and give it time. It's a process. Partners don't instantly get better any more than alcoholics do.
Hugs, stick around here--there is some great wisdom and support to be had.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
That was a really articulate & self-aware post. I agree fully with your assessment - that he was rejecting the accountability, not you as a human being, as a love.
The thing about the rent is what we call a quack - just preposterous, but somehow an active alcoholic can insist on such a distortion as though it makes sense.
You are doing all the right things to self-nurture & self-empower.
I have loved more than one charming, funny, handsome, and impossible alcoholic in this lifetime. The abrupt ending after years of mutuality and promises of forever can be a shattering experience. Realizing that the other has decided that they would be happier to not be in the relationship, that they won't do the work of trying to fix it, but will choose the transient oblivion of alcohol instead - that hurts!!
I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this. But...well...you are experiencing it. We also grow through our shatterings (the cracks in our heart are how the light streams in, eventually).
You deserve to love someone the way you love him & not have alcoholism/addiction slice the hopeful possibility of future out of that love. Don't question your choice to love him in the first place. Opening to love is a good choice, but we take a risk of eventual hurt every time.
Hang in there. Pain softens.
The thing about the rent is what we call a quack - just preposterous, but somehow an active alcoholic can insist on such a distortion as though it makes sense.
You are doing all the right things to self-nurture & self-empower.
I have loved more than one charming, funny, handsome, and impossible alcoholic in this lifetime. The abrupt ending after years of mutuality and promises of forever can be a shattering experience. Realizing that the other has decided that they would be happier to not be in the relationship, that they won't do the work of trying to fix it, but will choose the transient oblivion of alcohol instead - that hurts!!
I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this. But...well...you are experiencing it. We also grow through our shatterings (the cracks in our heart are how the light streams in, eventually).
You deserve to love someone the way you love him & not have alcoholism/addiction slice the hopeful possibility of future out of that love. Don't question your choice to love him in the first place. Opening to love is a good choice, but we take a risk of eventual hurt every time.
Hang in there. Pain softens.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
blondeX2.....its like your life has been stuck on spin cycle for a long time and just now finally stopped. you are still dizzy and unsteady on your feet.
as the detached observer I can see how over time you became more and more involved and then enmeshed in HIS life.....first being his publicist....then getting romantically involved, him moving IN, NOT paying rent (wtf is THAT???) , NOT engaged in his sport for almost a year ( and thus I presume not working???) AND an escalating drinking problem. and as you said, you two talked ALL day EVERY day.....that's a lot of HIM and not much YOU.
at least he had the decency to bail and not put MORE on you, make things worse. you can't see that right now....
he's 27 and still trying to figure himself out. he isn't ready to settle down...he's lost his focus, he hasn't participated in his chosen sport, which i'm sure was a big part of his identity. we can't coax them into a life they don't want by making things easy.....
now is the time to put all that focus and energy that surrounded HIM and turn it on YOU.
as the detached observer I can see how over time you became more and more involved and then enmeshed in HIS life.....first being his publicist....then getting romantically involved, him moving IN, NOT paying rent (wtf is THAT???) , NOT engaged in his sport for almost a year ( and thus I presume not working???) AND an escalating drinking problem. and as you said, you two talked ALL day EVERY day.....that's a lot of HIM and not much YOU.
at least he had the decency to bail and not put MORE on you, make things worse. you can't see that right now....
he's 27 and still trying to figure himself out. he isn't ready to settle down...he's lost his focus, he hasn't participated in his chosen sport, which i'm sure was a big part of his identity. we can't coax them into a life they don't want by making things easy.....
now is the time to put all that focus and energy that surrounded HIM and turn it on YOU.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I guarantee once you get through the heartbreak you will see this is for the best.
You don't need this in your life.
You don't need this in your life.
Originally Posted by blondeblonde80 
Hi all, I'm in my first month of Alanon and going through the most painful time of my life. About 3 weeks ago my boyfriend left me.
I'm a 34 year old woman who fell deeply in love with the most wonderful man two years ago. We were best friends first and then ended up falling in love and he moved into my home. He's younger than me but at 27 had been on his own since he was very young, so definitely had some dog years . We fell in love hard and often spoke about marriage and children.
