amy55

There was this girl that was supposed to be a boy. I was that girl.

My dad used to grab at me inapproprietly to check on my penis size. I didn't have one. I was a girl. He wanted a son. I was his son. I did a lot with him. Mostly wrong. Anything that I know from him in fixing a house is all wrong.

I grew up feeling that I had to fix all things. Can't say like he fixed things, because things never worked when he fixed them.

Just had to say this, I don't know why.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
amy

INgal

Hugs to you, Amy. That sounds like a lot of pressure you had to endure in your formative years. I hope you can get to place where you can relax and never worry about fixing anything again. The world will still turn, and tomorrow always comes. Enjoy some peace. You deserve it.

KristyCat

Well, it sounds like this girl turned out be just right though Now you know all the wrong ways to fix things, so you can do it the right way!

iGirl66

There was a girl, created to be a girl, who God looked down on and saw was perfect in every way. She was a gift, but the recipient was blind and ungrateful. Lost in his own inadequacies, he wanted a son so that he could re live his life through him. He was a broken man who gave broken advice from a broken mind. The little girl grew up and learned how to fix things right. She fixed houses and when she shared, she fixed hearts! She was still perfect just the way she was.

(((Hugs))) from a fellow girl who was supposed to be a boy.

Seren

What iGirl said....

Gads, Amy, I'm sorry you had to live through that.

Butterfly

((((((Hugs))))))Amy God made you a girl who has became the most amazing strongest woman I know. Your dads treatment of you was disgraceful and says so much more about him than it does about you.

hopeful4

Sweetie, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Tight hugs to you.

foms77

Hugs to you I have enjoyed reading what I have come across on this site that has been written by you. You are real and honest and brave with what you are willing to share. You have so much to offer and are a true inspiration!

Kboys

Oh ((((((Amy)))))))
You are a wonderful girl.. Just as you were meant to be
And ditto what foms said

amy55

That was beautiful, and it made me tear up.

I don't know why I posted this yesterday. Must have had one of my trigger moments.

Thing is I spent most of today thinking about this. My dad was abusive, and was an alcoholic. He mostly abused me emotionally. I was fat (weighed 115), I was stupid (never came home with anything less then a B+, and I was ugly. (I guess that means that I didn't really look like a boy. Don't know. Physical abuse, perhaps, or most likely unintentional. He dropped me on my head several times. I got silver dollars for each time he did that.

My sisters didn't like me at all. He told one that she was a mistake, told the other that he never wanted her at all.

He mostly ignored my sisters. He concentrated on me. My sisters didn't like me that much.

What I was thinking about today, was that I kind of grew up without an identity. I grew up being a people-pleaser perfectionist.

In H.S. I had friends in every group imaginable, except politics. The honors group, the football team, the juvies, the drop outs, the band, the athletic girls, the junkies, and the nerds. The nerds needed protection walking from one class to another. I gave them that. I thought I got involved with so many groups of different people for protection. I now think I was doing it to find an identity. (sorry if that doesn't make sense)

I think to this day, I still don't know who I am.

I did find out that I actually do like to wear dresses and make-up, just a little, sometimes.

Amy

iGirl66

So many children are left in the hands of the deranged. My dad use to think it was funny to chase me with mice that he'd catch in the house. knowing that I was terrified. Yep, nothing funnier than a terrified crying child. My ex husband thought it would be funny to scare my daughter like that once when she was about three. I don't remember all that happened, but I remember him being very scared of me afterwards.

I was the youngest by 10 years and the only girl. Not brilliant like my brother who skipped 2 grades and could play anything that you could blow air into or needy like my bi polar brother who just had to be watched so he didn't burn the house down. I was someone to keep my mother company and fill in lonely spots that my alkie father should have filled. It's weird what they leave you with. I am a history geek. I can tell you anything you want to know about Queen Victoria. My dad would get drunk and blast me with pop quizzes and I was stupid or lazy for not knowing the answer. More specifically " Lazy and stupid just like your mother." So I was given a set of books far past my reading comprehension level at the time and forced to read them every night on top of homework. Thank god for my brilliant brother who would read to me sometimes. So there I would stand in my footie Jammie's with the pink roses trying to answer where the first shot of the civil war was fired. Never mind that we hadn't studied the civil war yet in third grade. It was Fort Sumpter by the way. The most bizarre incident was waking me up at 3am to sit on the floor and watch Indira Ghandi's cremation live from India. It was a historical event so I had to watch. The only time this stupidity was in my favor was when I got to stay home from school to watch all of Princess Di's wedding. I was captivated!

The real kicker is that people used to come up to me all of the time and say "your dad is so proud of you! He just brags all of the time!" I was like who's dad? Not one word to me though. Just putting on the normal show. I overheard Mr. Normal having a conversation with my mother about putting me up for adoption. She was crying and pleading for me to stay. She won, but I never felt comfortable at home again or ever believed people actually wanted me around. Thus lay the root of my rejection and abandonment issues. Pretty much at bay until the ex came along and triggered everything I ever buried. It's been a long road back to me, but I get closer each day!

Sotiredofitall

Not sure what MY father wanted, but he was clear in that he thought I was a mistake. Boy was that ever hurtful and eye opening. He also said some nasty things in front of my very young daughter (at the time) I stood up to him that day and let him know that whatever he thought of me and said to me that I wouldn't allow him to say it in front of my daughter and left with a clear choice to him that he would not be allowed to spout his vile crap in front of her if he wanted a relationship with her. The phone was ringing when I got home and my mom was apologizing for him. Family dynamics are so tough when alcohol is involved. I've never forgotten what he said. Its been about 20 years since he passed away......I remember thinking when he died that it was the kindest thing he had ever done for me. Sad to think of that now. I still deal with those emotions. Probably always will. Hugs to you Amy. I KNOW how you feel.