He has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for MANY years. Often I was under the guise that he was sober when he was not. From the beginning our relationship he was hiding boozing and drugging and would either getting caught or come clean and telling me. He has had amazing sponsors, therapists and tons of support and at one point had 4 years sober when he was younger but now can absolutely not seem to get a hold of it. He seems to kick into high program gear and be really happy and then after few months I will see the signs of depression and behavior where I either would think that he was drinking and doing drugs or that he was about to. I became consumed with worry. It pained me so much to see the love of my life in so much pain. Also, for the most part of it, our relationship became all about him. He was always very good to me and would say that his nightmare was losing me and our home and dogs ect... My family and friends all love him. He's incredibly charming and sweet and handsome. He is also a professional athlete, and I'm also his publicist (complicates things further) and has not really worked within his sport in the last 10 months because of his inability to stay sober and I started to take on more financial burden. Oh and he started working at a bar on the weekends. He always told me that was a non-issue with his sobriety.
About 2 weeks before we broke up, he came home and told me he drank that night and was devastated. I don't know if he would have told me though as I was up waiting for him when he got home, so he was kind of caught. We discussed and he was so desperate to figure out why none of what he does seems to work. Why he can't figure it out. I had been sad in the relationship for a while at this point and felt very lonely. Like he was not really present and kind of faking the funk. I told him I need to feel happy and if things kept going the way the were we would end up breaking up. BUT to be clear that is not what I wanted. The next day he checked into and out-patient rehab, same as he had gone to years ago when his sobriety stuck. I went to my first Al-anon meeting.... Things seemed like they might be OK.
Then on that Sunday he asked me to go on a date. My parents were in town staying with and we needed some alone time so we went to dinner. As soon as we got in the car I felt off and sad. Something was wrong about the way I was feeling towards him. He was trying so hard but it wasn't working. We started talking and he told me he was so tired and exhausted and could not believe what a liar this disease has turned him into. He was questioning the process at the outpatient rehab he had checked into. I told him he can question whatever he wants but to be clear he needs to be sober to be in our relationship. He said that he was sick of lying to all of his loved ones and himself. Said he is not the man I fell in love with and that he can't keep dragging me through all of this pain and suffering. He told me he always felt a lot of pressure and never really settled into our home - To be clear, he was the one to bring up marriage, kids and moving in together first. I own the home and he told me that he didn't feel that he should have to pay rent (he hadn't paid in 6 months) because there was a lot of construction being done and that he lived there because he loved me (what kind of mind ******* is that). Also, it is a BEAUTIFUL home that everyone who comes to loves... Again, a week before he was hysterical saying he was so afraid of losing me and our life together. That night he left and moved out the next day. My heart broke.
At first I thought he was doing this all out of love and he needed to be on his own to get better and that maybe the relationship was what was making him keep relapse (we hardly fought, and I was basically the breadwinner and house wife). About a week after we broke up I ran into my neighbor, who is also in recovery and they would often go to meetings together and work out, and told him that we broke up on Sunday night. He said oh man, I saw him right before you left for your date and he was definitely loaded. I was blown away. It made sense why I felt such a visceral sadness that night even before we started to talk about breaking up. After finding this out, I realize he just did not want to have to be accountable anymore- he wanted to drink and use. A loving home was not something he could deal with.
We have had no contact since the first week after we broke up. I'm so angry and sad. I've cut him off from all social media and have not called him at all even though I often want to. Also, he has not tried to contact me at all, which hurts. I miss him so deeply. He was my best friend that I spoke to all day every day for two years and then just like that... He was gone. I've been so sick with heartbreak its crazy. I'm going to Alanon, therapy in the gym everyday and trying to focus on work. Talking to all of my family and friends and trying to gain perspective but my heart just can't seem to catch up with my head. I just miss him so much and still in shock that he left. He always said he would never hurt me and loved me more than anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and any insight is greatly appreciated.
I'm a 34 year old woman who fell deeply in love with the most wonderful man two years ago. We were best friends first and then ended up falling in love and he moved into my home. He's younger than me but at 27 had been on his own since he was very young, so definitely had some dog years . We fell in love hard and often spoke about marriage and children.
He has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for MANY years. Often I was under the guise that he was sober when he was not. From the beginning our relationship he was hiding boozing and drugging and would either getting caught or come clean and telling me. He has had amazing sponsors, therapists and tons of support and at one point had 4 years sober when he was younger but now can absolutely not seem to get a hold of it. He seems to kick into high program gear and be really happy and then after few months I will see the signs of depression and behavior where I either would think that he was drinking and doing drugs or that he was about to. I became consumed with worry. It pained me so much to see the love of my life in so much pain. Also, for the most part of it, our relationship became all about him. He was always very good to me and would say that his nightmare was losing me and our home and dogs ect... My family and friends all love him. He's incredibly charming and sweet and handsome. He is also a professional athlete, and I'm also his publicist (complicates things further) and has not really worked within his sport in the last 10 months because of his inability to stay sober and I started to take on more financial burden. Oh and he started working at a bar on the weekends. He always told me that was a non-issue with his sobriety.
About 2 weeks before we broke up, he came home and told me he drank that night and was devastated. I don't know if he would have told me though as I was up waiting for him when he got home, so he was kind of caught. We discussed and he was so desperate to figure out why none of what he does seems to work. Why he can't figure it out. I had been sad in the relationship for a while at this point and felt very lonely. Like he was not really present and kind of faking the funk. I told him I need to feel happy and if things kept going the way the were we would end up breaking up. BUT to be clear that is not what I wanted. The next day he checked into and out-patient rehab, same as he had gone to years ago when his sobriety stuck. I went to my first Al-anon meeting.... Things seemed like they might be OK.
Then on that Sunday he asked me to go on a date. My parents were in town staying with and we needed some alone time so we went to dinner. As soon as we got in the car I felt off and sad. Something was wrong about the way I was feeling towards him. He was trying so hard but it wasn't working. We started talking and he told me he was so tired and exhausted and could not believe what a liar this disease has turned him into. He was questioning the process at the outpatient rehab he had checked into. I told him he can question whatever he wants but to be clear he needs to be sober to be in our relationship. He said that he was sick of lying to all of his loved ones and himself. Said he is not the man I fell in love with and that he can't keep dragging me through all of this pain and suffering. He told me he always felt a lot of pressure and never really settled into our home - To be clear, he was the one to bring up marriage, kids and moving in together first. I own the home and he told me that he didn't feel that he should have to pay rent (he hadn't paid in 6 months) because there was a lot of construction being done and that he lived there because he loved me (what kind of mind ******* is that). Also, it is a BEAUTIFUL home that everyone who comes to loves... Again, a week before he was hysterical saying he was so afraid of losing me and our life together. That night he left and moved out the next day. My heart broke.
At first I thought he was doing this all out of love and he needed to be on his own to get better and that maybe the relationship was what was making him keep relapse (we hardly fought, and I was basically the breadwinner and house wife). About a week after we broke up I ran into my neighbor, who is also in recovery and they would often go to meetings together and work out, and told him that we broke up on Sunday night. He said oh man, I saw him right before you left for your date and he was definitely loaded. I was blown away. It made sense why I felt such a visceral sadness that night even before we started to talk about breaking up. After finding this out, I realize he just did not want to have to be accountable anymore- he wanted to drink and use. A loving home was not something he could deal with.
We have had no contact since the first week after we broke up. I'm so angry and sad. I've cut him off from all social media and have not called him at all even though I often want to. Also, he has not tried to contact me at all, which hurts. I miss him so deeply. He was my best friend that I spoke to all day every day for two years and then just like that... He was gone. I've been so sick with heartbreak its crazy. I'm going to Alanon, therapy in the gym everyday and trying to focus on work. Talking to all of my family and friends and trying to gain perspective but my heart just can't seem to catch up with my head. I just miss him so much and still in shock that he left. He always said he would never hurt me and loved me more than anything.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and any insight is greatly appreciated.
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